Childless/free voters, unite!

Have you been rolling your eyes (or quietly seething) at some of the hateful "childless cat ladies" rhetoric that's emerged recently from the mouths of certain U.S. politicians and commentators?  

Have you ever listened to politicians (across borders and from all parts of the political spectrum) wax poetic about "hard-working families," and wondered where the voices advocating for non-parents were?  

Here's a chance to begin taking positive action. :)   

This morning, I got an email from documentary filmmaker Therese Schecter of Trixie Films.  I wound up on her mailing list after signing up for a screening of her wonderful film "My So-Called Selfish Life," a few years ago. 

Therese is part of a new group called The Alliance of Child-Free Voters -- a nonpartisan grassroots coalition of individuals and organizations that fight for the visibility, rights, and policy priorities of childfree and childless people. "We are part of a powerful and rapidly growing voter bloc, one with enormous resources and energy," the group notes.  And they are organizing a Zoom call this Monday, Sept. 9th at 8 PM (Eastern), featuring 11 speakers "who will share how we can begin to build solidarity and political power both in the 2024 election cycle and beyond." 

As Therese (who is Canadian) said in the email I received (boldfaced emphasis hers), "This event is non-partisan, does not support a specific candidate, and is not doing any fundraising. It's aimed at US voters, but pronatalism knows no borders. I hope you can join us for this Zoom Webinar and get inspired to take your own action, no matter where you live."

Further information on Therese's website, here.  Space is apparently limited to 500 people, so if you're interested, register now! 

Odds & ends

• So lovely to see Infertile Phoenix back writing on her blog again! :) 
• I'm SO glad I read Louise Penny's latest newsletter (which landed in my email inbox last weekend, I think) in time to catch her on Tuesday, Sept. 3rd, in a live (recorded for later viewing) YouTube conversation with Alan Bradley, author of the delightful Flavia de Luce mysteries. The 11th in the series, "What Time the Sexton's Spade Doth Rust," was released that same day. (Penny also has a new Inspector Gamache/Three Pines mystery coming out later this fall.)  I think I had a smile on my face the entire hour!  :)  
• Margaret Renkl in the New York Times is a gorgeous writer. And her latest column -- "My Bookshelf, Myself" -- well, I feel SEEN, lol. 
• Annoying thing:  AARP Medical Supplement TV ad from the U.S., in which a woman crows "Grandkids!! I can't wait!!"  (eyeroll) 
• (I also got to hear this line from someone at a recent family gathering. Sigh...) 
• In a recent link roundup in her "Life, Almost" Substack, Jennie Agg flagged this fascinating article about the lack of data related to pregnancy loss in the U.S., and what can be learned from other countries (the U.K. in particular). (Sadly, I don't think Canada is too much better than the U.S. in this regard...) 
• New Substack for childless and childfree aunties: "The Auntie Bulletin" by Lisa Sibbett.  
• Jody Day examines "The friendship apocalypse" at 60 in her Childless Elderwomen Substack. 
• Nesrine Malik in the Guardian: "The right’s obsession with childless women isn’t just about ideology: it’s essential to the capitalist machine." 
• "Sperm donors are anonymous in Canada. Adult children are finding their roots anyway." (I knew about the shortage of donor sperm in Canada, but was surprised to learn that -- outside of the province of Quebec -- my country is one of the few where donors can still remain anonymous.) 
• Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast spoke to a reporter about "The grief of childlessness on Father's Day" (which was celebrated in Australia recently).  
• Michael & I will be discussing  "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" in a webinar for World Childless Week on Monday, Sept. 16th. Details and links in this post.  
• Are men (finally??!) waking up to the importance of reproductive rights in America?  Great article (gift linked)  in the Washington Post:  "A louder voice in fighting abortion bans: Men in red states." (Subhead:  "More men are speaking out in defense of reproductive rights because of harrowing experiences that wives or partners have suffered when a pregnancy went awry.")  
• "When Oprah says ‘childless cat lady,’ and the camera’s on you."  (I remenber noticing the camera on this particular woman nodding at Oprah's remarks, and thought "Yikes!"  Glad to read that she's taken her moment in the spotlight in good humour...!)
• Monica Hesse's recent column in the Washington Post is an absolute must read (so here's a gift link!):  "JD Vance's repeated digs at childless women are worse than you thought." Subhead: "It’s not about the kids they don’t have. It’s about the empathy he can’t even fathom."  
• The whole piece is great, but I especially loved this passage:  

Disparaging childless people once is a misspeak. Twice is a PR crisis. Three times and you have, as we say in the journalism business, a trend.

