YES!!!!!! Casting for three of the four main roles in the movie version of Richard Osman's "The Thursday Murder Club" was announced on Tuesday: Helen Mirren as Elizabeth (the ONLY person I could ever picture in the role!!), Ben Kingsley as Ibrahim (on my casting list as a possibility), and Pierce Brosnan as Ron. Never would have thought of him! -- but I think he will work out fine! Joyce, still TBA. (I've always pictured Penelope Wilton, or possibly Julie Walters.) I love, love, LOVE these books! I am so happy with these casting choices, and I CANNOT WAIT!!! to see the movie! ❤ (Haven't been to a movie theatre since pre-pandemic -- this would be worth risking covid for! lol)
Links to my reviews of the books in the series, in order of publication:
I kind of forgot (as I often do) that this was National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been busy and I haven't been on social media as much this week as I sometimes am, so I didn't realize it until I was looking at some Instagram posts -- "oh yeah...!" It kind of feels like it doesn't apply to me anymore, as someone 20+ years out from fertility treatments, and permanently childless.
Except that it DOES apply. I'm (still) infertile, and always will be -- nothing has changed in that respect. And I saw a great Instagram Story from Katy at Childless Collective, pointing out that a good chunk (probably the majority!) of the billions upon billions of dollars in profits made by the pharmaceutical companies who are the major sponsors of NIAW actually came from US -- the people who did fertility treatments (often multiple cycles) that never worked, and eventually, ultimately, walked away with empty arms. If those companies invested even just a fraction of those huge profits into providing better support services and counselling and other such off-ramps for those of us whose treatments were unsuccessful and who had to stop, it might make a horribly fraught and jarring transition just a little bit easier to survive. (But I won't hold my breath...!)
Got my first opt-out email related to Mother's Day last week (from Ancestry -- see the screenshot, above). May there be many more! (But I haven't noticed any since then... and I'm not holding my breath...!)
"Hey, with Priceline VIP Family you can unlock deals five times faster... you don't even have to be an actual family," she chirps. (!)
The guys she's talking to immediately start arguing, "Oh, I'd be the dad!" "I'm the dad!" etc. -- until Kaley says "Okay, which dad is paying?" -- and they all start pointing at each other.
Okay, you don't have to be an "actual family" to qualify -- i.e., no discrimination against singles or non-parents -- which is good (I guess?). But that phrase -- "an actual family" -- has me grinding my teeth. (Define "an actual family," right??)
(In fact, if anyone can get the deals, why is it even called "Priceline VIP Family" in the first place??)
Rosalyn Scott, who runs the NoMo Book Club on Instagram, has a new website featuring interviews with childless & childfree writers. Check it out at Other Words!
Mali has an essay in a new book that's coming out soon! "Otherhood" is a collection of essays from New Zealand writers on being childless, childfree and child-adjacent, edited by Kathryn Van Beek, Alie Benge and Lil O'Brien. It's being released in NZ on May 9th. I checked a couple of North American bookseller websites, and it seems the e-book/Kindle version will be available here that day too, but we will have to wait until August for the paper edition. More details in Mali's recent post.
I am really enjoying Kirsten Powers's Substack, "Changing the Channel," and her most recent post really struck a chord with me -- and I suspect it will with many of you too: " 'Winners' Know When To Quit: Why we need to understand the power of letting go of what is not working." It's free to read (and the interview is free to watch -- there's a transcript you can download too) for a week (i.e., until about May 1st), and then it will go behind a subscriber paywall. (I'm just a free subscriber -- so far... can my budget afford yet another Substack subscription?? Hmmmm....)
I haven't watched the video or read the transcript yet -- and from what I can tell, there's not a word said about infertility treatments &/or childlessness -- but there's a line near the end that summarizes the message in a nutshell: "We all need to learn how to quit before we hit rock bottom." AMEN!
