Pre-Voldemort Day thoughts, and some odds & ends

You will understand that, as a childless-not-by-choice woman (via stillbirth & infertility), That-Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, coming up this weekend (which I've dubbed "Voldemort Day") is not exactly my favourite on the calendar. (Check out the tag "Voldemort Day (Mother's Day)" for past posts on the subject.)  And as someone who hasn't lived within 1000 miles of her parents in 40 years, whose mother-in-law died before I ever met her, I haven't had to worry too much about family considerations on this day either.  I'd send a card, give Mom a call, maybe chip in on a gift that my (childfree by choice) sister would buy and deliver, and do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day.  

This year, I'll be spending Mother's Day AT my parents' house, for the first time in about 35 years. (I had a business trip in the early 1990s that brought me to Winnipeg just before Mother's Day, as well as my grandmother's birthday. I arranged to spend the weekend with them. I am so glad I did.)   

Except (major plot twist) Mom won't be there -- she died in January. I am now motherless, as well as childless. I was lucky enough to have my mother for almost 65 years;  my daughter never took a breath outside my body, but I miss them both, and especially on days like this one.  

My dad and sister have not mentioned MDay at all. (Yet?)  

I am not going to remind them. 

And now for some links:  

• We were at the mall one morning earlier this week.  It's not uncommon to see young moms there, out with their babies in strollers -- sometimes by themselves, sometimes in pairs. I thought I'd seen everything the day I saw four moms with four strollers. 
• Reader -- I had not. On this particular day, I encountered a group of moms with babies in strollers coming my way. TWELVE of them!!!  (I counted.)  12!!! Walking in a group, two or three abreast.  
• (A while later, I saw another group of five!  Not sure if they had broken off from the earlier group I saw, or if this was an entirely different group??)
• All I could think was that it was a good thing that I'm in a relatively good place these days. I mostly just shook my head in disbelief, texted dh (who also saw them, and thought it was hilarious) and... carried on.  Also that if this had been 20-25 years ago, it would have finished me off, sent me home immediately, and kept me away from the mall for weeks.(Progress?) 
• (I also wondered whether this en masse outing had anything to do with the fact that it was just a few days before Voldemort Day/MDay??)  
• Y.L. Wolfe absolutely nails it with her latest Substack piece at On the Outside: "Why This Childless Woman Chooses to Celebrate Mother's Day...Alone."  (Content warning:  Photo of mother & baby at the top of the page.)  A couple of excerpts:  

Don’t misunderstand - I absolutely believe mothers deserve a day of celebration and pampering. They deserve more than a day, in fact.

But that doesn’t mean it has to come at the expense of other women or exist in a space that ignores any other woman’s life circumstances...

I believe women like me need the same thing that mothers ask for: space to take up, validation, and support. In the absence of getting that from a culture indifferent and sometimes hostile to women without children, then we must give it to ourselves.

• This article also absolutely nails the childless-not-by-choice experience and why it can be so painful.  The lengthy title says it all:  "The hardest part of being childless by circumstance, not choice, often may not be the grief people expect — it may be the invisibility of living a life other people have no template for."  Excerpt:  

When women in this position describe the hardest part, they rarely lead with the absence of children. The absence is familiar by the time they’re forty-five. They’ve been around it. They have, on most days, made some sort of working peace with it.

What they describe instead is something more like a slow, ambient erasure. The conversations at dinner parties drift to school catchments and they’re not in them. Their friends speak in shorthand about a life stage they don’t share. Their own parents go quiet about future grandchildren. They are, increasingly, in rooms that aren’t built for them, and the architecture of those rooms gets repeated until it begins to feel like the architecture of the world.

