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Thursday, April 27, 2023

Isn't it ironic?

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but struggling to figure out just how much I can write without telling stories and revealing too many details that are not really mine to share. And yet it's also very much my/our story too, because we are also affected, in multiple ways. And I wanted to write about it here because, in some ways, the things dh & I are feeling are intertwined with/exacerbated by our childlessness.  

I've mentioned/hinted in various posts that my brother-in-law -- dh's younger brother and only sibling -- has been experiencing some serious health problems over the past year & a half. His condition has deteriorated significantly since the new year began -- and he's not going to get better unless and until he has a major surgical procedure, which may or may not work (and we don't like to think about "may not"). There is a waiting list involved -- so we don't know when or how this is all going to unfold. (That's about as specific as I think I can get here.)  It's been impossible for him to continue working, so earlier this year, he went on disability (and thankfully, his company has been extremely supportive). 

Almost exactly 10 years ago this month, dh lost his job, and wound up taking early retirement. (The same thing happened to me a little more than a year later.)  And 7 years ago this month, we sold the house where we'd been living for the past 26 years (where we thought we'd be raising our family) and downsized to the condo where we now live, 10 minutes away from dh's brother and his family (and closer to a few other extended family members too). There were several reasons why we made the decision to move, and to move when and where we did, but one of the main ones was that dh wanted to be closer to his brother and our nephews. He pointed out that they would be better able to support us and help us out as we age from there vs where we'd been living (true) -- and while I'm still not wild about this community itself, I do love our condo, and it has been nice to be near family, especially as our two nephews got married and started their own families. 

We helped out with organizing their weddings & showers, etc., bought them stuff they needed for their new homes and new babies, have hunted down and delivered baby formula and children's Tylenol when there have been shortages, etc.  For the past two years, SIL has been the main caregiver for their grandson (our Little Great-Nephew) while the parents are at work (while juggling her own part-time job), and we've gone over there at least once a week to spend time with him (and get him out of her hair for a while, lol) and stayed with him when she had appointments, etc.  We've been there for all of them in many other ways over the past 7 years too. 

Since BIL's health problems emerged, we've been called on to help out more than ever.  Dh speaks with his brother on the phone at least once a day, and has been doing his best to cheer him up and keep up his spirits. More than once, he's dropped everything, got in the car and gone over to see BIL when he's been feeling down or wants his help with a specific task or just wants his big brother there to talk to. Even on days when BIL is feeling relatively good (and maybe especially on those days!), he's calling two, three, four, five times a day: he's not used to just sitting around the house, and he is BORED. (Plus, I think he gets a kick out of bugging his brother, lol. Even now that they're both in their 60s...!)(Covid lockdown periods were a nightmare for him.)  

Dh has been taking BIL to some of his appointments, and we've been staying with LGN when my SIL goes with him. He usually has at least one appointment during the week, often more, and sometimes they're gone for almost the entire day. We adore LGN, and he's really no trouble at all (and he will be starting pre-school in the fall, so we won't be seeing as much of him after that  :(  ) -- but he IS a very active 3-year-old! (lol) and we ARE in our 60s, and NOT used to being around small children for that long!  

Anyway -- I'm finding it a little ironic/funny that although we moved here with the idea that they could support us as we aged -- part of our "ageing without children" strategy -- and they HAVE been there for us, especially when we first moved here and were finding our way around, etc. -- WE are the ones who have been supporting them!  They are very, very appreciative, and they are really, really good about including us in things -- and I'm pretty sure that someday, they will do the same for us -- but right now the balance is definitely in their favour. Funny/strange how life works out sometimes...!  

But -- (confession time) -- I'm also just a wee bit... irritated? sometimes:  I sense there's an underlying assumption that, well, OF COURSE we will do [whatever needs to be done -- and of course we will...!], because hey! we're retired AND we're childless!! -- it's not like we have anything better to do, right?? (These are my feelings, not dh's.) I especially find myself shaking my head when BIL calls on dh to help him with things like yardwork and moving furniture, etc., because he (BIL) "doesn't want to bother" his sons/our nephews -- both of whom are bigger, stronger and 30+ years younger than my husband! 

I worry about my sister-in-law, who is closest to the situation and who has been through a lot of loss and stress over the past several years. And I worry about my husband, and how this is affecting him too.  At one point recently, he said to me glumly, "I'm going to be the last one left" -- meaning, the lone survivor from his family of origin. :(   I know that, whatever happens to BIL, people will rally around my SIL and our nephews. (They're already doing it.)  But I'm worried that dh, and his own very real need for support, will be overlooked. (I kind of feel like it's being overlooked now.)  Everyone in the extended family adores BIL and has been expressing their concern and support for him & SIL (and sometimes calling dh for updates, rather than bothering SIL).  Dh has said -- only half jokingly -- that if it was him in the same situation, people would be saying, "Well, it's been nice knowing you..." (!)  Like many men, he doesn't have a very extensive social network -- his brother is his best friend (besides me). He grew up close to several of his cousins, but he's one of the oldest in the extended family, and of course most of them are still working and busy with their kids and their own aging parents and in-laws, etc. 

I'm really glad we're here and able to help out as much as we've been doing. And if there's one thing I've learned over the past 25 years, it's to expect the unexpected -- that life rarely unfolds exactly the way we think it will.

But I can't help but thinking that (much like the pandemic!) this is really NOT what I pictured I'd be doing in retirement...!  

(I always did like this video... although I recognize that Alanis's definition of "ironic" here is not entirely correct...!)  


5 comments:

  1. I completely get this. Especially the sentiment "this is really NOT what I pictured I'd be doing in retirement...!" And I'm glad you felt you could write it here. I complained enough about the ones being left to care for my elderly in-laws - partly due to proximity, but also due to the fact that, being childless, we "had nothing better to do." It's that feeling of being useful, but wondering if you are valued, and whether you will see any reciprocity on the horizon.
    Can I make a suggestion? Does DH have any interests, anything he'd like to explore, to get out and have even a little time to himself, rather than feeling he's at his brother's beck and call? My DH had golf - he's not good at it, but has fun with his mates - and it was somewhere to relax and think about something else, between multiple visits a week, sometimes several times a day when he was being taxi-driver, to help out his parents. (One hour round trip, so it wasn't easy just to "pop over.") We got to feeling that we couldn't plan anything ourselves in case they needed us, and fitting in some "us" time (doing something fun, not sitting at home) was really difficult. It's very frustrating. And yet you're glad you can be helpful. But still slightly resentful that it's all on you.
    Also, at least my DH could say, "not today, I'll do it tomorrow" if it wasn't urgent. Saying "no" becomes really important.
    And I feel for DH feeling as if he will be left "relatively" alone.
    Sending hugs to you both.

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    1. Suggestions always welcomed! :) (Especially from you! :) ) He used to enjoy the occasional game of golf (my parents & I bought him a very nice set of clubs for his 40th birthday), but there's no one around nearby to play with, and it's VERY expensive hereabouts. He used to talk about going back to school, taking some classes (if not going for another degree altogether), but he hasn't mentioned that in quite a while now.

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  2. The lack of reciprocation is a common theme in social interactions among people who are childless not-by-choice. I can see how your current situation can bring this feeling to the forefront again. Of course you want to help and are glad to be able to help, and of course you wonder in the back of your mind if your efforts will be reciprocated when needed.

    Have you ever explicitly stated to your relatives that you and your husband moved to be closer to family? That you are happy to help and that you also hope to receive help when you need it? Maybe there's a way to say that to your nephews and their wives. I say this because I am learning I need to communicate my expectations to people instead of assuming they know them. Just an idea. Take it or leave it. :)

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    1. Yes, they know that one of the reasons we moved here was to be closer to them, especially as we got older. I'm not entirely sure the nephews are fully clued in to exactly what that might entail. You're right -- we may have to drop a few not-so-subtle hints in the future, just to be sure...!

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  3. I understand your thoughts on this. It IS ironic that you have become caretakers to the degree you have, by turn of events, when the reason for some of the decisions you've made was to be caretakEN. Perhaps it's all a matter of timing. I'm in no rush to be the one taken care of, though I know (hypothetically because it doesn't actually seem real) the day will come. Thinking of your BIL and SIL and what they are facing. As well as you and dh as you deal with what's being asked of you. Hard stuff.

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