Friday odds & ends

• Lyz Lenz recently asked her "Men Yell at Me" readers "What do you think about having children?" To date, there have been almost 270 responses! Lyz's introduction to the topic:  

There is a lot of conversation in our culture about children and parenting, specifically the role of women who choose not to have children. Recently, Glynnis MacNicol wrote an op-ed for the NYT about the role she plays in the lives of the children of her friends. And it has me thinking about community, gender roles, expectations, and the declining birth rate.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about having or not having kids. Do you have them? Would you change anything? It is a dicey topic that sits at the fraught intersection of pain, grief, loss, politics, choice, coercion, and so much more. So, please keep your thoughts personal. No language like “people who do have kids are selfish” and vice versa.  

 

The discussion is for paid subscribers only, but I can tell you about some of the common themes.  

• Lyz's readers are generally a pretty thoughtful bunch. Even so, I was (pleasantly) surprised by the overall tone and variety of situations mentioned in the discussion.    
• There were a few parents who knew they always wanted kids, had a bunch, wouldn't trade, best thing I've ever done, looking forward to being a grandparent, etc. etc.  
• But even among the parents, there were tales of ambivalence, of not being able to have as many children as they had wanted -- or realizing that maybe one was enough -- and recognition/acknowledgement that parenthood is not for everyone and should not be imposed on anyone who really doesn't want it.  (Also, not a lot of fans of "mom culture.")  
• A surprising (to me) number of people who identified as non-parents, for a wide variety of reasons (related to both choice and circumstance).   
• There were also several comments pointing out that it's perfectly fine not to have children -- period.  Sample comment in this vein: 

I'd like it to be normalized that people who don't have kids don't immediately have to do the "but I love kids and I'm the fun auntie/uncle and I do a lot of good stuff in my community" routine. 

 

It's okay to have kids. It's fine not to. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you automatically add value to the community you live in, and just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you automatically are a deficit to the community.

• Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax published a letter recently from a reader whose young daughter is being lavished with extravagant gifts of designer clothing from her elderly great-aunt. As an indulgent great-auntie myself who loves to shop for clothes for them (something I never could have envisioned, 25 years ago!), I can relate ;)  and I loved Carolyn's advice. 
• From the New York Times (gift link):  "The Politics of Motherhood Become a Campaign-Trail Cudgel." (Subhead:  The presidential race has exposed a fault line in American political culture over the deeply personal decision to have children.) 
• A personal essay in the Globe & Mail:  "Selena Gomez’s openness about her struggles with infertility help me talk about my own." (As always, beware the comments!)  Sample passage: 

The added element of shame that infertility carries can often make people hesitant to talk about it. In fact, I am hesitant writing this piece for the world – and so many people in my life – to discover this about me.

“Many people with infertility feel like they’re less valuable as a person because they can’t do what seems like a very basic human thing, which is to procreate,” says Jennifer Gordon, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Regina and director of the Reproductive Mental Health Research Unit. “People with infertility are also often bombarded by unhelpful advice or judgmental comments from others when they share.” [Note from Loribeth:  That's the understatement of the year, isn't it??] 

• A few weeks ago, I mentioned a presentation by Ali Hall on Medium Day titled "Why It's Important to Make Space for the Childless and Childfree." She's turned her remarks into a written post for both Medium and Substack, including a link to the video of her talk. Well worth reading and/or watching! (Ali is childfree by choice, but I find her pretty inclusive of the childless not by choice.) 
• Ruth Ben-Ghiat, who writes about threats to democracy in her Substack, Lucid, explains the roots of certain politicians' current obsession with childlessness and population management. (It's not pretty.)   
• From Jennie Agg at Life, Almost:  "Is taboo the right word any more?"  (Subhead: "What we don't talk about when we talk about miscarriage.")  Sample passage: 

There is, perhaps, an illusion of increasing openness that doesn’t match up to the way miscarriage is actually experienced. Stories of miscarriage tend to be told only in certain spaces, from a certain angle, from certain kinds of people. What’s more, talking about miscarriage is often presented as a self-contained solution, rather than one small part in bringing about actual improvements to medical care or any deeper, scientific understanding of this part of the human experience.

and 

If women continue to express shock, pain, and loneliness in response to what is widely acknowledged to be commonplace, that should be a red-light warning that something’s wrong with the system. It suggests that there is a gap between what people feel and need after a miscarriage and what society allows for...  what we are really saying – what we really mean when we call miscarriage a taboo – is: nothing has changed. You’re not listening to me.