#MicroblogMondays: Condo Saturday night

The scene outside our building 
on Saturday night.

This kind of Saturday night excitement, I could do without...! 

I was watching TV and scrolling through my phone, and dh was doing our taxes (deadline is April 30th in Canada) when the fire alarm went off. 

(We've had several alarms since we moved into this building six years ago (almost to the day). Most of them have been false -- but once, a furnace unit overheated and set off the sprinklers in a unit down the hall from us -- fortunately for us, WAY down the hall, at the other end. Needless to say, there was a LOT of water damage to that unit as well as ones nearby and below.)  

I went out on the balcony to see if I could see anything (and to get away from the incredibly LOUD alarm, lol). There were already people outside, several of them standing out in the parking lot and looking up at the building. Someone outside on the ground called up to someone on a nearby balcony that there WAS actually a fire (!) -- so dh & I pulled on our masks and shoes and jackets, grabbed our phones, keys and purse/wallet, and headed down the nearby stairwell and outside. (I forgot to put on my wedding & engagement rings (!), but did think to grab the portable hard drive that has all my laptop backup files on it.)

Turned out someone had carelessly flicked a cigarette butt into a potted plant on a balcony on the 7th floor (the top floor -- three floors above us, and at the opposite end of the building, fortunately)... which then caught fire. (This is why ashtrays were invented, people...!)  Luckily, someone in the condo building across the street saw the flames and called 911. 

Three fire trucks (plus police) arrived within minutes (much to the delight of the kids who live in the building), and it wasn't more than half an hour from the time the alarm first went off until we got the all-clear to return to our units. (I took this photo from our balcony after we got back.)  

It could have been much (much) worse. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends from the weekend

• Saturday was Katie's Day #23 -- i.e., the day I delivered her, the date that's on all the official paperwork (even though I had learned two days earlier that her heart had stopped beating).  I don't like to call it her birthday (although some people wished her "happy birthday" on Facebook) -- she was actually supposed to be born in mid-November -- and I don't know exactly when we actually lost her -- but I'm not sure what else to call it. So I've taken to just calling it "Katie's Day." 
• Some years, this day is better or harder to deal with than others. This one was sort of middle-of-the-pack. Early on, we had quite a few traditions/things we did to mark the day, many of which have fallen by the wayside over the years.  But we did take flowers to the cemetery and ordered takeout Chinese food for dinner, as we often have in the past, and I posted a few things on social media, and that was about it. 
• We didn't stay at the cemetery as long as I would have liked. When we got out of the car & started walking toward the columbarium where Katie's niche is, we noticed a middle-aged woman sitting on a bench nearby, her back to us... talking. LOUDLY. On her cellphone. (In a cemetery!)  We usually take a few photos while we're there, and as I stood beside the niche with my bouquet of roses while dh took my photo, the woman turned and stared at me as she continued to talk on her phone. I stared back. Dh howled with laughter when he saw the photo later, because I have one hand on my hip and am GLARING right into the camera, or rather at the woman a few yards behind him. Granted, it wasn't a smiley kind of occasion anyway, but I was definitely more than a little pissed off. The woman did finally get up after a few minutes and move further away... still talking. Oy.  
• Sadly, it appears that covid wave #4 is upon us... not to the same extent as in the U.S. (yet...)(our vaccination rates in Canada are much higher), but the numbers are trending in the wrong direction again. :(  Daily new cases here in Ontario were as low as 114 on July 12th (a level not seen since last Sept. 1st).  They stayed below 200 for 20 days straight -- and then went to 218 on July 29th, and stayed above 200 for several days. Dipped back below 200 for three days and then shot up to 340 new cases on Friday (Aug. 6th), 378 on Saturday (the most since mid-June), and 423 on Sunday, the most in two months. :(  Today was 325. 
• I am starting to think that we should have headed home to see my parents this month, even if my sister couldn't take time off while we were there. Hoping we haven't missed our opportunity, and crossing fingers and toes that we'll still be able to get there for (Canadian) Thanksgiving in October and/or Christmas...!  :(   Despite the presence of the Delta variant, the provincial government there allowed many sectors to fully reopen and abandon mask mandates this past weekend -- although my sister says she was pleasantly surprised/relieved to see that many people are still wearing them, regardless.  
• BIL called dh today to report that Little Great-Nephew started swimming lessons today with his mom! It was NOT a success... he threw a tantrum at the pool and she had to take him home, lol. (He IS almost two, i.e., the "Terrible Twos!")  He has not been around a lot of people outside his family, so I'm not surprised if he found the experience a little overwhelming. She'll try again next week.  We'll go to see him & his grandma on Wednesday, as usual. 

Father's Day/COVID-19 odds & ends

• It's Father's Day -- a very quiet, subdued one. I raided my blank card/note stash once again to make sure dh got the traditional card (at least).  Our usual Sunday afternoon activity (& especially on occasions like Mother's & Father's Day) would be to go to the movies -- but the theatres are still not open here.  It's too hot & humid (currently 30C/36C humidex) to go out for a walk, and there are too many happy families running around -- even with COVID (and without masks!) --  to venture to the bookstore or gelato shop. If we wanted to head to a store, we'd both rather do it during the week when it's quieter. 
• I suppose we could have gone to the cemetery to visit FIL (& MIL), or further down the road to visit Katie in her cemetery (haven't been there since February -- I think her Christmas decorations are still up...!) -- but it's at least a 30-45-minute drive (one way) on a very hot day, with little else we could do once we got there, with so many closures & restrictions in place. Another time. 
• I'll call my own dad later this afternoon. 
• Dh admitted last night that he sometimes gets jealous of BIL and his obvious pleasure in being a grandfather. BIL has a huge heart, and he's always been very generous about including us in things and assuring us that we are an important part of the family, that we have an important role to play in the lives of his sons & grandson (our two nephews and great-nephew). But like most parents/grandparents, he can be kind of clueless sometimes. ;)  

*** *** *** 

COVID-19/pandemic updates: 

• En route to BIL's for a visit on Friday night, we stopped at the supermarket to pick up something from the bakery to have with our coffee. I waited in the car while dh put on a mask and went in. I've barely been outside at all in the past three months, let alone anywhere where there's lots of people. So it was kind of jaring to see that the parking lot was packed -- it WAS rush hour on a Friday night. I was also shocked at how many people were NOT wearing masks -- and had (unmasked) kids in tow with them too!  Dh says most people have been masked when he's been there grocery shopping -- but of course he normally goes early in the morning, when it's far less busy.  
• In a similar vein -- local restaurants are still not allowed to open their dining rooms, but as of Friday, they *are* now allowed to offer outdoor/patio dining (with social distancing & other precautions), in addition to takeout & delivery. We ordered takeout from one of our favourite restaurants on Saturday night and, when he returned with our food, dh reported the patio was PACKED, with a long line of people waiting. No masks to be seen there either.  I know you can't wear masks and eat ;)  but you would think people might want to wear masks until their food arrives, or at least while they're waiting in line...?? 
• And finally.... the time is drawing near!!  After SEVENTEEN (17!!) weeks, we will FINALLY be getting haircuts on Friday afternoon!!  Our stylist called me (this past) Friday afternoon to let us know her new schedule, and I booked our appointments on the spot. She explained that we must call when we arrive, and someone will unlock the door to let us in -- one at a time (the other person will have to wait in the car, or elsewhere outside). No purses allowed -- just a cellphone & payment method (presumably credit or debit card).  Masks must be worn -- we can bring our own or buy a disposable one for $1. The capes are now disposable as well.  She will only wet our hair with water from a spray bottle (vs a complete shampoo -- which they will only do if you're having colour done), and she will not blow dry our hair. Fine with me -- just get out those scissors, lol. As I have said before -- I have no great desire to go to the mall or a restaurant or whatever -- but I am desperate for a haircut!  

