#MicroblogMondays: I dreamed a dream...

I had a really weird dream a few nights ago. 

I was by myself, walking along a desolate country road, somewhere between the border town where I was born, close to where my paternal grandparents had a farm, and my maternal grandparents' home, 20 miles away in NW Minnesota. (The border did not seem to be an issue here, lol.)  

I wanted to go to my grandparents' house in Minnesota, and I thought I'd walk there (20 miles -- with my bum knee -- yeah, right...!!). But then I remembered -- the house is gone, and there's no one left there. (Just one of my second cousins, and a childhood friend from the neighbourhood.)  

So I turned and started walking in the direction of my other grandparents' farm, a few miles outside of town... but the road petered out into big snowdrifts, and I realized it hadn't been plowed -- and then I also remembered that there was no one left at the farm anymore either (hasn't been in almost 40 years...!). 

So I turned again and started trudging back into town -- although there's really no one there I could ask for help either. I thought that maybe I could get a room at the motel there, and then a ride into the city the next day -- or start walking there in the morning (60 miles...?!). 

But then I realized that although my sister and a few cousins live in or near the city, I couldn't rely on them to take me in either, certainly not long term. And I'm not sure I really belong in that city anymore either (if I ever did).  

When I woke up, I realized that I've been struggling with these themes & questions my entire life.  Where is home?  Where do I belong?  (DO I belong anywhere??) Do I matter to anyone (besides dh and my parents -- who aren't going to be around forever...)?  Who will be there for me if/when I need help (especially in my later years)?  

I've had similar dreams before, but for some reason, this one really bothered me and has stuck with me since then.

I think a lot of childless-not-by-choice women struggle with these questions. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

It's always something....

I was already doing a lot of thinking about travelling -- and then (on the same day, in late June) both Jess and Grumpy Rumblings had travel-related posts that really resonated with me.  This post is the result!  (Be forewarned, it's a long one!) 

All my life, I've dreamed about travelling to places I've only read about or seen on the movies or TV. My ancestral homelands of England, Scotland, Ireland and Sweden rank high on the wish list. So does Italy -- besides being married to an Italian, I've been fascinated by Pompeii ever since I read a story about a boy and his dog and the volcano, as a schoolkid. And other places, especially in Europe. (Ukraine/Russia too, especially given my Ukrainian heritage -- but that was not an option for the first 30 years or so of my life, given the Cold War -- and I fear that window of opportunity has closed again...)   

My family took a few big roadtrips when I was growing up (including a particularly memorable one when I was 14, to the west coast and back), but most of our vacations were spent staying with my grandparents in Minnesota, or visiting family & friends, or camping with friends.  Europe (or even Disneyland) was beyond our budget. 

These days, we're somewhat more financially well off than my parents were. But when we were both working, vacation time was at a premium, and -- since all of my family is 1000 miles away -- we wound up spending a lot of it with them (and still do). We've made a few trips over the years, with them and (sometimes) just the two of us, mostly within Canada and the northern U.S.  

Once we retired, and our vacation time was unlimited (if not our budget...!), it seemed like it was finally time to spread our wings a little and visit some of those places we'd talked about.  

BUT.  

I know I've written about all this before on this blog, but to recap:  

2015:  Dh got the bright idea to sell our house and move across the city to a condo. Which meant a mad scramble to fix up our house (a little, if not a full-scale reno), get rid of a LOT of stuff, and find a place to live that we could both agree on. That consumed a good part of late 2015/early 2016. 

Summer 2016:  Newly settled into our new condo, we did take a cross-country driving trip, from Toronto to Iowa (via Michigan/northern Indiana/northern Illinois) to attend my family reunion there, and then north via Minneapolis to spend some time with my parents & sister in Manitoba, before heading home again through northern Ontario.  (Look under July and August 2016 for posts from that trip.)  Once we got there, it was full speed ahead to Older Nephew's wedding that fall. 

Spring 2018:  Younger Nephew's wedding -- and FIL's cancer diagnosis. Spending time with him became our priority, and especially dh's.  We didn't even get to Manitoba that summer. FIL died in August. 

January 2020:  My 59th birthday. "Next year," I vowed, "I will spend my birthday on a warm beach somewhere." 

Well, you all know what happened just a few months later...! January 2021 rolled around, and no one was going anywhere, for quite a while... 

Most pandemic restrictions had lifted by the time summer 2022 rolled around -- but I wasn't able to go anywhere (even to Manitoba) then either, because I was dealing with a couple of health issues -- one longstanding, one new -- which culminated in almost-back-to-back surgeries for my eye and my gallbladder in July and August.   

Meanwhile, BIL's health had begun to deteriorate, and rapidly so, starting in late 2022/early 2023. He & SIL needed increasing support, for rides to medical appointments, and (especially) caregiving backup for Little Great-Nephew.  His liver transplant in July 2023 was a success (thank goodness!), but he still wasn't able to do much for quite a while, and so we continued to be on call for support for quite a while. 

I had high hopes that this might be the year we FINALLY got to take that big trip. For one thing, it was our 40th wedding anniversary in July -- what better incentive for a celebratory splurge of a trip, right??  (Not IN July -- too hot, too busy/crowded, almost anywhere we would want to go  -- but maybe September/October?)(Whose bright idea was it to get married in early July anyway??  lol)  

First step:  getting our passports renewed before they expired in May.  That took some doing, but we finally had them in hand by late May.  Meanwhile, I was looking at travel packages and asking friends what they'd recommend, etc. I thought about this a LOT, poking around the Internet, turning the various options over and over in my mind... 

When I brought the subject up earlier this year, in a general way, dh was on board ("yeah, sure, whatever you want...").  And I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it since then a few times too. But when I finally sat him down in early June and asked him to commit to some specifics ("if we're going to do it, we need to get something booked NOW..."), he got this deer-in-the-headlights look on his face -- admitted he hadn't really been thinking about it at all (! -- men, right??) -- and then confessed that he really wasn't keen on international travel right now, with everything happening in the world (our country's deteriorating relationship with the U.S., the security of Europe in flux, the continuing war in Ukraine, what's happening in Gaza...).  Maybe next year? 

I get it.  The world is a scary place right now. But. I'll admit:  I was not happy. I pointed out that I'm 64, he's 68. My knees are already not in great shape. We're not getting any younger...!  If not now, WHEN??  How many more good years do we have??

He did say we could definitely plan a trip for somewhere in Canada this fall.  (I probably don't have to explain why travel to the U.S. is off the table for the foreseeable future...)  We agreed we'd like to return to Nova Scotia (we went there for our 25th anniversary in 2010), spend a little more time there -- and maybe hit P.E.I. this time around while we're at it (a longtime bucket list destination for me)(and maybe a bit of New Brunswick along the way).  And he agreed that we could go somewhere warm this January for my 65th birthday. :)  (I'm thinking the Caribbean.... )

But -- first things first. By the time we had this conversation, it was almost time for us to head to Manitoba. I resolved that planning and booking a fall trip would be a priority when we returned.  (I'm much more confident about planning a trip within Canada, and it's easier to do at short notice too.)

