Voldemort Day odds & ends

It's been a while, and a pile of odds & ends have been accumulating in my drafts folder!  

• There was an extensive article in the Toronto Star recently on communal living -- a subject of interest for many CNBCers (especially those without partners) -- with a particular focus on the "Golden Girls" model, profiling four senior women living together in London (Ontario).  It discusses the pros & cons of such arrangements, and the move to enact legislation to support them. 
• I was tickled that the article actually mentions that "By 2036, nearly a quarter of Canadians are expected to be 65 or older. Many do not have children to support them in their senior years..." 
• Within that article, there's a link to another story from a few weeks ago that I hadn't seen, about a new documentary about solo aging. (The video is embedded in the story.) There are also links to some resources, including a mention of Ageing Without Children in the UK! 
• I haven't watched the documentary yet, and I don't know if it's viewable outside Canada, but here's a link to the story, fyi. (For some reason, gift links were not offered?? -- hopefully this will work regardless...)  
• Also from the Toronto Star: the stuff of nightmares for fertility patients: "Disturbing errors at Ontario fertility clinics destroy couples’ baby dreams years after province abandoned oversight plans." 
• Sample quote:  "...the person cleaning your teeth or giving you a massage is more highly regulated than the person looking after your embryos."
• Not a new subject, but well written: from Life Without Children, Nadia Huq observes "If I Was in a Hollywood Movie, I’d Be Dead." (Subhead: "Where are the happy endings for single women without kids?")   

Suddenly, everyone is talking about pronatalism (and pushing back on it too)(albeit not necessarily from a childless perspective). Just a couple of relevant articles: 

• From the New York Times: "White House Assesses Ways to Persuade Women to Have More Children." (Pronatalism much?) 
• Beware the comments:  the ones I scanned contained a lot of childless/free-bashing by parents (and vice versa). Not good. :( 
• An excellent piece on this topic from Jill Filipovic (unfortunately, I think it's paywalled for subscribers). "Yes, America Should Make It Easier to Have Children." 
• The kicker is in the subhead:  "But the Trump administration doesn't want to help families. It wants to punish single women and childless people."  Yup. 
• Also related (and very much worth reading -- with an irresistible headline to boot...!), from Jessica Valenti at Abortion Every Day: "Bro-Natalists Are Ruining America." 
• Also related, from the Washington Post:  "You can’t bribe and shame your way to more babies." (Gift link.) 

And, a few for Voldemort Day (my pet name -- i.e., "The Day That Shall Not Be Named," lol):  

• Lisa Sibbett at The Auntie Bulletin and Ryan Rose Weaver of InTending talk about THAT day (both video & transcript available):  "There's No Card for This." Well worth a read!  
• From Y.L. Wolfe at On the Outside:  "A Tribute to the Childless Women Who Feel Invisible on Mother's Day." (Subhead:  "Your feelings and experiences matter, too.")  
• Mild rant:  I was at the bookstore recently and picked up a new title by Uzma Jalaluddin, with the promising title of "Detective Aunty." Always happy to see books about aunties! :)  
• Nevertheless -- while the cover description asks "who better to pry answers from unwilling suspects than a meddlesome aunty?" the title character, in fact, is not an "aunty" but a mother and grandmother, whose daughter is accused of murder. Maybe I'm missing something here, but why then isn't the title "Detective Grandma"??  
• And -- like mothers proclaiming themselves "childless" when they've dropped the kids off at Grandma's for the weekend, or "childless cat ladies" just because they own a cat and their kids are now all at college, why must mothers appropriate yet another title that doesn't quite describe their personal situation?? (I recognize that one can be a mother/grandmother AND an auntie, but still...!) 
• (I may still read the book, but still...!)  
• If you are interested in current events & U.S. politics with a historical perspective, Heather Cox Richardson's Substack, "Letters from an American" is an absolute must-read that I cannot recommend highly enough. On weekends, however, she often switches gears and posts about something else, sometimes just a gorgeous scenic photo. 
• Last night (in advance of That Day), she wrote about an older childfree friend who's influenced her life. It's a delight. :) May we all have a Mrs. A., in our life, and perhaps be that Mrs. A. for someone else!  
• This was written before Easter, not today -- and it has absolutely nothing to do with childlessness, pregnancy loss or infertility -- but it sure made me laugh!  Connie Schulz is such a fabulous writer!  If, like me, you grew up in the 1960s and 1970s, you will certainly enjoy "For Easter: A Tribute to Mom's Beehives." :)  

Not a #Microblog ;) : Odds & ends on Monday

• No #MicroblogMondays this week, per Mel. If there was, I think this post, or one of the points in it, would be it!  
• Watching the progress of Hurricane Milton towards Florida. One of dh's cousins has a vacation home there. -- Well, actually, a couple of cousins do, but this particular cousin is the one who has generously hosted us at his cottage every fall for the past few years. 
• In fact, they have been telling us ("us" includes BIL & SIL) that we need to go to Florida with them sometime -- and when we were at the cottage with them a few weeks ago, the wife found a great deal on flights for a week in early/mid-December. BIL & SIL jumped at the invitation.  Dh & I regretfully declined, primarily because it's awfully close to when we'll be heading west to see my elderly parents for Christmas. I know sooooo many people who have gotten sick recently (with covid, or otherwise) after travelling, and I just don't want to take the risk then.
• You can guess where this story is going. Their house is in the Tampa Bay area, a few blocks from the beach. They lost their lanai (enclosed porch/sunroom) during a previous hurricane a couple of years ago.  When I checked in with the cousin's wife last week (via text), she told me they'd had an estimated 5 to 7 feet of storm surge hit the house during Hurricane Helene, a week-plus ago. (Gulp.) (They hadn't been there yet to inspect the damage, but they have a property manager who gave them the news.)  The house was still structurally sound, but requires a total renovation, and all the furniture and other stuff they kept there has to be replaced. She was still optimistic they could go in December as planned (!)... but that was before Milton came along...!  
• Thinking of everyone in the storm's path.  Stay safe!  
• As someone who loves to read books (albeit I will admit I don't read as many of them as I did in my younger/pre-tech days), this (gift linked) article from the Atlantic gave me the heebie-jeebies...!  
• "Psst. Don't tell anyone, but we might get a female president."  (Gift link.) I'm three years older than Kamala Harris, and I found myself nodding as I read this part (something I'm not sure young women today fully appreciate):  

Sometimes I think, after 248 years of the United States and 45 men as president, what’s taking so long? And then I remember, it’s been essentially 12 minutes since women could take out our own damn credit cards.

The fact that we’re this close — and with a woman of color, no less, and all the extra sucking mud that involves — is miraculous.

When Harris was born, 60 years ago this month, women could not serve on a jury in all 50 states. They had to have a male relative sign a business loan. They had no legal recourse against sexual harassment or marital rape. There was no no-fault divorce. They could get the pill, but only if they were married. They could not get a legal abortion unless their lives were in danger, and they could be fired for getting pregnant. They could not be admitted to Harvard College or the U.S. Military Academy or join their local Rotary, Kiwanis or Lions Club. Among the Fortune 500 companies, there was not a single female CEO.

