tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post8115665780747773548..comments2024-03-26T08:06:19.661-04:00Comments on The Road Less Travelled: If you think you're "useless," then what am I?? loribethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post-59959265815662609752021-11-09T11:58:22.339-05:002021-11-09T11:58:22.339-05:00eta, I appreciate that you expressed your differen...eta, I appreciate that you expressed your differences with this post in a calm & respectful way -- thank you for that! You make some good points (especially about your friend & her grandmother), and I realize I may have been a little harsh -- the post was written and published in the heat of the moment. <br /><br />I did say that I recognize his right to grieve this significant loss in his life. I guess my issue is that, the empty nest is by and large recognized as a valid form of grief (although even a few parents seemed to find his statement a little over the top) -- but the disenfranchised grief of pregnancy loss and childlessness is still by and large unrecognized. It's certainly less recognized and validated. It's true, his comment was expressing his personal situation and feelings only (and I keep thinking there's more to the story than those few sentences...) and nothing else, but I saw it as a reflection of the broader pronatalism of our society and the subconscious corollary that childless/free lives have less meaning and value. He's thinking about his own situation, but I guess I am too...! <br /><br />Thanks again for your thoughtful comment. loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post-87042072626802422452021-11-08T16:56:33.275-05:002021-11-08T16:56:33.275-05:00I have read a lot of your blog posts over the las...I have read a lot of your blog posts over the last few years and usually really appreciate your perspective. Here I don't agree with you. Taking the man's words at face value, he is feeling great pain and loss. Not uncommon emotions at a time like that - see this article, for example: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201908/facing-empty-nest-syndrome<br /><br />Yes, as you said, he's lucky to have had his children and that time with them, and it's precisely that which leads to this kind of loss. Clearly it's not the same kind of loss that you have experienced, and continue to experience, but it is loss nonetheless. And a comment such as yours seems to disenfranchise his grief. <br /><br />Consider this. I grew up without grandparents, all of whom died before I was born or when I was very young. My friend, who's around 40 like me, is now facing the death of her elderly grandmother. Part of me feels like saying something along the lines of your comment - "at least you had her in your life for four decades, while I never knew any grandparent!" The better part of me realizes that this is not helpful, or relevant. Her loss, her grief, is valid no matter what my or others' situations and experiences may be. <br /><br />Finally, I don't see why his comment has to be taken as commentary on the lives of people who haven't had children. He personally feels useless given his change in lifestyle and role. He's not saying that those without children, or even those whose children have grown and left, are indeed useless. His own sense of loss was expressed in a way that is being much too broadly interpreted, by others, to apply to others, when there is no indication that that is what he meant. <br /><br />I'd be interested in any feedback you may have. etahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16951827020796556054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post-56212662875956381502021-11-04T11:59:42.944-04:002021-11-04T11:59:42.944-04:00Nope! I've got a bunch of friends becoming emp...Nope! I've got a bunch of friends becoming empty nesters and they are in morning. I alway comment that they have a lot to look forward too (just like you said) but I don't have kids. My whole marriage has been an empty nest. Karahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14203115012853993916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post-11672696160404395612021-11-02T23:27:10.049-04:002021-11-02T23:27:10.049-04:00Nope, you weren't too harsh. Learning to be gr...Nope, you weren't too harsh. Learning to be grateful for what you have is, as we all know, a key in healing from a loss, and it might have helped him (or someone else who was reading it) by pointing that out. <br /><br />Ronald (though I haven't read the article yet) sounds a bit like my late FIL. He was bemoaning his "uselessness" after his retirement - just a few years after his youngest left university. I pointed out that his boys all had good jobs, were responsible members of the community, were doing well and could look after themselves, and didn't he feel proud of that? He clearly didn't, and struggled to be grateful for his many advantages in life. Sadly, he never recovered from his "uselessness" on retirement, even though he had 30 years of life in which to find new interests, spend time with grandchildren (who admittedly lived overseas, but he could afford to visit them), etc etc. He had a few years when he threw himself into the genealogy of his line and that of his wife's, but even then, he struggled with feeling a useful member of society, even to the stage of wondering whether he should still vote. But he could never really put himself in our shoes. Sigh.<br /><br />(Sorry for post-length comment!) Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3178366214524455884.post-17807596617937875752021-11-02T12:34:01.011-04:002021-11-02T12:34:01.011-04:00I don't think you were too harsh. Your comment...I don't think you were too harsh. Your comment might help Ronald. Sometimes we need a change in perspective in order to feel better about our situation. Maybe you gave that gift to him.Infertile Phoenixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11033358612204465661noreply@blogger.com