25 (!!) years of childless living

25 years ago today (!), while licking the wounds (physical, mental, emotional) inflicted by five-ish years of trying and failing to conceive a baby -- including three years of unsuccessful fertility treatments plus a stillbirth at 26 weeks -- I took my first concrete step toward acceptance of the new reality I found myself facing: I posted my story on the Childless Living message board on a now-defunct site called iVillage.  (I've been sharing my story here on this blog since fall 2007 -- coming up to 19 years now!)  

I started writing a "25 years later/things I've learned about life without children" post -- and then I realized I was repeating myself:  I already wrote many of the same things five years ago, in a post titled "20 years of childless living."  Have a read there!  

There is life (and joy) without children.  Not better, not worse than being a parent. Just different.  

Thank you all for being part of my journey so far on this road less travelled!  

What lessons/advice from your own childless living experiences would  you add?  

#MicroblogMondays: Ahhhhhh.... summer....

I've noticed that the flood of emails and other online distractions demanding my (increasingly limited -- erk...) attention slow to a trickle on weekends (and holidays).  And so I was able to carve out some time over this past weekend (and a couple of afternoons during the week as well) to just put down the phone/laptop, grab a book and a drink, and head out to the balcony for an hour or so to read.  The weather was pleasant (not too hot and/or humid -- although that's supposed to change over the next few days...!), the balcony remained shady until about 4:45 PM, and there wasn't a lot of ambient noise coming from the usually busy main road in front of the building or from the neighbourhood.  Ahhhhh....  what a nice kickoff to summer!  (Long may it continue...!).

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends

• Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of prom, graduation and last day of school photos on social media this week??  (In Canada/North America, anyway -- I know different countries have different school year calendars!) It's been going on in dribs & drabs over the past month or so, as the school year wound down, and I've been doing OK so far -- but today/tomorrow is the last day of school hereabouts, plus lots of grads & proms this week, and it's like I've reached the saturation point…! 

• Mel is marking a big milestone over at Stirrup Queens! Go over and congratulate (and thank) her!  

• Sue Fagalde Lick at "Can I Do it Alone?" recently landed in the hospital :(  Go wish her well and read some of her posts from the past month about what happened and what childless seniors living alone can do to better cope with these crises. 

• On a related note:  Jody Day was interviewed about her Alterkin project, aging as a childless person, and aging generally, as part of an article on aging in The Atlantic! Here's a gift link for "Americans Are in Denial About Elder Care." (Not just Americans...) 

• Jody Day also flagged this thought-provoking article from "The Shift by Sam Baker" -- a guest post from Kim Willis:  "Stop calling me 'child-free'." 
• I wrote a similarly themed post in the early days of this blog, almost 19 (!) years ago (and have returned to the subject several times since then):  "Am I childLESS or childFREE?"

• Nora McInerny reminds all of us who take photos to "Get in the picture." (That includes those of us without kids -- a subject I have written about in the past -- here, for example.)  

I’m only asking you to consider that with the exception of the worst people in the world, life is tragically short. Someday, you will look upon this version of yourself and see yourself through new eyes. Eyes that might need bifocals or cataract surgery, but eyes that still work well enough to see that you, with that rogue chin hair or the jeans that Gen Z TikTokkers are trying to bully you out of wearing are more beautiful than you know.

Someday you will long for the version of you that exists today, however flawed you believe her to be. Give future you something to marvel over, grab your Cybershot, and get in the picture.

• “Everything happens for a reason.” Or does it?  Lexi Weber Johnson at "Not Expecting" explains why this is not a helpful thing to say to someone who is grieving. 

Underneath the “everything happens for a reason” line is something more universal: a discomfort with uncertainty. We want life to make sense. We want outcomes to add up. We want suffering to belong to a larger story. Because the reality that some things simply happen, full stop, is harder to bear.

• Jennie Agg at Life, Almost says "I can't keep up." (She is singing my song...!)
• Jennie also has thoughts on "Trimester Zero" (!). ("Let's not do this.") 
  

• I haven't quite lost all my elders yet -- I still have my dad, and most of my dad's siblings, and my maternal uncle's wife, and several of my mother's cousins (and am thankful for every day I still have them all in my life). But I found myself nodding vigorously as I read Cyndie Spiegel's post from "Life, Created" ("v. 70 One Day You Realize That There's No One Left to Ask"). 
• I have been feeling this keenly since my mom's death in January, and the task of sorting through several generations' worth of possessions. More and more, I feel my past slipping through my fingers and receding into the distance. And I'm mourning that loss alongside the loss of my mom.  

"The Mitford Affair" by Marie Benedict

My latest read is "The Mitford Affair" by Marie Benedict, a book recommended by my book club co-host (and a potential future read with the group). I already knew a bit about the six Mitford sisters -- offspring of a well-connected British family, who came to prominence as young women in pre-World War II -- and I've long wanted to read more about them. 

"The Mitford Affair" focuses on the family's three eldest daughters in alternating, short chapters:  Nancy, the oldest, who narrates her sections in the first person; Diana, the family's golden girl, who leaves her Guinness heir husband for the (married!) British fascist leader, Oswald Mosley; and Unity, a misfit whose zealous devotion to fascism and the Nazi Party takes her to Germany, where she develops a relationship with the Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler. (Next-youngest sister Jessica, known as Decca, plays a lesser role in the story -- she's a dedicated Communist, in contrast to Diana & Unity's fascism -- while younger sisters Pamela and Deborah and brother Tom are barely seen or heard from.)  