To get to the point where she might become the first female U.S. president, Harris first had to become the first female district attorney of San Francisco, the first female attorney general of California and the first female vice president of the United States.

• Tangentially related to the usual fare on this blog, I loved this article in the Toronto Star about growing efforts to identify and memorialize the people buried in unmarked, sometimes mass graves, so-called "Potter's Fields." (Sorry, no gift links available, but if you hit a paywall, I find that saving the article and then opening it in Pocket sometimes helps.) 
• Tangentially related to the above point:  often, especially in years gone by, unmarked/mass graves became the resting place of stillborn infants. The Children's Garden at Mount Pleasant Cemetery in Toronto memorializes these babies, the result of one bereaved mother's efforts to find out where her infant son was buried, 30 years earlier.  The pregnancy loss support group dh & I belonged to used to hold an annual "Walk to Remember" and dove release at the Children's Garden site during October/Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and Mary Smith, the mother who created the garden, almost always attended.  
• Here's an article that includes the story of Mary Smith and the Children's Garden. 
• And here's a 2008 blog post I wrote about the Walk to Remember and the Children's Garden. 
• (If it's not obvious, the memorial I mention at the end, "erected by the drummer of a very well-known, Toronto-based Canadian classic rock band, in memory of his 19-year-old daughter," refers to Neil Peart of Rush. And now, of course, he's gone too. :(  There is space on the monument for him;  I haven't been back there in years so I have no idea whether it's been updated or where if he is buried/his ashes are interred there -- if, of course, he's actually buried anywhere at all.)  
• Carolyn Hax, advice columnist in the Washington Post, recently published this doozy: "Husband has been lying for entire marriage about wanting kids." (Gift link.) I know this is not an entirely uncommon scenario (albeit it usually comes up before you've been married 8 years and together a lot longer than that). 
• Not too much later from Carolyn:  "Name they chose for baby they lost was just given to newborn niece."  (I personally know a few people this has happened to...!)  
• Ryan Rose Weaver interviewed Rebecca Little and Colleen Long, authors of the new book "I'm Sorry for My Loss," in her Substack, now called "In Tending."  
• "Both loss parents themselves... [they] had set out to write the definitive book on how pregnancy loss is viewed and experienced in America – and in their words, “Why we are so bad at it.” "
• The book includes 100 stories about perinatal grief -- including their own, and including Weaver's.   
• I wrote about this book when I first heard about it, here, and hope to read it very soon! -- seems very appropriate for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month!
• "Voters without kids are in the political spotlight – but they’re not all the same." The authors spoke at the Zoom call organized by the Alliance for Child-Free Voters in early September, which I wrote about here. 

It’s too soon to know whether child-free people can be thought of as a distinct voting bloc. But...  Given their size, growth, organization and liberal leanings, it may be time for American politicians to think more carefully about how child-free people fit in.

Friday odds & ends

• Lyz Lenz recently asked her "Men Yell at Me" readers "What do you think about having children?" To date, there have been almost 270 responses! Lyz's introduction to the topic:  

There is a lot of conversation in our culture about children and parenting, specifically the role of women who choose not to have children. Recently, Glynnis MacNicol wrote an op-ed for the NYT about the role she plays in the lives of the children of her friends. And it has me thinking about community, gender roles, expectations, and the declining birth rate.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about having or not having kids. Do you have them? Would you change anything? It is a dicey topic that sits at the fraught intersection of pain, grief, loss, politics, choice, coercion, and so much more. So, please keep your thoughts personal. No language like “people who do have kids are selfish” and vice versa.  

 

The discussion is for paid subscribers only, but I can tell you about some of the common themes.  

• Lyz's readers are generally a pretty thoughtful bunch. Even so, I was (pleasantly) surprised by the overall tone and variety of situations mentioned in the discussion.    
• There were a few parents who knew they always wanted kids, had a bunch, wouldn't trade, best thing I've ever done, looking forward to being a grandparent, etc. etc.  
• But even among the parents, there were tales of ambivalence, of not being able to have as many children as they had wanted -- or realizing that maybe one was enough -- and recognition/acknowledgement that parenthood is not for everyone and should not be imposed on anyone who really doesn't want it.  (Also, not a lot of fans of "mom culture.")  
• A surprising (to me) number of people who identified as non-parents, for a wide variety of reasons (related to both choice and circumstance).   
• There were also several comments pointing out that it's perfectly fine not to have children -- period.  Sample comment in this vein: 

I'd like it to be normalized that people who don't have kids don't immediately have to do the "but I love kids and I'm the fun auntie/uncle and I do a lot of good stuff in my community" routine. 

 

It's okay to have kids. It's fine not to. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you automatically add value to the community you live in, and just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you automatically are a deficit to the community.

• Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax published a letter recently from a reader whose young daughter is being lavished with extravagant gifts of designer clothing from her elderly great-aunt. As an indulgent great-auntie myself who loves to shop for clothes for them (something I never could have envisioned, 25 years ago!), I can relate ;)  and I loved Carolyn's advice. 
• From the New York Times (gift link):  "The Politics of Motherhood Become a Campaign-Trail Cudgel." (Subhead:  The presidential race has exposed a fault line in American political culture over the deeply personal decision to have children.) 
• A personal essay in the Globe & Mail:  "Selena Gomez’s openness about her struggles with infertility help me talk about my own." (As always, beware the comments!)  Sample passage: 

The added element of shame that infertility carries can often make people hesitant to talk about it. In fact, I am hesitant writing this piece for the world – and so many people in my life – to discover this about me.

“Many people with infertility feel like they’re less valuable as a person because they can’t do what seems like a very basic human thing, which is to procreate,” says Jennifer Gordon, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Regina and director of the Reproductive Mental Health Research Unit. “People with infertility are also often bombarded by unhelpful advice or judgmental comments from others when they share.” [Note from Loribeth:  That's the understatement of the year, isn't it??] 

• A few weeks ago, I mentioned a presentation by Ali Hall on Medium Day titled "Why It's Important to Make Space for the Childless and Childfree." She's turned her remarks into a written post for both Medium and Substack, including a link to the video of her talk. Well worth reading and/or watching! (Ali is childfree by choice, but I find her pretty inclusive of the childless not by choice.) 
• Ruth Ben-Ghiat, who writes about threats to democracy in her Substack, Lucid, explains the roots of certain politicians' current obsession with childlessness and population management. (It's not pretty.)   
• From Jennie Agg at Life, Almost:  "Is taboo the right word any more?"  (Subhead: "What we don't talk about when we talk about miscarriage.")  Sample passage: 

There is, perhaps, an illusion of increasing openness that doesn’t match up to the way miscarriage is actually experienced. Stories of miscarriage tend to be told only in certain spaces, from a certain angle, from certain kinds of people. What’s more, talking about miscarriage is often presented as a self-contained solution, rather than one small part in bringing about actual improvements to medical care or any deeper, scientific understanding of this part of the human experience.

and 

If women continue to express shock, pain, and loneliness in response to what is widely acknowledged to be commonplace, that should be a red-light warning that something’s wrong with the system. It suggests that there is a gap between what people feel and need after a miscarriage and what society allows for...  what we are really saying – what we really mean when we call miscarriage a taboo – is: nothing has changed. You’re not listening to me. 