Odds & ends

• We've been out for a few more walks lately. HOLY CRAP, I AM OUT OF SHAPE. :p  :(   Hoping to make it a regular habit again, now that the weather is (FINALLY) trending a bit milder, and build up our time and stamina. I have been saying this for the past four years since we moved here, and now that the roadwork in front of our building & townhouse development construction behind us is (mostly) complete, there are absolutely no excuses why we can't do it. There are some lovely quiet, leafy streets in the subdivision behind our condo building where we can walk (away from the main road, albeit it is far emptier/less busy than it was, pre-COVID). If/when we do encounter another walker(s) (usually someone out walking their dog), one or the other of us just moves off the sidewalk and onto the boulevard until we've passed a safe distance away. 
• When we head outside for a walk, we usually walk down the stairs to ground level (I wear my winter gloves & if I have to use the rail, I usually balance my wrist on it instead of grabbing it) and then take the elevator back up when we return. (Dh would take the stairs back up too, but both my knees and my lungs are not up to climbing up four flights of winding stairs at this point...!) On return from our most recent walk, when we got on the elevator, there was already someone inside, coming up from the lower level parking garage. He nodded and moved into one corner, and we slid into the corner opposite/furthest away... he got off on the second floor and so we had the elevator to ourselves for most of the trip up. (I suppose we could have just waited for the next elevator...)  I said to dh as we got off on our floor, "You know, I think that's the closest I've been to another human being besides you since mid-March!"  
• We recently passed the four-year mark of our move here. (You can read about the move and various aspects of our condo life since then in posts tagged "condo living.") I've lived in enough different places in my life to know there is good and bad everywhere;  it's up to you to make the most of things. Condo living has its share of annoyances, but then so too did our old house and neighbourhood. It also definitely has its advantages. I'm still not enamoured with the community where we now live, but overall, we both love the condo, and we love being closer to family (even though we sadly can't visit them right now).  I was dragged here kicking & screaming ;)  but overall now, I have few to no regrets. 
• One annoyance (especially evident this past weekend, when we had lovely weather and everyone was outside and our balcony door was open):  revved-up cars & motorcycles peeling out as they zoom up & down the main road past our building.  The noise was ridiculous, and it went on for hours. I've seen several stories in the media about police making record numbers of arrests for speeding (50 km or more above the speed limit), drag racing and stunt driving on local streets & highways. The roads are emptier with more people at home and fewer people out driving, and it seems some idiots just can't resist acting like idiots...  :p 
• It wasn't just me, either:  a couple of other friends were posting on social media this weekend about noisy neighbours and not being able to enjoy some peace and quiet in their own back yards. It's been a very looonnggggg winter, even without COVID-19 & social distancing (Sunday was the first time the temperature went above 20C since October 1st! -- 7 months!!), and I guess more than a few people are going stir crazy (and more than a few people's nerves have been worn thin...!).  

#MicroblogMondays: A few annoying things

(An occasional series, inspired by Mali!)

• One rainy day after another, over the summer generally, and recently. :p  Enough, already!! 
• Standing in a long lineup for one of the two cashiers open at the local mega-bookstore, while the rest of the staff stood nearby, oohing & ahhhing over the adorable baby that a former coworker had brought in for them all to admire... and then, when I finally reached the front of the line, the mom brought the baby over to the open cashier for HER to admire -- thus making me wait even longer to pay for my book & leave. :p  (I will admit I smiled at the baby, because he WAS cute, but it was still annoying...!)
• Back to school photos on social media -- ALREADY!! They began coming from my friends & family members in the States directly after the August long weekend (and Katie's birthday) this year -- way, WAY too early, IMHO...!!  And I expect they will continue through mid-September. Most schools here don't start until after the September Labour Day long weekend. 
• The glass walls/door of the shower cubicle in our ensuite bathroom. Looks fabulous, but a b*tch to clean...!  :p  (Which is why I procrastinate endlessly over doing it, lol.)
• Rabidly pro-Trump posts on my social media feeds from some of my American relatives. :p 
• The fact that summer is almost over, when I feel like it's just barely started...   :( 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: A few annoying things

(Taking my cue from a recent #MM post by Mali. ;)  This might become a regular feature...!)

• Salespeople who stand at one end of a long counter, absorbed in checking something -- while I'm at the head of the checkout line at the other end, waiting for someone to ring in my purchase (for several minutes) -- and then, when they do motion me forward, ignore me (except to take my money) while shouting to one of the other store clerks some distance away while I'm standing there...! 
• Mommies pushing those huge strollers at the mall, ambling along in pairs or groups, two abreast, chatting and looking at their phones, taking up the whole aisle & making it impossible for other people to get around them.  
• Moms who ignore the baby/toddler in the stroller who is trying to get their attention while they're absorbed in checking their phones. 
• Moms who stand in the aisle of the bookstore talking to a friend or checking their phone -- while their toddler throws a mega-tantrum in the next aisle, screaming at the top of their lungs -- and ignore the child, letting the tantrum continue for a full FIVE MINUTES before intervening (hmmm, I sense a theme here...!).  
• Disorganized bookshelves at the bookstore -- it sometimes looks like a cyclone went through, especially after the weekend. I realize these stores are staffed thinly and staff are stretched... and customers will take a book off the shelf to look at and then shove it back any old place... but still...!  I often spend half my time there reorganizing the shelves and moving books into proper alphabetical order (does anyone know alphabetical order these days?? or that books in the biography section should be filed according to the name of the subject and not the author?? -- it seems not...).  Nothing drives me crazier than seeing three copies of  a book on one shelf (and not in alphabetical order), and then two more copies two shelves down (ARRRGGGHHHH....).  Dh says "it's not your job." I said, "Maybe it should be, since nobody else seems to be doing it...!"  lol  (Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this...!) 
• People who leave their cigarette butts on the floor of our condo's parking garage (particularly since it's a no-smoking zone in the first place...!). 
• People who leave their cars parked in a clearly marked no-parking zone right in front of the supermarket, blocking other cars that are entering & exiting the parking lot ("oh, I'll only be in there a minute...")(last Sunday afternoon there were FOUR parked in a row!!). 
• The neighbour somewhere directly above us, who must have recently bought some plants for their balcony (which is all fine & good) & is a little TOO enthusiastic about watering them well, as the excess water cascades off the edge of their balcony & comes splashing onto ours. It's not a very big balcony & one of the chairs is always getting wet. Fortunately, nobody has been sitting there when this has happened (yet...!). 

