Churches, community & childlessness

Jessica Grose, who writes about parenting, families and relationships for the New York Times, has recently been exploring why Americans are moving away from organized religion. The fifth and final installment in her series, published June 28th, is about "What Churches Offer That ‘Nones’ Still Long For" -- i.e., "the ready-made supportive community that churchgoers can access."  She points out that secular communities seldom offer the same level of support to their members that churches/temples/mosques can and often do. 

This is the passage that I found especially interesting (and relevant, as a childless woman)(boldfaced emphasis mine)(and while Canada is not quite as religious a society as the U.S. is, I think the same statements largely apply here too):  

As the authors of “The Great Dechurching: Who’s Leaving, Why Are They Going and What Will It Take to Bring Them Back?,” all of whom are pastors, write:

In our opinion, America is largely built for a specific type of person. If you belong to a nuclear family, graduate from college, and have children after marriage, America’s institutions tend to work better for you. If you get off that track (or never started on it), the U.S. is a more difficult place in which to thrive.

They go on to say that church culture can feel unwelcoming and even shaming to people who are struggling financially or have family structures outside of the model they describe. What’s more, they write:

Modern American churches are financially incentivized to target the wealthy and create a space where those on track feel comfortable. Biblical hospitality, though, is so much more than just throwing money at a problem, and the net result is that the average American church is not truly hospitable to the less fortunate, making them feel like outsiders in our midst.

Many readers who replied to my query mentioned leaving churches that rejected them during their divorces. Others talked about being constantly hit up for money they couldn’t afford to donate.

I’d like to see faith communities do a better job of including people who aren’t on that, if you will, ordained track. Not because I think people need to be religious to live good lives — I don’t believe that — but because almost everyone needs community to flourish. As the Harvard political scientist Robert Putnam, whom I spoke to for this series and who wrote “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community,” has been preaching for decades, increasing social isolation is bad for all of us.

As Carson Curtis, 36, who lives in Arizona, wrote about missing a general sense of community from attending church, “Being socially atomized is hard on the spirit.”

I've written on this blog about my own struggles with/ambivalence about religion and faith over the past 25 years, as I also grappled with pregnancy loss and permanent involuntary childlessness.  Dh & I have never been especially religious (especially in an organized religion/church sense), but we thought it was important for our children to have some grounding in basic religious/Biblical knowledge, and so we started going to church regularly when we started seriously thinking about starting a family.  And the church and its rituals did provide us with some comfort and kindness in the aftermath of our daughter's stillbirth.  

But as time went on, and the women who had been pregnant at the same time as me showed up in the pews with their adorable babies in tow -- and then a second, and sometimes a third! -- while I struggled with infertility treatments, it became harder and harder to face Sunday mornings. Churches can be wonderful, welcoming places with lots of programming and activities geared towards children and families -- but they're not so great when you don't fit that particular mold. (Some denominations/congregations, of course, are better/worse/more or less welcoming than others.)  I know I'm not the only infertile/childless woman who has felt this way!    

Of course, church isn't the only place where childless/free people can feel like the odd ones out. We're not plugged into those other communities/networks that parents have regular access to and take for granted -- kids' schools and parent/teacher organizations, their sports teams and other extracurricular activities. I see friends on Facebook regularly posting photos of themselves out for dinner with the "soccer moms" and "dance moms" that they've met and formed friendships with through their kids' activities. I have no such "mom friends" to socialize with, even on a superficial level. 

Since moving here seven years ago, I've sometimes mused about going back to church -- not so much because I'm feeling a spiritual void, but -- yes -- for the community aspects -- to meet people and make some connections, build my network a little. I haven't done it -- yet. I guess I like my lazy Sunday mornings too much...! But it's something I've considered. 

Grose is optimistic:  

After talking to readers searching for fresh answers to life’s eternal questions, I believe that there is potential for new kinds of meaningful, lasting communities to be created in the coming years that have nothing to do with organized religion as we know it. I’m eager to see what comes next, because I believe that out of this evolution, Americans can create something nurturing that is also suited to modern life.

Let's hope so...!