Odds & ends for the weekend

• They're at it again (eyeroll):  introducing Donald Trump at a rally in Michigan, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Governor of Arkansas and Trump's former White House Press Secretary, took an apparent jab at Kamala Harris for not having (biological) children (New York Times gift-linked article)(do these guys ever learn??): 

“...my kids keep me humble,” Ms. Sanders said. Then, mispronouncing Vice President Kamala Harris’s name, she added, “Unfortunately, Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything keeping [her] humble.”

• Happily, the backlash to Sanders' comments was swift, from some Republicans as well as Democrats. Perhaps they're starting to realize that maybe it's not wise to keep insulting women (50% of the population) and childless people generally (20% and growing)??  
• Lyz Lenz dubbed Sanders "Dingus of the Week" and "The winner of the Aunt Lydia Award for Lady Misogyny" in her "Men Yell at Me" Substack.  
• The hosts of "The View" -- including Sanders's former co-worker, Alyssa Farah Griffin -- had a few things to say. (Entertainment Weekly) 
• From "The Cut" (possibly paywalled;  I find that sometimes saving to Pocket and opening it there will make it readable):  "Conservatives Really Can’t Handle Kamala Being a Stepmom."
• An earlier article from The Cut: "Does J.D. Vance Regret His ‘Childless Cat Lady’ Comments Yet?"
• Ruth Marcus wrote a scorching critique in the Washington Post: "Sarah Sanders’s crude swipes at Kamala Harris notch a new low for GOP," (Gift link, and worth a read!) 
• Also in the WaPo (by Aaron Blake, gift link): "The Trump campaign can’t quit ‘childless cat ladies’."

...there are lots of voters out there whom these kinds of comments could alienate. That’s not just the 22 million women between 20 and 39 who don’t have children, but also the many stepparents and stepchildren... A 2015 Pew Research Center study found that 16 percent of children live in blended families. The logical extension of Vance’s and now Sanders’s comments is that these people have less to offer the country and a lack of perspective and humility.

And it’s not as if people like childless cat ladies are voters Republicans can just write off; an Ipsos study released last week showed they are only slightly less Republican than voters overall.

• And, from Sarah at Afterward Honesty's Substack, "I'm Childless. Here's What Keeps ME Humble." 
• A couple more articles on the "childless cat ladies" theme, both from a couple of months ago, but worth a read: 
• From USA Today: "Kamala Harris, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston and when we reduce women to 'childless cat ladies'."
• From Forbes (!)(back in May, before the "childless cat lady" comments resurfaced):  "A Psychologist Debunks The ‘Crazy Cat Lady’ Myth." 
• From New York Magazine/Intelligencer:  "The Truth About the Right and IVF."  (Full of great lines!) 
• From ABC News (Australia): "Childlessness can cause a 'deep existential crisis'. What you say about it matters." 
• This one from the Guardian is relatable in SO many ways...!  "As our friends with kids become grandparents, it reignites the sadness of being childless not by choice." 
• Sample quote: "People who are childless not by choice know that as much as having children changes you, so does not being able to have children when you want them." 
• On a different topic altogether:  Lee Child interviewing Richard Osman in the Guardian is the conversation I didn't know I needed.  :)  Who knew that Osman envisioned the Thursday Murder Club character of Bogdan as "a suburban Sussex Reacher"??!  (I've never read Child, but I do know about Reacher.)  

Have a good weekend!  :)  

Plus ca change...

I didn't watch the Emmy Awards last Sunday night, but I've since seen the great clip of actress Candice Bergen recalling the run-in her famous character from the 1990s, Murphy Brown, had with then-Vice-President Dan Quayle when she became a single mother (gasp!!). "Oh, how far we've come!" she said wryly, to a huge reaction from the audience.  

“Today, a Republican candidate for vice president would never attack a woman for having kids. So as they say, my work here is done. Meow.”

This morning, I stumbled onto a Tracy Clark-Flory Substack essay that deftly connects the dots between "Murphy Brown," Dan Quayle, and the guy who wants to be his successor today: "A mockery of fathers." (Subheading: "Men like J.D. Vance hate ‘childless cat ladies' and single moms for the same reason: they challenge patriarchal values. Just ask Murphy Brown.")

It's been quite a while since I've seen "Murphy Brown," or those particular episodes (although I LOVED it, back in the day!) -- but thinking back, I remembered a detail that often gets overlooked when we talk about this storyline:  when Murphy tells the father -- her ex-husband, Jake Lowenstein -- that she's pregnant and she wants to have the baby, he essentially tells her that if she wants to do this, she's going to have to raise the baby alone, because he can't be there for them. In other words, if  Murphy is a single mother, it's in large part because the father declined to step up and play a part in raising their child. 

Likewise, the reason many women are childless is not because they didn't want a child, it's because they never found a suitable partner to have one with during their fertile years. Or the man they wound up with didn't want to have a child (or another child, if they already had children with a previous partner).  

So how is it that single motherhood and/or childlessness always winds up being the responsibility/fault of the woman?  

(I remember seeing a meme with men scolding women, "Have a baby!" Single motherhood, IVF, surrogacy... "No, not like THAT!") 

As the linked article above reminded me, the fictional character Murphy addressed Quayle's real-life remarks in the next-season opener. (She watches his remarks on TV from home while on maternity leave, clearly frazzled, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, hair askew, grubby clothes... "Glamorizing single motherhood?  Do I look glamorous, Frank??"  she asks her friend Frank Fontana, who's there at the time.) She interrupts her leave to return to the FYI show to deliver a rebuttal to Quayle, which ends: 

Perhaps it’s time for the vice president to expand his definition and recognize that, whether by choice or circumstance, families come in all shapes and sizes... What really defines a family is commitment, caring and love.

By timely coincidence, CNN will be revisiting the "Murphy Brown" kerfuffle on Sunday night in the first episode of its new series "TV on the Edge." 

*** *** *** 

(P.S.1:  I remember using "kerfuffle" in a conversation at work once, near the end of my career. One of my younger coworkers couldn't stop giggling. She'd never heard the expression before, and thought it was hilarious. It made me feel even older than I was already feeling at work at that point. Is it really that unusual/dated a word??)  

(P.S.2: Speaking of dated, if, like me, you well remember "Murphy Brown," I'd advise you don't read the comments on Tracy Clark-Flory's piece, unless you want to be treated to comments like "I was too young to remember this..." or "I was only 7 when this happened..." !!!)  