Nothing is booked yet. Why? 

It's been busy since we got back. I did have intentions of booking something this week. 

BUT THEN:  

• Nova Scotia and Newfoundland (another potential destination both of us would really like to visit) are getting hammered right now by forest fires -- including some that are fairly close to the capital cities of Halifax and St. John's. Even if the fires didn't affect where we wanted to go (in terms of roads blocked, etc.), there will likely be lots of smoke to deal with. (Lots of other fires burning in other areas of Canada right now too, sadly...) 
• AND NOW -- Air Canada flight attendants are going on strike!!!  The airline is already starting to cancel flights. They expect to be completely grounded by the weekend. There IS WestJet (we only have two major Canadian national airlines -- which is part of why it's so damned expensive to travel within this country) -- but they will quickly be swamped, I'm sure. I have a great deal of sympathy for the flight attendants' grievances -- but...!  (Needless to say, I'm very glad our trip to Manitoba was in July...!) 

To quote the late great (also childless) Gilda Radner, "It's always something...!"  

Of course, the strike could be over quickly (especially if they go to binding arbitration, which is highly likely) -- and the fires could be brought under control by the time we want to go anywhere. Who knows??  But there are still a lot of unknowns to deal with right now. 

I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking "Excuses, excuses... just go for it!"  To be honest, while I like the IDEA of travel -- and I almost always love it when we get wherever we're going -- I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to the process of getting there. I do kind of enjoy the research -- but actually making decisions, making all the necessary arrangements -- I get quite uptight sometimes.  I don't have a lot of anxiety about flying itself (although I've never had to fly anywhere for more than 5 hours -- to Seattle -- and most of that was over land, not an ocean! -- so that could change, depending on the destination...!) -- but I do get VERY anxious when going online and booking something. It's a lot of money at stake (even just to fly from Toronto to Winnipeg), and I feel like there are so many little decisions have you make along the way through the booking process -- and so many opportunities to screw up, lol.  

(I used to have a great travel agent -- I told her what we wanted and the dates, and she came back with some choices and took care of everything for me.  But once I lost my job, the travel agency fee seemed like one expense we could do without -- plus by then, everyone was booking their own travel online -- especially for simple travel, which is what we usually did and do -- Toronto-Winnipeg direct -- no transfers involved -- easy-peasy. But the idea of booking a flight to Europe -- and then planning and coordinating an itinerary, making reservations at hotels and B&Bs, sight unseen, etc. -- seems pretty daunting. Which is why I was thinking a tour might be the way to go, particularly for a first trip there.)  

One other reason I've been procrastinating:  I was hoping we'd hear from dh's cousins about a cottage weekend, if there's going to be one, so we could plan around that. We've gone there with BIL & SIL every September for the past four years, and really enjoyed it -- and we've usually had an invitation or at least a "save the date" email by now. I know it's been a busy summer for them too, though, for a number of reasons, and I am hesitant to reach out to them (even though there are other reasons I would like to do so), because I don't want to make it seem like I'm hinting/angling for an invitation...!  But I feel like the minute I book anything, they'll ask us, you know?? 

Anyway -- I'm wondering if maybe I should downscale my expectations (again...!) and maybe just suggest to dh that we do a road trip to Ottawa (about 4-5 hours away). (We were there with BIL & SIL in early October 2017.) There's lots to see and do there, and I've been dying to get back there, just the two of us, and do a little ancestor hunting in the area. :)  It would be easy enough to cancel/change a hotel reservation if something else came up in the meantime (much easier than cancelling or rebooking flights...!). 

Montreal would also be do-able -- together with Ottawa (it's only about 2 hours away from there) or on its own. I was there overnight on business, 30-ish years ago, but didn't really get to see much of the city then. 

We could also go to Niagara-on-the-Lake for a few days -- we haven't been there since our anniversary in 2017, and it's always such a great place to get away. The Shaw Festival offers great theatre all summer/fall long, and also runs a couple of Christmas-themed theatre productions in November & December -- A Christmas Carol and White Christmas.  That might be a fun way to get into the holiday spirit. :) 

I'm sure all these places are busier this year than usual, because so many people are staying at home/travelling within Canada right now -- but hopefully it would be a little less busy in the fall once kids go back to school, etc.  

Sigh... decisions, decisions....!  

If you've read this far, thank you!  (I do some of my best thinking on paper/screen, lol.)

"Still Life" by Louise Penny

I may have both my Canadian and mystery novel fan credentials revoked for admitting this, but I had never read a Louise Penny/Three Pines/Gamache novel -- until now.  I'd heard great reviews from many sources and always had it in mind that I should give the series a try, but... well, you know... so many books, so little time, etc. etc...!  

Then, in a recent Friday Roundup post,  Mel mentioned: 

The Substack (Loribeth is so right! Substacks are blogs in disguise.) Notes from Three Pines is hosting an ongoing Inspector Gamache read-along. It kicks off on February 22, so you have time to read the first book (Still Life). I will jump in because my old book club closed down, and I’m looking for a more structured community beyond Goodreads. But not too structured because I don’t want to leave my house.

Does anyone else want to join along? And then go on a road trip to the greater Montreal area?

I responded in a comment: 

I am game for Montreal (and maybe the read-along too, albeit I need another book club like a hole in the head, lol). Despite my (relative) proximity — it’s only about a six-hour drive from here, and I think some of the nonstop trains can get there in 4 — I’ve only been there once, overnight on business (followed by [note from Loribeth: actually, preceded by] six hours in Quebec City before flying home again). This was about 30 years ago, and I spent most of my time either in a hotel room or board room. My mom & I were going to take the train there for a few days when she came to visit me about 20+ years ago — the train tickets were bought and hotel room booked, I’d researched stuff for us to do — but we had to cancel. I was suffering horrible anxiety attacks, post-infertility treatment, just before she got there and I did not want to be in a strange city and not feeling well. 🙁

Despite the fact that (as I alluded to Mel) I'm ALREADY trying to keep up with 3 -- wait, 4! -- active book clubs/reading groups (D.E. Stevenson, L.M. Montgomery Readathon, and Lighthouse Women -- both the NoMo book club and the "Living the Life Unexpected" reading group -- plus two other groups are that are inactive at the moment) -- plus read some books of my own choosing once in a while!  ;) -- I couldn't resist the opportunity. ;)  Conveniently, I already had a copy of "Still Life" in my Kobo e-reader, purchased on sale a while back, so I was able to dive in as soon as I finished reading my previous book.  

*** *** *** 

In many ways, "Still Life" is a standard murder mystery, with echoes of Agatha Christie and Hercule Poirot. I didn't find the opening chapter, where the stage is set and the body discovered, especially exciting or attention-grabbing -- but once Chief Inspector Armand Gamache arrived on the scene, my interest was piqued.  The body in question is that of Jane Neal, retired schoolteacher and amateur artist, whose painting was just accepted for exhibit at the local art show. Upon closer inspection, the cause of death is revealed:  an arrow, straight through her heart. Was it a hunting accident -- or was it murder?  Who killed her, and why?  