Here we go again...

Is it just me, or did it seem like every other mom friend in my social media feeds was sending a kid off to college/university this weekend -- many for the first time -- and posting about it?  Including three of  dh's cousins. 

(We saw several of them at an extended family get-together yesterday, including two cousins whose sons are in first year at the same university this fall and got dropped off on Saturday (not together), and one cousin and his wife who drove straight to the party after spending a couple of days getting their son settled in at college in Sault Ste. Marie -- about a 6-8 hour drive northwest of here.)  

The back to school chatter was/is relentless. The flood of dorm room photos was relentless. (Although it was amusing to see how very little dorms have changed in the past 45 (!) years...!)(Cinder block walls, anyone??  lol) 

Yes, I know, I could just ignore social media for a few days until it all blows over. Yes, I'm a glutton for self-punishment, apparently.  I do enjoy seeing the photos -- to a point. It's just that after a while it gets to be just a LITTLE much...! 

At almost 26, Katie would likely have long since graduated university (unless she was going to medical school or for a PhD or something like that -- which her father assures me she most certainly would have -- but on an accelerated schedule, so she definitely would have graduated by now. Sure, dear, whatever you say...!)  

Still, this time of year, and the endless moans of "where has my baby gone?" etc. etc. has a unique ability to get under my skin. My apologies to the parents reading this (especially those sending kids off to college right now), but....  

I get it, it's tough to let go and watch them spread their wings.  (Especially when you fought so hard to get them here in the first place, as I know many of you have, if you're reading this blog...!)  

But still. You had them, lived with them, got to enjoy them (and tear your hair out over them) for 18 years -- and you'll still have them (and be tearing your hair out over them...!), in some respect, for the rest of your life, if you're as lucky as you have been to date.  

Not all of us get to experience that. Any of that. At all.  And this time of year is always a harsh and unwelcome reminder of that reality.   

I know. I'm not a parent. I don't understand.  I'm just jealous. 

Maybe so.

But. You're not childless-not-by-choice. I'm not in your shoes -- but you're not in mine either.

Let's just leave it at that.  

Sorry.  Vent over.  

Weather permitting, you will find me on my balcony tomorrow afternoon with a book and a cup of tea (or maybe a glass of iced tea). It's become my "first day of school" ritual these past few years, and a reminder that there ARE some perks that come with this childless life.  ;)    

Previous first/last day of school-related posts here. 

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

August flew by way too quickly.  It was good to be back home, after spending two weeks with my family out west, but suddenly it was the end of the month, with back-to-school and all things fall on the very near horizon.  

Pandemic diary/update: August was month #53 since the covid pandemic began in March 2020 -- now in Year FIVE. :(   And we continued to hear about people we know coming down with covid -- many of then for the first time, and often after travelling.    

We (still!) remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and we continue to mask in stores, malls and (most) other indoor public spaces hereabouts, especially where there are a lot of people around. (Well, I do -- I know dh has been slacking off again, whenever I'm not around to hand him a mask...!)  This article from the New York Times (gift link) solidified my resolve to keep masking!  (Albeit we have been eating out more again recently -- see "Eating," below.)  

Among other outings this month, we: 