Odds & ends for the weekend

• We had a great time last weekend at dh's cousin's cottage with the cousin, his wife, BIL & SIL.  The weather did not exactly co-operate -- it was chilly and rainy for much of the time we were there -- but we three women were able to get out for walks both days we were there (up & down a lot of hills and inclines, which had me huffing & puffing -- but we went at a nice pace, and I survived...!).  We also spent time out on the deck for a few hotly contested games of cornhole!  
• Unfortunately, within days of our return, the joint where my left big toe meets the foot was sore and slightly red. Gout -- almost exactly three years since my first encounter with it (same spot).  I suspect alcohol was the trigger. I didn't drink THAT much while we were at the cottage -- 2 drinks on Friday, 3 on Saturday and none on Sunday (mostly white wine) -- but I guess that might have been enough...!  (Sigh...)  If it's not better in another day or so, I will call the dr. I still have some naproxen left over from the first/last time I had it, but I suspect it might not be effective after 3 years, so I'm just taking ibuprofen for now. 
• Dh & I got out on the balcony this week and WASHED THE WINDOWS!!  It really didn't take us very long -- about an hour -- and it makes SUCH a difference!!  I like to do it around the same time the professionals wash the outside windows on the rest of the building (they won't come onto our balconies; those windows are up to us), but they didn't come this year until just before we left to visit my parents in mid-July, and since we got back, either the weather has not been cooperative or we've been busy.  
• I got a follow-up email today from the organizers of Monday night's Zoom call, sponsored by the new Alliance for Child-Free Voters (which I wrote about here and here). It included a link to the video recording of the call, and a list of resources (most of them childfree-focused).  
• If you're interested in watching the Zoom call, it's about 90 minutes long. Here's the link! 
• I responded to the email, thanking the organizers -- and then asking, nicely (I hope?), that they please, please, please consider including some speakers from the childLESS (not by choice) community on any future calls. I suggested a few names & provided a few links.  
• And I actually got a very nice email back, thanking me!  We'll see what happens! 
• Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with some local CNBC ladies -- all of us members of the private online Childless Collective community -- as well as one who's visiting the city from Washington State. I've only met one of these women before, and I'm looking forward to it! 
• Two GREAT pieces from Helen Lewis in the Atlantic re: J.D. Vance, childless cat ladies, and the most famous childless cat lady of all. ;)  (Gift links;  good for 14 days from today's date.) 
• "J. D. Vance’s Very Weird Views About Women"  
• "Taylor Swift’s Three-Word Burn of J. D. Vance" 
• From the Washington Post:  "Forget Trump’s IVF promises. The GOP’s record shows contempt for fertility care." (Subhead:  "As always, pay more attention to what politicians do than to what they say.") (Gift link.)
• Egg showers, anyone?? (New York Times article -- gift link.)(Now I've heard of everything...!)
• Glynnis MacNicol in the New York Times (gift link):  "I Love the Kids in My Life. And I’m Raising None of Them."  Excerpt: 

In America, there is a persistent, pernicious belief that the only way to be invested in a child’s life is to be a parent — and, for women, to give birth to that child. (Ella and Cole Emhoff, among others, would like a word.) In a country that offers so little support to parents, this often feels like a not-so-covert argument for taking women back to a time when they lacked control over their bodies and their finances.

Recently, the Pew Research Center reported that 64 percent of women under 50 who don’t have children say they “just don’t want to.” This has contributed to another round of hand-wringing about birthrates and childless cat ladies. What the seemingly inexhaustible discussion around this topic leaves out is that many people who say they don’t want to birth or parent children do have children in their lives — other people’s. We rarely account for that, nor do we give full weight to the fulfillment these relationships provide...

It’s difficult to understand why we are so parsimonious with our ideas of both a child’s capacity to love and an adult’s capacity to love children she is not parenting. Of course children benefit from being loved — the more, the better. But the reverse is also true. 

• And finally, a reminder that World Childless Week starts Monday! -- and Michael Hughes (of the Full Stop podcast) and I will be kicking things off with an early-morning (in North America, anyway! lol) Zoom webinar: "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?"  Hope to see some of you there!  (And if you're not an early riser, a recording will be available later on the WCW website and YouTube channel!)  Details and sign-up link in this previous blog post. 

Childless/free Seneca Falls?

Monday night, I watched the first-ever Zoom call organized by the new Alliance of Child-Free Voters (which I mentioned in a previous post) -- and I took lots of notes! 

The 90-minute call was recorded, and will be sent to everyone who registered, along with a poll/survey, relevant links, etc. (still to come). The host said she would also be sending the video to every politician in Washington D.C., as well as the state legislatures (yes!!). If/when I get a public link, I'll share it here.  

A couple of general observations from me:  While the invitation was inclusive to all non-parents, the call was almost entirely from the child-free (by choice) perspective. There were 10 speakers (including the host). All but two (who were parent allies) were from the childfree community. It would have been nice if childless people -- those of us who wanted/expected to have children but didn't, for many different reasons -- got more of a mention than we did. Still, we do share a LOT of the same concerns -- and the fact that we were having a call like this at all was certainly something to be excited about! Near the end of the session, the host called it "the Seneca Falls convention for childfree people," and it had that feeling, that this could be the start of something bigger.  

As the call progressed, I made a note to myself: "consciousness raising."  In the 1960s, feminists held "consciousness raising" sessions (and during the Vietnam war, students held "teach-ins"), where they explored the issues and developed the language around the issues they were trying to articulate.  Such sessions gave attendees information and a vocabulary to express what they were feeling and experiencing. A lot of what was being discussed at this session was not new to me, but then, I've been immersed in all things related to childless/free living for more than 20 years now. I sometimes have to remind myself that not everyone who is childless or childfree is aware of the broader cultural and political aspects of our lives in the same way that I am. 

Indeed, the host of the call, activist Shannon Coulter, began with a confession of sorts. She said she attended a Zoom call for white female Kamala Harris voters, shortly after the "childless cat ladies" comments made by a certain vice-presidential candidate resurfaced in late July. 

"My social media lit up like a Christmas tree, even some high-profile Republican women were mad," she said. And yet -- the topic never came up during the Zoom call she attended, which she found "astonishing." Coulter thought it was an oversight -- until she spoke to a childfree thought leader, who assured her no, it was NOT, and explained pronatalism to her  She realized that, beyond making comments in support of IVF, very few high-profile Democrats have specifically addressed the blatant hate speech being directed at people without children, who generally represent a "third rail" in American politics (and I would suggest, politics in many other countries as well!). Politicians who don't have children generally do not talk about it:  it's just not good for their careers to draw attention to it.  

Once Coulter realized this -- and just how big the group of voters without children is in the U.S. -- she was motivated to start organizing, with a focus that goes beyond just one candidate or a single election cycle.  Coulter, who is LGBTQ+, said she's drawing inspiration from that community in setting an agenda for childless/free voters:  

• Destigmatization: It's simply not acceptable that NO politicians are challenging the narrative and rhetoric against childless & childfree people, beyond support for IVF.  
• Visibility: We need to become part of the conversation.  
• Policy priorities: e.g., people without children often find their time is valued less than parents' -- particularly in the workplace. 

