(Loribeth taps the microphone.) Hello... is anyone still out there??
It's been a LOOONNNGGGG week.
Last Friday night, I came home from a craptastic week at work -- including adjusting to a different morning routine after 21 years of more or less the same (I may post more on this later...), doing our income taxes (Canada's deadline is April 30th -- and we both owe money :p) -- and dental work for both me & dh -- mine involving a crown :p.
I turned on my computer... and found out that my blog & I had been inadvertently "outed" on Facebook by a well-meaning distant cousin.
We have a private family group on Facebook (so often the culprit in breaches of privacy, isn't it??) & had been exchanging stories about my grandparents’ unusual wedding. I shared an article about it that had been published in the local newspaper. This cousin did some Googling & came up with a link to a blog post I had written about them three years ago (!), in which I told the same story, quoting part of the same article. Not only did she find me -- she then posted the link to my blog post on the family FB group. I'm not sure she realized what the rest of the blog was about, or even that I was the author.
It was one of those really flukey things. I thought I had been careful to remove identifying details from the story before publishing -- but not quite enough, apparently, & she chose to search a very obscure reference that I had left in (since removed) -- obscure enough that my blog is the top result (and only word for word match) provided, if you search that particular term on Google.
Talk about instant panic/adrenaline rush. She had only shared the link about 20 minutes before I read the e-mail notification -- but even as I sat there, breathing hard, heart pounding, trying to figure out what to do next -- one of my mother’s cousins added a comment below her post to the group, indicating that she too had read my blog post.
I guess I always knew, intellectually, there was a possibility that someone I know "in real life" (IRL) MIGHT find my blog someday. But it's another thing entirely to KNOW that someone HAS found & read it -- even just a post that was fairly innocuous & not even about infertility.
Actually, one person I know found my blog a few years ago, but agreed to be sworn to secrecy, & has kept her word. I've also received a couple of anonymous comments that had me going "hmmm..." One now-inactive blogger & I realized that, although we've never met, we come from the same part of the country & it's very likely we have family members who know each other. I also realized, reading another (also currently inactive) blogger awhile back that we have mutual friends -- although I never mentioned that to her. And a few years back, I found a (non-ALI) blog written by a male relative. I have no idea if the rest of his family knows about it -- but I'm not about to bring it up with them, just in case.
The world really is much smaller than we think... especially with the Internet!
Anyway -- even though I have been seeking and returning support (and venting, lol) on the Internet about infertility, pregnancy loss & involuntary childlessness (albeit mostly in private forums, pre-blogging) since 1998, I am actually a rather private person "in real life." It’s funny how I have few qualms about sharing such deeply personal experiences, thoughts & feelings with people I have never met (at least, those who have shared similar experiences themselves & understand what it is to go through something like this) -- but cringe at the thought of family members & IRL friends being able to read them. They all know that I lost a baby and that we have no children, of course, but not all the gory details. (To be frank, I always doubted -- and still do doubt -- that most of them really WANT to know all the gory details. As I said, there is "knowing" and KNOWING...)
While I knew that nothing on the Internet is truly private, I guess I felt fairly "safe," in that I was a lot more Internet-savvy than many of my relatives, & I didn't think many of them would have reason to be reading infertility or pregnancy loss blogs (the older generation in particular). But I do write about other stuff, including family stories -- and I guess that, in the end, that was my downfall (although I've always tried to be fairly circumspect when writing about other people). :(
And then, a couple of years ago, Facebook arrived -- and all sorts of my friends & relatives joined -- people who, in the past, I might have only seen or spoken with once every few years, or heard from with a card at Christmastime. In many ways, it's been so great to be in closer touch with them.
But I had qualms -- justified, as it turns out. My biggest concern about Facebook has always been: what would happen when I brought all the separate compartments of my life -- family members, high school friends, college friends, support group friends, blogging friends, scrapbooking friends (not work friends -- at least, not yet!) -- together in one spot?
I guess I found out.
(On the other hand -- what if I was NOT on Facebook, & the link had still been posted, without my knowledge?? What if I wasn't an administrator of the group? What if I hadn't been signed up for e-mail notifications from the group? -- I always check my e-mail before going to Facebook & the other sites I check regularly. It could have been much, much worse...)
Being "found" & "outed" like that, so unexpectedly, and at the end of a stressful week, threw me for a loop. I panicked. Hours later, I was still hot, redfaced, shaky & tense. I'm really glad nobody had a blood pressure cuff on my arm that night. It would not have been pretty. :p
Fortunately, I am an admin on the FB group. I immediately deleted both relatives' posts & sent them private messages, explaining that this was my infertility blog & while I knew that nothing was truly private on the Internet (case in point...!) I would prefer not to have my family members reading it. And then made my blog private, while I thought about what I wanted to do next.