The book follows the family, and the three oldest sisters in particular, from 1932 to 1941, and explores the growing tensions between Diana and Unity's increasing devotion to the Nazi cause and Nancy's increasing unease with it -- which comes to a climax when the war begins.  

This was the first book I've read by Marie Benedict, who has written other historical novels focused on interesting women, including actress/scientist Hedy Lamarr, physicist Mitza Maric Einstein, scientist Rosalind Franklin, author Agatha Christie, and Lady Clementine Churchill (a cousin of the Mitfords who also pops up in "The Mitford Affair," along with her husband Winston -- also a cousin to the family). It was a little on the long side, and could probably have been a bit shorter. The constant back and forth between the different characters' stories and viewpoints felt a bit choppy at times, and I was slightly annoyed at first by all the nicknames the sisters have for each other and the people around them, until I finally got them all straight....! 

That said, despite its length and the shifting viewpoints, this was, overall, a fast, easy and interesting read that kept me turning the pages, especially near the end, and especially once the war began in 1939. I finished it in just three days.  (Dare I say, Nancy's struggles to understand her sisters' obsession with a charismatic but volatile leader and his distasteful political philosophy resonated with this modern-day reader...!)  And now, having read this fictional account of the Mitfords' lives, I'm curious to read something on the non-fiction side about them to learn more :) -- and perhaps also read a novel or two by Nancy Mitford, some of which are mentioned in the book.   

I was initially thinking 3.5 stars on StoryGraph and debating whether to round up or down on Goodreads -- but the last 20% or so of the book prompted me to assign 4 stars even.   

ALI/CNBC note: There's a subplot related to Nancy's efforts -- ultimately unsuccessful -- to have children. CNBC readers will relate to Nancy's encounters with her more fertile, pregnant sisters.     

This was Book #12 read to date in 2026 (and Book #2 finished in June), bringing me to 30% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 5 books behind pace to meet my goal.  :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books." 

Recent odds & ends

• World Childless Week (WCW) has announced the daily topics for WCW 2026 (Sept. 14th to 20th).  Learn more about WCW 2026 and how you can get involved here.   
• In a blog post for the World Childless Week website, Gayle Letherby offers "Some Reflections on Being ‘Other'." 
• Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless: So Now What?" poses an important question: "When IVF Fails Again and Again: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?" 
• Lexi Weber at "Not Expecting" shares five observations about infertility (including that "Infertility makes you weird at brunch").  
• PJ is "In Transition" -- and yes, PJ, this all definitely sounds familiar!!  (Read her post and a few of my latest, and you'll understand why...!)  
• Every now & then, a long-dormant blog on my blogroll will pop to the top of the list with a new post. "Tips on Triplets" re-emerged recently with a post ("Trauma Chameleon") looking at the lingering effects of loss and trauma, 15 years later. 
• Y'all know I love the Flavia de Luce novels by Canadian author Alan Bradley. Sadly, I learned through one of my book clubs (where we read the first Flavia book together which was happily very well received!) that Bradley died on May 19th at age 87. How he managed to channel an 11-year-old girl (from 1950s UK -- when he'd never set foot there before he wrote the first book!) so incredibly well will remain a mystery...!  
• Very happily, he left one final Flavia novel for us:  "Numb Were the Beadsman's Fingers," available on Nov. 3rd.  :)  Also, "Flavia" the movie (based on the first Flavia book, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie") will be released in North America on Dec. 4th! (It's been out in the UK since early April.)  

(SOME of the) Things I found while helping to empty out my parents' house

My parents were married for more than 65 years, and lived in the house that just sold (and is closing at the end of this month) for 42 years. During that time, they also helped clear a couple of other people's houses (and accumulated some stuff from those places) -- most notably the house my mom grew up in, which was built by her grandparents/my great-grandparents after their marriage in 1904, and bulldozed in early 1998. (My grandparents had moved in the early 1980s, to an apartment and later to the care home in town, but there was still a lot of stuff left in the house until just a few years before it was torn down.). 

Neither my mom, nor my grandmother, were very good about throwing things away (to put it mildly...). In a nutshell, there was (and still is) a LOT of STUFF to go through!  My sister & I started going through closets while I was still there in December/January, and she has continued the work over the past few months (mostly on weekends, because she's still working and lives about an hour away). By the time I got there a few weeks ago, the pile of boxes in the closet assigned to me to go through had grown quite a bit since my sister sent me the photo I used in this post) -- and of course there were still other closets and cupboards to empty too. 

Some of the stuff was mine. (I'm a bit of a packrat too -- although moving to and living in a condo has forced me to do better...! And suffice to say, I would not want to leave a similar amount of stuff behind for the nephews to go through, after I've gone...!)  My sister & I have done two or three weed-outs of our stuff at Mom & Dad's in the past, but there was still a LOT there that needed to be sorted through and disposed of. Somewhat miraculously, I managed to pare down what was there enough to fit into one box (after filling a suitcase to take home with me -- also miraculously, it did NOT exceed the airline's weight limit!!).  My sister and her partner have agreed to keep the box for me for one year. I figure I'll be heading back in July and likely again at Christmastime, and should be able to bring what's left home with me over the next two or three visits.    

It was physically tiring work, but emotionally exhausting too. (Kleenex was required.)  All these things, saved and treasured by my mom & grandmother (and great-grandmother) for all these years... and now it was up to my sister & me (both childless -- the buck stopped with us) to decide what the heck to do with it all.  