• Virginia Evans, author of "The Correspondent" (which is high on my "want to read" list), is a mother, but she wrote an article for People that I can heartily agree with:  "Mothering Takes a Village. This Mother's Day, Let's Celebrate the Other Mother Figures."  (h/t to Kathleen Guthrie Woods for flagging this one on social media!). (And content warning:  there's a photo at the top of Virginia with her children.)  
• I got tears in my eyes reading this interview in the New York Times with Tracy Clark-Flory:  "My Mom Had a Secret Daughter. I Finally Found Her."  I've put her book on my wish list. (Gift link.) 
• At Afterglow, Katie Dunn welcomes a guest post from fellow Substacker Lexi Weber: "The unexpected intimacy of infertility."   
• Lexi writes at "Not (What I Was) Expecting." I've added her to my blogrolls here and on Feedly. Recent (also excellent) post: “You never know what could happen.” (and why that's not something you should say to someone going through infertility or facing permanent childlessness).  

#MicroblogMondays: Busy!

Yesterday was "one of those days"... non-stop from the time I got up until I hit the mattress that night. 

It was Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day in the UK, and I volunteered to cohost a text chat in the private Childless Collective online community for an hour in the morning after breakfast. I wasn't moving too fast that morning, and did it while still in my PJs (!). 

I (finally) showered after we had brunch, and just as I was drying myself off, the phone rang.  It was BIL:  our great-nephews were spending the afternoon with them while their parents went out for new tattoos (lol) -- so off we went to BIL & SIL's, where we had tea/coffee, visited and chased the two little guys around for three hours. 

We stopped at the supermarket en route home to pick up some pizza slices for an early dinner, and then my sister called. She & my dad had been to view a local apartment that's coming vacant soon. She said it was quite nice. And... Dad thinks he's going to take it (or at least apply for it, but they spoke with the manager, and it sounds like he's likely to get it if he applies). It's a little earlier than he was expecting to move -- he was thinking summertime -- but you have to take these opportunities as they arise...!  

My sister asked me if I was willing to split the monthly rent with her, until we can get Dad and some of his stuff moved over there, clear out the rest of the stuff (or at least the excess), and get the house sold (at which time he says he will pay us back out of the proceeds). Dh & I were expecting this, and said yes, of course (although we'll have to make a few adjustments to our cash flow!). The rent is really quite reasonable (certainly by Toronto standards...!). 

I was just going into a Zoom call with some online friends, so I told her to tell Dad I'd call back in about an hour and speak to him then. Chatted for an hour with my friends and then called Dad (my sister was still there too, although almost ready to head home for another work week), and talked a bit more about the apartment. A neighbour's daughter lives there and is quite happy there. Dad has heard that another building in town is a little nicer (it's in a nicer location), but it's a life-lease arrangement requiring a fairly significant chunk of change up front. And who knows when a unit there (or anywhere else in town) will open up?  

Got off the phone with Dad -- and it was almost time to watch the Oscars on TV!  As I mentioned in another recent post, I haven't been to a movie theatre since before the pandemic, and most of the nominated movies were ones I'd barely heard of. I didn't recognize half (more than half!) of the people featured on the pre-show red carpet broadcast I watched.  But I have watched the Oscars since I was a kid -- it's the only awards show that I still sit through, start to finish -- and last night was no exception.   

Host Conan O'Brien was well into his opening monologue when I suddenly realized I did not have a ballot/list of the nominees!  Ever since I was a kid, I have watched the Oscars with a list of nominees in hand, marking off the winners as they come up and keeping track of which movies are receiving the most awards. (I kept all those marked-up lists too, for years, until I realized all that information was now readily available on the Internet.  But the habit of tracking during the show persists!)  Back then, I would clip a ballot from the newspaper;  these days, I find one on the Internet. Since I didn't time to check out several and decide which one I liked the best, I just went to Oscars.com and printed off the nominee list. Which was fine -- except it ran several pages long, which meant flipping madly through the pages as each category came up, trying to find the right one. (Thankfully, the pages were numbered!)  I was also attempting (mostly during commercial breaks) to monitor (and occasionally contribute to) the Oscars chat on Anne Helen Petersen's Culture Study on Patreon.  