(The distant cousin who initially posted the link messaged me back almost immediately, apologizing. The last time I saw her, we were both around 12 years old, & our families have had very little direct contact until just recently again -- I am sure she had no idea of my personal reproductive history.)
I also had to deal with my mother (erk) who (as I had suspected/feared) received an e-mail notification about the posted link. Sure enough, when I talked to her that Sunday night, she asked if I'd gotten one too: "It looks like a link to a blog! About Grandma & Grandpa! But I've tried & tried, and I can't open the link," she said.
I took a deep breath and told her yes, it was about Grandma & Grandpa, and I had written it -- but there was other stuff there that I would prefer not to have my family read -- so I had deleted the link & taken down the blog. She sounded surprised, but seemed to accept that. She knows I have sought support on the Internet since we lost Katie -- she met one of my message board friends, a few years back. She just didn't know I had a blog. (Until now. :p ) She did suggest that maybe I should put an explanatory note on the Facebook group for other people who got notifications & were wondering too. I said I would rather just let sleeping dogs lie, not raise people's curiosity any further. I am sure that if anyone asks her about it, she will tell them what I told her.
Anyway, immediately after privatizing my blog, I started to feel much better. : ) I e-mailed Mel and a few of my blogging friends in my address book to let them know what had happened, and seek their advice (and ask Mel to post something on the Lost & Found). Even before I heard from any of them, I decided to sit tight & private for a week or two and let the dust settle, while I considered my options:
a) stop blogging & taken down my blog altogether. Not an option, in my books. ; ) (If this past week has taught me anything -- besides reinforcing that nothing is private online -- it's how much I enjoy blogging and what a release it can be to write out my feelings & connect to others in similar situations in this way. And how much I miss my blog and the interaction it affords, when it's not there.)
b) go permanently private -- potentially lose a lot of readers in the transition, & deny other women facing a childless-not-by-choice future the benefit of learning from my experiences, as I have learned from others' blogs -- which was one of the main reasons why I started blogging in the first place.
c) move my blog to WordPress, where I have the option of making individual posts password protected -- better than complete privatization, but still a hassle I didn't want to think about.
d) make my blog public again & continue blogging -- with the knowledge that my readership just may have expanded beyond my original intended audience.
I heard from some of my blogger friends, & weighed their advice. I looked at some of my old posts -- in particular, "Why I Blog," "Facebook Friends & Raising Awareness," and, from several years ago, "A telling post." And thought about why I started blogging, why I've kept blogging, and what I would gain and what I would lose by choosing b) c) or d).
And I decided that -- while I'm still not about to invite people I know to read my blog, or encourage them to share it with others if they find it -- while I don't LIKE the idea of family members & non-IF/loss friends reading my blog -- it's not quite the end of the world if they find it either. (I'm sure the fact that I am 51 years old & 11 years out from ttc/14 years post-stillbirth makes this a whole lot easier. How painful it would be, to be younger, still ttc, and have someone stumble on my blog at that point in my life.)
In the end, I decided on d) -- but after waiting a week or so, in the hopes that my relatives who found my blog would would forget about it/not try to access it again. Meantime, I went through some of my old posts, and made a few strategic edits where I thought they might be warranted. I've always tried to be careful when writing about my IRL family & friends, just in case something like this ever happened -- but these events made me want to go back & check, just to ease my mind. (Bonus: a few typos got corrected along the way. Although I am sure there are many more out there...!)
My dh (who reads my blog) was initially upset, seeing how upset I was. And then after he calmed down & gave me some hugs to calm ME down, he reminded me that it wasn't the end of the world, and said that he was proud of me and my blog. : ) "What's the worst that could happen?" he asked. "Maybe they SHOULD know about some of this stuff -- open their eyes."
Coincidentally -- this past week has been National Infertility Awareness Week (in the States -- it's in May in Canada). I guess this was my (inadvertent) & early contribution. ; )
Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind. I may still go private in the future, if there is further, negative fallout from this incident. I am going to be keeping a much closer eye on my stats.
But for now -- I am back. : ) Thank you so much, everyone, who e-mailed me privately or e-mailed others or posted on their blogs, asking about me. I am so grateful for your support.
This message is being added to the sidebar near the top of my blog:
If you are a friend or relative who has somehow found this blog... ummm... hi there! ; ) I realize that nothing on the Internet is truly private, and that, so long as this blog is public, I cannot stop you from reading it.
