...is not just that they are a reminder of what I almost had/don't have/will never have. It's also that every new pregnancy means however many months that I have another pregnant woman and baby to worry about. To pray about. To hope, through my jealousy, that they'll never have to know the things I now know.
My pg co-worker had an appointment this morning & was supposed to be in the office later. Around noon, my boss sent around an e-mail that sent chills down my spine. My co-worker had left her a message: she'd been sitting at the dr's office/hospital since before 8 that morning. She finally realized, after about two hours, that they had forgotten all about her (!!). Then, the ultrasound machine "didn't work." And now she had to wait some more, because the dr was in surgery but "wanted to talk to her." So she wouldn't be in the office after all -- after her appointment was (finally) done, she was heading home and would "work" from there.
To anyone else, this is one of those "dr's offices, what can ya do?" bureaucractic bungles that you roll your eyes at. (And given what I've heard about this particular hospital, I am not at all surprised...!)
Any mother who has ever experienced a stillbirth, however, will no doubt be reading between the lines, as I did, and letting their imaginations run amok. Broken machine? The dr wants to "talk" to her??
I honestly felt physically ill for awhile. I even e-mailed dh about it. I waited all afternoon, bracing myself for another call or e-mail... which, thankfully, never came.
I will still be holding my breath tomorrow morning, though. And probably every morning until I hear that the baby is safely here, and everyone is OK.
My co-worker lives in the same general neck of the woods as I do -- the same area that the pregnancy loss support group that dh & I help facilitate draws clients from. One of my greatest nightmares is to have someone that I know come walking through the doors at one of our meetings.
Not only that -- the hospital where she is set to deliver her baby has had a troubled history when it comes to obstetrics. They will tell you all is well now, of course -- but at one point, a few years back, there was talk of closing the unit entirely (leaving a population of several hundred thousand people without obstetric services & travelling to other hospitals further afield for care), because of the "problems" there, which were well documented in several of the local newspapers. Let's just say that I have heard about some of those problems firsthand, but for reasons of confidentiality cannot discuss them with her (or here). She IS aware of the hospital's reputation -- & in fact switched drs mid-pregnancy because of what she'd heard from a friend -- but she is not aware in the same way that I am, I am sure.
So many secrets to keep. So many emotions to keep a lid on. I know pregnant women often say they feel like they're going to "pop." Right now, I do too. Just a little while longer...
Update, Friday morning: All is well... she's is just stressed out, understandably. It HAS been a stressful pregnancy for her (me too, lol). She was telling me about her day yesterday & that she has to go back in for more bloodwork tomorrow, saying, "What else can go wrong?" While I sat there with a semi-smile frozen on my face thinking, "You really, REALLY don't want to know..."