Two things in particular set this book apart and made it a good read for me: first, the Canadian/Quebecois setting and references. Examples:  it's Thanksgiving -- *Canadian* Thanksgiving, in October! :)  There are mentions of Tim Hortons, United Empire Loyalists, the Parti Quebecois, the referendum on Quebec independence (I'm assuming the one in 1995, which came dangerously close to destroying the country, and not the earlier one in 1980) and Prime Minister Mulroney (who stepped down in 1993 -- which, along with the referendum reference and a teenager's Discman suggests the book is set in the early 1990s). 

Second, I loved the vivid portraits of the village of Three Pines and its quirky residents -- and of the principled and thoroughly decent Gamache and his fellow police officers (even the clueless and annoying Yvette Nichol). I'm not convinced I'd want to move to Three Pines -- there are some rather dark undercurrents there (aren't there always, in small towns?) -- but I sure would love to spend some time browsing in Myrna's bookstore and have a meal and a cafe au lait in Olivier's bistro.  :)  Especially in October, with the glorious fall colours on full display.  :)  

What I didn't like: I don't want to give away any spoilers -- but let's just say that I share a phobia with one of the main characters, Clara ;)  which figures prominently in a chapter near the end of the book. That scene alone probably knocked half a point off my rating, lol. ;)  

4 stars on Goodreads. As I said, this was my first Louise Penny novel, but it won't be my last. I'm looking forward to reading more about Gamache and Three Pines, very soon.  :)  

Have you read any Louise Penny books?  Are you doing the Notes From Three Pines Readalong? And have you watched the new streaming TV series based on the books, "Three Pines"?  Thoughts? (I don't have Amazon Prime and haven't seen it, but I must admit, I think Alfred Molina was a good casting choice for Gamache. :)  )  

This was Book #8 read to date in 2023 (and Book #2 finished in February), bringing me to 18% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

#MicroblogMondays: Juggling

Last Thursday afternoon, I finally got the phone call I've been waiting for: the office of the surgeon who will be removing my gallbladder, asking if I wanted to go ahead with the surgery. (Yes, please.)  They are currently booking surgeries for June, July and August. The first date she offered me was July 12th.  

I had to tell her I am currently scheduled to have eye surgery on July 25th -- 13 days later -- and what was her opinion on having the two surgeries that close together? Would it be better to wait until after that was done, and if so, how long? She told me that recovery time from this surgery varies, but it generally takes two to four weeks. (That would be cutting it kind of close, I think -- in terms of my own comfort, if not any actual impact on the surgery itself.)  She suggested I talk to the opthamologist and get back to her. Sigh. 

I left a message with the opthamologist's office on Thursday afternoon -- but of course (as I knew, based on past experience), it went to voice mail, where the recorded message says calls will be answered within two business days (!) -- i.e., I probably won't hear from them until today or tomorrow. (They haven't called so far.) Meanwhile, I'm worried the surgeon's schedule will fill up and then I'll have to wait for the NEXT block of surgeries to be scheduled for September, October & November. :(  (I did mention in my message that I would like to hear from them ASAP, so that I can finalize my surgery date.)  :( 

I'm also scheduled to see my family doctor on Tuesday (following up on my recent head injury and emergency visit to the hospital), and I plan to ask for his thoughts on the timing and spacing of these surgeries/procedures. I also want to ask him whether he thinks I need to consult my optometrist or opthamologist (again) before the eye surgery, because of the head injury. So far as I can tell, it hasn't affected my vision at all -- but I did have some initial aches & pains behind my eyes/sinuses, and I have a bit of a black eye (on the side/corner of my left eye and eyelid). 

Nothing is ever simple, is it??    

I have a feeling this is not going to be a great summer, undergoing and recovering from two different surgeries (although I want to get both of them over with ASAP). :(   Also in the mix and stressing me out a bit:  I would really like to spend some time with my parents this summer. We could always go in the fall again, of course (for my sister's 60th birthday in September, or Canadian Thanksgiving in October?), but I haven't been there in the summer since 2019. They have a big yard and garden and need a lot more help these days than they used to. My sister & her partner are out there frequently on weekends (and of course they have their own house and yard to look after), but I feel slightly guilty that it all falls on them. Dh thinks we probably shouldn't travel until after I've had and recovered from all of my surgeries, to minimize the risk of coming down with covid (and then having to postpone...!), and I suppose he's right.  

I said to someone recently that none of my recent medical/health issues -- colonoscopy/polyp removal & biopsy, scarred cornea, gallstones, fall/concussion -- are anything really serious/major (and in most cases there's a solution or something I can do to make things better) -- and thank goodness for that! -- but lately it's just been one thing after another after another. 

It takes a toll.  :(  

*** *** *** 

Update on my fall/concussion: The past few days, I've noticed I'm feeling a lot better than I was. I still feel a dull head ache at times, especially on the left side and especially when I first get up in the morning, and if/when I'm overdoing things a bit. But it's certainly better than it was at this time last week. The gash site/abrasion on my scalp has scabbed over. I'm still being very careful when I wash & comb my hair (and probably will have to be for a while).  My more visible scrapes and bruises (on my left ankle & calf, hip/thigh, elbow and shoulder) are still there and still noticeable, particularly the bruise on/around my left eye, which has turned a rather alarming shade of black & purple. But it's not hugely noticeable, especially at first glance (you might almost think I was wearing dark eye shadow in the crease, lol). 

I feel very, very lucky! 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

The Pandemic Project, Part 5

Back in March 2020, I posted about my voluntary participation in a survey from the University of Texas. The Pandemic Project is studying how people's lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, how they are coping and how reactions are changing over time. 

Each time I've received a survey, I've consented to be contacted for follow up. I received invitations to complete a second survey in May 2020 (and posted about the results here), a third survey in July 2020 (results here) and a fourth in October 2020 (results here). 

Today, 17 months after completing the fourth survey, I received another request to complete a follow-up survey -- my fifth (although the title of the email read "The Pandemic Project Version 7").  :)  The surveys take about 15-20 minutes to complete, and at the end, you receive scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you). 

It's been interesting to track my scores in the same categories from survey to survey to survey! 

• On a scale of 0 to 10, my Social Connection score was 8.2, which is higher than average. "This is a very good sign given the restrictions on social behavior," I was told. I received the same score in the second, third and fourth surveys.  In the first survey, my Social Connection score was not quite as high -- 6.2, or average. 
• My COVID Obsession score was 7.1 -- in the high range. "You may be following the coronavirus stories too much."  (Moi?? lol)  My score was also 7.1 in the second survey I received. It was a whopping 10 out of 10 in the first survey, early on in the pandemic (!), 6 in the third and 4.8 in the fourth. "Yes, the COVID-19 outbreak is stressful. Yes, it’s good to know if there is something new you can do. But don’t overdo it!" I am advised. "Watching or reading too much news about the coronavirus is bad for your health... Limit yourself to watching/reading information about the coronavirus to 30 minutes a day – maybe 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the early evening." 
• My Healthy Habits score was 5.4 -- the same as it was in the last two surveys I received -- which means that my general health habits are about average. In other words, my life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement. This score was down from 6.2 in the first two surveys.  