However -- I did not start writing this blog with with the idea that people I know "in real life" would be reading it -- and I would be grateful if you did not read any further. My blog is primarily about infertility and pregnancy loss, and how they have affected my life -- my experiences, thoughts and feelings. It has always (well, until now...) been a "safe" and invaluable outlet where I can deal with some deeply painful, personal stuff -- things are difficult for me to speak about openly -- and connect with others in a similar situation.
Whatever you do, I would very much appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else that we both know about this blog. Thank you for respecting my wishes and my privacy.
Do your family members & friends know about your blog? Have you ever been inadvertently (or deliberately) "outed?" If so, how did you deal with it? Any advice for me?
It's been a LOOONNNGGGG week.
Last Friday night, I came home from a craptastic week at work -- including adjusting to a different morning routine after 21 years of more or less the same (I may post more on this later...), doing our income taxes (Canada's deadline is April 30th -- and we both owe money :p) -- and dental work for both me & dh -- mine involving a crown :p.
I turned on my computer... and found out that my blog & I had been inadvertently "outed" on Facebook by a well-meaning distant cousin.
We have a private family group on Facebook (so often the culprit in breaches of privacy, isn't it??) & had been exchanging stories about my grandparents’ unusual wedding. I shared an article about it that had been published in the local newspaper. This cousin did some Googling & came up with a link to a blog post I had written about them three years ago (!), in which I told the same story, quoting part of the same article. Not only did she find me -- she then posted the link to my blog post on the family FB group. I'm not sure she realized what the rest of the blog was about, or even that I was the author.
It was one of those really flukey things. I thought I had been careful to remove identifying details from the story before publishing -- but not quite enough, apparently, & she chose to search a very obscure reference that I had left in (since removed) -- obscure enough that my blog is the top result (and only word for word match) provided, if you search that particular term on Google.
Talk about instant panic/adrenaline rush. She had only shared the link about 20 minutes before I read the e-mail notification -- but even as I sat there, breathing hard, heart pounding, trying to figure out what to do next -- one of my mother’s cousins added a comment below her post to the group, indicating that she too had read my blog post.
I guess I always knew, intellectually, there was a possibility that someone I know "in real life" (IRL) MIGHT find my blog someday. But it's another thing entirely to KNOW that someone HAS found & read it -- even just a post that was fairly innocuous & not even about infertility.
Actually, one person I know found my blog a few years ago, but agreed to be sworn to secrecy, & has kept her word. I've also received a couple of anonymous comments that had me going "hmmm..." One now-inactive blogger & I realized that, although we've never met, we come from the same part of the country & it's very likely we have family members who know each other. I also realized, reading another (also currently inactive) blogger awhile back that we have mutual friends -- although I never mentioned that to her. And a few years back, I found a (non-ALI) blog written by a male relative. I have no idea if the rest of his family knows about it -- but I'm not about to bring it up with them, just in case.
The world really is much smaller than we think... especially with the Internet!
Anyway -- even though I have been seeking and returning support (and venting, lol) on the Internet about infertility, pregnancy loss & involuntary childlessness (albeit mostly in private forums, pre-blogging) since 1998, I am actually a rather private person "in real life." It’s funny how I have few qualms about sharing such deeply personal experiences, thoughts & feelings with people I have never met (at least, those who have shared similar experiences themselves & understand what it is to go through something like this) -- but cringe at the thought of family members & IRL friends being able to read them. They all know that I lost a baby and that we have no children, of course, but not all the gory details. (To be frank, I always doubted -- and still do doubt -- that most of them really WANT to know all the gory details. As I said, there is "knowing" and KNOWING...)
While I knew that nothing on the Internet is truly private, I guess I felt fairly "safe," in that I was a lot more Internet-savvy than many of my relatives, & I didn't think many of them would have reason to be reading infertility or pregnancy loss blogs (the older generation in particular). But I do write about other stuff, including family stories -- and I guess that, in the end, that was my downfall (although I've always tried to be fairly circumspect when writing about other people). :(
And then, a couple of years ago, Facebook arrived -- and all sorts of my friends & relatives joined -- people who, in the past, I might have only seen or spoken with once every few years, or heard from with a card at Christmastime. In many ways, it's been so great to be in closer touch with them.
But I had qualms -- justified, as it turns out. My biggest concern about Facebook has always been: what would happen when I brought all the separate compartments of my life -- family members, high school friends, college friends, support group friends, blogging friends, scrapbooking friends (not work friends -- at least, not yet!) -- together in one spot?
I guess I found out.
(On the other hand -- what if I was NOT on Facebook, & the link had still been posted, without my knowledge?? What if I wasn't an administrator of the group? What if I hadn't been signed up for e-mail notifications from the group? -- I always check my e-mail before going to Facebook & the other sites I check regularly. It could have been much, much worse...)
