- We had a lovely surprise on Wednesday night, when Parents' Neighbours' Daughter (PND), her husband and the Little Princesses (who are growing up quickly...!) dropped by on short notice for a brief (half-hour) unexpected visit! They were travelling (driving) en route home to Manitoba from his family's cottage in Quebec (they missed their annual vacation there last year because of covid). They normally take a different route there and back, but wanted to take the girls to a big amusement park in the area. Obviously, we haven't seen them since our last visit "home," which was Christmas 2019 (which is also the last time I saw my family). We took a group photo to send to my parents, lol.
- Speaking of cottages, dh's cousin & his wife have invited us, BIL & SIL, to their cottage, northeast of the city, for a weekend in mid-September. We have not really been anywhere that's "unnecessary" (aside from the gelato shop and a few non-essential stores, maybe), or spent time with anyone besides BIL & family, since the pandemic began (PND's brief unexpected visit excepted, lol). I'm looking forward to seeing them and spending time at a cottage (which I haven't done in years & years -- and theirs is NOT the "roughing it" sort of cottage/camping that I grew up with, at all, lol!) -- and it will be a lovely time of year to be there, with the autumn colours starting to show -- but I will admit I'm just a wee bit nervous, especially with case numbers on the rise again. However, everyone there will be double-vaxxed, and I trust this particular couple/family to be more cautious than some of dh's other cousins. ;) We all get along really well, so it should be a fun weekend. :)
- Another one of dh's cousins (also his godson) is getting married tomorrow. We're not invited. In normal times, we would have been -- but these are not normal times, of course, and so it's going to be a very small wedding with immediate family members only. It was already postponed once (originally scheduled for August 2020). With the Delta variant on the rise and the caterers asking for a head count, they had to bite the bullet and decide whether to postpone again, or go for a smaller wedding (and hopefully a bigger party with extended family later on). Another cousin put together a congratulatory video with clips of us and all of the other cousins voicing their best wishes, and his sister has promised to share photos throughout the day. Curse you, COVID...!
- I really loved this post from The Uterus Monologues, asking whether miscarriage is really such a taboo subject to talk about -- or whether people just aren't really listening to what we have to say. Hmmm....
- This article from the Guardian, about (in)fertility forums and how they can take over your life, brought back a LOT of memories...! (But -- taking another person's unused meds, without a doctor's supervision??! Yikes!!)(I was desperate, but never THAT desperate...)
- Another article, an opinion piece from The Scientist, asks why infertility is treated isn't treated as a disease.
- Heads up! There's a new childless-not-by-choice podcast making its debut tomorrow (Saturday, Aug. 21st). Stephanie Phillips of World Childless Week will be the very first guest on Cackle and Shout, hosted by Helen Louise Jones and Chiara Berardelli, both from the UK. Click on "Cackle and Shout" above for a brief preview! You can also find them on Instagram and Facebook.
- Seen in a friend's post on social media, about Afghanistan: "Now that I have a daughter, this just hits different." Sigh. #pronatalismatwork
Pages
▼
About "Now that I have a daughter, this just hits different." I don't think this is pronatalism. It's just a particular case of a universal way of thinking. We're highwired to react more intensely to what we recognise, aren't we. This happens all the time --when you break a leg, all of a sudden you see lots people in casts. When you have a miscarriage, you feel for the women who have a miscarriage too (more poignantly that you feel for women who lose a parent, for example). We just think/feel this way. Your friend is being honest when she says that it hits different --it does, because she has a daughter and relates when women/girls are in danger. I wouldn't call this pronatalism, just enhanced compassion/empathy.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, I'm sure my friend was being honest about her experience -- and I agree that experiencing something for ourselves may help us to see things differently. But -- you shouldn't need to be a parent to feel compassion and empathy -- and sometimes that's the unspoken message that we hear -- e.g., when parents say things like "as a mother, I..." and "I never knew love before I had a child." Let's just say that comments like these "just hit different" when you're living without the children you wanted, and rub salt in the wound. They're an example of pronatalist thinking, which bestows greater value on parents, simply because they are parents.
DeleteJody Day did a great podcast recently where she talked a lot about pronatalism. Here's a link:
https://gateway-women.com/if-youve-ever-wanted-to-have-a-productive-conversation-about-childlessness-with-your-friend-colleague-or-hr-director-and-found-it-too-hard-listen-to-this-brilliant-interview-by-doryn-wallach-it/
It’s an interesting issue isn’t it. Have you ever watched the series Babies on Netflix? I have only watched part of part 1, but the takeaway from what I saw was that the act of having a baby physically (giving birth) changes your body and brain biologically in some ways forever. The act of caring for a baby in a primary caregiver role (distinction important) changes your body and brain in some ways forever. These changes do not occur as a secondary caregiver (even as a biological father or mother) but DO occur even in a non-biological primary caregiver. One of the things that stuck with me was something they called the worry part of your brain. It’s unleashed and once it’s unleashed, you can’t rein it back again, due to some kind of hormonal effect. I remember watching it and being blown away, absolutely shocked, at some of the information and at the human body generally. It’s an interesting perspective in this overall topic generally.
ReplyDeleteIt’s an interesting issue isn’t it. Have you ever watched the series Babies on Netflix? I have only watched part of part 1, but the takeaway from what I saw was that the act of having a baby physically (giving birth) changes your body and brain biologically in some ways forever. The act of caring for a baby in a primary caregiver role (distinction important) changes your body and brain in some ways forever. These changes do not occur as a secondary caregiver (even as a biological father or mother) but DO occur even in a non-biological primary caregiver. One of the things that stuck with me was something they called the worry part of your brain. It’s unleashed and once it’s unleashed, you can’t rein it back again, due to some kind of hormonal effect. I remember watching it and being blown away, absolutely shocked, at some of the information and at the human body generally. It’s an interesting perspective in this overall topic generally.
ReplyDeleteHow lovely to have a pop-in visit from PND and her little ones! AND to get an invitation to a cottage. Having been away three or four times (twice on longer trips) here, I find it hard to imagine what it has been like for you. I hope you have a lovely time, get to breathe in some fresh air, and enjoy nature. Can't wait to see the pics!
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I'm sorry about the wedding. So many family events have been disrupted. We still haven't had any sort of funeral for my FIL. We'd been hoping at least one of his brothers would get back to NZ this year, but it's not looking possible.
For once, I'd actually read the articles you mentioned. Except maybe one. I think the whole "now that I have a daughter ..." comment is tonedeaf, actually. Yes, I understand that they are probably thinking of their own daughters in that situation. Which says to me, really, that they were not very empathetic before that. Had they never worried about women before? Oooh ... I'm starting to rant. I may have to stop and write about it on my own blog!
PS. I'm curious if your friend (who made the "now I have a daughter" comment) was a woman or a man?
ReplyDeleteIt was a woman.
DeleteI would have guessed otherwise! lol
Delete