• Celebrated Younger Nephew's 32nd birthday at their nearby townhouse on Aug. 4th.  
• En route home, took an unanticipated trip to the emergency room in an ambulance (!). 
• Drove up to visit Older Nephew & Little Great-Nephew with BIL & SIL on Aug. 5th. (It was a civic holiday here, but ON's wife/LGN's mom had to work.) 
• Marked 26 (!) years since the loss of our Katie on Aug. 7th: picked up some flowers (also stopped off to pick up a prescription for dh and fill up the gas tank on the car) and headed to the cemetery near our old community. Afterwards, we had lunch at a local cafe, browsed in the local mega-bookstore outlet, enjoyed some ice cream from Dairy Queen ;)  (see "Eating," below) and then picked up a few groceries before heading home. 
• Headed to the Eaton Centre mall in downtown Toronto on Aug. 15th via subway, for the first time since pre-pandemic... to meet up with Mel & her family!! Patio dinner, followed by a browse at the Indigo bookstore there. 
• Returned to our old community on Friday, Aug. 16th for haircuts at the mall. Lunch at Tim Hortons in the food court, a bit of shopping, and a visit with Katie at the cemetery before heading home again. 
• Spent a rainy but pleasant Saturday afternoon (Aug. 17th) at BIL & SIL's. Older Nephew & his wife were off to a wedding downtown, and they dropped off Little Great-Nephew with his grandparents, en route. Younger Nephew & his wife brought Little Great-Niece over for a visit too. We wound up watching BIL's old home movies/videos of the nephews from the early 1990s, when they were almost exactly the ages their kids are now. LGNephew wasn't overly interested (I don't think he could really fathom that that little boy on the screen was his dad), but the rest of us had some good laughs (and I'll admit I got kind of misty-eyed too). They were SO damned cute!  :)  (And I was SO damned SKINNY!!  lol)(And no doubt thought I was fat at the time!)  SIL made homemade pizza, LGNephew assembled Legos with his uncle, and LGNiece amused herself with various kitchen utensils. A good time was had by all.  :)  
• Went to the local mall to walk, shop and have lunch (pizza)(Aug. 20th).  
• Went for a pre-long weekend pedicure and then a browse at the local mega-bookstore (Aug. 29th). 
• Drove with BIL & SIL up to Older Nephew's on Friday night (Aug. 30th) for dinner with him & Little Great-Nephew (their wife/mom was off on a bachelorette weekend for one of her girlfriends). We wound up driving in two cars to a nearby large town and eating at a restaurant there.   

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 2 books in August (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2024 books").  

• "Swing Time" by Zadie Smith (the August selection for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (My review.)  
• "Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon (the September book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (My review.) 

This brings me to 24 books read so far in 2024, 53% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books.  I am currently 5 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(   

Current read(s): 

• "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day.  I'm once again taking part in a chapter-by-chapter group read of this CNBC classic! This will be the 5th (!) time I've read this book, or the earlier version of it ("Rocking the Life Unexpected").  (Most recent review, with links to earlier reviews, here.)  
• "The Mirror and the Light"  by Hilary Mantel (book #3 in the Thomas Cromwell Trilogy)   -- part of a year-long "slow readalong" hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents.  We started during the week of July 21st; currently at about 23% read  (and a little behind on the reading schedule!), and will finish at the end of December. 
• "Magic for Marigold" by L.M. Montgomery, with my L.M. Montgomery Readathon Facebook Group. We began our group read/discussion on July 1st and will run through late September. I will count this as a re-read once we're finished.  Currently about 64% read. (My original review.) 
• "Fletcher’s End" by D.E. Stevenson, with my DES group -- a sequel to "Bel Lamington." Our group read started May 20th and will run through mid-September -- currently at 86% read. (My original review.) 
• "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy (!). As I wrote here, I need another book club/readalong obligation like a hole in the head  ;)  but nevertheless, I'm taking part in a year-long readalong of this book, hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents -- a chapter a day for a full year, which began Jan. 1, 2024. (And I'm really enjoying it!)  Currently at about 72% read.  
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through, in between the other books...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club: 
• "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (October) (a Barren Bitches Book Tour selection from October 2008, the early days of this blog! -- discussed here;  related post here). 
• "Persuasion" by Jane Austen (November). 
• "The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman (reviewed here). (December) 
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy well into 2025 or even 2026!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered shortly after I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Miss Buncle’s Book (likely beginning September/October 2024; original 2015 review here).  
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married (original 2015 review here).
• The Two Mrs. Abbotts (original 2015 review here).
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces (original 2015 review here). 

• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted in June 2023 (no further posts/books since then).  I've continued dipping into the series on my own, between other book club obligations. Book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is the next one on my to-read list! 
• Other books on my priority list: 
• "Moonflower Murders" by Anthony Horowitz. The TV version is starting on PBS on Sept. 15th, and I want to have the book read by then. (I PVRd the adaptation of the first book in the series, "Magpie Murders," because I hadn't read the book yet -- and then lost all my PVRd stuff when we got a new modem last fall!  I did eventually read the book, reviewed here -- and got to see the TV version in reruns on PBS -- see "Watching," below.)    
• "The Marlow Murder Club" by Robert Thorogood.  TV version begins airing on PBS on Oct. 27th.   

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points): 

• "Wandering Stars" by Tommy Orange 
• "The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store" by James McBride
• "Good Material" by Dolly Alderton 
• "The Hazelbourne Ladies Motorcycle & Flying Club" by Helen Simonson 
• "The Good, the Bad & the Aunties" by Jessie Q. Sutanto 
• "Alphabetical Diaries" by Sheila Heti 
• "The Other Significant Others" by Rhaina Cohen 
• "You Never Know" by Tom Selleck 
• "Strangers in Their Own Land" by Arlie Russell Hochschild 
• "The Fraud" by Zadie Smith 

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Watching:  

• The Olympics from Paris. I especially love watching the swimming events... and the diving... and the rowing (although it was mostly on in the middle of the night, my time!)... and track and field...! And especially the men's 4x100 relay, where our Canadian men's team -- none of whom had made it to the finals in their individual events -- won an unexpected gold!! A huge moment of national pride for all Canadians!  :) 
• "Paving the Way," a 2013 documentary shown on PBS (the Buffalo channel, anyway), on Aug. 16th, about Geraldine Ferraro, the first woman to be nominated to run for Vice-President of the United States, in the 1984 election (with Walter Mondale).  I was 23 at the time -- yes, a Canadian -- but I remember just how much that milestone and her example meant to me, and I frequently found myself tearing up repeatedly as I watched. I remember when Kamala Harris WAS actually elected VP four years ago, feeling similarly teary, and thinking "I so wish Geraldine Ferraro had lived to see this day."  (She died in 2011.) 
• "Magpie Murders" on PBS -- based on the Anthony Horowitz book, which I read and reviewed here. I loved the way the some of the actors played multiple roles, and how Susan (the wonderful Lesley Manville), the main character, interacts with the fictional detective Atticus Pund!  :)  (As mentioned above, "Moonflower Murders," an adaptation of the sequel by the same name, will begin on Sept. 15th.) 
• The Democratic National Convention in the U.S. from Chicago, Aug. 19-22. Way too many late nights!!  but some great speakers!  Too many highlights to mention, but the women -- Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and the nominee herself really knocked it out of the park. I also loved Doug Emhoff's speech -- and I LOVED seeing Elizabeth Warren get a long, loud, well-deserved standing ovation that left her tearing up and wiping her eyes. (The clip in the link is edited;  I believe the ovation went on for almost two full minutes.)  

Listening:  To Heardle Decades: Stats as of  Aug. 31st: 

• Heardle 60s: 76.6% (529/691, 209 on first guess), up 0.3% from last month. Max. streak: 15.
• Heardle 70s: 80.0% (345/431, 193 on first guess), down 0.3% from last month. Max. streak: 18. 
• Heardle 80s: 41.8% (127/304, 48 on first guess), down 1.5% from last month. Max. streak: 4. 
• Heardle 90s: 26.25% (107/408, 21 on first guess), up 0.7% from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Following:  

Eating/Drinking:  I feel like I've been eating out in restaurants more in the past two months than I have in the past four pandemic years!  lol  

