Then he paused and said, "I guess Katie would be graduating right about now too." I had to think for a moment, and then check my datebook. Normally, I write on the first day of school each September what grade/university year our daughter would have been entering -- but I will admit I haven't mentally kept track as closely since the time she would have graduated from high school (we assume, but don't KNOW for sure, whether she would have attended college or university) -- and there's nothing entered for September 2020.
Then dh said, "Well, yeah, she would, because she would have been the same age as (the two cousins' sons)."
Ummm, yes -- yes, she would have. I was pregnant at the same time as both these moms... newly pregnant at the one's baby shower in early April 1998 (baby born later that month). The other boy was born in late September 1998; Katie was due in mid-November (but gone by early August).
How did I not remember this??!
I think I must have just blocked it out. I will admit that all the mournful mom talk on my social media feeds about "the Class of 2020" (the photo "challenges" -- ugh!) and all the year-end/leaving school rituals & celebrations their kids are missing out on (mostly referring to high schoolers, but some university students as well) made me a bit uncomfortable/irritable... but for whatever reason (self-preservation??) I just did not connect it with our daughter and what she would (theoretically -- although both her dad & I agree, she would have gone to university) have been doing.
Bad, bad Mommy! :(
(Of course, her father also believes that she would have been a genius and had her PhD by now...!) ;)
(I suppose she could have been off to graduate school this fall...??)
You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.
Oh, Loribeth, please be gentle with yourself. No WAY you could ever be considered a bad Mommy. There is nothing to be gained by put yourself in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
ReplyDeleteJust sending you love at a difficult time of year (Mother's Day, at least here in the US, time of life (graduation), and time in general (Covid and the uptick in online living). xoxo to a very good person in all ways.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Lori. <3 I'm just kind of floored that I just never made the connection, AT ALL.
DeleteIn no way are you a bad mother. Part of healing, for me at least, is not being aware of every date, every milestone that my missing girls should celebrate. It doesn't mean that I love them any less. It doesn't mean (I hope) that I'm a bad mother. It means that they're so much a part of me and my love that I don't have to ascribe specific dates or milestones to them.
ReplyDeleteIf those who are gone can know love, I'm sure from your writing that Katie knows your love, and that alone makes you a wonderful mother.
You are NOT a bad Mommy. I think about Katie often, and that is due to your gift as her memory keeper. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDelete