"Without Children" by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington

I've been hearing the buzz for a while now about a new book:  "Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother" by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington. I'm always up for a good read about childlessness (and it's been a while since my last one), so I downloaded an e-copy the same day it was published this month, and started reading.  

As the subtitle suggests, this book takes an historical perspective on the subject -- but it's far from dry or boring. It covers a broad range of reasons why, throughout history, women have not had children (as set out in the table of contents):  environmental/ecological reasons, simply not wanting children, not being able to have children (infertility), prioritizing other things (career), and so on. 

There were some fascinating stories and examples here of women without children -- some I knew about and others I did not.  There were some great points throughout, well made. I was especially fascinated by the chapters on environmental reasons and the childfree by choice movement, and by some of the complex alliances and rivalries among the various associated factions and groups described. The chapter on "because we can't" (infertility) was very well done. 

And then... My one reservation about the book comes in the conclusion. The author makes a valid case that a huge reason why fewer people are having children is that modern society makes parenthood a very difficult proposition. She ends with a plea for compassion, community and greater understanding between parents and those without children:   

The years I spent writing this book have softened me, especially towards the mothers and parents in my life.  I originally wanted to write about the value and accomplishments of women without children in part because I wanted us to get more credit. I was someone who would get annoyed, even angry, at the things that fall onto people without kids, women in particular, especially, at work....  Not having children, I'll admit to thinking, bitterly and more than once, doesn't mean I'm not busy, or tired, or that I don't have anything important to do.  But as I researched and wrote, as I watched parents around me struggle, I realized this kind of thinking is not just ungenerous and unkind, though it certainly is both of those thing. It is also dangerous... 

While I agree with her that meaningful support for parents is sadly lacking (especially in the United States), and that there's a huge need for greater compassion and community all round, I couldn't help but feel just a little let down. While she threw in a couple of sentences about how parents need to care about their neighbours and let us have "a real role in the responsibilities and joys that come with having children," and that people with children need to stop telling their childless friends "You'll never understand" -- the message I got was still very much that those of us without children need to support the parents in our lives (which many of us do already) -- the flipside, maybe not so much. I admire her generosity of spirit, but I must admit that it's not something I always find easy to imitate or accept, because in my personal experience (as well as those of others I know), there's often a lack of reciprocity when it comes to relationships with parents.  And it's hard to always be the ones doing -- and expected to do -- all the giving.  

I was left feeling rather deflated, after an otherwise exhilarating trip through childless/free history -- and for that reason, I could not give this book a 5-star rating. 

Nevertheless, it's a great book, so far as it goes, and worth a read if you have any interest in this subject!  

4 stars on Goodreads 

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Other bloggers' reviews of this book:  

• " "Without Children" Book Review" (Finding a Different Path) 
• "New Book Shows Us Childlessness is Nothing New" (Childless by Marriage) 

Excerpts from this book have appeared in several publications, and Heffington recently wrote an opinion piece for The Globe & Mail:  "Policies that make it easier to be a parent won’t actually help people become parents." It's more about parenting and the lack of supportive policies such as affordable day care and parental leave than about childlessness -- and it makes the point that even countries with supportive policies (or at least MORE supportive policies than in the U.S., such as Canada, France and Sweden) have declining fertility rates. But towards the end, there's this thought (which I definitely do agree with!): 

It’s time to stop thinking about falling fertility and people without children as a problem. As the sociologist Philip Cohen suggested in The New York Times in 2021, rather than trying to “fix” our fertility rate, there is a better, possibly more effective option that is also definitely more morally sound: “create conditions that allow people to control their fertility, and have children if they want to.” What if we stopped asking how to get more people to have more babies, and instead started asking how we could truly value and care for the ones we are having – and the ones we already have?

There's another recently published book on life without children: "Women Without Kids" by Ruby Warrington. It will be interesting to see how it compares to this one...! 

This was Book #17 read to date in 2023 (and Book #4 finished in April), bringing me to 38% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."