• Coffee Culture (cafe), in our old community (Aug. 7th/Katie's day):  We had chicken caesar wraps, a favourite from when we lived in the area and used to go there. (Followed by ice cream -- Skor Blizzard for me -- from the Dairy Queen drive-through later, lol). 
• Mercatto Eaton Centre in downtown Toronto with Mel and her family (Aug, 15th). We sat on the patio and the weather was lovely, albeit things were a bit noisy for the first while we were there...!  I had the pasta carbonara -- cooked perfectly al dente, albeit a little too much pepper for my tastebuds...!
• Tim Hortons (mall food court in our old community, Aug. 16th):  We had breakfast sandwiches (egg & sausage on a biscuit) with wedge fries.  Tim's is certainly not gourmet fare, but it's cheap and dependable.  ;)  
• Blaze Pizza at the mall (Aug. 20th): Thin crust, fast-fired. You can build your own, which is great for me with my tomato allergy -- I usually get bacon & chicken with a cream sauce base -- and while I can never eat the whole thing, that means a box of leftovers for lunch the next day!  :)  The air circulation seems good and we generally go before 11:30, when it's not too busy yet, and sit in a booth near the entrance to the mall.  
• Lone Star Texas Grill, with dh, BIL, SIL, Older Nephew and Little Great-Nephew (Aug. 30th):  I had a burger & fries. We got there just before 8 (!) -- and being the Friday night of a long weekend, it was busy, they were out of tortillas for wraps and fajitas (!), and service was slow -- it took a while for our food to come-- but our young waitress was friendly and helpful, and the food, once it arrived, was good!  
• Takeout:  The usual soup & pizza slices from the supermarket, generally once or twice a week; takeout teriyaki rice bowls (also from the supermarket), Chinese food from Mandarin, and Swiss Chalet takeout rotisserie chicken with a baked potato (I can never eat the whole thing, but the leftovers made good sandwiches the next day!).

Buying (besides books, lol):  

• A couple of new nightgowns (like oversized T-shirts,my favourite style)  at La Vie en Rose. Alas, I didn't try them on and should have bought a larger size (I like my nightgowns roomy!), and wound up returning them. 
• Natural pain relief cream for joints and arthritis from Saje, which I've been using as needed on my wonky left knee -- not bad!   
• A couple of T-shirts at Carters/Oshkosh for Little Great-Nephew, and a dachshund-themed sleeper/hat set for his baby brother, due just before Christmas!  (Did I mention we now know it's a boy?)  I'm still wary of buying too much for babies in advance, but I absolutely could not resist this one!  ;)  

Wearing:  Lots of shorts and tank tops (and enjoying them while the good weather lasts...!).   

Enjoying/Loving:  Spending time with the nephews and their kids. :)  I may not have kids, and we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but they are a gift.  :) 

Appreciating:  Being included. BIL & SIL are so good about inviting us to come over when the kids are there, or when they're going to see them. Not every time (and we wouldn't expect that), but often enough.  I know many childless people are not as fortunate. 

Noticing:  Just a tinge of red/yellow/brown on a few of the trees locally lately...! 

Trying:  To be good (or at least better??), health & diet-wise, over the next few weeks: annual bloodwork and physicals coming up soon. My gradually rising cholesterol levels were a point of discussion last year -- erk... 

Prioritizing: Staying away from the mall and other public places this past week or two, to avoid the hordes of back-to-school shoppers & families frantically trying to cram in last-minute summer activities before classes resume...!  (We did this pre-pandemic, too! -- if you don't HAVE to be out there when things are so completely nuts, why subject yourself, right??)  There will be plenty of time to enjoy these places once the kids are back in school and things are quieter! 

Wondering:  Whether it's going to rain today (as we head to a cousins' gathering this afternoon). Our hosts have a big house, but it's nicer (and safer!) to stay outdoors, if possible!  

Wanting: Life to slow down, just a bit...!  Even though I'm retired, I always feel like I'm juggling all these balls and never getting anything accomplished...! 

Hoping:  To get out on the balcony with a cup of tea and a good book on Tuesday afternoon -- back to school day hereabouts. ;)  I haven't spent much time out there this summer, especially when it's been so hot & humid -- but I've started doing this on this particular day over the past few years, weather permitting. It's a way of calming myself amid all the hoopla, a reminder to relax and BREATHE, and a good reminder to myself that while there are certainly some things I'm missing out on as a non-parents, there ARE some advantages too. ;)  

Also:  Hoping to do better on my reading this month than I have over the summer.  (Although -- a couple of my book group reads will wrap up this month, so a better monthly total is probably guaranteed...!)  

Anticipating:  A busy few weeks ahead:  a get-together with the relatives on one side of dh's family today (it's a long weekend here -- Labour Day on Monday);  all the back-to-school hoopla & social media posts hereabouts; cottage weekend soon with dh's cousin & his wife (a little earlier this year than our previous visits); a meetup lunch with some local and visiting childless friends from online; and World Childless Week, including my webinar/chat with Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast about family history and childlessness on Sept. 16th.  :)  October will be here before we know it...! (Yikes!!)  