(All real-life incidents, by the way...!)

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMonday posts here. 

An avalanche of opinions

You would think a cover review of not just one but two infertility-related books in the Sunday New York Times's Books section would be a good thing, right? Who wouldn't want to see their book featured in the NYT?? and at the same time, shed a spotlight in a well-read and respected publication on an often-ignored and misunderstood issue.

It's not a good thing, however, when the reviewer is as seemingly clueless about the subject and lacking in empathy as Rachel Cusk appears to be.

The Sunday New York Times Book Review of Sept. 4 featured Cusk's review of two infertility-related books. The second was a new book by Belle Boggs, "The Art of Waiting: On Fertility, Medicine and Motherhood." The bulk of the review, however, focused on "Avalanche: A Love Story" by Australian novelist/filmmaker Julia Leigh. 

I had not yet read Leigh's book when I read Cusk's review, so I was not in a place to comment on its merits or shortcomings, as a work of literature or as a representation of the infertility experience. But Cusk's review nevertheless left me -- an infertile, childless woman reader -- slack-jawed. Gob-smacked, as the Brits sometimes say. I decided that regardless of not having read the book, I needed to write about this, now. (I've since read the book -- I'll be posting about that next week -- and I got sidetracked by life over the past few days -- but I'm still sufficiently hot under the collar about the review that I decided to publish this post now anyway.)

Cusk opens her review with a rambling comparison between her creative writing students -- students wanting to be writers -- and women embarking on IVF. 

Some of them [her writing students] had been longer in pursuit of that goal than others, and for these more thwarted individuals I sometimes felt fear — that they would spend all their money and time on what would in the end prove a fruitless ambition, and more, that they had started to idealize “being a writer,” to detach it from what writing really was or ever could be.

Oooookay.

Then I read this:

“It never occurred to me that I couldn’t have children” is a statement that crops up frequently in the literature of I.V.F. A definition of subjectivity might be the failure to see what was given, and to understand thereby the meaning of what was not. The wisdom of experience is perhaps a wisdom of givens; but how can a parent — for whom the business of having children represents an accumulation of experience so colossal that it’s almost impossible to imagine what her world would have looked like without it — understand someone locked in the moment where the original impulse to have a child occurred, a moment that to them has become almost irrelevant? All parents know is that in that moment, they knew nothing at all.  [emphasis added]

Ouch. This is the ultimate sort of Smug Mommy remark, the kind of throwaway comment ("Oh, I can't IMAGINE my life without my kids...!")  that cuts infertile women to the quick and still has the power to smart, years after treatment has been abandoned. The condescension practically drips off the page. Poor deluded crazy infertiles, obsessing over something that clearly was not Meant to Be. Thinking they know what parenthood is going to be like, when they clearly understand nothing of the sort.

When conception & pregnancy come easily, I suppose it's easy to dismiss that initial impulse/desire to have a child as "irrelevant." And I am sure all parents, in retrospect, realize how little they knew when they first set out to have a child. As I wrote recently, there's a big difference between thinking you're knowledgeable and prepared and then finding out, in the thick of things, how very little you actually know about any given situation. I was writing about infertility treatment and pregnancy loss, but it's also completely applicable to parenthood. I can understand that parents might find the naivete of prospective parents-to-be amusing.  Most of them, though, have the good grace to keep their mouths shut about it.

Leigh's assumption that she will be able to combine motherhood and a creative life also seems to raise Cusk's hackles:

...it is surprising to hear her dismiss in a couple of lines — replete, what’s more, with clichés — the honorable testimony of female literary history regarding what very much is the rocket science of combining artistic endeavor with family life. Her tone reminds me of the recent blitheness of the Brex­iteers, assuring they would “find a way” to make British independence work, despite the evidence to the contrary supplied by people who knew what they were talking about.

How dare she!! Right?

"Who is to blame?" Cusk concludes (!):

If one were not interested in the question of accountability, it would be simple merely to say that I.V.F. didn’t work for Leigh and her husband. But what is most distressing about “Avalanche” is also what makes it important: It is the work of a palpably weakened author, a testimony of personal suffering whose legitimacy — on this telling — seems to have gone outrageously ­unquestioned. [emphasis added]

Wow. Just... wow.
 

I was not alone in my reaction to Cusk's review. "What On Earth Was The New York Times Book Review Editor Thinking?" asked fellow childless-not-by-choice blogger Pamela Tsigdinos in Medium: 

...readers and reviewers may agree or disagree on the merits of the book. Does it engage? Illuminate? In my estimation it does both. Those, however, were not the questions answered or explored in The New York Times Book Review. Rather, Ms. Cusk’s review oozed with personal judgment.

Parenting writer Elissa Strauss offered a deft critique of Cusk's review on Slate's Double X blog, calling it "a lesson in how not to write about infertility:"

Cusk’s sideways dismissal of the experience of women going through infertility treatment, the sharpest corner in a largely amorphous piece, is a great illustration of why we need more writing on the subject. The review may not be an endorsement of the books themselves, but it stands as proof as to why they are necessary. Our collective understanding of reproductive challenges is so limited, so lacking in nuance, that even the most perceptive thinkers land in hackneyed, and insensitive, terrain when exploring the subject.... 

Infertility treatment  can be physically, emotionally, financially and, sometimes, ethically trying. It can be hard to know when to start, and even harder to know when to stop. To take something this complex and reduce it to an act of myopia or selfishness is really to miss the point.

(Thank you, Ms Strauss!)  

Interestingly, Cusk's was actually the second review of Belle Boggs' book published by the Times in less than a week. The first, printed a few days earlier, was written by Jennifer Senior, author of "All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood," which I reviewed here. Senior's review was much more sympathetic, albeit not entirely positive. She made a few well-considered points about how Boggs' book could have been better -- a lack of diversity, a rote rehash of certain topics. Fair enough. I would have liked to read HER review of Leigh's book.

Why not read the book(s), judge for yourself and let the rest of us know what you think? Pamela is hosting a book tour on Wednesday, Sept. 21st, where different bloggers who have read "Avalanche" will offer up their opinions -- and their questions for the author. I will be one of them :) and I hope you'll consider joining us! It's not a long book, so there is still time to participate. Check out the details on how to participate on Pamela's blog.

Pamela has already written about "Avalanche" for Huffington Post. 