• My COVID-related Anxiety and Distress score was 7.9 -- in the high range, and my highest score in this category ever, "which suggests that the coronavirus is disrupting your life more than you would like." (Let's just say that after two years of this, yeah, some normalcy would be nice... but I still don't see it happening anytime soon...  :(  ) Previously, my score was 6.7 (mid-range, and similar to the average person), down from 7.3 in the second and third surveys, although up just slightly from 6.6 on the first survey.

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?  (If you haven't taken part yet but this has piqued your curiosity, check it out here.) 

#MicroblogMondays: Home for Christmas during covid

We're here!! Against the odds, dh & I have made it home for Christmas with my family. The pandemic news just kept getting worse and worse all last week:  daily new case numbers in Ontario more than doubled in the space of less than a week:  from 1,536 on Monday (Dec. 15th) to 1,429 on Tuesday, 1,808 on Wednesday, 2,421 on Thursday, 3,124 on Friday, 3,301 on Saturday (the day we were travelling), and 4,177 on Sunday (yesterday).  (The record high new daily case count was 4,800+ in mid-April.) An increasing number of those cases are "breakthrough" cases in fully vaccinated people, albeit to date, it seems few of these wind up in the hospital (thank goodness). 

We decided we'd still go, unless our flight was cancelled or new quarantine restrictions on interprovincial travel were put in place. (Fortunately, that hasn't happened -- so far!)  Ours is not a large family -- just my aging parents, my sister, her partner, dh & me (no spring chickens ourselves...!) -- and I did not want to miss another Christmas together unless I really had to. We never go a lot of places or see a lot of people when we're home at Christmastime anyway. The most I'm expecting to be out & about is a couple of trips to the grocery store while we're here, and maybe a trip to the dollar store for stocking stuffers. We will probably see PND & her family while we're here, but that's about it. She & her dh are double-vaxxed, and both Little Princesses have now had their first vaccines. 

We wore the N95 equivalent masks I'd ordered (recommended by Turia in her comments on this post here -- thanks, Turia!) from the moment we left our condo until we got into my sister's car at the airport there -- about 5-6 hours, door to door (2+ hour flight). They were lightweight, breathable and quite comfortable. Two thumbs up! 

One potential last-minute monkey wrench:  I knew we'd have to present our vaccine "passports"/proof of vaccination with QR codes at some point before boarding -- but I thought that we would just show the officials (on paper or on our phones) while going through security or just before boarding. Nope -- while doing our advance check-in online on Friday morning (on my laptop), I was asked to upload our proof of vaccination. A mad scramble ensued -- where DID I file those PDFs on my laptop? I eventually had to go to the provincial government's website, download them (again) and then try to upload them to the airline. 

Mine, no problem. Dh's -- uh oh.  No matter how many times I tried, I got an error message, something to the effect of "not acceptable." It did say something about resolving the issue at the airport. Obviously, this was stress I did NOT need!!  The only thing I could think of that would make dh's record "not acceptable" was that his booking was made in his "real"/official birth name (the one that's on his birth certificate, passport & driver's license), and his health card/vaccine record is under his nickname/short version. 

(This was something I didn't notice until I took a good look at his vaccine record after trying to upload it. We ran into the sane problem a few years ago when he was applying for his Canada Pension Plan payments, using the Social Insurance Number (SIN) he got when he was a teenager, and wound up having to drive half an hour to a Service Canada office to straighten things out. Who knew, when we applied for/were issued these credentials 40-50 years ago, that someday there would be computers cross-checking them all against each other and flagging discrepancies?? My sister works in financial services and says she sees the same thing happen all the time with clients whose ID doesn't match the exact name that's on their account(s).) 

As it turned out, for all my angst over dh's credentials, he only had to show his proof of vaccination once when we got to the airport -- when we were in line to get into the security area for scanning -- and they didn't even scan the QR code (!).  

Anyway -- we're here. And that's all that matters. :)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Me time!

I'm enjoying something very rare for me these days: a few hours of "me time," alone, at home.  It's BIL's birthday; he's on vacation this week, and he asked dh to come out with him this morning to take some stuff up to Older Nephew's new house and then for a takeout lunch somewhere -- something they can do again, now that they're both fully vaccinated! They'll be gone for a couple of hours, and I am basking in the solitude. 

I suppose some people think that, being childless, dh & I have lots of "me time" to do whatever we like. Well, yes, we do -- more so than a lot of parents, obviously.  But there's "couple time" and "me time" with dh in the house, and there's "me at home alone time" -- there's a difference -- even if I'm doing the exact same things today while I'm at home alone as I would be if dh were here!  There's something about having the entire house/condo to yourself for a while - to be able to turn the TV to whatever channel you please (or off completely), without asking someone else if they mind, to make yourself lunch without the other person asking you what you're having and is there enough for them too, to not be bound to someone else's timetable... 

When we lived in our house, even though it wasn't a huge house, there was space for us to spread out and be apart, if we wanted to -- one of us in the living room or kitchen, the other in the spare bedroom/office upstairs, for example. We still do that sometimes in our condo -- but of course, when you have just 874 square-feet, all on the same level, you're never very far away from each other.  (Despite having increasing difficulty going up & down the stairs in their split-level house, my mother insists that being able to spend time on a different level from my father has saved her sanity, especially during this pandemic, lol.)  

Even before we retired and moved into a condo, and even pre-pandemic, dh & I spent a lot more time together than most couples we know. When we were working (in the same downtown office tower), we tweaked our schedules so that we could drive to the commuter train station together, ride the train into work together, and then meet up at the end of the day and make the reverse trip home together (although there were several nights during the month when one or the other of us had to work late and the other person would head home alone to get dinner started).   Not being plugged into the parent networks in the neighbourhood or local schools or kids' sports, etc., neither of us had much of a social life outside of work or each other. The few non-work friends we did have, as well as family members, were/are spread out across a vast metropolitan area, which made getting together during the week difficult.  

When I used to scrapbook, I would sometimes head to a local scrapbook store and spend a Saturday afternoon working on my pages, sometimes with a friend and sometimes by myself.  And sometimes, if I had a day off,  I'd take the train into the city to go shopping at the Eaton Centre mall by myself.  I'd stop at Starbucks before getting on the homeward bound train and sip my latte and enjoy the view as the train wound its way along the lakeshore. 

Most adult women I know get some "me time" by hopping in the car to run errands or go to the supermarket or the mall by themselves.  That's not an option for me, because (although I have a driver's license), I don't drive.  I've never been a very confident driver (looonnngggg story...), dh has always driven us wherever we needed to go, and I haven't practiced in years. We had a standard transmission car the first few years of our marriage -- and, living in the city, where we could walk or take the subway or streetcar many places, we didn't use it a whole lot (and I would have been a nervous wreck trying to drive in the city anyway...!). Even when we moved to the suburbs and got a car with automatic transmission, it had just become habit for dh to get behind the wheel, and he's always been willing to drive me anywhere I needed to go.  I did start practicing again while I was pregnant -- there was no way I was going to be stuck in the house with a baby while on maternity leave! -- and then -- well, you all know what happened there, and driving got pushed back on my list of priorities again.  

