My question is, why aren't there more of us who write & speak out about our experiences, on blogs or message boards, in books and in public?
Granted, there are more & more of us doing so all the time -- witness the number of blogs listed in my childless/free blogroll (accumulated over several years), & the number of responses to my post asking for more. There have been several great books published on this subject just in the last few years alone (hello, Pamela & Lisa!).
But in the 10+ years since we stopped infertility treatments, I've found lots of message boards, blogs and websites dedicated to childless/free not by choice living. Very few of them are well used. Many tend to peter out after awhile.
I have a few theories:
- People just get on with the "living" part of the equation after the initial adjustment period is over (on the flip side, lots of infertility blogs tend to peter out after the baby finally arrives too).
- Let's face it, infertility blogs are event & drama driven -- the next cycle, the next round of infertility drugs, what protocol to use, the big hpt results, whether to use donor eggs or a surrogate, whether to adopt... living childless/free is... well, just LIVING. The focus becomes our life generally, not specifically the pursuit of a baby. There's the occasional angst when life slaps us in the face with baby showers & cruel comments from unthinking friends and relatives, etc. -- but for the most part, there isn't a lot of ALI-relevant drama to report.
- Having made the decision to live without children, they want to get on with the business of living and not think about ALI matters or angst anymore. That doesn't mean they don't have it, at least occasionally, but they don't want to be reminded of it or dwell on it anymore (just as some people who have been through loss &/or infertility seem to forget everything they've been through once they finally become parents).
- They find that childless/free living is so busy & fulfilling, they don't have time to write about it anymore. ; )
- They find other obsessions/interests beyond the ALI community that consume their time.
- Deep down, they might still feel their lives aren't interesting or worthy of sharing with others, without children to talk about.
- Some of them (especially the younger ones) eventually do resume treatments or decide to pursue adoption, or -- surprise! -- find themselves miraculously pregnant -- and wind up with a baby after all.
Thoughts, or alternate theories to share?
If you blog or otherwise write (on message boards, etc.) about childless/free living, especially if you've been doing it for awhile, why do you continue to do so?
If you don't anymore, or as often as you used to, why not?
My blog started out as a way for me to connect with other women who were childless and to share my thoughts, feelings and just plain talk about my life. It turned into a surprise pregnancy blog about 6 months into it and then after 8 weeks turned into miscarriage and now it is back to childless again. I do still write maybe not on a daily basis but I found it helpful to me during all these times. I do plan on continuing as I look at it as a journal of my life and so helpful for me to see the path it has taken me. As I approach my 45th b-day this May and find my memory to be not as good as it was in my 30's, I know I can always go to my blog to get important events or information about things that have happened. I hope other childless women will do the same because no matter what having a child or not, your life is still important and interesting, if not to others, do it for yourself. You will be happy you did years from now.
ReplyDeleteVery insightful post, Lori, as usual. I don't blog, but with respect to not posting on the message board we "met" each other on, I stopped posting for pretty much all the reasons you mention (except the last one, of course). The last time I visited that board (before it went password-protected), it was pretty dead, so I guess I wasn't the only one. It's a little ironic - I think maybe we become less active as the need for support lessens over time, but it means that in those times when the need for support might pop up again, the resources we used to turn to aren't there any more. That's why I appreciate you and the others that keep blogging. Just knowing that there are others out there in a similar situation is a form of support - a very important one. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYour question is one many of us are pondering simultaneously. In fact, it came up just last night! I had the pleasure of sharing dinner with "B" (aka Australian author of The Shifty Shadow blog). She was in San Francisco on holiday; such a wonderful evening. We first "met" online three+ years ago. Our real life meeting affirmed that online friendships and this particular community can have a lasting impact.
ReplyDeleteYou have answered the question so well -- especially the point about infertility blogs being "event" based, or as Mrs. Spit pointed out, a way to make sense of raw emotions. Why do I keep writing? I think it's important that women coming behind us see that it is possible to work through the darkness and not only find new footing, but thrive. We're the inaugural class of "what comes after infertility" bloggers.
I, for one, am glad we all showed up to support each other a few years ago, and continue to look out for one another.
There are many places where I feel out of place. Partly because of the stepchildren-every-other-weekend : I'm afraid that people don't understand it makes me feel even more childless and excluded. The other part is that emotionally I haven't given up the thought of (donor egg) treatment, so on my blog I still ponder that.
ReplyDeleteThe actual life I live is mostly childless.