Mali also reviewed "Avalanche" on her blog earlier this summer.

Arrrrgghhhhhh.....

I don't know much about British politics, or about the two contenders to succeed Prime Minister David Cameron as leader of the Conservative Party, except that both are women in their 50s. I suppose it was (sadly) inevitable, then, that the motherhood question would come up.

Last week, I saw an interview with Theresa May, which lasered in on the fact that she does not have children (apparently not by choice).

Then tonight, headlines started popping up in my newsfeed that the other contender, Andrea Leadsom, gave an interview suggesting that she would make a better leader than May because she has children, and therefore has a stake in the future of the country.

I was reminded of similar kerfuffle in Canadian (Alberta provincial) politics a couple of years ago, which I blogged about here. In this case, it was an underling who made some nasty comments;  both of the then-leaders involved handled themselves with dignity (thank goodness!!).

It seems ludicrous to me to imply that mothers (or fathers, for that matter) are somehow better qualified for roles in public life, simply because they are parents. Of course, mothers who enter politics also get harangued by the press about whether their husbands support their ambitions and how they will juggle the demands of both work and parenting. (You don't generally see men being asked the same kinds of questions, do you?)  Either way, it seems, women in politics are screwed. :(  No wonder people are reluctant to run for public office...

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends: The whine & cheese edition ;)

What happened to September??! 

• I am still having some issues with leaving comments on WordPress & self-hosted blogs. I press "submit" & poof!  the comment vanishes into thin air. :p  I've contacted some of the bloggers directly, where there's a way/email address, & I'm told my comments have been directed to the spam folder, for some reason??  In some cases, it's happened more than once on the same blog, even after I've contacted the blogger. I have no idea why this is happening, but if you have a WordPress or self-hosted blog and haven't heard from me lately... ;) 
•  
• The online book group I belong to (which has been a 99.9% positive experience) has just wrapped up discussion on another selection. As I mentioned in my review here, near the end of the story, one of the main characters wound up with a "surprise!" pregnancy after several years of marriage/ttc, when she was around 40 (pretty ancient in those days).  This really irked me -- and during our discussion of that chapter, I got up the nerve to post a comment to that effect, because it was (& still is) such a cliché and (as I knew from personal experience) it doesn't always happen. (Sometimes, yes, but not always.) Of course, member after member promptly piled on to tell me about their friend/aunt/sister/cousin/neighbour/self who got pregnant at a late age after they "gave up" and "relaxed." ARGH. Serves me right for opening my big (cyber)mouth. :p 
• I'm going through some insomnia lately. I usually go to bed around 10:30-11. Then I wake up around 2-3 a.m. (washroom trip) -- and I can't go back to sleep again. :p  I like to cuddle up to dh -- but then I get horribly hot & have to change positions again, which wakes me up even more. Dh often gets up around 6:30 -- I'll usually stay in bed & sometimes will drift off for another hour or so. The other night, I had trouble falling asleep (last time I checked the clock it was past midnight).  I was wide awake at 3 & by 5, I was starting to feel hungry (!) so I finally gave up & went downstairs & made breakfast, but I was yawning by mid-afternoon. I was reading an article on menopause the other day, & sleep disturbances were one of the symptoms they discussed. I'm not THROUGH menopause yet (no thank you, Aunt Flo... :p ) but at 54, I am definitely in the ballpark. :p A few weeks ago, though, I was sleeping like a log from 10:30 through to 5ish & then falling asleep again until 7:30ish. So perhaps things will get better again in awhile. I have to say, though, times like these are when I am so, so grateful I don't have to get up before 5 to head off to work anymore. I did have some nights like these when I was still working, & it totally sucked. :p

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.       

The Current

Going through some old posts, found this meme, originally done in July 2012, and inspired by a similar post at By the Brooke. Time for a refresh! ;)

Current Book(s) -- I have several books in my pile right now that are partially read. I started reading "Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed" a while back -- a collection of essays edited by Meagan Daum about childlessness -- before I got distracted with something else. As a collection of essays, it's easy to dip in & out of.

Then a couple of weeks ago, we saw "Ricki & the Flash," starring Meryl Streep as an aging rock star (!!)(as I said to dh, "Is there anything that woman can't do??")  -- and someone I hadn't thought about in eons, playing her guitarist/love interest -- Rick Springfield (AKA Dr. Noah Drake of "General Hospital" and singer of "Jessie's Girl" and other '80s power pop gems). I remembered I had his memoir "Late Late at Night" in my "unread" collection & brought it up from the basement.

I got a few chapters into that (the verdict so far: self-indulgent, but rather amusing -- interesting childhood) -- and then we visited the bookstore the same day that Chrissie Hynde's memoir, "Reckless," went on sale (and at 40% off to boot). I loved the Pretenders, back in the day. So I put down Rick & picked up Chrissie. (So far, not much sex, but lots of drugs and lots of rock & roll.) 

(And then I saw a feature about Duran Duran on CBS Sunday Morning -- which reminded me that I have John Taylor's memoir "In the Pleasure Groove" also waiting for me, unread... too many books, too little time, lol...)

If/when I finally finish any of these, I'll provide full reviews. ;) 

Current Playlist -- I (still) don't have an iPod or the like for digital music, but I do sometimes listen to CDs on the stereo while I'm cleaning house or when dh is out. My most recent CD purchase was a greatest hits collection by the 1960s band Paul Revere & the Raiders (Kicks, Just Like Me). Their schtick was that they performed wearing Revolutionary War-era costumes -- tricorn hats, knee-length breeches & boots and waistcoats. (They actually recorded "Louie Louie" around the same time as the Kingsmen, but the other version was the one that most people remember.) Paul recently passed away, which renewed my interest in the group -- I had a greatest hits collection on cassette, but that was among the stuff I gave to Oldest Nephew earlier this summer.

We listen to the local rock station on the radio in the car, which mostly plays classic rock but also some new(er) stuff. I am kind of enjoying hearing some new(er) bands, so long as it's rock & roll.  A lot of what passes for music these days simply does not interest me. :p  (My teenaged self could never have imagined saying that... of course, my teenaged self probably could never have imagined rap or hiphop either, lol.) 

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure -- Didn't I just say I was reading Rick Springfield's memoir?? ;) 

Current Color -- No particular one, but I have been wearing a bit of purple lately. : ) I find I tend to look best in "jewel" tones.

Current Drink -- Starbucks tea lattes (tall non-fat Royal English Breakfast).

Current Food -- I've been eating a lot of fish & chips lately, when we eat out. Generally a safe choice when you're trying to avoid tomatos. ;)

Current Favorite Show -- "Who Do You Think You Are?"  (which just concluded another season here in North America).  Formulaic in how it unfolds, but some really interesting stories uncovered. It's every genealogist's dream to walk into an archive & have an expert hand over a folder of documents (pre-translated!) and answer all your questions.