Feeling: Thankful that the summer has been less eventful/stressful than the last few. A little sad that it's already (almost!) over (!), but looking forward to cooler temperatures and the lovely fall colours. 

#MicroblogMondays: Online friends are real friends :)

Katy at Childless Collective wrote a blog post for the World Childless Week website recently titled "Online Friends are Real Friends." 

Amen!  My online friends are just as "real" to me as the people I know "in real life," and in many cases, they have been there for me over the past 26 years in a way that my "real life" family and friends have often not. I was lucky enough to find a "real life" local support group shortly after we lost Katie in 1998 (and wound  up staying 10 years as facilitators), but that group only met twice a month at most. Especially in those early days of bewildered grief, I craved something more.  And I found it, online.  (Even in those pre-blogging, pre-social media, pre-Zoom days!)  

I've written in the past about some of these friends -- the women (and a very few men) on a pregnancy loss email list I joined a few weeks after Katie's stillbirth;  the friends I made on the iVillage Childless Living message board in the early 2000s, several of whom I'm still in touch with regularly today.  And, since 2007 (17 years!!) bloggers.  I've been lucky enough to meet a few of these online friends face to face over the years too.  

Add one more to the count. :)  

A couple of Sunday nights ago, Mel -- the Stirrup Queen herself  -- messaged me:  "So totally random question - are you around this upcoming week because we just decided to come to Toronto."  

Me:  "Are you serious??!!  I would LOVE to meet up!!!!" 

If you're reading this post, you no doubt know Mel too, and all she's done for the blogging community over the past 18 years.  Blogging is, admittedly, not the force it once was (although I think it's just taken on a new form lately, i.e., Substack) -- but there was a time, pre-social media, when there was a flourishing community of adoption, loss and infertility bloggers -- and Mel was at the centre of it all, with her gargantuan blogroll and other regular community-building features and projects -- like this #MicroblogMondays, the Friday Roundup (which recently marked 1000 Friday posts!), the Lushary (which was always a favourite of mine, lol), the Barren Bitches Book Tour, the annual Creme de la Creme list of our favourite blog posts from the year, and so much more.  

Mel responded to some of my early tentative comments on her blog -- and encouraged me to start my own, back in (gulp) October 2007 -- almost 17 YEARS AGO.  To get to finally meet her -- AND her family, after hearing/reading about them all for so many years (from the twins' first day of kindergarten (!) to their departure for college!) -- was a surreal experience.  

(The hugs, however, were very real.  :)  )   

Several days and even more emails back & forth later, deluging Mel with suggestions for places they might want to visit during their stay (lol), I trekked downtown via subway to the Toronto Eaton Centre for the first time since before the pandemic, and we had dinner together on the patio of one of the restaurants there. (I had warned Mel about all the construction, roadwork and repairs going on in the city -- never dreaming that would include SANDBLASTING the walls of the old church across from the restaurant where we were eating!!  What a racket!  Thankfully, they did stop work for the evening, after we'd been sitting there about 45 minutes...!)  And after dinner, we walked through the mall to the Indigo bookstore, where Mel and I wound up standing and talking for more than an hour in the Mystery aisle ;) before I reluctantly headed home again.     

The visit was far too short, but I'm so glad the stars aligned to make it happen. 

Are online friends real friends? You bet.  ❤ 

You can read Mel's thoughts about her Toronto visit here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon

"Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon is the September choice for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club. Like our August pick, "Swing Time" (450-ish pages) -- which took me an entire month to slog through! -- "Code Name Helene" (I keep wanting to type "Code Name Ariel" for some reason??) was another long one -- the paperback was a hefty 570 pages of closed spaced, small-ish type. 

Fortunately, I had also purchased a cheap e-book version, where I could magnify the print to a more comfortable size! Also fortunately, "Code Name Helene" was a faster-paced and more captivating read (which got faster and more captivating as the book went on...!) -- and all the more interesting because, amazingly, it's a true story (!).  