Here are some of my notes about what the other speakers had to say:    

Therese Schecter, filmmaker ("My So-Called Selfish Life"): 

• I've known all my life that I didn't want children. 
• This is not a "lifestyle" -- it's something much more profound. It's about reproductive freedom. Living an authentic life, despite the pressures to conform.  
• People without children are NOT some weird, deviant fringe group.  We are a growing and powerful demographic. We have a stake in the future too.  We pay taxes, And we vote!! 
  
• Pronatalism -- not just a conservative thing.
• "A woman in control of her own life is terrifying." 

Nadita Bajaj, Population Balance: 

• Grew up in India, came to Canada at age 17 with her parents. Home was a liberal haven, unconventional thinkers. Interested in environmental & feminist issues. 
• Confronted with pronatalism in late 20s:  I saw myself as a free thinker, and yet I thought everyone HAD to have children!  Never realized I had a choice, it wasn't inevitable. 
• Patriarchy & pronatalism are connected:  became institutionalized 5000 years ago. The more people/babies, the more power for politicians, businesses, etc.  
• Having children or not is not just a personal choice -- deeply political. 
• No coincidence there's so much pushback against the idea of smaller families/childfree. 
• Fertility can also be controlled the other way (forced sterilization, etc.), depending on the desired result. 

Kerry Graham:  

• Hated to admit to myself (let alone to others) that I didn't want kids  -- seemed like part of being an adult. Now proud to be childfree, but it took some time to get there. 
• Found communities that understand my experience & share my values. They exist, and they get it. 
• Two years ago, health crisis -- had to leave teaching. Felt less deserving to be here, less value than parents: don't have my own, can't care for others' kids. 
• Now 40 and refuse to let anyone make me feel ashamed. 
• "I deserve to be proud of who I am. I deserve to live in peace with who I am, and so do you." 

Dr. Angela Harris, No Bibs Burps Bottles:  

• My call to action:  Vote!  And bring your friends with you! 
• We fought too hard to be here today. We are making great strides, and we should celebrate and be proud, move upwards from here. 
• Words can hurt OR heal. 
• Great to mention support for IVF, but equally important to recognize a different choice. 
• 40-50% unlikely to have children. 
• All women need to unite for the greater good. We don't have to be at odds with each other (some are trying to create a gap between us).  
• BIPOC childfree women matter.  Before you know whether I have kids, you see my skin colour. 
• We (BIPOC) know there have been some dark & ugly periods in this nation's history. 
• Role models:  Oprah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Ava Duvernay. 
• You are great and your voice matters. 

Dr. Jennifer Watling-Neal & Dr. Zachary Neal:  

• We use data sets (from Michigan State University, CDC, Japan, USAID) to study stigmas & stereotypes re: childfree people, leverage the power of data to give childfree people a voice. 
• Exciting to see how many of us there actually are: 
• 10-20% of people in the U.S. are childfree (don't want and don't have children). That number is growing. 
• Other types of non-parents:  3-4% are childless.  
• Stereotypes:  you'll regret your decision.  Data shows that older parents (70+) express MORE regret than older childfree people. No weight to that argument! 
• Who holds these stereotypes?  Men (e.g., Vance), non-college graduates, parents or people who want to be parents in the future. 
• Political views:  Parents are more likely to be conservative/Republican, childfree much more likely to be liberal/Democrat. 
  
• Dobbs decision has led more people to identify as childfree:  20-21% before Dobbs, 26% after.  
• Childfree people feel okay about parents and other childfree people.  
• Parents think childfree people are okay. 
• BUT, parents REALLY love other parents!  Strong in-group favouritism, prefer to interact with other parents = childfree people get left out. 
• Childfree people are less satisfied with the neighbourhoods where they live than parents are. Their needs & preferences often ignored. Focus on "family friendly" neighbourhood events may be driving dissatisfaction. 
•  A lot of data available, tells a powerful story.  We have a lot of potential power.  
• More info available at www.thechildfree.org . 

Kat Calvin, Spread the Vote:  

• Raised by generations of well-educated feminist black women. 
• The world is driven by childfree & single women!  Most of your female heroes are likely childfree and/or single.  NOT unusual or weird! 
• We've been around throughout history:  more people need to understand that. 
• People think change is impossible. It only takes 3% of a population to make significant change. 
• We are in a place of power, we are not victims! 
• Need community and strategy. 

Dr. Amy Diehl & Dr. Leanne Dzubinski:  

Dr.Diehl: 

• Technically, now a parent ally.  Had a child in my late 40s, now 1 year old. 
• BUT, spent the previous 5 decades (most of my life) without children. 
• I would have termed myself ambivalent. Didn't really know if I wanted kids. 
• Have felt & experienced a lot of what you have described:  staying late at the office because no kids, odd person out in large extended family. Expected to do more. 
• Come from large religious community: certainly felt it there. Celebrations for marriage, babies -- nothing for me & my accomplishments. 
• Harvard Business Review article about how maternal bias affects women at work. 

Dr. Dzubinski: 

• Also a parent ally. 
• Leadership issue in faith-based world.  Large number of women without children there.  Noticed a difference between spoken & lived values.  
• Important to me that we respect & support each others' choices and shared humanity. 
• If you're female, you are seen as potential mother. 
• Lingering beliefs that men need to earn, women don't. 
• 4 biases/discrimination in the workplace: 
• Maybe baby: If you're a woman, you MIGHT have a child. 
• Do more:  If you're childless/free, you're expected to do more. 
• Pay less:  You're not supporting a family so you don't need more money. 
• Never quite right:  Parental status leveraged as an excuse for gender bias.  You can't win. Excuses to disguise flat-out gender bias. 

Dr. Diehl:  

• How to address bias & create a more equitable workplace for ALL of us. 
• Quick solutions: 
• Flexibility for all employees:  86% believe parents get precedence. Child-related reasons seen as more valid. But people without children are also caretakers -- and everyone has a life outside of work. 
• Equitable work:  Childfree people get dumped on with extra work. Must build in enough coverage for absences:  temporary/contract workers, overtime pay or stipend. Compensate existing employees for extra workload, release them from other tasks. Also: leaves of absence/sabbaticals for all. 
• Equal pay/pay transparency:  Pay based on qualifications, not parental status. Analyze parental status of employees and correct pay inequities. 
• Encourage men to be caregivers and take parental leave.  They need to be vocal when they need to leave early for child-related reasons and why. 
• We all must be allies -- not a zero-sum game (winners/losers).  
• There are many ways to contribute to society. 

Childless/free voters, unite!

Have you been rolling your eyes (or quietly seething) at some of the hateful "childless cat ladies" rhetoric that's emerged recently from the mouths of certain U.S. politicians and commentators?  

Have you ever listened to politicians (across borders and from all parts of the political spectrum) wax poetic about "hard-working families," and wondered where the voices advocating for non-parents were?  