Current Wishlist -- A magic wand to wave that will magically complete all the little projects & repairs that need doing around the house...!  I also have book wishlists with both Chapters/Indigo and Amazon.

Current Needs -- As I've blogged before, I am in desperate need of a new mattress set & bed linens, but trying to hold out until Aunt Flo finally bows out for good. At the rate she is hanging around, though, I may have to cave sooner vs later...!

Current Triumphs -- Some good genealogical finds lately. : )

Current Bane of my Existence -- The neighbours two doors down, whose yard is rarely mowed and and looks like a junkyard to boot. It looks like they may (finally??!) be doing some work inside the house, but outside?  Among the items cluttering their front porch and resting along (both) sides of the garage: several garbage bags (many, many garbage days have come & gone since these made an appearance, but, nevermind...), several sheets of drywall, rolls of torn-up carpet, an old barbecue (complete with rusted propane tank), a television set (presumably not working, but who knows), assorted empty beer bottles...  (Not just one but TWO seldom-used lawn mowers sat outside in the snow all through last winter. Also, the window in one car was broken and left open through several winter months as well, with snow drifting in (and God knows what else). )  There is obviously no room in the garage to park the car or store any of this stuff, & the door is hanging halfway off its hinges, does not close properly. No doubt animals have taken up residence inside. :p

People have complained to the city in the past (and we may yet do so) -- they will sometimes make a half-hearted attempt to clean things up but within a few months it's back to the same old same old. :p  I will admit our house is no showplace, but at least we keep the lawn mowed and neat looking.  They make the whole neighbourhood look run down.  

On the bright side, the eavestrough that came loose in about March -- 2014, not 2015 (I kid you not), and spent more than a year precariously resting, diagonally, on top of the garage roof -- was finally restored to its proper place recently.

Current Celebrity Crush -- Aidan Turner, AKA Ross Poldark. Yum!! ;)  I see (via social media) that filming on the second season of "Poldark" recently began.

Current Indulgence -- Haagen Dasz ice cream bars. 

Current #1 Blessing -- Being able to sleep in every morning. :) 

Current Slang or Saying --  Hmmm, not sure I have one.

Current Outfit -- A pair of Gap "boyfriend" shorts in a sort of golden brown colour, and a black ribbed American Eagle tank top.

Current Excitement -- Just a little over one year to Oldest Nephew's wedding (eeeeekkkkkkk.....!!!)!!!

Current Mood -- Slightly melancholy. Summer is almost gone & while I like fall, it means that winter is once again just around the corner...

And maybe you're just being an idiot...

Did you happen to see the blog post by a woman named Janine Kovac, published this past week on a site called Role/Reboot -- an open letter to a friend she addresses as "Doris," who has not (yet?) had children. "Maybe You Are Ready for Kids, You're Just Not Paying Attention," the post is titled and it all goes downhill from there.

There are so many things wrong with this post, I can't even begin to list them. All I can say is, if you're trying to talk your friend into having a baby, Janine, this is definitely NOT the way to go about it. :p  (Not that anyone can, or should try to "talk" someone into having a baby they're not ready for or not sure they want, anyway...).

A few responses I've run across (hearteningly, many of them are written by mothers):

An Open Letter to Janine Kovac (also on Role/Reboot)

Open Letter to 'Clock-Ticking' Childless Women Makes Moms Look Condescending & Self-Righteous (from The Stir)

Motherhood isn't the path to enlightenment for all women (by Mary Elizabeth Williams on Salon -- the first piece I actually read on this subject). How can you not love this summation at the end:

Take it from a mom, Doris. A very happy one whose daughters are straight up the greatest people in the world. Have kids. Or don’t have kids. But you don’t have to make your choices based on the incredibly condescending notion that raising children is the way to enlightenment, or that the alternate road leads to having nothing in life to care about but your iPhone. The only person who can ever fulfill you is you, Doris. And you have infinite worth and value right now, just as you are. Don’t let anybody ever try to tell you otherwise.

It's always something...

I was horrified to read a news item this week that Gilda's Club in Madison, Wisconsin, is changing its name -- to the far catchier (NOT) “The Cancer Support Community Southwest Wisconsin.” Because, they claim, young people today don't know who "Gilda" was.

This is just WRONG on so many levels.

First of all, if you don't know Gilda -- you should. (Whatever happened to curiosity? -- if you don't know who Gilda was -- ask!  Find out!!  Look her up on YouTube or Google -- isn't that what the Internet is for??)

Gilda's Clubs are named for Gilda Radner, an original cast member of Saturday Night Live from the 1970s. She left SNL in 1980, and died in 1989 at age 42 from ovarian cancer.

I was 14 when SNL made its debut in 1975. Today, almost (gulp) 40 years later, SNL is something of an institution, but back then, it was original, iconoclastic. It was like nothing we had seen before. In those days, before VCRs, kids would still show up to school on Monday mornings repeating lines from the skits they'd seen on the weekend. Parties would come to a standstill on Saturday nights at 10:30 as we'd all gather around the TV set to watch Gilda, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, et al, along with musical guests that you just didn't get to see anywhere else. 

Without Gilda (and the two other women in the original cast, Jane Curtin -- later of "Kate & Allie" and "Third Rock from the Sun" -- & Laraine Newman), there would be no Tina Fey, Amy Poehler or Kristen Wiig. 

Gilda said that “Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club I’d rather not belong to." In 1991, a few years after her death, her husband, the actor Gene Wilder, and several of her friends founded the first Gilda's Clubs -- a place where people living with cancer, their friends and families, could meet to support each other in a homelike setting, free of charge.

Apparently, a few years ago, Gilda's Clubs merged with a similar support organization, and they are now under pressure to "rebrand."


*** *** ***

Second:

If you apply the same principle, I would think that institutions like Carnegie Hall & Rockefeller Plaza are due for a renaming, because really, these days, who knows or cares who Andrew Carnegie or John D. Rockefeller were?

Does anyone know who Susan G. Komen was? 

And so on.

As Elissa Freeman noted on Canada.com,

"As news of the name drop gathered steam over the twittersphere, many wondered if we should also change the name of Martin Luther King Day to some more modern African American man who helped change the course of history? And since Christ hasn’t been around for a couple of centuries now, perhaps we should rename that big celebration we have on December 25th too?"

(Some would argue that we're doing that already, with the trend towards saying, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." But, I digress...)


*** *** ***
Third:  

Quite frankly, I am sick & tired of names being constantly changed on me. Too many things today are being named for corporations, not people -- and then when the corporations get bought by another corporation, or the corporation declines to renew its naming rights to a certain property -- the names associated with the company change.

Here in Toronto, one of the more famous examples is a theatre that was, when it was built in 1960, originally named "The O'Keefe Centre." (Admittedly, after a brewery -- which has long since ceased to exist, at least by that name.) Suddenly, after almost 40 years, it became "The Hummingbird Centre" in 1996.  The WHAT? (A software company, I think.) OK.