After losing my job/retiring, I started seriously considering investigating some refresher/confidence building lessons -- and then we moved, and then COVID-19 came along and...  (I know -- excuses, excuses...!). I think I would have felt more comfortable trying to drive around Old Community than where we live now -- but, here I am, and I recognize that I really do need to get back behind the wheel again and shed my dependence on dh in this respect.  I don't think you'll ever see me out on the 401 (the major highway/freeway that runs east-west through the north end of Toronto) -- but I'd be happy to build up enough confidence to be able to drive myself to the supermarket and pharmacy and bookstore and to BIL's house, if I had to do it myself. We live on a major rapid transit bus route that connects to the subway system (and passes by the supermarket, pharmacy and bookstore en route), and there's a stop directly outside our building -- but it's not an ideal way to go grocery shopping, right? (I did enough of that when I was a student...!)  

 Anyway. It's a rare "me alone at home" day, and I am enjoying it. :)  

Do you feel like you get enough "me alone at home" time? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Anxious People" by Fredrik Backman

Perhaps a book titled "Anxious People" is not the greatest reading choice when you have anxious tendencies yourself  -- at first glance, anyway, lol. I have to admit I felt a little jittery at times as I read this book. Something about the staccato prose, the repetition, and reading about the personal anxieties of some of the different characters (particularly Zara). 

But I was compelled to read "Anxious People" for several reasons -- first, because it's been on my "to-read" list for quite a while;  second, because it's by Fredrik Backman, who wrote "Beartown," one of the best books I read in 2019 (review here);  third, because it was the June pick for my "Clever Name" online book club. (We'll be meeting via Zoom to talk about it tomorrow.)  

And finally, because one of my friends, in her review on Goodreads, wrote: "Read this book. Stick with it. Seriously won’t regret. There. That’s my review. LOL."

And so I stuck with it -- even though I will admit I struggled a bit, particularly through the first half/two-thirds of the book. There are so many different characters featured (many of them unlikeable -- especially at first), with different back stories, and the time frames shift back and forth between the present and the past. It was hard to keep track and remember all the details -- especially after a day or two or three away from the book.   

But I will admit -- like "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig (review here), this book slowly grew on me, and ultimately won me over.  The closer I got to the end, the more I wanted to keep reading.  Huge props to the author for how he drew together all the different storylines, wove connections among the different characters (who slowly became more likeable as the book went on), and resolved some outstanding questions/mysteries. (I may have to re-read the book just to make sure I caught them all.)  There are some wonderful messages about mental health and kindness, too. 

Oh yeah -- the plot (lol): as the book jacket blurb explains, it's "a poignant comedy about a crime that never took place, a would-be bank robber who disappears into thin air, and eight extremely anxious strangers who find they have more in common than they ever imagined."  

The Goodreads description adds:  "Viewing an apartment normally doesn’t turn into a life-or-death situation, but this particular open house becomes just that when a failed bank robber bursts in and takes everyone in the apartment hostage. As the pressure mounts, the eight strangers begin slowly opening up to one another and reveal long-hidden truths."  

I think that's enough information. :) 

I wound up rating "Anxious People" 5 stars on Goodreads. Maybe more like 4.5, rounded up -- it did give me some jitters, after all.  ;)  But my friend was right. I am glad I stuck with it. :)  

This was Book #34 read to date in 2021 (and Book #2 finished in June), bringing me to 94% of my 2021 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 36 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 17 (!) books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2021 tagged as "2021 books." 

The Pandemic Project, Part 4

Back in March, I posted about my voluntary participation in a survey from the University of Texas. The Pandemic Project is studying how people's lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, how they are coping and how reactions are changing over time. When I responded to the first survey, I consented to be contacted for followup. I received an invitation to complete a second survey in May (and posted about the results here), and a third survey in July (results here).  

I consented to be contacted for another follow-up survey, and received (and completed) my fourth survey today (although the title of the email read "The Pandemic Project Version 5"?).  :)  The surveys take about 15-20 minutes to complete, and at the end, you receive scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you). 

It's been interesting to track my scores in the same categories from survey to survey to survey! 

• On a scale of 0 to 10, my Social Connection score was 7.3, which is higher than average. "This is a very good sign given the restrictions on social behavior," I was told. This is the same score I received in the second survey in May and the third survey in July.  In the first survey, my Social Connection score was not quite as high -- 6.2, or average. 
• My COVID Obsession score was 4.8 this time around -- in the mid-range. My score here has dropped considerably -- from a whopping 10 out of 10 in the first survey in March (!), to 7.1 in the second to 6 in the third. This is a good thing, I think. ;)  (Although I also think that perhaps my U.S. Election Obsession might have taken over, and my score in that department would probably be of more concern...!)  Nevertheless, I've still been advised that "In the days and weeks ahead, it might be healthy to pull back from your habits of watching all of latest news, rumors, theories, and stories about the outbreak... Watching or reading too much news about the coronavirus is bad for your health." 

• My Healthy Habits score was 5.4 -- the same as it was in the July survey -- which means that my general health habits are about average. In other words, my life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement. This score was down from 6.2 in the first two surveys.  

• My COVID-related Anxiety and Distress score was 6.7 -- mid-range, and similar to the average person. "Your score suggests that you have some anxiety and distress about the outbreak which makes sense." This was down from 7.3 in the second and third surveys, although up just slightly from 6.6 on the first survey.

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?  (If you haven't taken part yet but this has piqued your curiosity, check it out here.) 

The Pandemic Project, part 3

Back in March, I posted about my voluntary participation in a survey from the University of Texas. The Pandemic Project is studying how people's lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, how they are coping and how reactions are changing over time. When I responded to the first survey, I consented to be contacted for followup, and I received an invitation to complete a second survey in May (and posted about the results here).  

I consented to be contacted for another follow-up survey, and received (and completed) my third survey today. :)  The surveys take about 15-20 minutes to complete, and at the end, you receive scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you). 

It's been interesting to track my scores in the same categories from survey to survey to survey! 

• On a scale of 0 to 10, my Social Connection score was 7.3, which is higher than average. "This is a very good sign given the restrictions on social behavior," I was told. This is the same score I received in the second survey in May.  In the first survey, my Social Connection score was not quite as high -- 6.2, or average. 
• My COVID Obsession score was 6 this time around -- in the mid-range. My score here has dropped considerably -- from a whopping 10 out of 10 in the first survey in March (!), to 7.1 in the second. This is a good thing, I think. ;)  Nevertheless, I've still been advised that "In the days and weeks ahead, it might be healthy to pull back from your habits of watching all of latest news, rumors, theories, and stories about the outbreak... Watching or reading too much news about the coronavirus is bad for your health." 
• My Healthy Habits score was 5.4 -- which means that my general health habits are about average. In other words, my life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement. This score was actually down from 6.2 in the first two surveys. (We DID start walking again more regularly since the last survey -- but the weather over the past week or two has been way too hot & humid to spend much time outside exercising.) 
• My COVID-related Anxiety and Distress score was 7.3 -- the same score I received in the second survey -- mid-range, and similar to the average person. "Your score suggests that you have some anxiety and distress about the outbreak which makes sense." My score on the first survey was 6.6, which was also said to be average.