"Is It Okay To Dislike Children?" Jill Filipovic, who is childfree by choice, ponders this question on her Substack. A couple of excerpts (but do go and read the whole thing -- I don't think it's paywalled):
In the US, it’s overwhelmingly the same people who style themselves as pro-child and pro-family who are the most politically hostile to the actual well-being of children. Conservatives have for decades emphasized their love of children and babies, while cutting funding for public education and children’s healthcare, doing nothing to stop the gun murders of children in schools, opposing paid leave for the people who birth and raise those children, stripping school lunches of any nutritional value, and sometimes putting deadly weapons in their own children’s hands and then taking family Christmas photos. These are not generally people who identify as “child-free.” They are overwhelmingly people who say they love kids. But they are people who are really, really bad for children....
Most child-free people, as far as I can tell, do not hate children. Many adore children, they just don’t want to raise them; others don’t adore children and generally avoid them but don’t hate them either. And no doubt many people who really dislike children or are hostile to children in public spaces are also parents. But regardless of the reality, the childfree are generally the ones presumed to be hostile to children. So it’s interesting to look at the demographics of the child-free in America, where not having children is disproportionately common among highly-educated city-dwelling liberal women and gay men, and realize that the same people being tarred as child-haters are also the ones overwhelmingly voting and advocating for the policies which most benefit children and mothers. If that goes along with preferring a dog-friendly child-free local pub and allowing a look of annoyance to cross one’s face when one hears a screaming baby in a fancy restaurant, honestly, I’ll take it.
Annoying thing/blogging note: Writing a recent book review, I suddenly realized I hadn't changed the little blurb I put at the end of each book review from "Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge" to 2023. (Everything else within the blurb that referred to the year said "2023.") Oops. It only took me four full months to realize this...! (Insert red-faced emoji here.)
I went back and updated all my reviews to date this year (thankfully, just 16 so far!). Better late than never, I guess....!
Next week (April 23rd to 29th) is National Infertility Awareness Week in the U.S. and in Canada (where it's now apparently called National Fertility Awareness Week) -- something I will admit I don't pay much attention to these days. I don't follow many infertility blogs these days (many of the ones I used to follow no longer exist) and most of the social media accounts I follow have more of a childless/free perspective than ones still focused on trying to conceive. But it does still pop up as a subject there too!
I wasn’t sure joining the world of the childfree by choice was going to provide me comfort. Would these women, so certain that parenting was not for them, understand why it was what I had always wanted? Perhaps I, too, had internalised the idea that women without kids were cold and lacking in compassion, which could not be further from the truth. The “unsung sisterhood” has got my back.
Not adoption/loss/infertility/childless-related, but an article that made me go, "Oh, hell YES!!" when I read the headline (bringing out my inner curmudgeon -- "now, back in MY day, kids..." -- lol): "Welcome to Wedding Sprawl."
Subheading: "Proposal parties. Extended bachelor and bachelorette weekends. Multiple honeymoons. Modern marriage celebrations can feel endless."
I think the same could be said for babies: it's not just baby showers any more, it's gender reveal parties, ultrasound photos and regular pregnancy updates on social media, "babymoons" (pre-birth vacations), "sprinkles" (mini-showers for subsequent children), post-birth "meet the baby" parties, christenings and huge, elaborate birthday parties (especially the first one)...
His website hasn't been updated in eons -- but Alan Bradley, now 85 years old and the author of one of my favourite mystery series of books, announced on Facebook this weekend that he will be producing two more Flavia de Luce novels over the next two years -- the first to be published in fall 2024 (title: "What Time the Sexton's Spade Doth Rust") and the second in fall 2025!!!
Longtime readers here may recall that I ADORE Flavia (who is 11 years old at the start of the series, and a budding chemist/detective with a special interest in poison, lol). All 10 Flavia novels to date (with the exception of the first, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie," from 2009) are reviewed on this blog.