The book moves back & forth in time and place, from pre-WWII Paris and Marseille to the French countryside in 1944, telling the story of how and why Nancy Wake, an Australian freelance journalist turned British Special Operations Executive (SOE) operative, parachuted into Nazi-occupied France to aid the resistance movement -- and seek a reunion with her French husband, Henri Fiocca. (And I think I'll stop there, because I don't want to give away too much!)  ALI note:  She did not have any children. 

My book club co-host (who is British) described "Code Name Helene" on Goodreads as "an absolutely cracking book!!!!"  I agree!  :)  I love WWII stories, especially ones focused on women, so this was right up my alley. The fact that Nancy was a real person is the icing on the cake! 

I'll admit I had to put the book down and take a break, every now & then -- despite my desire to find out what happened next! -- because some sections were pretty tense/intense! (But still, really good!)  What a movie/mini-series this book would make! 

(After I typed that, I Googled "Code Name Helene movie." What do you know? -- There is a mini-series in the works! -- or was?  Most of the stories I found about it were from 2020, and  announced that Elizabeth Debicki would play Nancy. Nothing since then. I imagine the pandemic may have delayed -- or derailed -- whatever was planned. :(   Further Googling revealed that there was, in fact, an earlier mini-series about Wake -- produced in Australia in 1987!)    

Content warning: A couple of graphic descriptions of torture (or perhaps more accurately, its aftermath) -- including that of a pregnant woman. :(   

5 stars on Goodreads & StoryGraph. 

Our next book (for October): "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I read this book back in 2008 (!) for Mel's Barren Bitches Book Tour, and reviewed it/answered some discussion questions here. I wasn't on Goodreads then (did it even exist in 2008?), but I later added a rating for the book of 4 stars. It will be interesting to see what I think of it, 16 (??!!-- WTF??!) years later!  

This was Book #24 read to date in 2024 (and Book #2 finished in August), bringing me to 53%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 5 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

Odds & ends

(Just some!! of the) Stuff I've been reading lately:  

• From the Globe & Mail (which bills itself as "Canada's national newspaper"): "An empty bird’s nest always leaves me melancholy."  (The print copy headline reads: "For many years I hoped and tried.")  Gorgeously written. (The author, Susan, & I have had coffee together and hope to meet up again soon!)  
• I had no idea who Anna Marie Tendler was -- although, once I read the Washington Post's review of her memoir, "Men Have Called Her Crazy," I recognized the name of her ex-husband (comedian John Mulaney -- as well as Olivia Munn, the actress he left Tendler for). What piqued my interest, though, was this telling detail (ouch!):  

A chapter about the death of her beloved dog is heart-rending, though. So is a chapter about freezing her eggs, especially for those who, again, know the context: Mulaney’s numerous jokes over the years about not wanting children, and the fact that he now has one with the woman he left Tendler for.

• (On the other hand, there's this...)  I wound up taking out a free 7-day trial subscription to Amanda Montei's Substack "Mad Woman," just so I could read the full text of the post titled "'Mothers' Instinct' and the horror of maternal desperation" (Subhead:  "The supposedly primal need women have for children is everywhere.")  
• (I already have a free subscription, and will likely cancel the free trial before my credit card gets charged... there are only so many paid subscriptions, for Substack and other things, that my budget can take...!) 
• The post analyzes a new film called "Mothers' Instinct" -- and the hoary old trope that the lack of a child drives women mad, that some women are so desperate for a child that they will resort to kidnapping, murder and other lurid crimes. (I know these things DO occasionally happen, but to apply that logic to all childless women is incredibly insulting.)  A couple of excerpts: 

...the film betrays two persistent and familiar fantasies: that mothers without children go insane; and that in their desperation for a child to control, women will stop at nothing.

...The mother-hungry woman is a common trope in psychological thrillers. We see this brand of horror a lot: the monstrous mother driven to madness by her insatiable thirst for a child— any child...  a kind of any-kid-will-do primal hunger that causes auto- and instinctual insanity in any woman who can’t get her motherhood dream fulfilled, or has it ripped from her too soon...

I could not help but think of the stories we’ve been hearing lately on the national stage. It’s that pervasive belief again: that women need motherhood not just to make their lives worthwhile, but to stabilize their moods.

And with the belief that without a child every woman goes mad, of course, comes more: the idea that women need children, need family, need men, to contain them, make them good, give them some target for all that wild animal energy. Even if their love for their child is destined to be a little pathological.