And I was thinking about my mom. :(  I bawled my eyes out in the In Memoriam section, particularly near the very end of it, when Barbra Streisand showed up to pay tribute to Robert Redford and sang a few wistful bars of "The Way We Were." As I've written before, Redford was my screen idol when I was growing up:  my mother took us to see "The Way We Were" and "The Great Gatsby" -- at the drive in, on a school night!!  Mom loved the movies, and the Oscars, and let me stay up late on a school night to watch with her then too.  I was thinking about her last night (obviously) -- and the In Memoriam section, and Redford tribute, finished me off, emotionally.  

By the time the broadcast ended, around 10:40 PM (much earlier than in the days when it started at 8 or 8:30 PM!), I washed up, etc., it was almost 11:30 PM when I finally crawled into bed. I had hardly glanced at my emails all day! and I am still trying to catch up today and clear my inbox. 

Woke up this morning to an alarm clock at 7 AM. Did not have breakfast (or even anything to drink), because I had appointments at a local imaging clinic for both a mammogram and an abdominal ultrasound to screen for aortic aneurysms (!).  I'd never heard of this, but I did a little Googling:  apparently it's a new screening program (implemented last fall) offered by Ontario Health when you turn 65. I got the letter about it at the same time I got my mammogram reminder, and booked them together. 

I will need to fast overnight Thursday/Friday morning too, because I'm going for bloodwork to check my cholesterol (eeek). Cross your crossables for me that my results are acceptable (or at least show improvement -- despite my erratic schedule and diet the past few months...!). I do NOT want to have to take another prescription! 

En route home from the imaging clinic, we stopped off at the supermarket to do our usual Monday grocery shopping.  It was earlier than we usually go, and the store was nowhere near as busy as it is then.  Back at home, I finally had a belated breakfast, then washed, chopped and packaged up the fruits and vegetables we'd bought -- just in time for lunch.

This afternoon, I went looking for my previous bloodwork results (I view them online, print them off and then compare them to previous test results) in a big plastic bin full of assorted junk:  medical-related & dental bills and insurance claim forms, as well as random photos that need to be sorted, keepsake theatre programs and ticket stubs, wedding and shower invitations, funeral cards and obituaries that I've printed off, etc. And got sidetracked. ;)  I did find what I was looking for, but a whole lot more too:  several hours later, there was pile of paper to recycle, another pile to shred and a third pile to toss outright, but the box was much better organized and not QUITE so full.  (Dh thinks I still keep WAY too much stuff -- but I'm slowly chipping away at it...!).   

And it's spring break here this week. Not sure we will be brave enough to make our usual trip to the mall for walking and shopping among the expected crowds...!   

How is your week shaping up?? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

A few odds & ends

A couple of articles/posts to share: 

• Tracey Cleantis Dwyer -- formerly at "La Belette Rouge" (a blog which no longer exists) -- has returned to blogging via Substack!  Check out "The Next Happy Project." 
• I highly recommend Tracey's 2015 book "The Next Happy," which is all about letting go of the life you had planned -- something Tracey, who is childless after infertility, knows a lot about. 
• Disclosure:  I'm in the book. :)  I answered survey questions for Tracey as part of her research.  I also reviewed the book on my blog not long after it was published, here. 
• This Sunday, March 15th is "Mothering Sunday" in Britain, and The Full Stop community and podcast has published a post on Linked In with suggestions for "Navigating Mother's Day When You're Childless Not by Choice." (Also very applicable for Mother's Day in May, here in North America & elsewhere in the world.)  

Non-ALI/CNBC related:  