Being "found" & "outed" like that, so unexpectedly, and at the end of a stressful week, threw me for a loop. I panicked. Hours later, I was still hot, redfaced, shaky & tense. I'm really glad nobody had a blood pressure cuff on my arm that night. It would not have been pretty. :p
Fortunately, I am an admin on the FB group. I immediately deleted both relatives' posts & sent them private messages, explaining that this was my infertility blog & while I knew that nothing was truly private on the Internet (case in point...!) I would prefer not to have my family members reading it. And then made my blog private, while I thought about what I wanted to do next.
(The distant cousin who initially posted the link messaged me back almost immediately, apologizing. The last time I saw her, we were both around 12 years old, & our families have had very little direct contact until just recently again -- I am sure she had no idea of my personal reproductive history.)
I also had to deal with my mother (erk) who (as I had suspected/feared) received an e-mail notification about the posted link. Sure enough, when I talked to her that Sunday night, she asked if I'd gotten one too: "It looks like a link to a blog! About Grandma & Grandpa! But I've tried & tried, and I can't open the link," she said.
I took a deep breath and told her yes, it was about Grandma & Grandpa, and I had written it -- but there was other stuff there that I would prefer not to have my family read -- so I had deleted the link & taken down the blog. She sounded surprised, but seemed to accept that. She knows I have sought support on the Internet since we lost Katie -- she met one of my message board friends, a few years back. She just didn't know I had a blog. (Until now. :p ) She did suggest that maybe I should put an explanatory note on the Facebook group for other people who got notifications & were wondering too. I said I would rather just let sleeping dogs lie, not raise people's curiosity any further. I am sure that if anyone asks her about it, she will tell them what I told her.
Anyway, immediately after privatizing my blog, I started to feel much better. : ) I e-mailed Mel and a few of my blogging friends in my address book to let them know what had happened, and seek their advice (and ask Mel to post something on the Lost & Found). Even before I heard from any of them, I decided to sit tight & private for a week or two and let the dust settle, while I considered my options:
a) stop blogging & taken down my blog altogether. Not an option, in my books. ; ) (If this past week has taught me anything -- besides reinforcing that nothing is private online -- it's how much I enjoy blogging and what a release it can be to write out my feelings & connect to others in similar situations in this way. And how much I miss my blog and the interaction it affords, when it's not there.)
b) go permanently private -- potentially lose a lot of readers in the transition, & deny other women facing a childless-not-by-choice future the benefit of learning from my experiences, as I have learned from others' blogs -- which was one of the main reasons why I started blogging in the first place.
c) move my blog to WordPress, where I have the option of making individual posts password protected -- better than complete privatization, but still a hassle I didn't want to think about.
d) make my blog public again & continue blogging -- with the knowledge that my readership just may have expanded beyond my original intended audience.
I heard from some of my blogger friends, & weighed their advice. I looked at some of my old posts -- in particular, "Why I Blog," "Facebook Friends & Raising Awareness," and, from several years ago, "A telling post." And thought about why I started blogging, why I've kept blogging, and what I would gain and what I would lose by choosing b) c) or d).
And I decided that -- while I'm still not about to invite people I know to read my blog, or encourage them to share it with others if they find it -- while I don't LIKE the idea of family members & non-IF/loss friends reading my blog -- it's not quite the end of the world if they find it either. (I'm sure the fact that I am 51 years old & 11 years out from ttc/14 years post-stillbirth makes this a whole lot easier. How painful it would be, to be younger, still ttc, and have someone stumble on my blog at that point in my life.)
In the end, I decided on d) -- but after waiting a week or so, in the hopes that my relatives who found my blog would would forget about it/not try to access it again. Meantime, I went through some of my old posts, and made a few strategic edits where I thought they might be warranted. I've always tried to be careful when writing about my IRL family & friends, just in case something like this ever happened -- but these events made me want to go back & check, just to ease my mind. (Bonus: a few typos got corrected along the way. Although I am sure there are many more out there...!)
My dh (who reads my blog) was initially upset, seeing how upset I was. And then after he calmed down & gave me some hugs to calm ME down, he reminded me that it wasn't the end of the world, and said that he was proud of me and my blog. : ) "What's the worst that could happen?" he asked. "Maybe they SHOULD know about some of this stuff -- open their eyes."
Coincidentally -- this past week has been National Infertility Awareness Week (in the States -- it's in May in Canada). I guess this was my (inadvertent) & early contribution. ; )
Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind. I may still go private in the future, if there is further, negative fallout from this incident. I am going to be keeping a much closer eye on my stats.