Here's a chance to begin taking positive action. :)   

This morning, I got an email from documentary filmmaker Therese Schecter of Trixie Films.  I wound up on her mailing list after signing up for a screening of her wonderful film "My So-Called Selfish Life," a few years ago. 

Therese is part of a new group called The Alliance of Child-Free Voters -- a nonpartisan grassroots coalition of individuals and organizations that fight for the visibility, rights, and policy priorities of childfree and childless people. "We are part of a powerful and rapidly growing voter bloc, one with enormous resources and energy," the group notes.  And they are organizing a Zoom call this Monday, Sept. 9th at 8 PM (Eastern), featuring 11 speakers "who will share how we can begin to build solidarity and political power both in the 2024 election cycle and beyond." 

As Therese (who is Canadian) said in the email I received (boldfaced emphasis hers), "This event is non-partisan, does not support a specific candidate, and is not doing any fundraising. It's aimed at US voters, but pronatalism knows no borders. I hope you can join us for this Zoom Webinar and get inspired to take your own action, no matter where you live."

Further information on Therese's website, here.  Space is apparently limited to 500 people, so if you're interested, register now! 

Odds & ends

• So lovely to see Infertile Phoenix back writing on her blog again! :) 
• I'm SO glad I read Louise Penny's latest newsletter (which landed in my email inbox last weekend, I think) in time to catch her on Tuesday, Sept. 3rd, in a live (recorded for later viewing) YouTube conversation with Alan Bradley, author of the delightful Flavia de Luce mysteries. The 11th in the series, "What Time the Sexton's Spade Doth Rust," was released that same day. (Penny also has a new Inspector Gamache/Three Pines mystery coming out later this fall.)  I think I had a smile on my face the entire hour!  :)  
• Margaret Renkl in the New York Times is a gorgeous writer. And her latest column -- "My Bookshelf, Myself" -- well, I feel SEEN, lol. 
• Annoying thing:  AARP Medical Supplement TV ad from the U.S., in which a woman crows "Grandkids!! I can't wait!!"  (eyeroll) 
• (I also got to hear this line from someone at a recent family gathering. Sigh...) 
• In a recent link roundup in her "Life, Almost" Substack, Jennie Agg flagged this fascinating article about the lack of data related to pregnancy loss in the U.S., and what can be learned from other countries (the U.K. in particular). (Sadly, I don't think Canada is too much better than the U.S. in this regard...) 
• New Substack for childless and childfree aunties: "The Auntie Bulletin" by Lisa Sibbett.  
• Jody Day examines "The friendship apocalypse" at 60 in her Childless Elderwomen Substack. 
• Nesrine Malik in the Guardian: "The right’s obsession with childless women isn’t just about ideology: it’s essential to the capitalist machine." 
• "Sperm donors are anonymous in Canada. Adult children are finding their roots anyway." (I knew about the shortage of donor sperm in Canada, but was surprised to learn that -- outside of the province of Quebec -- my country is one of the few where donors can still remain anonymous.) 
• Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast spoke to a reporter about "The grief of childlessness on Father's Day" (which was celebrated in Australia recently).  
• Michael & I will be discussing  "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" in a webinar for World Childless Week on Monday, Sept. 16th. Details and links in this post.  
• Are men (finally??!) waking up to the importance of reproductive rights in America?  Great article (gift linked)  in the Washington Post:  "A louder voice in fighting abortion bans: Men in red states." (Subhead:  "More men are speaking out in defense of reproductive rights because of harrowing experiences that wives or partners have suffered when a pregnancy went awry.")  
• "When Oprah says ‘childless cat lady,’ and the camera’s on you."  (I remenber noticing the camera on this particular woman nodding at Oprah's remarks, and thought "Yikes!"  Glad to read that she's taken her moment in the spotlight in good humour...!)
• Monica Hesse's recent column in the Washington Post is an absolute must read (so here's a gift link!):  "JD Vance's repeated digs at childless women are worse than you thought." Subhead: "It’s not about the kids they don’t have. It’s about the empathy he can’t even fathom."  
• The whole piece is great, but I especially loved this passage:  

Disparaging childless people once is a misspeak. Twice is a PR crisis. Three times and you have, as we say in the journalism business, a trend.

Odds & ends

(Just some!! of the) Stuff I've been reading lately:  

• From the Globe & Mail (which bills itself as "Canada's national newspaper"): "An empty bird’s nest always leaves me melancholy."  (The print copy headline reads: "For many years I hoped and tried.")  Gorgeously written. (The author, Susan, & I have had coffee together and hope to meet up again soon!)  
• I had no idea who Anna Marie Tendler was -- although, once I read the Washington Post's review of her memoir, "Men Have Called Her Crazy," I recognized the name of her ex-husband (comedian John Mulaney -- as well as Olivia Munn, the actress he left Tendler for). What piqued my interest, though, was this telling detail (ouch!):  

A chapter about the death of her beloved dog is heart-rending, though. So is a chapter about freezing her eggs, especially for those who, again, know the context: Mulaney’s numerous jokes over the years about not wanting children, and the fact that he now has one with the woman he left Tendler for.

• (On the other hand, there's this...)  I wound up taking out a free 7-day trial subscription to Amanda Montei's Substack "Mad Woman," just so I could read the full text of the post titled "'Mothers' Instinct' and the horror of maternal desperation" (Subhead:  "The supposedly primal need women have for children is everywhere.")  
• (I already have a free subscription, and will likely cancel the free trial before my credit card gets charged... there are only so many paid subscriptions, for Substack and other things, that my budget can take...!) 
• The post analyzes a new film called "Mothers' Instinct" -- and the hoary old trope that the lack of a child drives women mad, that some women are so desperate for a child that they will resort to kidnapping, murder and other lurid crimes. (I know these things DO occasionally happen, but to apply that logic to all childless women is incredibly insulting.)  A couple of excerpts: 

...the film betrays two persistent and familiar fantasies: that mothers without children go insane; and that in their desperation for a child to control, women will stop at nothing.

...The mother-hungry woman is a common trope in psychological thrillers. We see this brand of horror a lot: the monstrous mother driven to madness by her insatiable thirst for a child— any child...  a kind of any-kid-will-do primal hunger that causes auto- and instinctual insanity in any woman who can’t get her motherhood dream fulfilled, or has it ripped from her too soon...

I could not help but think of the stories we’ve been hearing lately on the national stage. It’s that pervasive belief again: that women need motherhood not just to make their lives worthwhile, but to stabilize their moods.

And with the belief that without a child every woman goes mad, of course, comes more: the idea that women need children, need family, need men, to contain them, make them good, give them some target for all that wild animal energy. Even if their love for their child is destined to be a little pathological.

• Ali Hall -- whose work I have been reading on Medium -- has started a Substack, "Life Without Children." She's childfree by choice but consistently includes the CNBC perspective as well.  Her most recent post is "The Modern-Day Twist on “The Village” To Promote Equitability for All" (Subhead:  "Regardless of our parental or relationship status, we all need our village.") Hear, hear!! 
• Sample passage (emphasis the author's): 

There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.