• It wasn't just our imaginations -- this winter really was as cold and snowy as it seemed, the Toronto Star confirms by looking at the historical weather data.  
• The time changed last weekend -- and it struck me that my mother was no longer here to complain about it (as she always, always did!).  Wherever she is now, I know it's a place where time is meaningless. Enjoy, Mom.  :)  
• This coming weekend (Sunday night) is the Oscars. 
• I used to follow the Oscar races like a hawk (I even won the office Oscar pool once!), and tried to see as many of the nominated movies as I could (the ones that interested me, anyway).  These days, I think I am only aware of "Hamnet" (with its ties to a well-known book and its grief/child loss theme -- not to mention Paul Mescal, lol), but not many of the other nominees.  
• Mel recently posted about "The Last Movie I Saw;" I think the last one I saw in-theatre was "1917" (which was very good, and one of those movies that really deserves to be seen in a theatre). The pandemic began not long after that and, well, you know the rest. We used to go to the movies, perhaps not every Sunday, but usually at least one Sunday a month. Many things have returned to some form of normalcy since then, but we still haven't been back to the theatre.  I am not sure how we got out of the habit, but we did.  I do miss it sometimes. 
• Nevertheless, I will be watching on Sunday.  :) 
• This will be my first Oscar night without my Mom. :(  She always watched, and when I was growing up, she would let me stay up late -- on a school night! -- to watch with her. I more recent years, I would always call her before the show started (even though she hadn't been to a movie theatre in years either). 
• I'm sure she will be watching from wherever she is now.  And I hope there's a bottomless bucket of popcorn, and that it doesn't bother her stomach, as it did in her later years (to the point that she had to stop eating it).  

#MicroblogMondays: Annoying things & small pleasures

(It's been a while since I did one of these... always easy to put together in a pinch, and I had NO idea what to write for #MM today...!)  

Annoying things: 

• Voldemort Day (i.e., yesterday). Enough said.  ;)  
• That said -- it wasn't too bad, compared to some years. Dh took me out for brunch -- on Friday, much less crowded!  -- and I spent a lot of the day online. I co-hosted a childless community text chat for an hour, and spent some time chatting there myself before and after my shift.  And then watched "Miss Austen" on PBS later that evening. 
• We emptied and cleaned out the humidifier, thinking we wouldn't need it any more, now that nicer weather is here (if not the summer humidity)(yet...!)... but it's been awfully dry in here. I wake up feeling like my eyelids are glued to my eyeballs -- I'm going through eye drops like crazy -- and I have to keep putting on hand lotion, because the backs of my hands are so itchy. Sigh.... 
• I accidentally dropped a picture frame on our coffee table while dusting, and it left a small gouge.  Likewise, our dining table has a lot of small, fine scratches on it. Dh scolds me for fretting about stuff like this -- they're 9 years old!  they've been well used!  scratches and dents are going to happen!  But it makes me sad. (Also, we paid a lot of money for this stuff! Sigh...)  
• Our personal banker called us on Friday, when we were out, and we didn't get his message until later in the day. So I called him back this morning -- which went to voice mail -- and left a message, including our home phone/landline number and also my cellphone number.  He called again a few hours later -- but he called dh's cellphone. (Which he also had on file, but still...!) WTF??  I know he enjoys talking to dh when we go there to see him -- both finance guys, both Italian -- but seriously??  Needless to say, I was not amused.
• I'm behind on my Goodreads reading goal for the year.  :( 

Small pleasures: 

• It's been nice enough outside to have the balcony door open all day, most days. Yay!! 
• It's been staying lighter outside for longer again.  :)  
• I'm noticing more sunsets again!  Yes, I know, the sun sets every night ;)  but it seems to be more noticeable (and prettier!) from spring through fall.  
• Buying cute outfits for the great-niblings. :)  
• Getting out new (renewed) passports! (I got mine almost two weeks ago and dh's FINALLY arrived today. Not sure why his took so long;  I sent them in the same package.)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Voldemort Day odds & ends

It's been a while, and a pile of odds & ends have been accumulating in my drafts folder!  

• There was an extensive article in the Toronto Star recently on communal living -- a subject of interest for many CNBCers (especially those without partners) -- with a particular focus on the "Golden Girls" model, profiling four senior women living together in London (Ontario).  It discusses the pros & cons of such arrangements, and the move to enact legislation to support them. 
• I was tickled that the article actually mentions that "By 2036, nearly a quarter of Canadians are expected to be 65 or older. Many do not have children to support them in their senior years..." 
• Within that article, there's a link to another story from a few weeks ago that I hadn't seen, about a new documentary about solo aging. (The video is embedded in the story.) There are also links to some resources, including a mention of Ageing Without Children in the UK! 
• I haven't watched the documentary yet, and I don't know if it's viewable outside Canada, but here's a link to the story, fyi. (For some reason, gift links were not offered?? -- hopefully this will work regardless...)  
• Also from the Toronto Star: the stuff of nightmares for fertility patients: "Disturbing errors at Ontario fertility clinics destroy couples’ baby dreams years after province abandoned oversight plans." 
• Sample quote:  "...the person cleaning your teeth or giving you a massage is more highly regulated than the person looking after your embryos."
• Not a new subject, but well written: from Life Without Children, Nadia Huq observes "If I Was in a Hollywood Movie, I’d Be Dead." (Subhead: "Where are the happy endings for single women without kids?")   