The reason why I will eventually stop writing is that I'm not a natural writer at all. I find it very difficult to put words to feelings (on top of finding it difficult to deal with feelings)
Denial is my natural state...
dear Loribeth,
ReplyDeleteI loved your sentence: living childless/free is... well, just LIVING. Yes, exactly!
I started to write my blog recently - to help me overcome difficult time - after the decision to stop IVF treatments. And other reason is to find new friends around the world. So far I met personaly only one and she made my year 2011 a wonderful one!
You are so right - you even brought up a lot of points that I didn't think about.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, it surprises me when I come across someone who ~isn't~ a blog reader. I have a co-worker friend who had been going through the IF journey and asked me if I had ever heard of a HCG "trigger" shot. I was like, "Seriously? Do you just not have internet access at home?"
Shocking as it seems in this day and age but I wonder if there aren't women out there who don't know where to go for support. Because, you know, it's a topic that is still taboo to talk about. Along with IF, loss, etc.
I agree with what Pamela said - keep blogging because there are women out there who are new to the idea of living 'child free' and will need you and your story for support.
I fall into the "too busy/getting on with living" category. I still have my private blog that has turned into my living childfree blog, however I haven't written on it in a couple of months. When I do write on it, it is just about what is going on in my life at the moment (new job, moving to IL, losing and then finding my wedding ring, etc.). Now I've had to go back to MI temporarily to care for my mom who is seriously ill and that takes all of my energy. There isn't much left for writing on my blog. My public blog I intended to turn into a cat blog (since my cats are my kids and I've gotten involved in rescue), but even that has been left on the back burner.
ReplyDeleteI also don't feel like I have much left to say regarding our failure to have a child. We tried for 5 years - multiple IVFs, donor egg IVFs and traditional surrogacy. Nothing worked. I wrote about it, dealt with it and am now trying to go on with my life. For me I never became pregnant so there was never a baby that I lost - just dreams. Also as difficult as infertility was, it wasn't the most difficult thing I've ever been through in my life. It doesn't define me. For me caring for my best friend 12-10 years ago as she fought and died of breast cancer was the most defining event in my life. I think it equipped me to be able to handle other challenges/tragedies in my life. I learned so long ago that life doesn't turn out like you plan, but each day is precious, new dreams can be found, and an adventure awaits! Those are my reasons.
I commend you Lori for your continued dedication to the many women out there who will go through infertility and come out on the other side childless. You have a gift!
I can't comment on the blogging part but on the reading part, since my experience of IF brought me to parenthood. I find I am especially interested in reading the CFNBC blogs for a couple of reasons that really stand out:
ReplyDelete1. My DSIL and her DH did everything they were comfortable doing for tx, no pgcy. They do not feel that adoption is for them, so, CFNBC is their choice. It is (was) hard for me to understand because DH and I both were interested in adoption if the tx path did not turn out (however, you never truly know until you are in the position of making a decision). So, I ventured back onto the net and found blogs instead of message boards, and was especially drawn to the CFNBC. It really helps me get an idea of the thought process, the emotions, what life is like in this space.
2. Once I began reading I found that the bloggers are 'every day heros' to me. It takes so much that is admirable to fight through this crisis of losing the dream, letting go of such a primal longing, and forging into a new life. I don't feel I have the words to describe it well. The CFNBC bloggers that I follow seem to have a courage, honesty, integrity, compassion, sensitivity, resilience, and kernel of - hope? faith? perspective? - something I don't necessarily find in blogs in general (though there are some IF'ers with kids who also have been through the wringer and who have similar qualities). There is just something about these bloggers that makes them heroes to me, that gives me an example of how to live through devastation honestly and tenaciously.
I have had other difficulties, not as heart wrenching as IF or loss, but still in the 'never-thought-this-would-happen-to-me' category, and the example from the CFNBC bloggers has gone a long way to helping me find a way to get through it with some amount of hope and graciousness.
I don't recall if it was mrs. spit or Pamela who had the quote up: If you are going through hell, don't stop ... keep going!
I can't comment on the blogging part but on the reading part, since my experience of IF brought me to parenthood. I find I am especially interested in reading the CFNBC blogs for a couple of reasons that really stand out:
ReplyDelete1. My DSIL and her DH did everything they were comfortable doing for tx, no pgcy. They do not feel that adoption is for them, so, CFNBC is their choice. It is (was) hard for me to understand because DH and I both were interested in adoption if the tx path did not turn out (however, you never truly know until you are in the position of making a decision). So, I ventured back onto the net and found blogs instead of message boards, and was especially drawn to the CFNBC. It really helps me get an idea of the thought process, the emotions, what life is like in this space.