We sorted things into several different piles:  

• keep (for Dad's apartment, my sister or me, or possibly PND), 
• ask our cousins if they want it (not likely, as they just finished emptying out THEIR parents' & other grandparents' houses!), 
• recycle, 
• take to the local thrift store,
• take to the local library (books),
• possibly sell? (PND's dad sells vintage stuff through his eBay store -- he got some jaw-dropping prices for our old Barbie dolls and their clothes!). 
• I also set aside a few things I thought should be offered to the museum in the Minnesotan county where my mom's family is from.  (Not sure how or when we can get things to them, since neither my sister nor I are anxious to cross the border anytime soon...)
• Sadly, many of the things we found had to be tossed -- but I did take a lot of photos of some of the more interesting or memorable items. 

Among the things we found:  

• Tchotchkes upon tchotchkes... decorations for all seasons! (My sister is keeping some of the Christmas decorations for now, since Dad has expressed an interest in having a small tree in his apartment.)  
• At least four or five (mostly) complete sets of dishes, some of which my dad & sister took. The rest went to the thrift store.  
• Drinking glasses (some of them chipped and cracked -- we gleefully tossed those -- we'd been trying to get our mom to throw them out for years!!).  And lots of coffee mugs.  We took the ones that get used the most over to Dad's apartment.  
• We found an entire set of vintage early 1960s highball glasses that I dimly remember from my childhood, wrapped in newspaper and packed away in a box in the garage. I don't think it had been opened since Mom & Dad moved in, 42 years ago. When we realized what was in the box, we closed it up again and set it aside to go straight to the local thrift store.  
• An entire box (plus an entire drawer) filled with vintage recipe books that belonged to both our Mom and Grandma, as well as their boxes of recipe cards and piles of recipes written on random pieces of paper. My sister set most of these aside to go through later. 
• (There was also a stack of recipes in our great-grandmother's handwriting -- most of them in pencil and barely readable. Sadly, most of these got tossed.)  
• More empty plastic margarine tubs and casserole dishes than anyone will ever have use for.   
• Piles of towels and sheets, worn threadbare -- as well as some that were like new and barely or never used?? 
• What seemed to be every single greeting card my grandmother ever received, dating back to at least the 1940s. (Grandma, I love you, but seriously??)  
• Umpteen vintage postcards, some of them signed (some by family members), but many of them blank. (These may ultimately get tossed, but my sister is going to look into whether they're worth anything.) 
• Boxes & boxes and piles & piles of old photos (both our family's and Grandma's), dating back to the late 1800s. Some identified or identifiable, but many sadly not. (My sister is going to arrange to have them scanned, or as many as possible, but says she can't keep all the originals, which makes me cringe.)  
• Tax receipts and receipts from local businesses in my mom's/grandmother's hometown, dating back to the early 1900s, including some for my great-great grandmother's house.  (Those got tossed.) 
• My grandmother's report cards from school. (She wasn't a particularly good student!) 
• All of MY report cards from school! (I took these home with me.)  
• Letters and paperwork related to my medical history as a child, including a couple of vaccination records. (Ditto above.)  
• A box containing my childhood/teenaged/young adult diaries & journals and assorted other writing. This was a huge relief, as I'd been looking for these on previous visits home and they were not where I thought they should be. There were a lot more notebooks than I'd remembered, and they made a HEAVY pile!  I took some of the earliest (and likely funniest) ones home with me and will bring the rest on future visits. 
• I didn't have time to go through them, but I did glance into a couple (and shook my head -- "He's not worth all the angst, teenage Loribeth!"). 
• I may toss some or all of them eventually, but I would like the chance to look through them more closely first, and I didn't have time to do that then. 
• I did immediately toss one notebook filled with really bad, cringeworthy teenage poetry. Yikes!!  lol  
• I'd tossed most of my school notebooks, etc., during previous clearouts -- but I'd still kept several scrapbooks, projects, etc., plus programs from high school band concerts, drama productions, etc. and many of the essays I'd written.  I think I kept every university essay too.  I tossed almost all of them, but took photos of some of the grades and teacher/prof comments. 
• I had to chuckle/shake my head when I looked at the titles/topics of some of the papers (which sounded strangely familiar/current...!):  Quebec separatism, western Canadian alienation, the rise of the Moral Majority and evangelical churches' influence in U.S. politics, Trudeau's record as prime minister (Pierre, obviously -- Justin was a child at the time!)...  Plus ca change...! 
• On a Grade 12 essay on Shakespeare's Hamlet, my teacher dryly observed, "So much story here to get to the point you wish to make."  I took a photo of that comment -- touchez, Mr. P!  (Dh will tell you things haven't improved over the past 45+ years...!  lol and ouch!) 
• A stack of vintage 1970s Osmonds bubble gum cards. 
• A stack of all the 1970s-era 45s my sister & I owned (separately & jointly, pooling our allowances). 
• LPs: I already had most of mine (and gave them to Older Nephew when we moved into our condo), but there were still plenty owned by my sister, ones we owned jointly (lots of Archies, Partridge Family, Osmonds, Bay City Rollers, K-Tel compilations), Christmas albums (many of them gifts from our grandparents), and ones that were my mom's. 
• Beautiful church certificates from my great-grandparents' 1904 marriage, as well as similar baptism certificates for several of their children, including my grandmother. 
• Guest books for both my grandparents' funerals, my great-uncle's funeral and my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party.  
• Stacks of letters/notes that my grandparents wrote to each other in the years between when they started going out together (late 1920s) until their marriage in 1937. This floored me, because they lived in the SAME SMALL TOWN during almost all of that time!!  Many of them didn't even seem to have been mailed (no envelopes, just names written on the back of carefully folder pages.  I'm guessing they passed notes to each other in the hallways at school, or had them delivered by friends?  
• Another (smaller) pile of letters.... from other girls to my grandfather (!!).  Flirtatious ones too, from what I gathered at a glance. (No time to sit and read all this stuff, even if I wanted to!)  
• This also floored me for two reasons:  (1) My understanding was my grandparents only ever had eyes for each other... apparently not!  (2)  My grandmother actually KEPT these letters from her rivals in her house??!  
• A vintage 1899 single-page "love letter" in beautiful handwriting, from my great-grandfather to my great-grandmother (!), apparently in the early days of their courtship. She was leaving on a trip west:  he laments that their acquaintance to date has been too brief, and ends by asking her to "Please do not forget your [name]."  Awww..... 
• A pile of letters and V-mails from my great-uncle (my grandmother's younger brother) from when he served in Italy during World War II, as well as his induction notice, discharge papers and other related paperwork. He never married or had children... lived a quiet, unassuming life with my grandparents after he returned from the war, and worked on a local honey farm as a beekeeper, until his untimely death at age 58.
• Also:  my grandfather's induction notice, and his medical board rejection notice (!). 
• Also:  a stack of my great-grandmother's wartime ration books (!) -- WITH coupons still inside them!!  
• I insisted to my sister that these need to be donated to the county museum. I think I've convinced her.  (I hope.)  I took photos of one of the letters, but I wish I'd had time to read more of them.  
• An entire box filled with letters my mom wrote to my dad (!) and her pre-dad boyfriend/fiance from nursing school (she was there one year before getting married), as well as a diary. Yes, I was curious!  But -- my sister & I decided there are some things you probably shouldn't know about your parents (especially when one of them is still around), and agreed these needed to go, unread. 
• My mother's 1960 wedding dress (short, pale blue) and several vintage 1950s prom/bridesmaid dresses.  The wedding dress sadly had long-established mildew stains on it and had to go, but my sister is going to see if any vintage stores or charities that outfit girls for prom would be interested in the others.  
• MY 1979 graduation dress. (I took a photo of it and put in the pile for the thrift store.) 
• Several adorable children's dresses that my sister and I wore back in the 1960s.
• An adorable little red sweater with white trim and little buttons that look like owl faces, hand-knit for me when I was a toddler/pre-schooler by one of my mom's high school friends. We showed it to PND and she took it home to wash and see if it would fit Little Princess #3.    
• A large box filled with smaller boxes, ALL containing Mom's jewelry (and some of Grandma's too, I think). The vast majority of it was cheap costume stuff.  We didn't have time to go through it, but my sister said she will and she'll set aside anything she thinks I'd be interested in. 
• And... a little wooden chest, that I'm going to post about separately.  

