Making space for childless/free experiences & voices

I'm a paid subscriber to Anne Helen Petersen's Substack newsletter, "Culture Study" which, as the name suggests, tackles various subjects related to the culture around us.  She is childfree by choice, and sometimes touches on that in her writing, but she often covers parenting issues, because (of course) so many of her readers are parents.  A couple of times a week, she posts a discussion topic, and everyone jumps into the conversation in the comments. There are regular discussions about what we're reading/watching/listening to/cooking, and other recent topics have included divorce, being queer, favourite family photos (and why), and regional food delights. 

Imagine my surprise and delight when this past Friday (July 21st), the topic was "Your Childless Experience"!!  

Needless to say, my best-laid plans for the day went out the window, as I sat glued to my laptop, scrolling through all the comments (and I've read just about all of them too!).  As one commenter quipped, "Every Friday, you think you're going to get a lot done and then AHP releases an incredible thread topic and THERE GOES THE AFTERNOON." 

By the time I logged off that evening, there were more than 700 (!!) comments;  as of this morning, there are almost 900 (!).  Many of the commenters are childfree by choice, but almost every other conceivable aspect of the childless experience is covered:  infertility, pregnancy loss, ambivalence, lack of a partner, an unwilling partner, medical issues, concerns about climate change, and so on. Many expressed their gratitude to Petersen for making space for this topic (and for politely asking parents to refrain from commenting this time around: "There are lots of spaces for you!).  Many expressed their delight at realizing just how many other childless/free people were out there!  

Here's an excerpt from how Petersen set up the discussion. Needless to say, I love it!:  

We spend a lot of time thinking and talking and paying attention to parents in this newsletter. We do this because even though I am not a parent, a whole lot of people are, and the way they experience the world matters. The majority of adults *are* parents (although that percentage is decreasing every decade) and that experience of the world is often assumed to be the default. It shows up in the way organizations prioritize benefits, it inflects assumptions about eldercare, it’s ALL OVER political rhetoric. The imagined adult, the theoretical adult that society is built for….they’re a parent. 

And yet a whole lot of us are not parents! We are not the majority, but we exist, and our needs and rhythms and finances and ways of negotiating the world….they’re different. Some of us have consciously chosen not to have children, others are ambivalent or have found themselves in this situation without really realizing it, and some are desperate for children they cannot have for whatever reason. No matter how you found yourself here, I wanted to create some space here to talk about the experience of not having children in a society where the majority of people do. What’s hard? What rules? What’s weirder than you thought, what have you grown to appreciate, what scares you or delights you? 

I debated whether to post about this here, because you the conversation is private and you have to be a  (paid) subscriber to access it. The conversation itself is incredibly interesting and valuable -- but I thought the simple fact that she made space for it, and that it's been embraced so enthusiastically by her readers -- was fabulous and noteworthy in itself.  :)