The tenth Flavia novel, "The Golden Tresses of the Dead," was published in 2019. It was the last one Bradley was contracted to write -- although at the time, he didn't rule out more to come. (Understandably, though, after 10 novels in 10 years, he was looking forward to a break!)
In response to the question "Do you have any insider news on the Flavia tv series that you are free to share?" -- which I first heard about at least 10 years ago, with British director Sam Mendes connected to the project -- he responded, tantalizingly, "soon..." (SQUEEEEEE....)
I decided I had amassed enough Flavia-related posts on this blog to give Flavia her own label, lol. Here it is!
Over the course of February, I received 21 requests to speak or write for Black History Month. Of those requests, 18 were from White people.
I’m not alone. Every year, what is intended to be a time of remembrance and storytelling becomes a month of additional labor — usually with very little notice — for Black people. It becomes a season when we must sell our stories and ideas to sate the appetites of White folk who want to feel as though they’ve done the right thing.
Whiteness is permitted the freedom to explore (or neglect) its history on its own terms, spreading the practice out lavishly throughout the year, without deadline or expectation. Black people are expected, in just four weeks, to do everything we can to preserve our stories and take up the space we are often denied...
To pass on and inherit our stories can be beautiful, but when we are expected to teach the outsider — to convince the outsider of our intellect, our contribution — Black History Month becomes less a tradition of memory and inheritance, and much more a path to exhaustion under the relentless weight of what Toni Morrison called the “White gaze.” “Black excellence,” at its worst, can devolve into the mere act of proving that Black people are capable of the excellent. Or worse still, of proving that Black people are human at all.
For me, the article was thought-provoking -- not only for the reminder about the additional emotional (and actual) labour required from Black people during February (not to mention other times of the year) to "educate" the rest of us about their history and experiences -- but because it provided me with an "ah-ha!" moment with regard to sharing my own experiences about pregnancy loss, infertility and childlessness.
There are days, weeks & months dedicated to these subjects, of course -- and there are some amazing people out there who work tirelessly to create programming around then and to bring these important issues to the attention of policymakers and the fortunate majority who don't have to think about these things -- unless and until they are suddenly affected by them personally. And goodness knows, people need educating about them!! (Obviously, the parallels here, between Black History Month and Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month/Day -- or National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), or World Childless Week (WCW) -- only go so far. I don't see a huge demand from people outside of our communities to hear our stories. On the contrary...!)
But I'll admit my record on taking part, on posting something on my blog (or -- less often -- social media) is hit and miss. I often have the best intentions, but then Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day (or month) or NIAW or WCW rolls around, and... I've got nothing. And I feel guilty about it. There are so many people out there doing so many great things for our community(s), and I feel like I should contribute, be a part of it. But sometimes I'm just too tired (and too afraid of the consequences of "outing" myself) to make the effort, lol.
If I do anything, I'm more likely to do it here, on my blog. Let's face it, posting here is much less of a risk. For the most part, it's preaching to the converted. But making myself vulnerable by posting about these aspects of my life on social media? Scary stuff! It's not like the (other) people in my life don't know that I don't have kids, and some of them even know why. But very few of them know the full story.
In recent years, I HAVE started posting a few memes, etc., on my Facebook & Instagram accounts for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Week (and International Bereaved Mothers Day). But posting publicly about NIAW & WCW -- let alone sharing about my own experiences with infertility and childlessness -- still feels more risky to me. Pregnancy loss is common enough (1 in 4 women experience it) that there's at least some level of awareness and sympathy, I think. The majority of people do become parents, and perhaps the idea of losing a much-wanted child -- however painful that is to think about -- is something they can relate to, at least a little. Having difficulty conceiving a child -- or not winding up with a much-wanted child at all, despite all your best efforts -- is less common statistically (albeit much more common than most people realize), less visible/recognized and thus not as easy to relate to.