But for now -- I am back. : ) Thank you so much, everyone, who e-mailed me privately or e-mailed others or posted on their blogs, asking about me. I am so grateful for your support.
This message is being added to the sidebar near the top of my blog:
If you are a friend or relative who has somehow found this blog... ummm... hi there! ; ) I realize that nothing on the Internet is truly private, and that, so long as this blog is public, I cannot stop you from reading it.
However -- I did not start writing this blog with with the idea that people I know "in real life" would be reading it -- and I would be grateful if you did not read any further. My blog is primarily about infertility and pregnancy loss, and how they have affected my life -- my experiences, thoughts and feelings. It has always (well, until now...) been a "safe" and invaluable outlet where I can deal with some deeply painful, personal stuff -- things are difficult for me to speak about openly -- and connect with others in a similar situation.
Whatever you do, I would very much appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else that we both know about this blog. Thank you for respecting my wishes and my privacy.
Do your family members & friends know about your blog? Have you ever been inadvertently (or deliberately) "outed?" If so, how did you deal with it? Any advice for me?
First, I'm really glad you're back. I was very worried about you, but figured it was something private that caused you to do this. I missed you!!
ReplyDeleteSecond, you have no idea how this post has reflected my own thinking today, though I kind of outed myself, and now I'm panicking a bit! So I can only imagine how you felt when you discovered you'd been outed. I'd done it before on a small scale, then recently I took down a link from 2011 on my everyday blog (which I publicise on Facebook) because I was worried about a family member finding one or two posts on my No Kidding blog. And now, in the rush of being on the HuffPost, I've outed myself in a big way, both on Facebook and on my everyday blog. I mean, even my real name has been used! Argh. So I'm thinking I might need to go and delete a couple of posts and take some links down - they're historical, but I've mentioned other people, and I really don't want to offend anyone. Of course, it's quite possible I already have, but I doubt that they've had the perseverance to look so deeply in the past that they found a vague reference about themselves. (There are only one or two people I'm concerned about).
I realise as I think about it that I am less concerned about people reading my feelings about infertility. If they read it, then they know and they can learn about it. If they judge, then that's their choice and I don't care. Frankly, the people I care about are the ones who had the link to it anyway.
Sorry - I didn't mean to make this all about me. And I'm glad you're back, and glad you're here. You've certainly helped me, and you were one of the very first ALI blogs I read.
You know, I've mentioned a couple times to family and friends that I have a blog. My close friend asked the other day what I write about, and I told her. Amazingly enough, though, everyone who knows about my blog respects the point of a blog, and have not asked for the URL. I cannot believe the respect I've gotten from family and friends in regards to blog privacy. I even offered the URL to my friend and she said that she wouldn't read it because it's my personal space. What a great friend!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this got out in the open. Ugh. Your comment at the end was very nicely worded.
Welcome back!!! I have been meaning to touch base with you since I saw your comment on my "Gatekeeping" post last week, but the time got away from me. I just want you to know that I am sorry you had to go through all of this and appreciate what it is like (from my own experience) to have people find your blog that you weren't expecting to. My blog has always been public too, but in the beginning I did share openly about it's existence with most people in my life. Anyway, it's late here in Chicago and past my bedtime, do I will wrap up for now. But so happy to see you and your blog are back up and running! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYikes Loribeth!!! Some of my family and friends know I participate online reaching out to other DE mom's, and women who have experienced IF and pg loss...but they don't know what websites or blogs I visit. None of them know I too write a blog. All I can say is, like you mentioned, based on your actions this week to keep your blog private while still public, I say let sleeping dogs lie too. Interesting post though...and good on ya for blogging about this experience as I am sure it will happen to one of us in the near future!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post! I always keep that in mind while writing my posts- I admit sometimes that makes me weight "is it fair to me to edit just because one day family or friend may find my blog?" and then remind myself, "you SHARE it on Facebook, you encourage friends to read it, soon or later, family will find it. Your point?" So I guess at this time, I'm waiting and seeing. I have the blog since this February, and.. ::looking around:: no one from family either commented or asked me.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I consider internet rather safe, thinking that what I share is private to family but open to public (odd perceptive, if one asks me). I'm open about my childlessness, struggles (especially with the diagnosis of infertility very new, and of the surgery only almost two months ago), and of my tears and laughter- and I know that my family is very private. Certain relatives freaked out when I shared some photos of my hospital stay, "You should keep your life private, it's not proper someday it will bite back at you!" At first, like you, I had a "mini heart attack", heart pounding, red-faced, and hands trembling, I rushed to check my posts on Facebook. I found I doubted my own judgement, and I asked some close friends whether I went too far to post the photos of me laying in the hospital bed, (thro no IVs hooked up) and of me starting to walk a few days later. They reassured me that those are fine, I waited two days later when I was more calm- and realized those photos were okay. I wrote to those relatives, that I shared the photos to reassure concerned friends of my surviving the surgery and of getting better and "I have nothing to hide when it is photos." A picture is a thousand stories, but you can leave it to one's perceptive, while writings are very much from the soul, and can be scary but also empowering.