I was JUST getting used to calling it the Hummingbird Centre when -- whoops! -- it became the Sony Centre in 2007. It is still called that (or at least, it was, last time I checked). 

When Toronto opened its brand-new, then-state-of-the-art domed stadium back in 1989, part of the hoopla surrounding its debut was a naming contest. The eventual winner was "SkyDome," with a fancy logo to go along with it (the capital "D" open like the roof to let the sun in).  Everyone knew what the SkyDome was. The name instantly evokes an image.

But in 2005, the stadium was sold and renamed after the new owner -- a communications conglomerate -- and now it's known as the Rogers Centre. (I keep wondering what the original naming contest winner thinks of that.) The adjacent SkyDome Hotel is now called the Renaissance Toronto Downtown Hotel.  How are people supposed to know THAT's the hotel where you can watch the Blue Jays play from your hotel room??

I hate giving people directions in downtown Toronto these days, because half the time, I am naming landmarks that no longer exist, at least by those particular names. ("Turn right at BCE Place... oops, Brookfield Place... walk until you come to the Movenpick Marche Restaurant -- wait, Richtree -- no, come to think of it, it's Marche again...")  When Eatons department store finally drew its last breath, there was some question as to whether the Toronto Eaton Centre would retain its name (so far, so good...knocking wood) -- and every now & then, I hear rumbles that the iconic CN Tower, perhaps this city's best-known landmark, may soon be called something entirely different. Bah!!

Anyway -- you get the idea.

*** *** ***

Fourth: 

Mary Elizabeth Williams, a writer on Salon who is living with cancer and supports her local Gilda's Club, made this important point:

"...there’s a reason that organizations are named after people. There’s a reason that a name resonates in the heart of someone facing a disease in a way that a bland, Cancer Support Community Southwest Wisconsin, does not. It’s because it makes it personal and intimate. It creates the unique and powerful and so necessary experience of identification and empathy. It sure as hell says to people with cancer, “You’re not forgotten,” which is actually a very big deal for a whole lot of us going through it. [Emphasis mine.] My kids certainly didn’t know who Gilda was when we started going to the clubhouse. They do now. And they love her. They love her because she’s real to them. She’s there smiling from a picture on the wall when they walk in. She’s there for all of us in the club, a beacon of laughter and warmth."

This really resonated with me, particularly as childless-not-by-choice woman -- because if there is one thing that we fear (well, one thing among others...!) it's being forgotten. :( 

Gilda was "one of us."  She did not have children. She and her husband were trying to conceive;  she had two miscarriages and was going through fertility treatment when she was diagnosed. 

Was Gilda's cancer caused, or exacerbated, by the powerful fertility drugs she was taking? Nobody knows for sure. A link between fertility drugs & cancer has yet to be definitively proven. As it turned out, Gilda's grandmother, aunt and cousin all died of ovarian cancer, so genetics were not in her favour either. But I have to admit, stories like hers (and there are too many of them for my comfort) are one reason why I abandoned treatment when I did. And why I faithfully keep my annual checkup appointments with Dr. Ob-gyn.

Gilda was not just a very funny woman, but a wise and thoughtful one too. Read her memoir, "It's Always Something." One of my favourite quotes ever, which appears on the right-hand sidebar of this blog, is taken from that book. Gilda took the lemons that life had handed her and made some delicious lemonade in the time she had left.  "While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die -- whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness," she said.

*** *** ***

Gilda's Club Toronto has announced that it will not be changing its name, citing Gilda's still-strong ties to this city. Bravo!

Mid-July odds & ends

• It feels like it's been awhile since I last posted. I guess it has been over a week. (a) I've been busy, especially at work :p  & (b) I really haven't felt inspired. Summertime laziness, I guess.
• Plus, it was damned hot & humid here earlier this week -- even though I spend most of the day in air conditioned comfort, I find it still saps my energy.  Everyone at our office was complaining about how tired they felt. 
• I am also sadly behind in my blog reading & commenting. I can't remember the last time my Google Reader was below 1,000 posts, let alone clear. Gulp. (I do read non-ALI blogs -- including a few political ones that publish dozens of posts daily & contribute to these inflated numbers.)  My apologies.
• What can I say about last night's gun rampage in Colorado that hasn't already been said?  :( 
• I got chills when I read that one of the victims had narrowly escaped being shot at the Toronto Eaton Centre last month, and had blogged about the experience.  (I blogged about the Eaton Centre shooting here.)  
• Hearing about the gunman's booby-trapped apartment & massive quantities of ammunition and explosives reminded me of the huge cache of weapons, ammunition and explosive devices that was discovered in a home in a quiet neighbourhood in a town north of the city last week. Neighbours had to be evacuated and kept away from their homes for days while police went through the house. They had to be evacuated again this morning when the cops found yet more dangerous stuff cached away. What on earth is wrong with people these days???
• There was another shooting locally on Monday night at a block party that left two people dead and 23 wounded. It happened just a few blocks away from where FIL lives.  This stuff is getting a little too close to home for comfort. :( 
• Last weekend, 17 people were struck by lightning at an event in another suburban community near ours. None of their injuries were life-threatening, thankfully, but I know several people who were supposed to be there or who live nearby and could have been there. I haven't heard from all of them, and I am hoping they were all safe.
• Dh & I were actually not far away at the time, taking in a Sunday afternoon matinee of Woody Allen's new movie, "To Rome With Love." It's not his best -- last year's "Midnight in Paris" was much better -- but I don't think it's his worst either -- it was mildly entertaining. The scenery, as you might expect, is fabulous!
• Dh's & my favourite line of the movie comes near the end.  Jesse Eisenberg comments "I guess with age comes wisdom."  To which Alec Baldwin emphatically replies, "With age comes exhaustion."  Now I call THAT wisdom, lol. ; )
• We recently ran into a former support group client, who endured infertility, multiple losses and a failed adoption before deciding, like us, to remain childless/free. It was a long and difficult road -- but she told us life is good these days. I am so glad!!
• Today is my dad's 73rd birthday. (Happy birthday, Dad!)  I called him on Skype and got to see The Princess (there with her parents for dinner & cake) as a bonus. My sister was there too & warned me to start lifting weights -- the Princess is not quite 11 months old and weighs almost 26 pounds!! 

"If you like families so much, why don't you have children?"