It's not often that I manage to make my sister completely crack up
with laughter, but this photo did the trick!!  🤣
It's from a Grade 1 (1966-67) scrapbook project, titled "Ways Plants Help Us."
The page on the right is captioned "Beauty and shade" 
and apparently is illustrated with a vintage ad for bras and girdles!  
🤣🤣🤣

Right now

Right now...* 

*(A (mostly) monthly series/meme.  Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first (similar) "The Current" post, here.)

May was yet another (very!) busy month. (How is it possible that we're almost halfway through the year already?) 

Some of the things I/we did this month include: 

• Went to the bank for some cash, and the drugstore to pick up a prescription for dh. (May 1st) 
• Shopped for groceries at the supermarket and picked up some takeout soup or pizza slices there for lunch. (May 4th & 25th.) 
• Walked and shopped at the local mall with dh. (May 5th)  
• Dropped off some dead batteries in the recycle bin at Canadian Tire, and had a browse at the bookstore. (May 8th) 
• Visited my dad in Manitoba (May 9th-24th). I'm hoping to write more about this trip in a separate post(s) soon, but in summary:  While there, we worked with my sister & her partner to continue to clear out the house (which has been sold -- closing date July 2nd) and move Dad over to his new apartment and get him settled in there (same town). Sorted through decades and decades of STUFF, not only mine and my parents' but my grandparents', great-grandparents and even a few things from my great-great grandmother, dating back to the late 1800s/early 1900s!  Yikes!  
• We also took my dad to a hospital in a (larger) nearby town for a CT scan (mostly positive results), and also drove with him (through a dust storm!!) about an hour away to do some banking in the town where we'd lived, 1976-80, and where my sister and I graduated from high school. I hadn't been back there in DECADES, and it was quite a blast from the past to drive past our old house, the schools I attended and other familiar landmarks...!  Lots of changes, but also a lot that was recognizable!  
• Picked up prescriptions at the drugstore (May 26th). 
• Indulged in a manicure/pedicure, and then went to the supermarket to pick up some supplies for the weekend (May 28th).
• Headed up to dh's cousin's cottage for the weekend (May 29th-31st), where we've spent a weekend each September/October for the past several years with the cousin, his wife, BIL & SIL.  
• This time, however, the party included ALL of the cousins from that side of the family (those living in Canada, anyway) and their partners (!! -- total:  16 people!). (Dh & I were the oldest people there -- he's 69, the youngest cousin there was 45! We were also the only couple there without children.)  
• I was hoping that since all of these cousins' offspring are now teenagers or young adults, the kid conversation would be minimal. Unfortunately, no such luck. :p  Would you believe one night all the women started recounting (parts of) their kids' birth stories??  (Even though their kids were born something like 15 to 42 years ago??).  And debating whether or not you'd want your mother-in-law to attend the birth (another strikeout topic for me -- even if I'd succeeded in having a child, my MIL died before I ever met her).  I quietly left the table, went to my room and busied myself with straightening up our clothes, etc., until I could hear the conversation take a different turn.  
• These cousins tend to be a rather, ummm, boisterous lot. I was already pretty exhausted from the emotional and physical demands of being at my dad's for two weeks... needless to say, this weekend wasn't entirely restful either...!  
• These caveats aside, the hosts were gracious (as always -- we got there early with BIL & SIL and had a nice few hours with them before the others descended...!), the property is gorgeous, the food was great, and overall, we did enjoy ourselves some..!   