I've recognized that posting about my story outside of this blog leaves me vulnerable. But I've never thought of it before in terms of emotional labour. (Although I've written before about the emotional labour required of childless people in a pronatalist world.) Like I said, it's labour that's badly needed, and I am so very thankful for those among us who have taken it upon themselves to educate others and make a difference. There's a lot of misinformation and stereotyping out there about loss, infertility and childlessness. If people are going to learn something about our lives and experiences, our preferences, our concerns -- to paraphrase Riley, to be convinced of our humanity -- it's probably best that they hear it directly from us instead of through (or at the very least in addition to) a third party (e.g., a doctor, researcher, social scientist, etc. -- however knowledgeable & well meaning), right?
But putting ourselves forward in this way, on these highly difficult, emotional issues -- "[taking] up the space we are often denied" -- does take a toll -- and I don't think it should be required of us, or that we should feel obliged to participate, simply because of the hand that we've been dealt. It's OK to sit on the sidelines sometimes! (Most especially if we are newly grieving and adjusting to a life that's very different from the one we had expected and planned for ourselves. Or even just if we're having a bad day/week/month/year.)
Is anyone planning to watch the Oscars (Academy Awards) tonight?? Oscar Night has always been huge at our house (as I've written in the past). I have not missed one since I was a kid in the early 1970s (like, about FIFTY (50) YEARS, people!!), with two partial exceptions: (1)1979, when I was a high schooler, working part-time, and so missed the first hour or so -- and (2) 1989, when I bought us tickets to the theatre -- "Phantom of the Opera" -- for the same night. We taped it on our VCR, made popcorn & watched it the next night, fast-forwarding through the commercials (which actually was not a bad way to go, lol). (It was the year of Rob Lowe, Snow White and "Proud Mary," if you know which broadcast I mean...!)
It's the only awards show I still watch faithfully every year -- BUT (and for anyone who knows me, this is HUGE) -- I am seriously contemplating putting on the PVR & watching my regular Sunday night PBS shows (My Grandparents' War and Atlantic Crossing) instead. (!!!) I have not been inside a movie theatre in more than a year (and I prefer to watch new releases in the theatre, if I can), I have barely heard of most of the nominees, and... I'm just not feeling it this year. :(
*** *** ***
In a kind-of-similar vein, this past week was National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Every year I keep thinking I'm going to write something about it, maybe something related to the theme. And every year it goes by and I don't get it done. This year I had the time, obviously, but once again, I just wasn't feeling any motivation. Part of it is just the covid blahs, I think -- but there's more to it than that. If you think awareness of infertility as an issue is lacking, try awareness of the realities of childless/free living after infertility (among other ways to be childless) -- among both fertile & infertile people. RESOLVE, which sponsors NIAW, does offer some resources for childless/free living on its website and forums -- but its primary focus is, obviously, on helping people build families. (It also has relationships with the fertility industry that some find problematic -- see this 2016 post by Pamela at Silent Sorority, for example.)
Some CNBCers (Jobi Tyson at Childless Women/Tutum Global) and Brandi at Not So Mommy) made an effort this year to create some NIAW programming by & for CNBCers, which was nice. I'm sure it was helpful for many people, and I did watch the panel discussion yesterday, which included Jody Day of Gateway Women and Barbara Collura of RESOLVE among the speakers. But I'll admit -- like the Oscars this year -- I just couldn't muster up a lot of enthusiasm to do much else.
Infertility was and is obviously a big part of my story -- I am & always will be an infertile woman -- but as someone whose infertility journey did not end with a (living) baby... I'm ambivalent. I'm happy if my story and my blog posts can help women who are transitioning to a childless/free life after infertility -- and I think it's a story more women need to hear (especially since some 70% of fertility treatments do NOT result in a take-home baby) -- but it's not a message they're eager to hear when they're still "in the trenches."
*** *** ***
The New York Times had a recent article that perfectly described my current frame of mind. There's even a term for it -- "languishing."
