Yes, we can!

The first year we were married (1985 -- 35 years ago now...!), I told dh I wanted to go to the Santa Claus Parade. 

"You want to go to the Santa Claus Parade??" was not only his reaction but his brother's & cousins' too. "Damn right," I said. I spent my entire childhood watching the Eatons Santa Claus Parade from faraway Toronto -- and now that I was living IN Toronto, I wanted to see it in person. Nevermind that I was now 24 years old and we didn't have any kids to haul along as an excuse. ;) 

We went. We (well, I, lol) had a blast. We went again several years later, along with BIL, SIL, the nephews, and a couple of dh's cousins & their kids. We were the only couple in the group without kids (and still thought we'd have our own someday at that point), but we had a blast then too. In the years after we lost our daughter, just thinking about the parade could sometimes reduce me to tears -- but gradually, the joy returned. There was no parade this year, because of COVID-19, but I keep thinking that I'd love to go again someday. :) (Preferably during a year when the weather is balmy versus subzero, lol.)  

This memory popped into mind after the usual Christmas season debate about photo cards erupted in one of the childless-not-by-choice communities where I hang out. People outside of North America apparently find the whole idea of photo cards generally bewildering, and (understandably) the annual onslaught of photos of happy families and adorable children is like rubbing salt in the wound of childlessness, particularly for people who are newly grieving the realization that the dream is over and this is permanent. A few made the comments along the lines of "nobody wants to see a photo of ME" and "people would think I'm crazy if I sent out a card with a photo of just myself/us, or of me/us & the dog." (You might be surprised... I've been getting more & more photo cards in recent years from my childless friends, both coupled & single. I love them!)

Anyway, that got me thinking about all the things we hesitate to do, or deny ourselves, or resent families doing, just because we're childless. When we're still planning our families or ttc, we think "oh, we'll do that when we have kids" (never imagining, in our innocence, that day might never come). And then, when we realize that we're not going to have those much-wanted kids, we find ourselves thinking, "I can't do that, I don't have kids," or "They'd think I'm nuts if I did that."  

I had another flashback to when I was first married. Everyone around us was getting video cameras & taking videos -- mostly of their kids, yes, but other things too. (This was 20 years before video & photo cameras started being combined, and then being included in your cellphones!)  I itched to get one for myself. There were so many times I wished I had one... but I kept putting it off. "We'll get one when we have kids," I'd tell myself.  

I mentioned this to a girlfriend once. "GET THE CAMERA," she told me (like, "Why are you waiting, if you want it that much?"). I still didn't, until I finally got a digital camera, about 15 years ago, that took video as well as photos. 

I think about the kiddie movies dh & I have gone to see -- "The Incredibles," the Minions movies. Yes, we were often the only adults there without at least one kid in tow, and the first few times we did it, we felt extremely self-conscious. But you know what? When the lights went down and the movie started, nobody could see that... and I daresay we enjoyed the movie just as much (if not more) than the parents who had to worry about taking kids to the bathroom and for popcorn refills. (Most of the best jokes in those movies go right over the kids' heads anyway!)  

I think about the poor neglected spare bedroom at our house in the suburbs... the one that was intended as the nursery. The entire time we lived there, it was a repository for dh's cheap, castoff student apartment furniture, piles of Christmas presents waiting to be wrapped, a storage spot for the vacuum cleaner & caddy full of cleaning supplies, etc. Even after I realized it was never going to be a nursery, I kept thinking we should buy some nice(r) furniture and linens/curtains and fix it up properly as a spare bedroom. I did buy a new bedspread/comforter for the bed, but that was about it  We haven't lived there for almost five years now, but I still regret that we didn't do something better/nicer with that room while we lived there. It was almost like I was kind of subconsciously punishing myself -- I didn't deserve to have nice things, because I had failed in my original mission of filling that room with babies and baby things. 

I think about the wedding china that sits in the cupboard waiting for a "special occasion" and never gets used. Or the bath salts that a friend gives you that remain unopened because they're just too nice to use for everyday. 

Life is short -- if this past year has taught us anything, I think that would be it. The years go by way too quickly. 

So go to the Santa Claus parade. (Go get your photo taken with him! -- when that's allowed again...!) Send photo cards. Go to the kiddie movie you're secretly dying to see. Go to Disney World, or your local amusement park, and ride the roller coaster. Do something nice with that "nursery."  Use that china, use those bath salts.

Don't think that you have to wait "until we have kids" -- or that you can't or shouldn't do something, just because you're childless. Don't let parents & families monopolize all the fun. (I firmly believe that Christmas is for everyone -- not just for kids, or for people with kids.)  "What will people think?"  Who cares?

We are worth it. 

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I've written about Christmas photo cards here and here, and Pamela had a great post about them some years back too (with a lively discussion in the comments section!).