2. Once I began reading I found that the bloggers are 'every day heros' to me. It takes so much that is admirable to fight through this crisis of losing the dream, letting go of such a primal longing, and forging into a new life. I don't feel I have the words to describe it well. The CFNBC bloggers that I follow seem to have a courage, honesty, integrity, compassion, sensitivity, resilience, and kernel of - hope? faith? perspective? - something I don't necessarily find in blogs in general (though there are some IF'ers with kids who also have been through the wringer and who have similar qualities). There is just something about these bloggers that makes them heroes to me, that gives me an example of how to live through devastation honestly and tenaciously.
I have had other difficulties, not as heart wrenching as IF or loss, but still in the 'never-thought-this-would-happen-to-me' category, and the example from the CFNBC bloggers has gone a long way to helping me find a way to get through it with some amount of hope and graciousness.
I don't recall if it was mrs. spit or Pamela who had the quote up: If you are going through hell, don't stop ... keep going!
I think for me, since I didn't start out with an infertility blog but nudged into it when it was obvious getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy, I faced a lot of criticism. Criticism that eventually swallowed me whole. I had to shut down my blog and start over. But it was never the same, I didn't feel authentic anymore. Now I'm trying again with a new blog, back to basics like I started 9 years ago, but I'm not really writing about infertility. I wrote about my pain in such a raw fashion for 6 years and mostly got attacked for it on my blog. Now I want to find something else in my life. My life didn't turn out how I always thought it would and I've gotten to a point where I don't want to be sad about it anymore. I want to go on living and figuring out where to go from here. So that's what I'm trying to do. I think someone just coming across my blog would barely realize all I've been through and that's okay. But it also means I don't really fit in on your list because I rarely, if ever, talk about it, and when I do I'm very conscious about what I'm saying. I also think blogs are about storytelling and readers are waiting for the big happy things. The logical conclusion was this was one more thing I was going to get through, I was going to beat, but that never happened. The end of infertility means the big happy thing isn't going to happen. I feel like I let a lot of people down who were reading me, some since before I met my husband. I didn't really know what to do, how to redirect myself. Still, the few blogs that I read that talk about it, I love them, I need them, I was always envious of the sense of community around them. I just got hate mail and comments.
ReplyDelete@ Lori: You're not the only one. I've noticed I have a few followers whose blogs don't necessarily relate to childless/free living. I'm sorry you received so many negative comments :( but am glad you feel comfortable enough to comment on mine!
ReplyDeleteI am loving all the long, thoughtful comments & discussion this post has generated. Keep them coming! (And thank you all for your kind words!)
I was just thinking about this since I can't seem to make myself blog lately although I have been infrequently checking in and commenting. I think part of it for me is the limbo I find myself in. Each time I think I am ready to move on to a child free life I am so unhappy with that decision that I don't know what to do. That's where I am now...I really want to figure it out though and I know that at some point my age will decide it for me. At that point will I blog? I honestly can't say. I may want to put it all behind me at that point and as you said just "get on with living".
ReplyDeleteFor me, I wanted to move on, find happiness in my life and not dwell on the unhappiness. I needed to for my sanity. But on top of that - I don't think people (that is people who never faced the issue or those who found other solutions) want to hear about it. Just today, I read a blog post that commented on the blogger's friend who said that she can't have children. The blogger's post was about "yes you can, if you want to you can adopt" - which she herself had done. Then in another infertility blog, a woman who had children of her own questioned why people did not adopt - I believe you posted there yourself. That just reinforces my belief that most of those who have not been in our position don't want to hear about it and even some of those who have don't want to hear about it. I suppose it's a cop out on my part - but that's where I am.
ReplyDeleteWHAT does ALI stand for???? i am guessing AFter Loss & Infertility but am horribly currious.. we need a page of short forms :-)
ReplyDeleteBut great blog.
To answer your question Why ... some of us just didnt think it happened to other people. Honestly its a fight that I have with Driver all the time, he accepted it so should I and just move on. But I can't.
Finding these blogs has been a huge relief. As my frustration has led me to try and find hearing ear elsewhere and that doesnt end well.. but having a blog as an outlet seems much more healthy.
I recently heard an older man say that he & his wife couldnt have kids, and after trying and giving up finally, his wife never got over it and it ended their marriage. I felt that it was the only and inevitable outcome. Its the statistic I hear alot. And after 15 years with Driver, the only man who can truly comfort me and care for my messed up mind and body, I dont want to risk loosing him.