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?  (If you haven't taken part yet but this has piqued your curiosity, check it out here.) 

The Pandemic Project, part 2

Back in March, I posted about my participation in a survey from the University of Texas. The Pandemic Project is studying how people's lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, how they are coping and how reactions are changing over time. When I responded to the first survey, I consented to be contacted for followup, and I received an invitation to complete a second survey on Friday. Both surveys take about 15-20 minutes to complete, and at the end, you receive scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you).

• On a scale of 0 to 10, my Social Connection score was 7.3, which is higher than average. "This is a very good sign given the restrictions on social behavior," I was told. In the first survey, my Social Connection score was 6.2, or average. Interesting that it's gone up, because I've been feeling more & more isolated as time as gone on (although I remain quite active & in touch with a lot of people on social media.) 
• My COVID Obsession score is 7.1 -- in the high range, meaning I may be following the coronovirus stories too much. Note, however, that this is an improvement from the first survey, in which my COVID Obsession score was a whopping 10 out of 10! lol 
• My Healthy Habits score is 6.2 , which means that my general health habits are about average. In other words, my life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement. This is exactly the same score I got in the first survey!
• My COVID-related Anxiety and Distress score is 7.3 -- mid-range, and similar to the average person. "Your score suggests that you have some anxiety and distress about the outbreak which makes sense." This is an increase from my first survey score of 6.6, which was also said to be average.

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?  (If you haven't taken part yet but this has piqued your curiosity, check it out here.) 

#MicroblogMondays: The Pandemic Project

I stumbled onto an intriguing site while on Facebook yesterday (via the page of Rona Maynard, a Canadian writer/journalist I have long admired)(she's the sister of Joyce Maynard, the novelist/memoirist whose "Looking Back" is one of the books that has most influenced my own life & writing). Researchers at the University of Texas have embarked on a study of how everyday lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, and how people are coping.

The Pandemic Project is looking for volunteers to complete a 10-15 minute online questionnaire about how they are responding to the current coronavirus outbreak. At the end of the survey questionnaire, you get scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you.)

This was interesting.

I scored 6.2 on Social Connection, which is average. Dh & I are pretty socially isolated even in non-COVID times -- being retired while the rest of the world works (or at least many of our family members and friends), for one thing...! -- but he speaks with his brother on the phone just about every day, and I'm in constant contact with lots of friends online (even if it is just to like or share or comment on their posts on social media).

I also scored 6.2 on Healthy Habits categories, which is average. "Your life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement," my results say.  Ummmm....  ;)  We definitely could be getting out to walk & stretch our legs more (again, even pre-COVID). We've had the excuse of winter weather for the past several months, and lots of construction around us for the past few years -- but those excuses have mostly vanished with the end of construction and the advent of spring. (Although I woke up to snow AGAIN this morning...!)

My Anxiety & Distress score is 6.6, also within average range. "Your score suggests that you have some anxiety and distress about the outbreak which makes sense. [No sh**, Sherlock...] In the weeks ahead, if your distress increases, there are a number of actions you can take."

My Covid Obsession score, however, was 10 (!!).  "Watching or reading too much news about the coronavirus is bad for your health," my results say (boldface theirs!).  What can I say, I'm a media junkie... but I guess it's time to turn off the TV/screen for a while...!  (And maybe pick up a book, which I haven't done since this whole situation began unfolding.)

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

#MicroblogMonday: Waiting

Still no baby (great-nephew)... 

(And that's about as "micro" a post as you're ever likely to get from me!  lol) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Score!!

Getting tickets for the upcoming Toronto visit of the touring company of "Hamilton" was an exercise in nerves and patience. I'm just very glad I didn't have to take my blood pressure during the process...! 

First dibs on the tickets went to Mirvish company season ticket subscribers. I know some people who bought season tickets well over a year ago, specifically so they'd be guaranteed their preferred seats again for THIS year, and thus guaranteed access to "Hamilton" tickets. I love live theatre, but season tickets (and I like to get good seats when I go to the theatre, if I can) are pretty expensive, and obviously some productions interest me more than others.

So I passed on that, but got my name on the Mirvish email list. A block of tickets specifically for list subscribers went on sale this past weekend (American Express cardholders got their shot at the tickets on Sunday, and sales to the general public began today) and, as per the emailed instructions, I double-checked my log-in and account information in advance, and then checked into the virtual waiting room before 10 a.m. on Saturday.  When 10 a.m. rolled around, we were all randomly placed into a virtual queue, waiting our turn for the chance to buy tickets (limit of 4 per person).

At 10 a.m., I was #5382 in line, with an estimated wait time of more than an hour. (I posted a screen shot on social media... dh's cousin's daughter told me I was 20,000 ahead of her!! Yikes!  I felt a little less sorry for myself after that...!) I figured I had time to take a shower, so I did (cellphone close at hand!). An hour later, the line ahead of me was down to 3,300 people... and my ETA was just under an hour. I started to feel hopeful.

My turn finally came up around the 1.5 hour mark -- which was really not that bad, I thought. Each page I clicked on loaded soooooooo slowly, though... I only had 20 minutes to choose my dates & seats, and then 10 minutes to arrange payment. I just had to grit my teeth and wait and resist the urge to click & reclick or (suicide!!) try to reload the page.

The available dates on the first page that loaded were all in February... and most had a red or yellow light beside them (no tickets/limited availability).  My understanding was that the best availability would be later in the run (April/May).... so I clicked on page 6 (the last one listed) to load to see where that would take me. It brought up some dates in May (toward the end of the run), and I chose a matinee performance with a "green light" beside it ( = good seats still available).  I was NOT going to pay top price ($499 per seat!!) but I did get tickets (still pricey, but somewhat more reasonable) in the first row of the balcony/mezzanine, left-hand side of the stage. *Should* be pretty good. :)  I breathed a deep sigh of relief as I finally printed off my confirmation screen and shared the "I scored #Hamilton tickets" meme on my Instagram & Facebook, lol. (Personally, I think it should have said something more like "I survived the Hamilton tickets purchase process," lol.)

Later, scanning Twitter & the news headlines, I realized that I'd been pretty lucky (for once in my life in buying tickets!)... lots of people reporting that the site crashed or loaded so slowly that they timed out & had to go to the back of the line and start all over again. (Dh's cousin's daughter, who was 20,000 in line behind me, did get tickets, after 5 hours waiting for her turn to come up.)  The block of available tickets for email list subscribers sold out before the 12-hour allotted window closed.