My point is keep writing, you're right there are women out there that need to read to know they are not alone,and neither are you. :)
Thanks for sharing this post! I always keep that in mind while writing my posts- I admit sometimes that makes me weight "is it fair to me to edit just because one day family or friend may find my blog?" and then remind myself, "you SHARE it on Facebook, you encourage friends to read it, soon or later, family will find it. Your point?" So I guess at this time, I'm waiting and seeing. I have the blog since this February, and.. ::looking around:: no one from family either commented or asked me.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I consider internet rather safe, thinking that what I share is private to family but open to public (odd perceptive, if one asks me). I'm open about my childlessness, struggles (especially with the diagnosis of infertility very new, and of the surgery only almost two months ago), and of my tears and laughter- and I know that my family is very private. Certain relatives freaked out when I shared some photos of my hospital stay, "You should keep your life private, it's not proper someday it will bite back at you!" At first, like you, I had a "mini heart attack", heart pounding, red-faced, and hands trembling, I rushed to check my posts on Facebook. I found I doubted my own judgement, and I asked some close friends whether I went too far to post the photos of me laying in the hospital bed, (thro no IVs hooked up) and of me starting to walk a few days later. They reassured me that those are fine, I waited two days later when I was more calm- and realized those photos were okay. I wrote to those relatives, that I shared the photos to reassure concerned friends of my surviving the surgery and of getting better and "I have nothing to hide when it is photos." A picture is a thousand stories, but you can leave it to one's perceptive, while writings are very much from the soul, and can be scary but also empowering.
My point is keep writing, you're right there are women out there that need to read to know they are not alone,and neither are you. :)
I'm the same way in that I can be private IRL, but online with a bunch of strangers it's nothing for me to bare my soul.
ReplyDeleteI've tried my best to keep my blog pretty anonymous, but from stories I have written, if a friend or relative stumbled upon it, they could pretty easily figure it out.
Hi Loribeth,
ReplyDeleteWow, I can so relate to this post. I too deal with the insecurity that someone might find my blog and "out" me. I do try and be considerate (only vague references) of family and friends I might refer to, and I always refrain from using names (even my husband's--I don't think I have anyway). My family for the most part is not great at handling the expressing of "true feelings" and my parents are very private people. I did put up a Caringbridge site when my dad had his accident because it was the easiest way to convey information to a wide range of people. Better than answering the phone all day that's for sure; however, I sensed he was a little uneasy with me posting updates after he left the hospital so I've stopped since he is almost 95% recovered.
I understand that when you publicly blog and possibly refer to friends and family members (albeit in a discreet way) it can become a sticky wicket. Also, the intensely personal nature of infertility/childless blogs puts us as a greater vulnerability because we are sharing some of the most intensely personal aspects of lives.
That is the reason I have not advertised my blog widely nor joined many (just one) blogrolls. Still, I have developed a pretty decent readership over the last four years just from people finding my blog through web searches etc. I have told a few mutual childless not by choice friends, but that's basically it. Probably the biggest thing I do to draw any attention to my blog is tagging the topic I'm speaking about in any given post.
So, again, I understand your dilemma and have experienced all of these emotions. I'm not aware that I've been outed by family, but I'm sure that day is coming if I continue to keep my blog public.
Hi Loribeth, I don't have a blog myself, but I have been lurking (and occasionally commenting) on various ALI blogs over the past year. I found yours through a link someone posted when you were featured by Too Many Fish to Fry. Just so you aren't wondering who has been browsing through your older posts recently, I have been. And even though I just recently found you. I was in a panic when the blog was down. You so articulately express so many feelings I have had for years. I'm glad your blog is back!
ReplyDeleteAssvice? No. !! But tons of sympathy. Loribeth, I'm so sorry this happened and I know what you went through this week. And I'm so glad you are back; I would miss you if you locked down forever.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if my original blog was ever outed or not ... but I had a couple of serious scares and I know exactly what you mean about your blood pressure (hyperventilation ...). I finally got so skittish about facebook and their invisible, invasive tentacles ... the possibility of them throwing up connections against my wishes and unknown to me ... that I did lock up the old blog and start a new one on WP. I could just imagine this appearing in my husband's fb stream: Mike read a post! And then almost everyone that I would never in a million years want in my "safe" space would be there in a click. The horror.