I don't live in the province of Alberta. (Mrs. Spit may be more qualified to write this post, from that perspective.) I don't know much about the politics there or the current election campaign, except that both major parties, the Conservatives (currently in power) and the Wildrose Party, are led by women, meaning it is almost certain that the next premier will be a woman. But as a childless-not-by-choice woman, I was appalled to hear that a Conservative Party staff member issued a snarky tweet asking why, if Wildrose leader Danielle Smith, 41 years old, likes families so much (referring to certain policy promises), she has no children of her own." Smith responded with this statement:

“In the last day the question has been raised about why I don’t have children of my own. When David and I married in 2006 we intended to have children together. After a few years we sought help from the Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic. I appreciated the support and assistance of the caring staff as we went through tests and treatments, but in the end we were not successful. “I consider myself very fortunate to have a terrific stepson, Jonathan, David’s son from a previous marriage. I am also blessed to have grown up in a large family with four siblings who have given me the opportunity to be the auntie of 5 terrific nieces and nephews: Emily, Sam, Chloe, Seyenna and Logan. “Family is very important to me and I consider this to be a very personal matter. I will not be commenting on it further.”

Current premier & Conservative leader Alison Redford, 49 years old and the mother of a young daughter, issued a statement calling the tweet "entirely inappropriate... hurtful and does not reflect my values nor those of my campaign in any way." She also called Smith personally. The staffer who made the tweet has resigned. This is not the first time that childless (for whatever reason) female politicians have had to endure inappropriate comments related to their lack of children. In my own blog here, I've highlighted several cases, including U.S. Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan, and, in Australia, Prime Minister Julia Gillard. Childless male politicians tend to get off easier -- although in Britain awhile back, William Hague responded to rumours that he was gay by issuing a statement that he & his wife had tried for years to have children and had suffered multiple miscarriages. I'm curious about the staffer who made the Tweet. Does SHE have children herself? One comment I read suggested she was young and childless, and that perhaps time and life experience would give her a different perspective. I hope so (but reading other comments, I'm not entirely hopeful). Do people who make these kinds of comments not stop to think about just WHY someone might not have children (not that it's really any of their business anyway)? If it's because of fertility issues, such questions are a painful reminder; if it's because the person does not want children, it can be highly annoying. Story about the incident in Huffington Post Canada Commetary by Hina P. Ansari: Being Childless: Why Don't Our Opinions Count?

Article: "The War on Only Children"

Salon had a great article by Mary Elizabeth Williams recently about "The War on Only Children." As I read, I couldn't help but compare the reactions she describes to her status as an only child to the typical reactions those of us who are childless/free (for whatever reason) get when people find out that we don't have kids. Tell me, does any of this sound vaguely familiar?

I was making small talk with a woman I’d just met when the inevitable subject of family came up. “Do you have any brothers and sisters?” she’d asked. “No,” I’d replied. And there it was: the subtle change in her expression, the quick reassessment, the pinched face I’ve seen a thousand times before. “Well, that must have been nice for you,” she replied. “You must have been so spoiled.”

It’s one of the standard responses we “onlies” get — near strangers denigrating us because of our parents’ reproductive habits. Nobody ever says, “Youngest of four? So you’re really immature, right?” or “You’re a twin? Wow, you must be a total dick.” But I didn’t answer, “Yeah, after my dad left my 21-year-old mom when she was pregnant with me, you can imagine what a cosseted, pampered existence this princess had.” That’s because I didn’t want to get the other classic reaction: unbridled pity for my no doubt sad, lonely existence. Hi, what year is this?

Growing up in my mostly Irish-Catholic neighborhood, I understood that I was an anomaly. Hell, just having parents who were divorced was considered exotic. Back then, I generally shrugged off my dubious reputation as both wildly pampered and horribly starved for company, content with my childhood claim to fame as The Girl Who Didn’t Have to Share.

As I grew older, I met other onlies. It wasn’t always easy to find them – shockingly, they look a lot like everybody else. We exchanged stories of our similar bad and sad reps, but I noticed we almost never expressed a longing for a different fate. We were just a contented if misunderstood minority. But times have changed. There are now roughly 20 million only children in America, representing nearly a quarter of all our families. You’d think those swelling ranks would have changed those misconceptions. So how come if we don’t smoke in bars anymore, we’re still dissing only children?

I particularly loved this paragraph:

It’s especially galling to hear the contempt for onlies – that vaguely snide attitude that the real selfishness is on the part of the parents – coming as it does within a culture in which the subjects of infertility, pregnancy loss, deferred child rearing, and divorce are the stuff of idle playground chatter. If a child you know has no siblings, chances are you know the reasons why. It’s rarely because the parents are such big jerks. But whether it’s by the hand of fate or conscious decision, who’s to knock another’s choices, anyway? Why be a self-appointed Goldilocks of family size, bloviating that one is pathetic, five is pushing it, but two or three is juuuuust right? As my friend Anne’s mother once sagely told her, having one is a long way from the worst thing you could do to a child.

Read the entire article here. And thank you, Mary Elizabeth Williams!

Facebook and the great parental disconnect

In light of my recent post about Facebook, I would be remiss in not drawing your attention to this absolutely brilliant post Facebook-related post from Julie at A Little Pregnant.

Warning: may induce fits of giggles & extreme temptation to literally ROFLMAO. Not recommended for a cubicle environment. (I learned this the hard way.)

*** *** ***

Julie's post links to a story (front page in the print edition, apparently!) in the Washington Post about what happens when infertility collides with Facebook. There was more than the usual share of nasty comments about how we all really need to just "get a life" and "learn to be happy for other people." (!) And that got me thinking about a weird world we live in.

Our culture right now glorifies pregnancy, motherhood, babies & families (with two parents, one of each gender, & the minimum 2.2 children, of course)(preferably one of each kind). You can't walk into a newsstand or turn on the TV without seeing "baby bumps," pregnancy storylines, or at least one headline with the word "pregnant" or "baby" in it (often in screaming capital letters). Every other ad on TV features an adorable baby, someone announcing their pregnancy (think iPhone commercials), or kids & parents modelling some phase of idealized family life.

At every social gathering, the conversation of our family members, friends & coworkers revolves around everyone's kids. What they're doing. When they should be doing it. What they're eating. What the stuff in their diapers looks like, & whether that's normal. What they're doing in school. What they're doing after school. The cute things they're saying. Bringing up other subjects is futile. Inevitably, somehow, some way, the conversation will creep back to the subject of the children.

Yep, pregnancy & babies are soooooo wonderful! Everybody's doing it!! YOU should be doing it!

How many kids do you have? Really? Why not? When are you going to get pregnant too? (Better hurry up, you know, you're not getting any younger!!) Come on, my kid needs a playmate/cousin! I need a niece/nephew/grandchild/godchild/friend's kid to spoil. Don't you WANT kids? Don't you WANT to be like everyone else?

(Ummm, well, yeah. Not everyone does, of course, but most of us do. But some of us find that is a little easier said than done.)

What's that? You're having problems getting pregnant?

Well, hey, cheer up, you know, it's not such a big deal. Kids really aren't that great anyway. (??!!) Infertility is not the end of the world. Things could be worse. There are children starving in Africa, you know. (Of course, you wouldn't understand what it's like to watch a child in pain, since you're not a mom...)