Maybe the best part? Our tickets are for a certain weekend in May. Mother's Day weekend, to be exact. Happy Mother's/Voldemort Day weekend to me!! lol  ;)

Have you seen "Hamilton"? (Do you care??  lol)

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

The universe is screwing with me, big time

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that our Older Nephew & his wife are expecting their first child -- our first great-niece/nephew (gender soon to be revealed here! ;)  ).  And that her due date is exactly ONE DAY apart from my own, 21 years ago (November 15, 2019 vs November 14, 1998) -- meaning I am going through this pregnancy with her, reliving my own doomed pregnancy in the exact same time frame.

It's been hard at times -- but the hardest part -- getting through that first week of August, and August 5th & 7th in particular (the day I learned Katie's heart had stopped beating, and the day I delivered her -- the "official" date that's on all the paperwork) -- is yet to come.

And it just got harder.

She's had some difficulty making the transition from her family doctor's care to an ob-gyn -- her original choice was booked solid and not taking any more patients at the moment -- but she was finally able to get a referral and an appointment to another ob-gyn.

JUST GUESS when her first appointment is.

Yep -- August 7th.

This obviously adds to the my levels of anxiety on their behalf around those dates.  It amps up the emotions & stress I'm generally feeling around then.  It also adds a certain level of guilt to anything I want to share about my/our own thoughts & activities to remember our daughter then.

I don't often mention Katie, our loss (or pg loss in general), or our involuntary childlessness on social media (let alone "in real life" conversations with non-ALI friends & family members) -- but there are a few times during the year that I feel compelled/entitled to do so:  Mother's & Father's Day. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day/Month in October. Sometimes around what should have been her birthday in November.

And August 7th.

Now I'm feeling like I can't do anything, at least this year. If I post anything on THIS August 7th, it will only serve to remind our niece and nephew (not to mention BIL & SIL) that not all pregnancies have a happy outcome, and increase their anxiety around this initial ob-gyn visit/checkup. Of course, they already know what happened to us -- they know about pregnancy loss, in a theoretical way (just like we all did, until it actually happened to us...!) -- but would posting about our daughter then be like rubbing it in their faces at a critical time? BIL keeps saying he just wants them to "relax" and warns all of us not to do or say anything that will stress them out too much. I don't believe he was thinking of dh & me or talking about Katie specifically -- but I'm sure anything I say or post that day might well be taken the wrong way.

If it were anyone else but our nephew & his wife, I wouldn't be so anxiety-laden on this point -- but I adore those kids and would never want to do anything to hurt them or add to their stress levels right now.

(I suppose I could still post something, and fiddle with the privacy settings to prevent them & other family members from seeing it -- but I've never done that before, and it seems rather complicated.)

I kicked dh under the table when the date was mentioned. He didn't clue in WHY I did that until later, when I mentioned this to him (duh -- men!!).  He reminded me that, apart from some headaches, nausea and heartburn, and one fall, over a month ago, she's had a much better/far more normal pregnancy so far than I did. (By this point in my pregnancy, we knew things were not progressing normally... things were very much up in the air.) The baby has been healthy & growing at every ultrasound & checkup so far. The mom is already much bigger than I was at this point. That's all good. There's absolutely no logical reason to believe that the similarity in dates means the outcomes will be similar too. (In fact, there's a huge part of me that believes that OF COURSE, things will be fine -- everyone ELSE due on/around Nov. 15th gets to walk away with a live, healthy baby -- just not me.)

It's just hard. :(

No doubt there will be more anxiety-laden posts to come from me between now & August 7th.  (I'm grateful that we're going to be away for 2+ weeks between now & then -- out of sight, out of mind? -- although I'm sure it's going to hit me big time when we get back...!) Thanks in advance for your patience & any support you can lend between now & then (as well as prayers & positive vibes for the parents-to-be & their baby, of course).

#MicroblogMondays: Fear, relief and revelations

Friday night, I was checking Instagram, and our 17-weeks-pregnant niece-in-law (Older Nephew's wife) had posted a photo of a glum looking puppy curled up beside her, with the caption "Home from the hospital and this little weenie won't leave my side."

!!!WTF??!!  Dh immediately dialled BIL. Apparently she fell as she was walking up the cement steps at the side of BIL's house from their walkout basement apartment to street level, on her way to work that morning. :(  Landed on her side, not her stomach. Nephew drove her to emergency, where they spent several hours and finally got an ultrasound.

All is well (although it's going to take me a while to truly believe it, and to peel myself off the ceiling...!).

(Nephew was terrified. His dad told him to get used to it, this is parenthood...!)

On a lighter note -- not only did they confirm that baby was OK, they were able to learn its gender. They're not telling anyone yet, though -- they want to have a gender reveal party, possibly on the Canada Day long weekend. (Oh joy!!  :p ) 

(Although -- I wouldn't be surprised if Nephew spills the beans before then, lol -- NONE of the men in that family, including dh & BIL, can keep a secret!!  ;) -- neither could my late FIL.)

I've never been to a gender reveal party -- my own pregnancy was almost 10 years pre-Facebook & other social media, and well before the advent of such Instagram & Pinterest-inspired events. ;)  Have you been to one? Does one bring a gift? Details, please!

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Guilt trips

This past week -- after consulting my mom & my sister, and much agonizing over airline websites, considering different dates, flights, times, etc. -- I finally booked our trip west to see my family next month (which will include my dad's 80th birthday celebrations). I emailed the details to everyone concerned (parents, sister, etc.) and was feeling rather pleased with myself for crossing that item off my to-do list.

Until the next evening, when my dad called: "Why don't you change your flight & stay an extra week?  You don't have anything else going on, do you?" He mentioned helping eat up the garden vegetables (bribery!! lol) & spending more time with the Little Princesses, who will only be around for part of our scheduled visit.  

Awww, Dad....!  Talk about mixed emotions. 

I teared up while we were talking. He always wants us to stay longer than we do. ;)  They don't have any grandkids' visits to look forward to. There's just my sister & me (and our partners).  Dh & I generally get there twice a year, for a week or two at a time. 

I also suspect (I know!!) part of the reason he wants us to stay longer is that he & my mother are finding it harder these days to keep up with everything that needs doing around the house & the yard... they could use our help. 

Part of me feels guilty for not just saying "Of course!" It IS his 80th birthday, after all.  Knock wood, there will be many more birthdays to come... but logically, I know there won't be as many as I would want...  

It's true, we don't have anything going on here that we need to be back for during that extra week. (Obviously, we don't have any kids or their activities to worry about.) It's a lot easier to leave a condo for an extended period of time than it was to leave our house -- no lawn to mow, for one thing.  BIL is close enough to pop by & empty the mailbox and check on our unit now & then. 

I checked the fine print on our ticket advice:  to change our flights would cost $50 per person per direction (= $100) -- plus any difference in the cost of the tickets themselves, of course. 

BUT. On the flip side...

I'll admit that part of me was a little pissed off (NOW you tell me??).   

I always agonize over picking dates & flights and getting everything organized -- and I'm getting anxiety all over again, just thinking about going in & trying to change everything.  The fear of screwing up looms large...! 