I was not as circumspect as you when working through some things on my blog ... I stand by what I wrote, but a lot of it would be problematic for certain others to read ... stuff that was never intended for their consumption. But once you are out, intentions don't matter, do they?
To this day, I worry that I may have been outed without knowing it. But I have learned that there is no real anonymity on the web; I've seen others suffer from risking more privacy-wise than they have would have consciously chosen to lose. So I'm now blogging in a way that I don't have to worry about being outed. I haven't even had time to do the tutorial on WP and lay the blog out the way I would like it to be ... but I've taken a sloppy dive and at least I can lock my posts. Eventually, I'm hoping to post more openly ... but that material is more time consuming to produce for a number of reasons and I'm short on time these days.
I will say ... the functionality of WP is really great. Being able to password protect allows you as many layers of privacy as you need (you can even change up the passwords from post to post, if you want to have an inner-inner-inner circle of blog peeps). To me, having an all- private blog cuts out the biggest benefits of the medium in the first place. But it is impossible to to reconcile the bad that comes along with so much good ... unless you give up all memoir-style posting and write more or less like a journalist ... which cuts off a lot of the support and connection you can gain from the exercise.
I wish blogger would have adopted the password on/password off feature in time to save me from having to move. It's a pain, but if you ever feel you might like the flexibility to write more personally for your "in" crowd ... do consider WP. Do a move gradually and thoughtfully is a lot better than having to do it in "Oh bleep!" mode.
Assvice for you? Not at all honey. You're doing just fine! I certainly understand the desire to keep these sorts of things private.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I decided long ago to go public. My reasoning then was as it is now: infertility should not be a taboo topic. It's hard. It's gut-wrenching. It's painful. It's scary. I didn't want to go through all that alone. I took it as part of my duty to put myself out there to educate the public (including my family and IRL friends) about infertility.
I knew that my family would wonder what was going on with me if they didn't know I was going through treatment, and I was on so many medications, hormones, having mood swings, etc. They'd say, "Gil, what the heck is wrong with you? Crying at the drop of a hat?! That isn't like you!" So honestly, it was easier to out myself. And I did.
I did that interview in the Globe and Mail too, and my coworkers found out as well. Oh yeah, I'm all out there. I talk about it at every opportunity. I discuss the pain, the grief, the difficulty, etc. that so many people are going through quietly, behind closed doors, afraid to speak up. I speak on their behalf. I'm comfortable now, doing that. But I certainly understand why some people wouldn't be. It takes time and courage, and some people never strive to get to that point anyway. That's okay. That's what makes the world go round!
I'm just glad you're back. Sending hugs to you and your DH.
I'm so glad you've decided to keep posting, and I'm with your husband. What's the worst that could happen if someone who knows you found your blog? Yes, I totally understand your own desire for privacy, and that's obviously important. But you write clearly and cogently and intelligently and compassionately about important things that don't get enough discussion. I think it would do a lot of good if your blog were "required reading" for some people. I'm sure that your archives contain some intensely personal material that you'd rather not share with people you know IRL, but I also don't think there is anything to be ashamed of on your blog, and I'm so glad that your voice won't be muted or privatized in spite of Facebook!
ReplyDeleteMy advice is don't change a thing. Its not like you write horrible things about your family on here (I just realized that I need to go delete some of my posts about my MIL). My blog is my outlet and memory keeper. My sister knows about my blog and a few of my friends but I refuse to edit (I can't think of the right word) myself. At first if feels like the worst thing in the world but once you get used to the idea that people you know are reading it, its not a big deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your blog was outted to your family. That sounds incredibly stressful. I'm impressed by your level-headed consideration of why you blog and the consequences of family maybe seeing it. I'm glad you're still blogging here. Your voice is invaluable in our community and I for one would be very sad if your stopped writing. I hope this weekend is more restful than the last was.
ReplyDeleteI was going to send your link to someone I know who more recently lost their only child - but was puzzled last week when I couldn't connect. Now I know!
ReplyDeleteMy blog started as an adoption blog - we put the address on our pass-along cards trying to get the word out to everyone. Well, 4 years later and no child...only heartache, we decided to make the childless choice. At times I wish my family didn't read for my husband's family has been so hurtful and I cannot post about it. Just on Easter, there were only a few of us there...when his sister said something about, "...out of ten grandchildren, only one is here...". Such a simple statement, but it hurt...did it not matter that we were there? The comments just pile up on top of each other. At one point my mother-in-law told me that my life would be meaningless without children; she told me on an outing with just the two of us - and let me tell you, there has not been another outing since.
Anyhow, it is an interesting topic for certain and liked reading all the comments on this one!