This weekend marks the start of National Infertility Awareness Week in the U.S. & in Canada (although for some weird reason, the U.S. dates are April 22-28, and in Canada, it's April 23-29). To be honest, I've never paid that much attention to NIAW, because its focus is (understandably) on fertility -- on those still in treatment, and on the success stories -- not on people like me, who didn't get the baby(s) we wanted (even though alternative reproductive technologies don't work for the vast majority of couples who try them).
This year, however, Andrew & Nicci Fletcher, the founders of the recently launched Childless Not By Choice Magazine, have come up with a full week of alternative NIAW online programming that I am VERY interested in! The "We Are Worthy" summit is designed "to support people whether they are still hoping to become parents or are searching for find ways to redefine their dreams even though they won’t contain the children that they long for."
The summit will be packed full of webinars and pre-recorded training about proactive healing ideas that can help people move forward. There will also be live “chats” and pre-recorded panel discussion about what it means to be childless not by choice and how we can learn to live in a child-centric world. Hopefully there will be a little something for everyone because, no matter where you are in your journey or what your personal situation is, we are ALL worthy!
I'll admit I had a few qualms about the name. "We are Worthy" -- well, of course we are!!
(I also couldn't help but think of Wayne & Garth from "Wayne's World" -- "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" lol!)(Sorry!)
But when I thought about it, I realized that far too many infertility survivors, particularly those in the early stages of recovery from treatment, do feel a deep sense of worthlessness. Moreover, those feelings are reinforced -- sometimes (sadly) intentionally, sometimes inadvertently -- by others around us, and by society generally.
Living in a child-centric world can be a struggle. [the event website points out] We feel voiceless and marginalised. We feel the rest of the world considers us to be second class citizens because we haven’t been able to have children. We feel that we have failed and are worthless and the world seems to agree with us. It doesn’t help that the terms available to describe our situation are either “childfree” which suggests that we have fully embraced our situation or “childLESS” – no wonder we feel that we have failed or do not deserve to be heard, valued or happy.
We need to rebuild of sense of self-worth until we truly believe that We Are Worthy! and then perhaps the rest of the world see that too.
The summit includes a mixture of live webinars, pre-recorded training sessions, live chats and panel discussions -- and there are four or five events scheduled every day during NIAW. The speakers and facilitators include many names that will be (should be!) familiar to those of us in the CNBC corner of the ALI community -- including Jody Day of Gateway Women, Lisa Manterfield of Life Without Baby, Brandi Lytle of Not So Mommy, Sarah Chamberlin of Infertility Honesty, Justine Froelker and Lesley Pyne (among many others).
Best of all, it's all FREE. (Although some events do require advance registration -- so check out the list of events & speakers & sign up for the ones that interest you, now!) I have all the events & times in my calendar, & hope to listen in to at least a few of them, live or later on.
When I think back 10 years ago to when I started this blog -- there is just no way the handful of CNBC bloggers out there at the time could have put on an event of this magnitude. We may still have a way to go to establish our presence within the greater infertility community, and certainly in the "outside" world -- but seriously -- reading over the schedule for this event, I couldn't help but think: we have come a long, long way over the past 10 years...!
And I can't wait to see what progress the next 10 years is going to bring! :)
In the summer of 1972, I was 11 years old & spending a few weeks at my grandmother's in the States. It seemed like every other ad on TV was for a new and somewhat controversial movie about (gasp!) what was then called "the women's lib movement" -- called "Stand Up and Be Counted."
Unfortunately, I was too young to see this "adult" movie -- and I'm sorry that I was unable to find a video clip to share with you of that trailer.
"Stand Up and Be Counted" is largely forgotten today -- and probably with good reason. It only ranks 4.2 out of 10 on IMDb -- and the contemporary New York Times review said:
"As an examination of current revolution. "Stand Up and Be Counted" erratically skips between comedy and serious causes with somewhat less than impressive impact either way."