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 2 books in May (all reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2026 books").  Year to date, I've read 10 books,  reached 25% of my Goodreads Challenge goal, and am currently 6 books behind schedule to achieve it by year end.  

• "Regeneration" by Pat Barker. Slow readalong with Footnotes & Tangents (April 3rd – May 14th). (4 stars, my review.)  
• "The Ministry of Time" by Kaliane Bradley (the June book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club;  previously read and reviewed, here;  most recent review here;  rated 4.5-5 stars both times.) 

Current reads: 

• "The Hacienda" by Isabel Canas (the July book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club).  6% read to date. 
• "The Forsyte Saga" by John Galsworthy. After mulling it over (see this post!), I accepted a commenter's suggestion to do a readalong together!  Currently 40% completed. 
• "Childless: A Woman and a Girl in a Man's World" by Fabiana Formica.  This one is beautifully written, but slow going, and I was reading it (or trying to...!) at Mom & Dad's last summer, where there were a lot of distractions. I've put it aside for the moment to focus on other reading priorities, but I've completed 33% to date.
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through, in between the other books...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club:  
• "In Memoriam" by Alice Winn (August).  (I previously read and reviewed this one, here;  4-5-5 stars.)  
• "Young Woman and the Sea" by Glenn Stout (September)
• "The Wedding People" by Alison Espach (October). (I previously read and reviewed this one, here;  rated 4-4.5 stars.)
• "The Women" by Kristin Hannah (November)
• For my D.E. Stevenson group: Next books to be determined;  taking a bit of a break in the meantime... 

• Footnotes & Tangents slow readalongs for 2026 include:
• "The Inheritors" by William Golding (June)
• "Treacle Walker" by Alan Garner (July)
• "The Children’s Book" by A.S. Byatt (September–December)

(Not sure I will take part in "The Inheritors" or "Treacle Walker,"  but "The Children's Book" sounds interesting!)  

A few recently purchased titles (all in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points): 

• "Buckeye" by Patrick Ryan
• "Motherland" by Julia Ioffe
• "The Book of Sheen" by Charlie Sheen 
• "Strangers" by Belle Burden 
• "My Name is Barbra" by Barbra Streisand 
• "Liberty Street" by Heather Marshall 
• "One of Us" by Elizabeth Day 
• "UFO" by Garrett M. Graff 
• "The Patriarch" by David Nasaw 
• "Family of Spies" by Christine Kuehn 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Watching: 

• "Finding Your Roots" (season 12, plus plenty of reruns) on PBS, Tuesday nights.
• "The Count of Monte Cristo" (on PBS, 8 episodes with the finale on May 10th).  Lost treasure, lost love and ridiculously complex revenge plots! with a huge cast of characters and subplots to keep straight (not sure I succeeded??).  But also jaw-dropping sets/locations and gorgeous costumes. I enjoyed it!  With Sam Claflin as Edmond/The Count, and Jeremy Irons as the old Abbe who tells him about the treasure.    
• My dad normally watches PVR-d episodes of his (& Mom's) soap opera ("The Young and the Restless") late at night, but we did see most of the penultimate episode of  "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert," including Bruce Springsteen's appearance at the end. while we were in Manitoba. (Missed Paul McCartney the following night, but did manage to see the highlights the next day.)  

Playing:  

• Heardle Decades: (as of May 31st): I mostly abandoned Heardle while I was at my dad's, but here are the latest stats, for what it's worth....!  
• Heardle 60s: 74.1% (927/1251, 376 on first guess), unchanged since April 30th. Max streak: 21. 
• Heardle 70s: 74.7% (746/998, 417 on first guess), down 0.2% from April 30th. Max streak: 18. 
• Heardle 80s:  41.4% (352/850, 134 on first guess), down 0.1% from April 30th. Max. streak: 5.
• Heardle 90s: 33.1% (315/952, 81 on first guess), down 0.2% from March 31st. Max. streak: 9. 
• NYT Connections: 
• As of April 30th, I'd played 624 games and won 89% of them (unchanged from Dec. 31st), including 337 "perfect puzzles" with zero errors, and 18 where I got the most difficult/purple category first (unchanged from Dec. 31st). Maximum winning streak: 45 (unchanged since June 30th, 2025). Current streak: 11. 
• By May 31st, I had completed 654 games, won 89% of them (unchanged since Dec. 31st), including 352 "perfect puzzles" with zero errors, and 20 where I got the most difficult/purple category first (an increase of 2 since Dec. 31st). Maximum winning streak:  45 (unchanged since June 30th, 2025).  Current streak:4.  

Listening (not watching!):  To "Judge Judy" and the Game Show Network TV shows -- both favourites of my dad (and they were inescapable!  Arrrrggghhhhh....!).  

Following:  . 