• Ali Hall -- whose work I have been reading on Medium -- has started a Substack, "Life Without Children." She's childfree by choice but consistently includes the CNBC perspective as well.  Her most recent post is "The Modern-Day Twist on “The Village” To Promote Equitability for All" (Subhead:  "Regardless of our parental or relationship status, we all need our village.") Hear, hear!! 
• Sample passage (emphasis the author's): 

There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.

This sense of entitlement is missing the whole point of “The Village.” For a village to function, it requires us all to be active members as soon as we can comprehend the workings of a community.

It takes time to build communities. They are an investment of love and support. A conglomerate of skills and interests. Expecting a village to present itself on command indicates a lack of personal contribution. I can’t help but wonder whether those who shout the loudest for a village have ever served as a villager.

If we want the benefits of a village, we must also be a villager.

• Ali Hall was also one of the speakers on Medium Day (Aug. 17th), and I reserved a "ticket" to her 30-minute Zoom session that morning, titled "Making Space for the Childless and Childfree."  (I am not sure whether those presentations are available to watch somewhere, but if you can find it, it's definitely worth seeing!) She spoke for about 15 minutes and then answered questions from viewers in the chat for another 15 -- but in those few minutes, she delivered a LOT of great messages!   
• "A truth of crones:" In her Substack "Gateway Elderwomen," Jody Day shares a linked list of other Substackers writing about the elderwomen experience, most of them also "NoMo Crones" (older women without children). 
• Phil Donahue died this week at age 88. He revolutionized the American TV talk show, considered himself a feminist, and was married to feminist icon, actress Marlo Thomas (who does not have children). I remember my mother watching his show every morning she was at home, when I was in high school. (I watched too, when I was home sick from school, or during summer holidays.)  I enjoyed this Salon article: "Phil Donahue showed how feminism and open-mindedness are crucial for democracy." 
• Kate Cox, the Texas woman who was denied an abortion (and had to go out of state to get one) after the fetus she was carrying was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, announced during the ceremonial roll call at the Democratic National Convention this week, that she is five months pregnant again and due in January.  Normally, I cringe at these sorts of public pregnancy announcements -- but I'll admit my eyes filled with happy tears for her! 
• This recent article in the Toronto Star, about Kamala Harris's teenaged years in Montreal (and how little she has to say about it), reminded me of my review of her book a couple of years ago (and one of my chief complaints about the book, lol).  Love the conclusion, lol:  

...we Canadians will harbour no hurt feelings about the strategic amnesia surrounding her Montreal years. But this we know whether or not she admits it: this woman who may soon occupy the Oval Office has a nice little sliver of Canada lodged deep in her soul.

We just won’t tell anyone.

• U.S. vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance's recent (ridiculous) comments -- about how the purpose of a post-menopausal woman is to help care for her grandchildren (!!!) -- spawned some hilarious comeback comments, posts and memes on social media. It also earned him a "Dingus of the Week" mention from Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell At Me." Lyz (single divorced mother of two children) added this thought at the end of the post, and I wanted to share at least part of it with  you here:  :)  (We need more Lyzs in the world, don't we??) 

So much of the discourse this week has involved weighing in on people’s choices to have children and dividing the world into the selfless parents and the selfish childless. So, I want to take a moment to say how much I value my friends who do not have children. I love them not because of the care work they do for me, but because they are delightful humans. But I would not be honest if I said I didn’t rely on their advice, insight, and kindness... 

So much of my life as a single mom who lives far away from family has meant building a new kind of community for myself, one that is bigger and wider and brighter and more spacious than the world I had before. And being able to have a night out with friends, who include my kids, and delight in them. Well, it means everything.

I don’t understand these small mean little worlds that are built to exclude rather than include...

So this week, I’m drinking Shirley Temples and toasting to all my friends without children. I’d be lost without you.

(Some appreciative remarks in the comments from childless and childfree people, as well as some kind affirmative remarks from other parents.)   

•  And speaking of Vance (although -- do we really have to??), I'm still laughing (BAHAHAHAHA!!)  over this satirical post from Charlotte Clymer:  "Are Childless Males Hurting America?"  ;)  (Definitely worth a read!!)