Suddenly, everyone is talking about pronatalism (and pushing back on it too)(albeit not necessarily from a childless perspective). Just a couple of relevant articles: 

• From the New York Times: "White House Assesses Ways to Persuade Women to Have More Children." (Pronatalism much?) 
• Beware the comments:  the ones I scanned contained a lot of childless/free-bashing by parents (and vice versa). Not good. :( 
• An excellent piece on this topic from Jill Filipovic (unfortunately, I think it's paywalled for subscribers). "Yes, America Should Make It Easier to Have Children." 
• The kicker is in the subhead:  "But the Trump administration doesn't want to help families. It wants to punish single women and childless people."  Yup. 
• Also related (and very much worth reading -- with an irresistible headline to boot...!), from Jessica Valenti at Abortion Every Day: "Bro-Natalists Are Ruining America." 
• Also related, from the Washington Post:  "You can’t bribe and shame your way to more babies." (Gift link.) 

And, a few for Voldemort Day (my pet name -- i.e., "The Day That Shall Not Be Named," lol):  

• Lisa Sibbett at The Auntie Bulletin and Ryan Rose Weaver of InTending talk about THAT day (both video & transcript available):  "There's No Card for This." Well worth a read!  
• From Y.L. Wolfe at On the Outside:  "A Tribute to the Childless Women Who Feel Invisible on Mother's Day." (Subhead:  "Your feelings and experiences matter, too.")  
• Mild rant:  I was at the bookstore recently and picked up a new title by Uzma Jalaluddin, with the promising title of "Detective Aunty." Always happy to see books about aunties! :)  
• Nevertheless -- while the cover description asks "who better to pry answers from unwilling suspects than a meddlesome aunty?" the title character, in fact, is not an "aunty" but a mother and grandmother, whose daughter is accused of murder. Maybe I'm missing something here, but why then isn't the title "Detective Grandma"??  
• And -- like mothers proclaiming themselves "childless" when they've dropped the kids off at Grandma's for the weekend, or "childless cat ladies" just because they own a cat and their kids are now all at college, why must mothers appropriate yet another title that doesn't quite describe their personal situation?? (I recognize that one can be a mother/grandmother AND an auntie, but still...!) 
• (I may still read the book, but still...!)  
• If you are interested in current events & U.S. politics with a historical perspective, Heather Cox Richardson's Substack, "Letters from an American" is an absolute must-read that I cannot recommend highly enough. On weekends, however, she often switches gears and posts about something else, sometimes just a gorgeous scenic photo. 
• Last night (in advance of That Day), she wrote about an older childfree friend who's influenced her life. It's a delight. :) May we all have a Mrs. A., in our life, and perhaps be that Mrs. A. for someone else!  
• This was written before Easter, not today -- and it has absolutely nothing to do with childlessness, pregnancy loss or infertility -- but it sure made me laugh!  Connie Schulz is such a fabulous writer!  If, like me, you grew up in the 1960s and 1970s, you will certainly enjoy "For Easter: A Tribute to Mom's Beehives." :)  

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

May was a fast month! (How is this year almost halfway over, already??) The weather turned warmer and sunnier, albeit it still had a few too many overcast/rainy/chilly days to suit me...!  We turned on the air conditioning, mid-month, but it's only kicked in a few times so far. I cleaned off the balcony/patio furniture, but haven't had a chance to sit out there and enjoy it. (Yet!)  