Eating/Drinking:  

• Over the past 18 months, we've been trying to eat healthier and lower our cholesterol -- and avoid having to take (more) medication -- since some less-than-stellar bloodwork results for both of us in fall 2024 and then again (for me) last November (2025, as mentioned in November's Right Now post). 
• I ended May 1.2 pounds less than when the month started.  Overall, I'm down 16 pounds since late October 2024 -- close to my lowest weight in more than a decade -- and 28 pounds from my heaviest-ever weight  (in August 2021). 
• (Dh is down almost 18 pounds overall since fall 2024.)
• This was not the greatest month diet-wise, to put it mildly. While at my dad's, we at a lot of takeout (hamburgers, chicken, pizza). Meals at the cottage included lasagnas, chicken skewers, grilled steaks with potato salad & corn on the cob, and homemade pizza ("white" pizza for me).  While home, we indulged in takeout pizza slices or soup from the supermarket, once or twice a week, for lunch and/or dinner. 

Wearing: The weather continued to have its ups & downs -- so there were days in May when I was wearing long yoga pants/jeans, socks and sweatshirts, and others when I (finally!) put on my capris and sandals.  (The overnight low reached just 2C while we were in Manitoba, and at the cottage it was 8C, although it got up to 22C during the day.)  

Buying (besides books, lol):  Not much this month. 

Hoping: That Dad likes his new apartment and settles in well. 

Prioritizing:  Helping out Dad & my sister, when & how I can, here and there. . 

Planning:  Our next trip to Manitoba, around Dad's 87th birthday in July. (Up for debate:  whether we'll stay one week or two?) 

Trying:  To clear a few things off the to-do list here before heading west again, including having a closer look at the things I brought back with me and finding homes for them all.  

Appreciating: My sister (and her partner). Thankful that they've been there every weekend (but one) since January to support our dad and help him navigate through this tough transition -- and my sister just started a new job too!! (at age 63!!) (If I think I'm tired, I know that goes double or more for her...!) 

Noticing: All the leaves have popped out during the two weeks we were away. My eyes have also been stickier in the mornings these past few weeks (presumably a reaction to the increased pollen in the air). I've been taking daily Claritin as a precaution...! 

Anticipating:  Spending some time with Little Great-Nephew #2 soon:  his mom's maternity leave has ended and she returns to work on June 1st.  SIL will be looking after him, as she did with LGN #1 (who will be joining is brother this summer, after school lets out later in June).  

Wondering:  What we should do for our wedding anniversary in July? 

Wanting:  Some quiet downtime...!  (before we have to head back to Manitoba again...!).  

Loving:  Being able to have the balcony door open again during the day. (At least until the heat & humidity kick in...!)  

                        

Feeling: Extremely tired.  :p  

Pre-Voldemort Day thoughts, and some odds & ends

You will understand that, as a childless-not-by-choice woman (via stillbirth & infertility), That-Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, coming up this weekend (which I've dubbed "Voldemort Day") is not exactly my favourite on the calendar. (Check out the tag "Voldemort Day (Mother's Day)" for past posts on the subject.)  And as someone who hasn't lived within 1000 miles of her parents in 40 years, whose mother-in-law died before I ever met her, I haven't had to worry too much about family considerations on this day either.  I'd send a card, give Mom a call, maybe chip in on a gift that my (childfree by choice) sister would buy and deliver, and do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day.  

This year, I'll be spending Mother's Day AT my parents' house, for the first time in about 35 years. (I had a business trip in the early 1990s that brought me to Winnipeg just before Mother's Day, as well as my grandmother's birthday. I arranged to spend the weekend with them. I am so glad I did.)   

Except (major plot twist) Mom won't be there -- she died in January. I am now motherless, as well as childless. I was lucky enough to have my mother for almost 65 years;  my daughter never took a breath outside my body, but I miss them both, and especially on days like this one.  

My dad and sister have not mentioned MDay at all. (Yet?)  

I am not going to remind them. 

And now for some links:  

• We were at the mall one morning earlier this week.  It's not uncommon to see young moms there, out with their babies in strollers -- sometimes by themselves, sometimes in pairs. I thought I'd seen everything the day I saw four moms with four strollers. 
• Reader -- I had not. On this particular day, I encountered a group of moms with babies in strollers coming my way. TWELVE of them!!!  (I counted.)  12!!! Walking in a group, two or three abreast.  
• (A while later, I saw another group of five!  Not sure if they had broken off from the earlier group I saw, or if this was an entirely different group??)
• All I could think was that it was a good thing that I'm in a relatively good place these days. I mostly just shook my head in disbelief, texted dh (who also saw them, and thought it was hilarious) and... carried on.  Also that if this had been 20-25 years ago, it would have finished me off, sent me home immediately, and kept me away from the mall for weeks.(Progress?) 
• (I also wondered whether this en masse outing had anything to do with the fact that it was just a few days before Voldemort Day/MDay??)  
• Y.L. Wolfe absolutely nails it with her latest Substack piece at On the Outside: "Why This Childless Woman Chooses to Celebrate Mother's Day...Alone."  (Content warning:  Photo of mother & baby at the top of the page.)  A couple of excerpts:  

Don’t misunderstand - I absolutely believe mothers deserve a day of celebration and pampering. They deserve more than a day, in fact.

But that doesn’t mean it has to come at the expense of other women or exist in a space that ignores any other woman’s life circumstances...

I believe women like me need the same thing that mothers ask for: space to take up, validation, and support. In the absence of getting that from a culture indifferent and sometimes hostile to women without children, then we must give it to ourselves.

