(…and it was only Monday when I started writing this post...!) Even though I was back at work last week, I still feel like I am adjusting.
It's been a busy two days at the office -- a taste of things to come. September through March (year-end) tends to be the busiest season of the year at my office. My company's third-quarter results were released today. Yesterday, I spent most of an absolutely brutal day holed up in a boardroom with a co-worker, taking turns proofreading long columns of numbers aloud (this being Canada, both the English AND French versions!)(another pair of proofreading coworkers had an even worse deal -- both numbers AND (English) text!). It turned out this document was 38 pages long. Same time last year it was 27 pages, & two years ago it was 23 -- no wonder!! By the end of it all, my voice was shot & I was totally useless for the short time left in the work day.
Stayed up waaaayyyyy past my usual bedtime last night nurturing my inner political junkie, watching Ted Kennedy & Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic convention in Denver, and am paying for it today. (Why is U.S. politics so much more interesting than what passes for politics/politicians here in Canada right now??) Would love to hear Hillary Clinton tonight, but not sure I'll make it before I have to crawl into bed. Why does the coverage start so late?? (10 p.m. my time.) I suppose the networks find the advertising revenue at 8 or 9 p.m. is more lucrative when they schedule something like "Big Brother" or "Dancing With the Stars"...!
(Which reminds me of a sort of funny, politics-related story related to my great-great grandmother's letters, which I posted for Show & Tell a week ago. My American-born mother is a dyed-in-the-wool Republican -- but when I came home a few weeks ago, she was sporting an Obama button on the side of her purse!! She said she got it when they were at a family reunion, from her cousin's wife, who is a bigtime Obama supporter. I think she kind of liked shocking people with it, lol. Anyway, when we stopped at the office of our distant cousin to pick up those family letters, we were waiting in the foyer for him & I hissed at Mom, "TURN YOUR PURSE AROUND." I didn't know this man's politics -- although from what little I knew, I could hazard a guess that he was probably not an Obama fan! -- but I wasn't willing to risk him taking offense & not handing over the letters after all, lol.)
Lots of comings & goings at the office. My immediate boss is on holidays this week. The summer students are heading back to school. So is the young assistant we've had working with us for the better part of the last 5-7 years. She's very good at what she does & I will miss her. Another coworker from the 20-something set is also leaving at the end of the week for a more prestigious job. We've had three new people (replacements) join the department in the last two weeks, with a few more to come.
And then there's my pg coworker, who is counting down the days until mat leave (due date is Oct. 3rd; last day is Sept. 12th or 19th) -- & telling everyone about the pink nursery she's decorated. :(
StepSIL (married to stepMIL's youngest son, both aged 41) had her baby on Sunday, a day earlier than scheduled (a boy). StepMIL is over the moon. I think she had given up on ever being a grandmother. We will be expected to go visit & bring a gift soon.
And of course, it seems like every other woman I pass by these days is hugely pregnant.
Dh's cousins' annual Labour Day weekend barbecue is this Saturday. On the one hand, I do enjoy getting to see everyone (we so seldom all get together these days). On the other hand, we are now the one & only adult couple in the entire extended family that doesn't have kids. Doppelganger cousin's wife (who will be 45 in December) will be hugely pregnant with their second -- not sure of the due date, but it should be soon. Their first little girl is not even 2 yet. Dh adores her. She's very cute, but seeing him with her always makes me a little sad.
Two cousins are teachers, another is a teacher's aide and another works for the school division --so the "back to school" talk is always overwhelming. Not only do I get to hear all about their own kids, I also get to hear about everyone else's, lol. After awhile, I tend to get bored silly.
It's been 25 years since I was in school, and I find I still kind of miss that "back to school" feeling. I guess most people get to relive it with their kids. It feels like everyone else is on the move with their lives in some respect, starting some exciting new chapter in their lives, except for me. I'm not really sure where I should be, or want to be moving on to (except maybe early retirement, lol). And I'm really not that good with change, generally speaking. I just don't like the feeling that everyone else is moving on & leaving me stuck in the dust.