Pandemic diary/update: May was month #50 (!) since the advent of covid in March 2020. Nobody seems to be talking much about covid these days... but we know it's still out there. (Here's a relevant, if U.S.-centric, gift-linked Washington Post article:  "Covid will still be here this summer. Will anyone care?")  After 4+ years, we (still!) remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and continue to mask in stores and most other public places, especially where there are a lot of people (although dh is starting to slack off again whenever I'm not around to hand him a mask...!). We've done a little more eating out in mall food courts and cafes/restaurants in recent months (mostly for lunch), albeit we usually try to go early, when it won't be as crowded, and sit somewhere near the door, where the air is circulating better (if not outside on a patio, if one is available). We're still not back to regular Saturday dinners out, and I'm not sure we ever will be. (Even without my concerns about covid, the cost of eating out has gotten ridiculous lately! -- even just for takeout!)  

Among other things this month, we: 

• Attended a 90th birthday party for dh's uncle (his dad's sister's husband) on May 4th at an Italian restaurant, along with 40-50 other family members and friends. (Maskless.) It was very noisy and crowded, and we were EXHAUSTED the next day (boy, are we getting old...!), but the food was good (see "Eating," below) and it was so nice to see so many of dh's aunts, uncles & cousins.  
• Went to the mall for a few hours of walking, shopping and lunch (at a great fast-fired pizza cafe -- see "Eating," below) on May 7th and 22nd.  
• Had a browse at the bookstore, May 14th, and went grocery shopping with dh (May 27th). 
• Drove to our old community on May 17th (the Friday before the Victoria Day long weekend!). Stopped at the cemetery briefly to visit Katie's niche, then headed to the mall for haircuts, lunch in the food court (Tim Hortons) and some shopping and walking. 
• Had lunch at BIL & SIL's house on May 19th (Sunday of the Victoria Day long weekend), along with the nephews and their families. The weather was gorgeous, the food was great and the company was unbeatable :) (including entertainment from Little Great-Nephew & Little Great-Niece!).  

 

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 3 books in May (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2024 books").  

• "Fletcher’s End" by D.E. Stevenson, a sequel to "Bel Lamington." (My review.) 
• "All In" by Billie Jean King (the June book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (My review.)
• "Anne's House of Dreams" by L.M. Montgomery, a re-read with my LMM Readathon Facebook group, which began Jan. 15th. (My most recent review here;  original review here.)  

This brings me to 17 books read so far in 2024, 38% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books.  I am currently one (1) book behind schedule to meet my goal. :)   

Current read(s): 

• "Fletcher’s End" by D.E. Stevenson, for my DES group -- a sequel to "Bel Lamington." Our group read started May 20th and will run through mid-September! -- currently at 11% read. (My original review.) 
• "Bring Up the Bodies" by Hilary Mantel (book #2 in the Thomas Cromwell Trilogy) -- part of a year-long "slow readalong" hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents.  We started April 29th;  currently at about 51% read. We will finish this one and start reading #3 in the trilogy, "The Mirror and the Light," in mid/late July.  
• "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy (!). As I wrote here, I need another book club/readalong obligation like a hole in the head  ;)  but nevertheless, I'm taking part in a year-long readalong of this book, hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents -- a chapter a day for a full year, which began Jan. 1, 2024. (And I'm really enjoying it!)  Currently at about 47% read.  
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through, in between the other books...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club: 
• "The Hollow Sea" by Annie Kirby (July) 
• "Swing Time" by Zadie Smith (August) 
• "Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon (September) 
• "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (October) (a Barren Bitches Book Tour selection from October 2008, the early days of this blog! -- discussed here;  related post here). 
• "Persuasion" by Jane Austen (November) 
• "The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman (reviewed here).  (December) 
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy through 2024, and well into 2025 or 2026!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered when I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Miss Buncle’s Book (likely beginning September/October 2024;  original 2015 review here).  
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married
• The Two Mrs. Abbotts
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces

• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted in June 2023 (no further posts/books since then).  I've continued dipping into the series on my own, between other book club obligations. Book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is the next one on my to-read list! 