• This article also absolutely nails the childless-not-by-choice experience and why it can be so painful.  The lengthy title says it all:  "The hardest part of being childless by circumstance, not choice, often may not be the grief people expect — it may be the invisibility of living a life other people have no template for."  Excerpt:  

When women in this position describe the hardest part, they rarely lead with the absence of children. The absence is familiar by the time they’re forty-five. They’ve been around it. They have, on most days, made some sort of working peace with it.

What they describe instead is something more like a slow, ambient erasure. The conversations at dinner parties drift to school catchments and they’re not in them. Their friends speak in shorthand about a life stage they don’t share. Their own parents go quiet about future grandchildren. They are, increasingly, in rooms that aren’t built for them, and the architecture of those rooms gets repeated until it begins to feel like the architecture of the world.

• Virginia Evans, author of "The Correspondent" (which is high on my "want to read" list), is a mother, but she wrote an article for People that I can heartily agree with:  "Mothering Takes a Village. This Mother's Day, Let's Celebrate the Other Mother Figures."  (h/t to Kathleen Guthrie Woods for flagging this one on social media!). (And content warning:  there's a photo at the top of Virginia with her children.)  
• I got tears in my eyes reading this interview in the New York Times with Tracy Clark-Flory:  "My Mom Had a Secret Daughter. I Finally Found Her."  I've put her book on my wish list. (Gift link.) 
• At Afterglow, Katie Dunn welcomes a guest post from fellow Substacker Lexi Weber: "The unexpected intimacy of infertility."   
• Lexi writes at "Not (What I Was) Expecting." I've added her to my blogrolls here and on Feedly. Recent (also excellent) post: “You never know what could happen.” (and why that's not something you should say to someone going through infertility or facing permanent childlessness).  

"The Bandit Queens" by Parini Shroff

I just finished "The Bandit Queens" by Parini Shroff, the May selection for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club. It's been recommended to me by a couple of other childless women and book review sites.  

Reading it, I was vaguely reminded of "How To Kill Your Family" by Bella Mackie, another book club selection from earlier this year.  Both are darkly funny novels about women murdering despicable family members. 

Geeta's no-good husband Ramesh disappeared five years ago -- and now everyone in the village thinks she killed him. They also think that she's a witch.  (As if they needed further proof of that, Geeta is childless.)  

But although Geeta is shunned and isolated, the villagers are also afraid enough of provoking her displeasure to support her small business, making wedding jewelry.  (She's saving money to buy herself a refrigerator.)  Geeta received money to fund her work from a local microlender, which brings her into regular contact with other women in the village who are part of her lending circle -- all mothers who talk endlessly about their children (hmmm, this sounds familiar...). The women meet each week to make payments on their loans and keep each other accountable:  if one person doesn't pay up, the others will be on the hook for the money.  

Then, one by one, other women in the circle start enlisting Geeta's help to kill their own husbands (!). Moreover, some of them are using blackmail to get her to do it.  I'm sure it's not a spoiler to say there are complications...!  

Interwoven throughout the narrative is the story of Phoolan Devi, "the Bandit Queen," who is something of an inspiration and role model to Geeta.  I thought Devi was a mythical or historical figure, but (as the author's note at the end of the book reveals) she was actually a real-life figure, born in 1963 (just a few years after me!) into a poor, low-caste family. In a nutshell, Devi was famous as a bandit-turned-politician (!) who punished the men who abused her. She was assassinated in 2001 at age 37.   

As in "How to Kills Your Family," the violence made me a bit queasy at times (both the murders and the domestic violence some of the men inflicted on their wives and others).  The book was also a sobering reminder of the poverty and extreme patriarchy some women continue to live under. It was a little long, and I had to stop from time to time to look up unfamiliar Indian terms.

But I loved how the women ultimately set aside their differences and came together to support each other and advocate for change and justice in their community. As the NoMo Book Club said in their Goodreads review of this book:  

Ultimately, the takeaway message from the book is that the unbearable burdens of life are made tolerable by the comradeship that can be found within true female friendship. Once the women stop turning on each other, but stand as a unified whole, they are an unstoppable force - something that any non-mother who has known the strength of joining a community of other childless women can understand all too well.

And I enjoyed the humour that helped to alleviate some of the tension. There were some truly ridiculous situations depicted (I could picture them like a movie in my mind), and some lines that made me chuckle (or laugh out loud outright). For example:  

• "Never send a god to do a goddess's job."
• "We can't just knock off everyone we don't like. This isn't Indian Idol." 
• "Shooting people makes me a don; killing a dog just makes me a psychopath.” (The dog doesn't get killed, although animal abuse and its effects are briefly depicted earlier in the book.)   
• "We’re happy to be accessories. Like jewelry, but way more dangerous." 

The last few chapters were tense -- but the last line of the book left me with a smile on my face.  : ) 

4 stars on both Goodreads and StoryGraph. 

Shroff's next novel, "Some People" will be released in July. 

I was interested to learn that Shroff is/was a student and protegee of Elizabeth McCracken, who wrote one of my all-time favourite pregnancy loss memoirs, "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" (which I wrote about here as part of Mel's Barren B*tches Book Club), which contains one of my all-time favourite lines:  "Closure is bullshit."  

This was Book #7 read to date in 2026 (and Book #1 finished in April), bringing me to 18% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 5 books behind schedule to meet my goal.  :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books." 