Dh just read some of this post over my shoulder & sadly said that I sounded like a bitter, unhappy person. :( I hope not, since that's not how I generally think of myself. But a girl's gotta vent once in awhile, doesn't she?? And this blog is one of the places where I feel "safe" doing that.
I find that I can usual handle any one or two of these things as they happen, one-off. But it can be very draining. And then when everything starts piling up all at once...
Sounds like you need another vacation. a true vacation.
ReplyDeleteYou don't sound bitter, but it does sound like you go along with everyone else's conversations, and they never think for a bit that you might not care or that it might hurt you to hear it.
If you were a less nice person (say, like me) you might respond to a "my little so and so is starting big boy school this year" with a "yes, that's nice, it's been ten years since my one and only daughter died."
Of course that's just me....
Loribeth, I don't think you sound bitter, just a tad bit exhausted dealing with all this stuff considering what life has handed you. I don't blame you for that.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to me how people on the "outside" truly believe we "get over it" and but we know even years later, the ache can still be there. I still have a hard time hearing pregnancy talk or seeing 2 kids close together in age, a brother and sister....*Sigh*
Hang in there, take good care of yourself.
I had to giggle at your story about your mother and her Obama pin! My family is a mixed lot, with mostly Obama supporters, but I don't think my dad has ever voted anything but republican. He is starting to get outnumbered though, so now he tends to keep quiet during political discussions!
Nostalgic? Wistful? Weary?
ReplyDeleteYou don't sound bitter. Tired. Overwhelmed.
I'm sorry. It's not fair. ((((Hugs))))
You sound like me and I am not bitter and unhappy. What? Stop laughing!
ReplyDeleteWow, sounds like you need another vacation, what a busy week.
You don't sound bitter to me. Just worn out, overworked, reentering after a vacation. Fatigue and stress just makes all the IF stuff more acutely painful.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any comfort, I'll share a catty realization I've had lately: A large proportion of the women I notice look pregnant are actually just plump (this is a college town, so breeders are not as common but Rubenesque young ladies are). And with the terrible maternity-style fashions today, it's becoming impossible to tell the rotund from the gravid.
I hope some little rays of light come into your week! The weekend, at any rate, isn't too far off!
No, I don't think you sound bitter -- but I agree with ya chun that you might be a little too nice in these situations.
ReplyDelete(I am LOL at shinejil's comment. D. and I have a new game: Fat or Pregnant? I wish we had played it before.)
Back-to-school time bring out the nostalgia in most adults, I think. Until infertility, I never realized what a childcentric time of year it is. The ads, the newspaper articles, such darling pictures. The realization that a friend who started TTC at the same time now is dropping her child off at preschool. It has been hard for me in past years -- the quiet pain of childlessness vs. the much-discussed growing pains of parenthood, with everyone saying how hard it was to put their 5-yr-old on the bus for the first time, or how wonderful it is to have the house quiet again. And I would think, "What I wouldn't give to have such a loud, energetic house."
You don't sound bitter or unhappy at all. Just dealing with your reality as best you can. Pregnant people will always sting. Everyone else's healthy babies can still sting. And we can still be happy for other people at the same time. I don't think people get that.
ReplyDeleteIt just sucks. That's about all I can say. It sucks having to watch other people go in a direction that you will never be able to go in yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd it sucks that you still have to live with that, while others go on with their lives.
I find it fascinating to talk to foreigners living in the US and are observing our election year. First I love how they are usually unbiased (contrary to what the media tells us) and they have a completely untainted perspective when it comes to the candidates. That is..untainted by family persuasion, geographical location or history. My Japanese student when talking about Obama said something that I think is telling and classic. He said "Obama speaks in slogans."
ReplyDeleteWelcome to America.
Yeah, I didn't think bitter either - more like weary. Me too.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
You don't sound bitter, friend. Sometimes the way the world focuses on parenthood/children/pregnancy gets to be too much.
ReplyDeleteI like ya chuns suggested reply to the non-stop-kid-babbling some parents do ... sometimes I wish they'd shut up already.
Vent away. That's why we're here -- to support you and lend an understanding ear.