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points):  

• "The Bee Sting" by Paul Murray 
• "Wild Hope" by Donna Ashworth 
• "Everyone on This Train is a Suspect" by Benjamin Stevenson 
• "I Promise It Won't Always Hurt Like This" by Claire Mackintosh 
• "Leadership: In Turbulent Times" by Doris Kearns Goodwin 
• "Living the Beatles Legend" by Kenneth Womack 
• "Not Your China Doll" by Katie Gee Salisbury
• "The Class" by Ken Dryden 

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Watching:  Nothing too notable.  (Too much news!  :p  ) 

Listening:  Nicer weather (but not too hot -- yet!! -- and not quite enough sunshine...!) is FINALLY here, we have the balcony door open for most of the day -- which means a constant soundtrack consisting of either (a) lawnmowers, weed whackers and leaf blowers (especially as many people around us are doing yard cleanup from the winter and putting in their gardens), and/or (b) the revved up motors of sportscars and motorcycles, and/or (c) music from neighbouring back yards and patios, as people start spending more time outdoors. The Victoria Day long weekend was especially noisy. We had a group of partygoers SINGING somewhere nearby, plus the loud explosions of fireworks every night.  Heaven grant me patience...!  

We had new neighbours move into the unit kitty-corner from us, early in the new year. We have never seen them -- but we HEAR them -- specifically, we've heard at least one child (and often more -- not sure if they're siblings or just friends?) coming & going -- often running (stampeding??) full speed down the hall between 3 and 3:30 p.m. (school's out?), NOT whispering!  Lots of giggles. ;)  Under 10 years old, we think. Thankfully, the noise is usually short-lived as they go into their unit, or head down the hall to the elevators! 

Further down the hall, the neighbours, the dog or both must be new to the building, because we've never heard it before... but starting Victoria Day Monday and for several days afterward, the poor thing barked and howled up a storm for hours on end, every day.  :(   Damn near broke my heart.  :(  I'm assuming the people who live in that unit -- several doors down, and I'm sure you could hear it all over the floor -- got a new dog/puppy and just left it alone during the day while they went to work, without arranging for doggie day care of some sort. People always used to ask me why we didn't have a dog:  THIS is why. :(   I just don't think it's fair to the animal to be left alone for 8, 10, 12 hours a day, even if/when they don't make any noise.  I was on the verge of either taping a note to their door, or sending a complaint to the property manager when, thankfully, the noise subsided after a couple of day. (Not sure why -- and not sure I want to find out...?) 

To Heardle Decades: Stats as of  May 31st:  

• Heardle 60s: 76.3% (461/604, 191 on first guess), down just slightly from last month. Max. streak: 15.
• Heardle 70s: 81.6% (279/342, 150 on first guess), up from last month. Max. streak: 18. 
• Heardle 80s: 42.3% (91/215,  38 on first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 
• Heardle 90s: 26.2% (85/325, 17 on first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Eating/Drinking:  Way too much at the 90th birthday party for dh's uncle on May 4th at an Italian restaurant: appetizer after appetizer; salad;  pasta (penne with alfredo sauce for me;  penne alla vodka for everyone else);  a great sirloin steak with roasted potatos & veggies (including fresh asparagus);  and tiramisu for dessert (as well as Italian pastries baked by dh's aunts).  

Also way too much at lunch (barbecued) at BIL's on May 19th with the family:  a small steak with a baked potato, also a hamburger, and salad. There were also hotdogs, corn on the cob and a quinoa salad (which I couldn't eat because it had tomato in it), and apple pie and birthday cake for dessert.  (Our nephews' wives both had birthdays earlier this month -- they were born same day, same year! and wound up marrying brothers!  Isn't that wild?)

Thin-crust, fast-fired pizza from an outlet at the mall an outlet at the mall, both times we were there this month. (Apparently an American chain?)  Rather like the delicious pizzas we enjoyed in Ottawa's Byward Market a few years back. You can build your own or order from their suggested menu, which includes two tomato-free options for me. (I don't remember the name of the one I usually order, but it has a cream/alfredo sauce base with cheese, garlic and bacon, and arugula sprinkled on top at the very end when it comes out of the oven.)  Couldn't finish the entire thing in one sitting, both times, so took home the remaining slices and had them for lunch the next day. Delicious!  