You don't often hear the movie's theme song these days either (and sometimes I think we need to hear it more than ever...) -- but for the young girls and women of my generation, it was an anthem, a clarion call to arms -- sung in a clear, determined voice by the Australian woman who co-wrote it, Helen Reddy.
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much
to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down
there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh
yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But
look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but
never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve
my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any
longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my
soul
CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to
toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an
embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother
understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've
paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face
anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am
woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am
woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
*** *** ***
I've been singing "I am woman, hear me roar," in the shower and in my head a lot lately. Mind you, I am generally not the roaring type ; ) -- more like a purr, maybe, lol.
But, over the last few months, I've had this sense of increasing momentum -- that we, the childless/free women of the world, are (at long last) beginning to find our individual and collective voices, our tribe, and make our presence known.
Back in January, I asked the question, "So why aren't there more of us?" (blogging about life as childless/free women after infertility) I posted my blogroll of childless/free bloggers... and since then, the list has continued to grow and grow (& needs an update!).
Here are a few things that have happened along the way:
We experienced some upheaval in the ALI community, followed by Healing Salons where we explored the issues that had come to light. While the original controversy focused on how bloggers parenting after infertility were supported (or not) within the general community, several childless/free bloggers used the Healing Salons to give voice to our own concerns and feelings of marginalization -- even among the women who knew best what we had been through -- and ask "what about us?" These included Pamela -- always a highly articulate spokesperson for our segment of the community -- who hosted one of the salons on her Coming2Terms blog, and Mali, who blogs at A Separate Life and No Kidding in NZ. Thanks to their strong voices, I think that a greater awareness in the general ALI community was one of the most positive things that came out of this difficult situation.
Shortly after the Healing Salons ended, Jjiraffe asked to profile me and my story as part of her "Faces of ALI" series -- only the third story she has featured to date.
Mali wrote a wonderful post arguing that we, the childless, may be the real infertility success stories, which I said (in a comment on Stirrup Queens) "has the ring of a manifesto about it."
Jody Day at Gateway Women actually did write what she calls "The Nomos (Non-Moms) Manifesto," asking "are childless women the new suffragettes?" Sample statement: "We may not be Mothers but we’re here, we care, we count and we ROCK!" (Upon second reading, I see she also says, "We are the Nomos. Hear us ROAR!!" Which is probably what got me thinking about Helen Reddy's song and, ultimately, this post, lol -- thank you, Jody!)
During National Infertility Awareness Week, several bloggers, taking up the theme "Don't Ignore..." asked readers not to ignore those of us living childless/free after infertility, including Pamela & Lisa.
What's more -- to mark NIAW, The Huffington Post chose to feature -- not the stories of women who are now mothers after IVF, who adopted or who are still in treatement -- but several fine posts (and not just one token) from our community of childless/free bloggers -- including Tracey, Nicole, Mali and Lisa.
Lisa at Life With Baby produced an inspirational one-hour webcast featuring interviews with three childless/free women addressing different aspects of their lives and how they got to this point. If you haven't already seen it, tune in!
And Pamela interviewed Dr. Marni Rosner about her recently published dissertation -- a groundbreaking study of women living without children after infertility. Even academia is starting to pay attention to us. : )
"I think, at this time, you, Lisa, and all the other bloggers and voices
addressing this issue are in the process of forming what this means. We are what I would call "in the process" of developing
the narrative for those living outside the pro-natal norm.We
have the power to direct this a little, I think... the number of women, aged 40-44, without children has doubled
to 20% since 1976 – this includes the voluntary childfree. That’s an enormous
change in a relatively short time. So, again, we are
in this moment contributing to and shaping the dialogue."
It's still early days -- but I sense a growing willingness among us to speak out -- to stand up and be counted. To say, "I am childless after infertility (and/or loss). I am a survivor. And I have a good life -- even if it's not the life I originally wanted or planned."