This is a really interesting issue.
ReplyDeleteI started blogging back in 2000 before anyone knew what it was. I kept a blog on Diaryland.com then moved to Livejournal. A lot of my close friends did too, so it was a little community of people I knew in real life and a few virtual only friends. Well, I never really had to worry about anyone coming across it b/c it was not linked to my real name and I think you had to have a live journal account to read it - or I set it up that way.
Anyway, I took a break from blogging and then I started back a year and half ago. At first, I didn't really tell people about my blog. I wasn't even sure where they blog would go. Then I started linking to it on Facebook, which seemed fine at first, but then my mom started reading it, Ross' stepmom, and my uncle. I got panicky as I had written a lot of personal stuff. But, at the end of the day, I felt it was silly to worry b/c I was keeping a blog on a website under my own name, and if there was something I didn't want people to read, I shouldn't write about it. So, that's where I have come to stand on it. But, I also know I have chosen to share my blog w/lots of people and now be published on the Huffington Post, so, for me, it mainly ended up being a choice to share with the world.
But, I have known others in the past who wrote anonymously and did not want family/friends to find their writing for whatever reason and it is always a risk. I think the good that your words add to the life of others is worth this risk. So, I totally understand your desire for privacy, but you really are helping others by writing.
So, I guess my words don't really help you decide what to do. But I am so glad that you write and that I have found your blog. I am also very glad that you are back. You have my support!
I'm so glad you're back!
ReplyDeleteGlad you decided to keep it open! I would have missed you.
ReplyDeleteI would be horrified if my family read my blog- I use that space to get out all the stuff I can't IRL. And sometimes, that involves things (usually) well meaning family members say or do.
I'm sorry your privacy was invaded. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. But I am so glad you're back.
I am so happy to see you are back. I learn a lot from your posts and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteDo your family members & friends know about your blog? Have you ever been inadvertently (or deliberately) "outed?" If so, how did you deal with it? Any advice for me?
ReplyDeleteMy parents, in-laws, and close friends know I have a blog. And they know it mainly features our struggle with infertility and recently our failed adoption.
Family members - not so much (my mom's side is crazy, and I'm not really close to them. I'm only friends with one cousin on FB and I don't think she has a clue of what is going on if it isn't happening in her bubble (dodged that bullet.)
I have never been deliberately outed about my blog on FB, unless I did it. I do not link my blog posts to my FB account either. The only time I deliberately link the two is during NIAW, and its usually only one post a year.
I don't have much advice, but please don't go away. I like your blog.
Welcome back! My family does not know about my blog. Very few "IRL" friends know about it either. I like it that way. I need a place where I can go say things I wouldn't say anywhere else. If my family ever found it - well - one of my posts was titled "My brother is a shithead" so you can guess what may happen. I'm sorry that you went through this, and I am very glad you are back!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you're back. I totally understand what you were feeling all the way around, and support your decisions no matter what. But I love your blog and really missed it while you were away.
ReplyDeleteI am "out" and fully google-able. My family reads my blog and are very supportive. I'm lucky that way...but I don't really publicize it to everyone I know, like people at the preschool. They may know about it and it's not a secret but I'm not like, "HERE'S MY BLOG!!!" either. I'm sure it's a matter of time before I offend someone or something. I'm not sure what I'll do then....
PS:
I love what your husband had to say about the whole thing!
SIGH. I'm struggling with this very thing myself.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom found my blog a couple of years ago. She stumbled across it in such a bizarre way that it was almost destiny. I figured out she had been reading but she never confessed it to me so I finally asked her about it and she wrote me a beautiful email about how precious it was to her to be able to know what her daughter had been feeling when she really couldn't understand or relate to what it was like to experience IF/loss.
So I kept on but would catch myself skipping over some of the worst details of my marriage fallout because I knew it would upset my parents to know. My ex-husband knew about my blog but never showed any interest in it while we were married and now I don't know if he (or the mistress/ex-best friend) read it. I've found myself censored to the point that I rarely blog because it doesn't feel safe like it used to.
I've established a WordPress blog but haven't really started it yet. Like you mention - I don't want to lose readers (I don't have a lot but I consider them all friends) and I don't want other people in need to not be able to get support from me. It's always refreshing to have a new person stumble across my blog and go, "ME TOO!!"
So I completely understand your dilemma. I miss brutal, honest blogging. But I'm glad you're back - and you still have lots of options. If you start to have vauge 'censorship' feelings, check out Wordpress and try it on for size. Like I said, I've established a Wordpress blog but I'm still waiting to see how I feel about it before I commit. And give your DH a squeeze for me - he sounds like a great guy :-)