Maybe you're just not praying hard enough. Or relaxing enough -- maybe you should take a vacation. Or maybe you just weren't meant to be a parent. (By the way, did you hear that my sister is pregnant again? It was an accident! She says her husband just has to LOOK at her & she gets knocked up! Maybe you should ask him how it's done, hahahahaha...)

Or maybe -- you should just adopt! Biology isn't everything, you know. There are so many kids out there who need good homes! You want kids? -- take mine, please, hahahaha....

Suck it up! Get over yourself!

The people who say these things, of course, are almost always either parents themselves(usually the biological sort), or have no intention of ever becoming parents.)

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks there is a HUGE disconnect here somewhere???

Either pregnancy & having kids really is as wonderful as everyone says it is -- in which case, you would think people would be more sympathetic to those of us who find it more difficult if not downright impossible to achieve something that comes so easily to the vast majority, and (as most of them will tell you -- in glowing, gushing terms) lends so much meaning to their lives.

Or (as I have heard some childfree-by-choice folk suggest) it's really NOT that great -- & all this talk about baby bumps & orgasmic births is really just propaganda -- an evil delusional plot cooked up by (a) corporations, who realize cute babies are good for business, & want to sell us more stuff, &/or (b) religious types who take their "go forth & multiply" instructions quite seriously. And when parents realize the truth, they go along with the sham because misery loves company, & heaven forbid we don't suffer dirty diapers & 3 a.m. feedings & teething pains (& later, stuff like teenage house parties, as per my previous post...!) along with the rest of them. In other words, their loud protests about how we the childless & infertile are infringing on their parental joy is simply a mask for a serious case of the green-eyed monster.

Or maybe people are just so unknowing & uncomfortable with anything that falls outside their own limited frame of reference, that challenges their vision of the norm -- that even smacks of something unpleasant intruding on the periphery of their rose-tinted glasses -- that they automatically shy away from it and fall back on platitudes to mask their discomfort.

Or maybe some people really are just idiots. (Another distinct possibility.)

What do you think?

*** *** ***

After writing this, I found a brilliant response to Julie's post this morning from Msfitzita. Go read it now.

Babies grow up to be TEENAGERS...

There are certain times when I'm actually glad I don't have kids -- especially when I read articles like this. Yikes!!!

One of those days....

• Day 3 of G-20 week. Woke up this morning to hear that the bomb squad was searching a house in a very nice area of Toronto (!) & that it was "G-20 related."
• When we got to work, we heard there was a scare on the subway (which turned out to be nothing).
• More police & security officers, everywhere.
• About 1:45 p.m., I was sitting at my desk when I felt an odd sort of vibration/swaying sensation. My first thought was "explosion" -- but there wasn't really any sound. People started popping out of their cubicles saying, "Did you feel that?" A few minutes later, we learned it was an earthquake. We later learned it was at least 5.0 on the Richter scale, centred north of Ottawa. It's not the first earthquake I've been in since moving to southern Ontario 25+ years ago, but it's the first time I've been in one at work. Growing up on the Prairies sure doesn't prepare you for these things...!
• I heard from a friend in Ottawa that their offices were being evacuated but no such luck here. We did get an e-mail from security, assuring us that our data centres were unaffected. As Archie Bunker used to say, "Whoop-dee-doo." :p
• Went downstairs to get a tea, passed by two pregnant women en route, had one standing in line ahead of me & one in the line beside me. It just seemed par for the course...!
• On the train ride home, I got to listen to two idiots not only going through the crossword puzzle together -- loudly-- but the guy was actually SINGING some of the clues to his girlfriend. (!!)
• I get to work from home tomorrow & Friday; however, dh still has to go into the city. Protest activity is expected to escalate over the next few days. We didn't ask for this (whose bright idea was it...??), & I can't wait for it to be over. I haven't slept well all week.

"Yummy Mummies" need to get a clue

Did you know last Sunday was International Babylost Mother's Day? (Me either -- I found out after the fact.) It's a project started by Carly, who is well known among bereaved parents for her blog To Write Their Names in the Sand.

Of course, that "other" holiday is fast approaching. The drumbeat of advertising & media hype is growing louder. It's inescapable, it seems.

You can imagine my feelings, then, when reading the paper this morning on the commuter train, I came across this article: Top 10 Reasons Why Mother's Day Sucks . And no, I didn't write it (lol), nor did anyone in the ALI community.

Believe it or not, it's a list compiled from a survey of 300 MOTHERS by the Yummy Mummy Club (which is run by Erica Ehm, a former MuchMusic VJ renowned for her ditziness). And no, it makes no reference to the sucky-ness of infertility or pregnancy/infant loss (although, to be fair, #3 does nod to the fact that "Many mothers are missing special women in their life").

No, according to these MOMS, Mother's Day sucks because moms still have to do all the work, husbands use the line "You're not my mother" to get out of buying them a gift, the gifts they do get suck, and so on.

Yes, I get that mothers are unheard & underappreciated. But YOU STILL GET TO BE A MOTHER. (And a Yummy Mummy, at that, or so it seems...) Your CHILDREN are your gift.

Do you know how many of us would give anything to spend even just one more day with the children we have lost?

Do you know how many thousands & thousands of dollars some of us have spent, how much financial and physical and mental and emotional stress some of us have been through, trying to have families of our own, through medical treatments &/or adoption?

Do you know how much it hurts for us to read a list like this?

Let me tell you, chickies: you have NO FRIGGIN' IDEA just HOW MUCH Mother's Day CAN suck...

(Boy, that felt good to write out, lol...)

NYT Well: "Does cancer make you strong?"

The New York Times's Well blog had a great piece a few days ago about a new book called “Everything Changes: An Insider’s Guide to Cancer in Your 20s and 30s” by Kairol Rosenthal.

The blog entry focused on a particular aspect of the cancer experience explored in the book (and in a recent post on Rosenthal's own blog): what to say to someone who has cancer, & (especially) what not to say. In particular, the article focused on the tendency for well-meaning family & friends to tell the cancer patient about how "strong" & "brave" they are. Writes Rosenthal:

"I think it is great to honor cancer patients and recognize the challenges we face. But don’t call me strong when I have no other choice. It discounts the many nights that I sobbed alone into my pillow and felt cowardice in every inch of my body."

I don't want to discount the very real & awful & unique challenges faced by cancer patients. But I honestly think you could go through the article & substitute "infertility" or "pregnancy loss" for "cancer," and the words would be just as true -- so much of what I read sounded soooooo familiar...!!

I know that personally, whenever anyone told me how "strong" I was, I would find myself muttering, "I don't FEEL very strong." Or when people would say, "I just can't imagine..." I would think, "You don't WANT to imagine." I realize people mean well, but, uttering such trite cliches tends to discount & gloss over the way that those of us facing difficult situations REALLY feel.

Read the piece here -- and read the comments, too! -- and tell me what you think! (The first comment is a tad snarky, but the vast majority that I read agree with the author.)