Odds & ends

(Just some!! of the) Stuff I've been reading lately:  

• From the Globe & Mail (which bills itself as "Canada's national newspaper"): "An empty bird’s nest always leaves me melancholy."  (The print copy headline reads: "For many years I hoped and tried.")  Gorgeously written. (The author, Susan, & I have had coffee together and hope to meet up again soon!)  
• I had no idea who Anna Marie Tendler was -- although, once I read the Washington Post's review of her memoir, "Men Have Called Her Crazy," I recognized the name of her ex-husband (comedian John Mulaney -- as well as Olivia Munn, the actress he left Tendler for). What piqued my interest, though, was this telling detail (ouch!):  

A chapter about the death of her beloved dog is heart-rending, though. So is a chapter about freezing her eggs, especially for those who, again, know the context: Mulaney’s numerous jokes over the years about not wanting children, and the fact that he now has one with the woman he left Tendler for.

• (On the other hand, there's this...)  I wound up taking out a free 7-day trial subscription to Amanda Montei's Substack "Mad Woman," just so I could read the full text of the post titled "'Mothers' Instinct' and the horror of maternal desperation" (Subhead:  "The supposedly primal need women have for children is everywhere.")  
• (I already have a free subscription, and will likely cancel the free trial before my credit card gets charged... there are only so many paid subscriptions, for Substack and other things, that my budget can take...!) 
• The post analyzes a new film called "Mothers' Instinct" -- and the hoary old trope that the lack of a child drives women mad, that some women are so desperate for a child that they will resort to kidnapping, murder and other lurid crimes. (I know these things DO occasionally happen, but to apply that logic to all childless women is incredibly insulting.)  A couple of excerpts: 

...the film betrays two persistent and familiar fantasies: that mothers without children go insane; and that in their desperation for a child to control, women will stop at nothing.

...The mother-hungry woman is a common trope in psychological thrillers. We see this brand of horror a lot: the monstrous mother driven to madness by her insatiable thirst for a child— any child...  a kind of any-kid-will-do primal hunger that causes auto- and instinctual insanity in any woman who can’t get her motherhood dream fulfilled, or has it ripped from her too soon...

I could not help but think of the stories we’ve been hearing lately on the national stage. It’s that pervasive belief again: that women need motherhood not just to make their lives worthwhile, but to stabilize their moods.

And with the belief that without a child every woman goes mad, of course, comes more: the idea that women need children, need family, need men, to contain them, make them good, give them some target for all that wild animal energy. Even if their love for their child is destined to be a little pathological.

• Ali Hall -- whose work I have been reading on Medium -- has started a Substack, "Life Without Children." She's childfree by choice but consistently includes the CNBC perspective as well.  Her most recent post is "The Modern-Day Twist on “The Village” To Promote Equitability for All" (Subhead:  "Regardless of our parental or relationship status, we all need our village.") Hear, hear!! 
• Sample passage (emphasis the author's): 

There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.

This sense of entitlement is missing the whole point of “The Village.” For a village to function, it requires us all to be active members as soon as we can comprehend the workings of a community.

It takes time to build communities. They are an investment of love and support. A conglomerate of skills and interests. Expecting a village to present itself on command indicates a lack of personal contribution. I can’t help but wonder whether those who shout the loudest for a village have ever served as a villager.

If we want the benefits of a village, we must also be a villager.

• Ali Hall was also one of the speakers on Medium Day (Aug. 17th), and I reserved a "ticket" to her 30-minute Zoom session that morning, titled "Making Space for the Childless and Childfree."  (I am not sure whether those presentations are available to watch somewhere, but if you can find it, it's definitely worth seeing!) She spoke for about 15 minutes and then answered questions from viewers in the chat for another 15 -- but in those few minutes, she delivered a LOT of great messages!   
• "A truth of crones:" In her Substack "Gateway Elderwomen," Jody Day shares a linked list of other Substackers writing about the elderwomen experience, most of them also "NoMo Crones" (older women without children). 
• Phil Donahue died this week at age 88. He revolutionized the American TV talk show, considered himself a feminist, and was married to feminist icon, actress Marlo Thomas (who does not have children). I remember my mother watching his show every morning she was at home, when I was in high school. (I watched too, when I was home sick from school, or during summer holidays.)  I enjoyed this Salon article: "Phil Donahue showed how feminism and open-mindedness are crucial for democracy." 
• Kate Cox, the Texas woman who was denied an abortion (and had to go out of state to get one) after the fetus she was carrying was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, announced during the ceremonial roll call at the Democratic National Convention this week, that she is five months pregnant again and due in January.  Normally, I cringe at these sorts of public pregnancy announcements -- but I'll admit my eyes filled with happy tears for her! 
• This recent article in the Toronto Star, about Kamala Harris's teenaged years in Montreal (and how little she has to say about it), reminded me of my review of her book a couple of years ago (and one of my chief complaints about the book, lol).  Love the conclusion, lol:  

...we Canadians will harbour no hurt feelings about the strategic amnesia surrounding her Montreal years. But this we know whether or not she admits it: this woman who may soon occupy the Oval Office has a nice little sliver of Canada lodged deep in her soul.

We just won’t tell anyone.

• U.S. vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance's recent (ridiculous) comments -- about how the purpose of a post-menopausal woman is to help care for her grandchildren (!!!) -- spawned some hilarious comeback comments, posts and memes on social media. It also earned him a "Dingus of the Week" mention from Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell At Me." Lyz (single divorced mother of two children) added this thought at the end of the post, and I wanted to share at least part of it with  you here:  :)  (We need more Lyzs in the world, don't we??) 

So much of the discourse this week has involved weighing in on people’s choices to have children and dividing the world into the selfless parents and the selfish childless. So, I want to take a moment to say how much I value my friends who do not have children. I love them not because of the care work they do for me, but because they are delightful humans. But I would not be honest if I said I didn’t rely on their advice, insight, and kindness... 

So much of my life as a single mom who lives far away from family has meant building a new kind of community for myself, one that is bigger and wider and brighter and more spacious than the world I had before. And being able to have a night out with friends, who include my kids, and delight in them. Well, it means everything.

I don’t understand these small mean little worlds that are built to exclude rather than include...

So this week, I’m drinking Shirley Temples and toasting to all my friends without children. I’d be lost without you.

(Some appreciative remarks in the comments from childless and childfree people, as well as some kind affirmative remarks from other parents.)   

•  And speaking of Vance (although -- do we really have to??), I'm still laughing (BAHAHAHAHA!!)  over this satirical post from Charlotte Clymer:  "Are Childless Males Hurting America?"  ;)  (Definitely worth a read!!)