Plus -- three weeks away is a pretty long time -- & we do have a life here & our own home to tend to.

Plus, it's not just three weeks away from here -- it's three weeks IN my aging parents' smallish house (with my sister & her partner also there for part of that time), in a small town (where I only lived briefly myself, 35 years ago) without a whole lot to do -- and with the added stress of a party to plan and carry out.  Can we stay that long without everyone getting on each others' nerves?? (Let's just say it's happened before, and in shorter time frames...!) 

There's the possibility that I (or both of us) might make another trip around (Canadian) Thanksgiving again.  Last year, my sister & I went to see Paul McCartney;  this year, she has two tickets to one of Elton John's farewell tour concerts, and one of them is mine if I want it.  (And of course we will be going back in December for a week or more at Christmas.) 

And next summer is my parents' 60th wedding anniversary (!), and possibly a family reunion to attend too. I said to dh that maybe we could plan to stay a bit longer then -- maybe make it a road trip again, like we did a few summers ago. 

Guilt may yet win out ;)  -- but right now, I'm leaning towards just sticking to the current agenda.   

*** *** *** 

One other guilt-related item:  a Facebook friend recently posted a photo of her grandkids on social media recently with the caption, "The joys of being a grandmother."  

I could not bring myself to "like" it. 

That night, I had a dream/nightmare... I can't remember the whole thing or just what the issue was -- but in the dream, she was mad at me!!  lol  Even in my dreams, I feel guilty!! 

A life worth living

Cathy at Slow Swimmers and Fried Eggs mentioned to me and a couple of other childless-not-by-choice bloggers this week that she's had several alarming comments recently that have deeply concerned her, on a post she wrote last year about the links between infertility, depression and suicide. Here's a sampling of some of the sentiments she's received:

• I feel like if I can’t have a child, I just want to die.
• i struggle daily with just wishing my life would end.
• I want to go to sleep and never wake up... What’s the purpose of living.
• Why do I have to wake up and face the day when i really don’t want to continue like this.
• [I] am glad I found this blog, I found it because I googled infertility and suicide... I feel I am a waste of breath, I too want to just not wake up in the morning. If my parents weren’t alive I would find a way to make sure I didn’t wake up to face another day of this. 

Please go over, have a read, and perhaps leave a sympathetic/encouraging comment for these women. These comments break my heart. :(

Personally (and very happily), I don't know of anyone who killed themselves over infertility and/or childlessness.  I have, however, read of a such few cases -- often in developing countries where women's lives are generally not highly valued, and childless women's lives even less so. :(   And I've encountered a few women in infertility/pregnancy loss circles, both online & "real life," who have been deeply depressed and expressed the feeling that life without children was not worth living -- which really worried me (enough that I talked to our support organization's main office about my concerns a few times). :(

It's not entirely surprising that some women would feel a childless life is not worth living.  Think about the messages we are constantly bombarded with, from family, friends, marketers, politicians, which glorify pregnancy, babies, motherhood, "family values." Our society in the western world is perhaps not quite as chauvinistic or overtly pronatalist as it is in those developing countries I mentioned -- but the pressure (subtle and not-so-subtle) for women to have children is definitely (still) there. Those who deviate from the norm -- by choice or circumstance -- are objects of curiosity and concern, pity and paternalism, sometimes even derision and scorn. Young women here are encouraged to seek higher education and build careers -- but if they reach a certain age without finding a husband/partner and then producing a couple of adorable children, you'd better believe they will hear about it. Yes, parents complain that they don't receive enough practical support for the difficult and valuable task of raising children -- and perhaps rightly so -- but they still benefit -- in ways I don't think many (if not most) imagine or appreciate -- from social approval of parenthood, and a society that has been structured around the traditional family model. It's only when you're on the outside looking in that you begin to realize just how much our society revolves around parents and kids -- and how much childless/free people (particularly women) are ignored and devalued.

I know what it's like to live without the children I (like most women) assumed I would have. This year marks 20 years since the stillbirth of our daughter, and 20 years since I went looking for -- and finding -- support, first for pregnancy loss, and later still for surviving permanent involuntary childlessness. I tried to offer as much support as I could in return. I am definitely NOT a professional -- but my husband & I spent 10 years facilitating a pregnancy loss support group (which included many women & men who were also dealing with infertility issues), and I've spent 10 years blogging here about life after pregnancy loss & infertility -- the good, the bad, and the in-between.  I have never come close to killing myself -- but I struggled with awful anxiety attacks, post-infertility treatment. So I've been through a lot myself -- and I've heard a lot of stories from others, too.

Deep down, I always felt that I could have a good life without children -- because I already did, up to the point we started trying to conceive. I grew up proudly feminist, and I knew that I was more than my uterus -- that my life had value, beyond any children that I managed to produce (or didn't produce).

But damn, some days it was really hard to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life, if I wasn't going to be a mother. And society certainly doesn't make it easy for us. It's a lonely place to be in, when you're the only one of your peers who doesn't have kids, while friends and family members pop out baby after baby, with what seems to be very little thought or effort. Plus, the pain of involuntarily childlessness is a taboo subject -- and it can be difficult to find family members and friends who truly understand or can empathize with what we're going through.

Happily, though, you do NOT have to do this alone.  It is much, MUCH easier to find women in the same or similar situations -- both online & in "real life" -- than it was when I left treatment 17 years ago, or even when I started blogging 10 years ago.  If you scroll down the sidebar on the right-hand side of this page, you will find my blogrolls -- three of them, including one listing my favourite blogs about pregnancy loss, infertility & adoption;  one for blogs that deal specifically with childlessness-not-by-choice;  and one for some thoughtful blogs I read & like about living childfree by choice.  I've also listed some online communities, message boards, and other resources that I've found helpful. such as Life Without Baby and Gateway Women.

And sometimes, when you're really struggling, it's a good idea to call in the professionals. Yes, it can be expensive, but there are many counsellors who work on a sliding scale/pay what you can afford basis, and there are some companies that offer mental health counselling through their employee assistance programs (both options that I benefited from personally).  There are a growing number of counsellors who specialize in helping women & couples who are dealing with grief, pregnancy loss, infertility and childlessness issues. I saw one such counsellor myself a couple of times -- but I was also lucky enough to see a couple of other professionals at different points of my journey who weren't necessarily experienced in those particular issues, but who were nevertheless sympathetic and helpful. I've heard a couple of horror stories from friends about some spectacularly unhelpful counsellors, supposedly professionals, who Just Did Not Get It.  Please don't give up if this happens to you!  Sometimes you have to try a couple of times before you find someone you "click" with.

There is life without children -- a life that's worth living. It might take a while, but things do get better. Eventually!

*** *** ***

I had this post fully written and ready to post -- and then I saw this post by Andrea Manning on Still Mothers (a blog for living childless after loss):  When It Becomes Too Much.

I don't know who Andrea is referring to here, but my heart sank as I read her words. Please read, leave a comment, discuss on your blogs and among your friends. Let's bring this issue out into the open, and let others who might be suffering in silence know that we understand, that we care, and that they are not alone.  :(