This sense of entitlement is missing the whole point of “The Village.” For a village to function, it requires us all to be active members as soon as we can comprehend the workings of a community.

It takes time to build communities. They are an investment of love and support. A conglomerate of skills and interests. Expecting a village to present itself on command indicates a lack of personal contribution. I can’t help but wonder whether those who shout the loudest for a village have ever served as a villager.

If we want the benefits of a village, we must also be a villager.

• Ali Hall was also one of the speakers on Medium Day (Aug. 17th), and I reserved a "ticket" to her 30-minute Zoom session that morning, titled "Making Space for the Childless and Childfree."  (I am not sure whether those presentations are available to watch somewhere, but if you can find it, it's definitely worth seeing!) She spoke for about 15 minutes and then answered questions from viewers in the chat for another 15 -- but in those few minutes, she delivered a LOT of great messages!   
• "A truth of crones:" In her Substack "Gateway Elderwomen," Jody Day shares a linked list of other Substackers writing about the elderwomen experience, most of them also "NoMo Crones" (older women without children). 
• Phil Donahue died this week at age 88. He revolutionized the American TV talk show, considered himself a feminist, and was married to feminist icon, actress Marlo Thomas (who does not have children). I remember my mother watching his show every morning she was at home, when I was in high school. (I watched too, when I was home sick from school, or during summer holidays.)  I enjoyed this Salon article: "Phil Donahue showed how feminism and open-mindedness are crucial for democracy." 
• Kate Cox, the Texas woman who was denied an abortion (and had to go out of state to get one) after the fetus she was carrying was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, announced during the ceremonial roll call at the Democratic National Convention this week, that she is five months pregnant again and due in January.  Normally, I cringe at these sorts of public pregnancy announcements -- but I'll admit my eyes filled with happy tears for her! 
• This recent article in the Toronto Star, about Kamala Harris's teenaged years in Montreal (and how little she has to say about it), reminded me of my review of her book a couple of years ago (and one of my chief complaints about the book, lol).  Love the conclusion, lol:  

...we Canadians will harbour no hurt feelings about the strategic amnesia surrounding her Montreal years. But this we know whether or not she admits it: this woman who may soon occupy the Oval Office has a nice little sliver of Canada lodged deep in her soul.

We just won’t tell anyone.

• U.S. vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance's recent (ridiculous) comments -- about how the purpose of a post-menopausal woman is to help care for her grandchildren (!!!) -- spawned some hilarious comeback comments, posts and memes on social media. It also earned him a "Dingus of the Week" mention from Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell At Me." Lyz (single divorced mother of two children) added this thought at the end of the post, and I wanted to share at least part of it with  you here:  :)  (We need more Lyzs in the world, don't we??) 

So much of the discourse this week has involved weighing in on people’s choices to have children and dividing the world into the selfless parents and the selfish childless. So, I want to take a moment to say how much I value my friends who do not have children. I love them not because of the care work they do for me, but because they are delightful humans. But I would not be honest if I said I didn’t rely on their advice, insight, and kindness... 

So much of my life as a single mom who lives far away from family has meant building a new kind of community for myself, one that is bigger and wider and brighter and more spacious than the world I had before. And being able to have a night out with friends, who include my kids, and delight in them. Well, it means everything.

I don’t understand these small mean little worlds that are built to exclude rather than include...

So this week, I’m drinking Shirley Temples and toasting to all my friends without children. I’d be lost without you.

(Some appreciative remarks in the comments from childless and childfree people, as well as some kind affirmative remarks from other parents.)   

•  And speaking of Vance (although -- do we really have to??), I'm still laughing (BAHAHAHAHA!!)  over this satirical post from Charlotte Clymer:  "Are Childless Males Hurting America?"  ;)  (Definitely worth a read!!) 

There's something happening here...

 ...what it is ain't exactly clear. (Apologies to Buffalo Springfield for lifting their lyrics, lol.) 

Is it just me, or does it seem like we're at a bit of a turning point, when it comes to greater public acknowledgement, awareness and openness on reproductive-related matters? -- including childlessness (by choice and not), infertility and fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, abortion and maternal mortality? 

Some of this, of course, can be traced to the fall of Roe v Wade in the United States two years ago and increasing restrictions on access to abortion, IVF and other such procedures. There have been some horrifying stories coming out of some American states, where women are not only being denied access to abortions but to other healthcare procedures, including management of ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages, to the point that some women have almost died, and/or have had their future fertility prospects  compromised. 

Some of these women have been speaking at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago this week. Other speakers -- mostly women, but also a few men! -- have been sharing, openly and pointedly, about their personal experiences with loss, abortion and fertility treatments. 

For example, at his very first campaign event with presidential nominee Kamala Harris, vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz spoke about IVF access and how IVF helped him and his wife Gwen conceive their two children.  Gwen Walz later clarified that they'd actually conceived their children through IUIs, not IVF -- which prompted Republican VP candidate J.D. Vance to call Walz a liar.  I'm not sure I'd call it an outright lie -- inaccurate, yes -- but how many people outside the fertility world would know the difference?  (Certainly, from the guy's perspective, it's all the same, right??)  True, IVF is definitely a lot more expensive, involved and intrusive than IUI.  But -- take it from someone who had three IUIs -- IUI is no walk in the park either. 

But then -- last night, I watched a panel on CNN discussing this, and the differences between IUIs and IVF -- and several of the people on the panel chimed in to say THEY had experienced one or the other. And then today, my husband saw another CNN panel discussing the same topic and the differences between the two procedures. 

When on earth did you ever imagine you'd be hearing THAT kind of discussion on a national news network??  I certainly didn't!  

Also yesterday:  I spotted a forthcoming book on a Goodreads list of fall reads that I've added to the top of my wish list.  Keep an eye out for "I'm Sorry for My Loss: An Urgent Examination of Reproductive Care in America" by Rebecca Little and Colleen Long. It will be available in Canada (if not other markets) on Sept. 24th.  Here's the book's description on Goodreads (boldfaced emphasis mine):  

A must-read investigation of reproductive health under fire in Post-Roe America.

More than a million women lose a pregnancy each year, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or termination for medical reasons. For most, the experience often casts a shadow of isolation, shame, and blame. In the aftermath of the 2022 decision to overturn Roe v Wade, 25 million women of childbearing age live in states with laws that restrict access to abortion, including for those who never wanted to end their pregnancies. How did we get here?

Rebecca Little and Colleen Long, childhood friends who grew up to be journalists, both experienced late-term loss, and together they take an incisive, deeply reported look at the issue, working to shatter taboos that have made so many pregnant women feel ashamed and alone. They trace the experience of pregnancy loss and reproductive care from America's founding to the present day, exposing the deep impact made by a dangerous tangle of laws, politics, medicine, racism, and misogyny. Combining powerful personal narratives with exhaustive research, I'm Sorry for My Loss is a comprehensive examination on how pregnancy loss came to be so stigmatized and politicized, and why a system of more compassionate care is critical for everyone.