Odds & ends

• Personal note:  10 years ago today (!), we took possession of the condo where we're now living, and moved out of our home of 26 years, on the other side of the city. (We spent the night at BIL's and moved our stuff in here the next day.) 
• "Boy, that went by fast," commented dh, when I reminded him. No kidding. 
• At the same time, what a lot has happened in those 10 years!:  our nephews' weddings, the arrival of three great-niblings (and a dog!),  the deaths of both FIL & my mom, as well as several other people we've loved, BIL's transplant surgery... 
• I've hashed out the pros & cons of condo living and of moving here several times before on this blog, so I won't go into those topics all over again here. Suffice to say, I'm still not wild about the community itself, but overall, we do love the condo and being closer to family.  :) 
• Mom stuff:  
• I had my first dream about Mom since she died, last week. I don't remember much about it, but she was there. I like it when the people I've loved and lost show up in my dreams. It's like a little visit from them. 
• Dh was looking for a newscast the other night, and landed on ABC World News Tonight with David Muir. Which got me teary, because my parents always ate supper late -- partly because Mom insisted on watching "her" news (on ABC -- the network broadcast, followed by the "local" news, from Fargo, ND -- although she almost always fell asleep before the end...!). She really liked David Muir and how he delivered the news as well.  It's the little, unexpected moments like that that catch me off guard and set me off (very similar to after we lost Katie).  
• Vision update:  We went into the city today for follow-up visits with our optometrist, following my opthamologist appointment earlier this month. The opthamologist determined that surgery was not necessary at this point, but there's still a small patch of developing nodules on my left cornea (as well as the small beginnings of a cataract).  Even so, my vision has not changed significantly since I last changed my glasses almost 12 (!) years ago (although both my regular and computer glasses have some scratches on them. The optometrist didn't think the scratches were that bad, though?). 
• The optometrist gave me an updated prescription for my glasses, but suggested it might be worth waiting a while longer to get new ones. We have a number of large expenses right now -- current, upcoming and anticipated:  we just paid our taxes (ouch), paid for flights to visit Dad soon (and will be going there again this summer and at Christmas), possible purchases for his new apartment to fund, as well as subsidizing his rent until he sells the house -- and we still need to purchase a cremation niche or plot at the cemetery for both him and Mom, and inter her ashes at some point -- etc. etc.... So I've decided to hold off on new glasses for a while longer.  (Dh's glasses are about the same age as mine! and he'd like new ones too, but agreed we should both wait.)  We'll be back for checkups again in six months, so we'll see what the situation is then... 

And now a few links to share: 

• Non-ALI/CNBC-related, but I thought it was worth sharing:  Canadian Returnee explains Bill C-18, Meta's response (why I'm unable to see or post news links on Facebook or Instagram), and "What Facebook's News Ban Taught Canadians."   
• I see posts on social media -- from both Americans and Canadians! -- claiming that the Canadian government is "censoring" news.  Not true!  News (actual news, from actual journalists) is readily available, online and elsewhere -- you just can't find it or share it on Facebook or Instagram. And that's because of a decision made by Meta, not the Canadian government. (The article explains more.) 
• (For some reason, Meta's ban doesn't apply on Threads??  But shhhhh, don't remind them of that...!  lol)    
• Great news:  One of the "OG" voices in the CNBC blogging world is back! Welcome back PJ at Making Sense of It All. 
• I love, love, loved this blast from the past via Tracey Cleantis Dwyer (another longtime blogger who recently launched a Substack): "The Hardy Boys and the Mysterious Case of the Magical Meeting." (Featuring Parker Stevenson, Shaun Cassidy, and an older/childless woman role model who changed Tracey's life.)  
• Speaking of Shaun Cassidy, Alan Osmond, oldest of the performing Osmond Brothers, died earlier this week at age 76, after living with MS for 40 (!) years.  Another brother, Wayne, died in early 2025 at age 73.  You know you're getting older when your teen idols start dying...  :(  
• Katie Dunn at Afterglow writes about whether children give your life "purpose" -- something that many childless women struggle with, when parenthood doesn't work out for them ("what's my purpose now?"). Part of the post is paywalled, but what's free to read is worth a look!  
• Another brilliant post from Ali Hall at Life Without Children:  "When Women Supporting Women Defaults to Mothers Supporting Mothers." (Subhead: "Compassion is never found in comparison.")  
• I vividly remember the story about the doctor whose daughter asked her that painful question -- and her response (or lack thereof) -- and posted about it at the time (during the height of the pandemic). 
• Ali is offering half-price annual paid subscriptions during the month of May. 
• Also from Life Without Children, childfree Rosie Diell ponders "What fence sitters can learn from the childless community." 
• Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless. So Now What?" looks at "What Happens to Your Marriage When IVF Doesn’t Work?" A couple of excerpts: 

...for many couples, IVF doesn’t work.

And when fertility treatments end without a baby, you are left with more than grief. You are left with questions about your marriage that no one prepared you for.

I remember thinking very clearly, is this going to be enough?

 

...a marriage without children is not a lesser version of life. It is a different version of life. It can still be connected, meaningful, and something you feel proud of.

Not because you convinced yourself to be okay with it, but because you built something real together after infertility.

• Poorna Bell dismantles "the myth of grandmotherhood" (and why it's important for everyone, whether or not you have grandchildren).  Most of the post is about grandmothers, but near the end, there's this: 

What about the women who aren’t grandmothers? Where is their place in society? Most of these women will have experienced a sense of isolation and an erosion of community the first time round, when it came to not having children. Having spoken to a number of women including Jody Day about this, it appears there is a second wind in one’s 60s, around grandmotherhood that raises the same issues.

(Bell muses that this particular issue "may merit a spin-off Substack" -- I would love to read that!)