It's currently got 16 ratings on Goodreads, averaging 4.63 stars. If you manage to get a copy and read it before I do, let me know what you think! 

After the last U.S. election, the Washington Post adopted a new motto: "Democracy dies in darkness." It's becoming obvious that reproductive rights do too. It's HARD to speak out on these subjects, go public, share the most traumatic experiences of our lives more openly. (It's hard enough sharing with family members & friends, let alone the general public!) But it's becoming obvious that the more we do, the more things start to change. 

(I find it hard personally to walk that talk -- but I like to think my upcoming World Childless Week webinar is a small step in the right direction...??)     

I've written here in the past on a couple of other occasions where I felt a similar shift in the childless/free zeitgeist, some forward movement:   

• Back in 2012, in a post titled "I am childless, hear me roar,"  I wrote about a growing sense that we, as a childless community, were beginning to find our voices:  

...over the last few months, I've had this sense of increasing momentum -- that we, the childless/free women of the world, are (at long last) beginning to find our individual and collective voices, our tribe, and make our presence known.

...It's still early days -- but I sense a growing willingness among us to speak out -- to stand up and be counted. To say, "I am childless after infertility (and/or loss). I am a survivor.  And I have a good life -- even if it's not the life I originally wanted or planned." 

Hear us roar. : )

• And in 2021, after spending the weekend at the first online Childless Collective Summit organized by Katy Seppi, I wrote about how I felt like I'd just attended "Childless Woodstock":  

Maybe I'm stretching things here just a bit ;)  but I feel like I just spent the weekend at the childless equivalent of Woodstock (minus the drugs & the mud, lol), being inspired and empowered and (yes) entertained by the rock stars of our community -- a community that some people didn't even know existed until they showed up and looked at all the other people around them -- all of us outsiders in both the parenting and infertility communities that envelop us (and sometimes threaten to smother us) -- and realized that we, too, are a force to be reckoned with -- on average, representing one in five people (20%!) in any given developed country.  

For most of the past four days, I've been sitting in front of my laptop, bleary-eyed and slightly delirious, basking in the company of my peeps -- 2,700!!! childless-not-by-choice women (and a few men)!!! -- at the online Childless Collective Summit, organized by Katy of Chasing Creation...  

I closed my laptop on Sunday night feeling both exhausted and exhilarated (and if *I'm* exhausted, I can't imagine how Katy is feeling this morning...!!), and thinking that perhaps (finally! finally!!), we too are on the verge of becoming a force to be reckoned with. 

You guys, I have been consciously living without children for almost 20 years now, and blogging for more than 13 of those years. 2,700 may not be quite half a million strong (yet!!) -- but!!! 20 years ago -- even 13 (or 10, or 5) years ago -- the idea that there would be 2,700 of us gathered together (online, but hey, pandemic...), talking openly to each other about our childless-not-by-choice experiences, sharing hopes and fears and tears, exchanging social media handles and other contact details, and organizing Facebook groups and regular Zoom meetups -- and that there would be so many amazing speakers, representing so many different aspects of our shared experiences, providing wisdom and guidance -- it would have been -- it was -- it is! -- absolutely, completely MINDBLOWING. 

I'm getting some similar vibes this summer. There's still PLENTY of room for improvement, of course!  Ours is still a very pronatalist society. It's going to take a while to change that.  

But yeah.   

How about you? What do you think? 

#MicroblogMondays: A few odds & ends

• 
  Something happened today that most Canadians generally don't have to deal with or think about, most of the time:  I got a medical-related bill, via my MyChart app (where you can sign up to receive your medical test results, etc., online) related to my recent emergency trip to the hospital. 
• It was a bill for the ambulance:  $45.  Not bad, eh?  (Same as the bill I got after my first ambulance trip, two years ago.)  
• I paid it (online, with my credit card). And I can probably get some if not all of that back via the supplementary medical insurance dh & I have as pensioners through our previous employer. 
• Glad to be Canadian (not for the first nor the last time, I am sure...!).  
• I saw my first back to school post on social media recently -- last week, on August 5th (!). (Someone's grandkids from the American South.)  Here in Ontario, first day generally isn't until the day after Labour Day (and some kindergarten classes and college programs start a week or so later than that). Which means I have at least six or seven weeks of photos and posts trickling (and then gushing) into my social media to (not??) look forward to. Sigh... 
• As a Canadian, I don't get a vote in the upcoming U.S. presidential election -- but I was tickled to see Kamala Harris chose the governor of Minnesota (my mom's home state, and still home to many of my relatives), Tim Walz, as her running mate. (I'm old enough to remember seeing former MN governor/former VP Hubert Humphrey speaking at the county fair in the early 1970s -- during the 1972 election, possibly? -- when I was a pre-teen -- but, I digress...!) 
• The best part, though, was Walz's frank declaration that he became a dad only after several years of IVF treatments -- and named his daughter Hope because of that. I think this guy gets it (certainly more so than a certain former president and his own VP pick...).   
• There's been some great coverage about that, and I will try to round up a few links to include in a future post...  
• Despite the alarmist/doom-laden headline (eyeroll), I appreciated the thoughtful overall tone of this article from the Guardian by Gaby Hinsliff:  "The shrunken state expects families to fill the voids in health and social care. Woe betide those without children." (Subheading: "As fewer Britons have children, more will be left to navigate our threadbare social care system and overstretched hospitals alone." -- it focuses on the British health care and social services system, but I don't think North America is any better...!)  Key paragraph (boldfaced emphasis mine): 

The last thing I want to do in raising this is add to a mean-spirited moral panic about what Donald Trump’s new right-hand man, JD Vance, so dismissively called “childless cat ladies”. Making people feel guilty – or worse still, frightened – about not having had the children some of them desperately wanted to have but couldn’t, is cruel and futile, since for the average older person finding themselves in need of care it’s about 30 years too late for regrets. Instead, what we need are services shaped for the way families are now, not the way that proponents of a smaller state would like them to be.

• I loved this Substack post from Jennifer Louden at "It's Not Too Late:"  "your yet to be lived lives are calling." Sample passage (boldfaced emphasis hers):  

To live is to whittle away possibilities. To choose one fork in the road over another. And to never know what you might have experienced, who you might have become, if you chose the other way.

Learning to make some kind of peace with your unlived life is part of growing down into the life you did choose. Of course, many of us didn’t get to choose — a host of factors outside our control choose for us, sometimes brutally. This too we have to metabolize if we are to continue to live more than a shadow existence.

We all possess unlived unexpressed potential. Missed opportunities. Stolen opportunities. Parts of ourselves we didn’t develop, roads we could not or did not venture down.

Yes, it is too late for those avenues, those options, those opportunities.

But there are lives ahead of you that are yearning to be explored. It is not too late for that.

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.