Takeout lunches & dinners this month included soup, pizza slices and teriyaki rice bowls (chicken for me, beef for dh) from the supermarket takeout counters; California Sandwiches, chicken fingers and fries (Jack Astor's), and breakfast sandwiches (for lunch) from Tim Hortons. 

And on the drinking front ;) -- we don't normally keep a lot of alcohol in the house -- but we bought dh's uncle a bottle of champagne for his 90th birthday party (what do you get for a 90-year-old man, right??), and I picked up a small bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream for myself at the same time.  I enjoyed a nice big glass of it, cold, on Mother's Day, while taking part in a text chat with some other childless women. Perfect!  ;)  

Buying (besides books, lol):  

• Some new kitchen towels and handtowels for the bathroom, a couple of T-shirts for myself, and a couple of things for Little Great-Niece & Little Great-Nephew (including matching T-shirts that say "Cousin Crew," lol) at the mall.  
• A black handbag/purse (style name Leila, pebbled leather) at the Kate Spade outlet store, on our most recent trip to the mall. Similar to the Vince Camuto bag I am using right now (the salesperson even commented on that). I didn't NEED a new handbag, but I tend to be very picky about my purses, and the ones I like are hard to find at the moment. I like them big (but not TOO big! -- or else I overstuff them), with a substantial strap(s), at least two compartments (preferably three, which this one had) and the more pockets, the better.   Most Kate Spade bags are a little too small and dainty for my tastes, but this one was perfect. 
• Regular price on the tag: $479 (Canadian)(!) -- store price much less than that (I don't remember exactly how much, but under $200), and there were a couple more discounts. Including taxes, I paid just over $150.  :)   
• Great deal?  Well yes. EXCEPT -- when I got it home and removed all the paper stuffing inside, I realized it REEKED. It smelled like cigarette smoke. :(  I put it in the closet, and the next morning, the whole closet smelled. 
• So I moved the bag into the other bedroom/office (lol) and did some Googling. I put a couple of small (snack-sized) open Ziploc baggies full of baking soda inside each compartment, closed them up, then put the purse inside a plastic bag with the rest of the box of baking soda. 
• That was 2 days ago. I opened up the bag and the purse yesterday morning. I could still smell something, albeit not quite so strongly. So I pulled out the lining and set it out on a chair on the balcony in the shade for a couple of hours. Once the sun started moving onto the balcony, I brought the bag indoors. It still smelled a bit, but less so. I wrapped it up again with the baking soda in the bag overnight. I may set it outside again for a while today. 
• Any other suggestions for me??  (Dh has suggested I could take it back, but I'm not sure I want to do that. It was the only black purse they had left in stock.) (Maybe that's why??)  I'm in no hurry to use it;  the purse I have is just fine right now. I just like to have one in reserve. ;)  

Wearing: Capris, sandals and short sleeves, finally!! (by mid-month)!  Yay!!  :)  (Albeit I still need to put on slippers and/or a cardigan, now & then!) 

Noticing:  My rosacea, which subsided after being on a prescription cream for a month (one month only -- albeit it did not vanish completely), is flaring up again. :(   Probably time to go back to the doctor. He said he might refer me to a dermatologist. I had FLAWLESS skin when I was a teenager (go figure...), so I'm having a hard time with what I see in the mirror these days...!  :(   Sigh.... (Would this be menopause related??) 

Missing:  Little Great-Niece and Little Great-Nephew. It's been two weeks since we last saw them, and it feels like ages.  :(  

Trying:  To be a little more active than I have been lately...!  (The nicer weather is motivation!) 

Prioritizing: Keeping up with reading my various book club selections. I'm enjoying them all, but I do hope to be able to get to read a few of my own choices soon...!  (So many great books, so little time...!) 

Wanting: To pay a visit to the nearby art gallery where I have a membership again soon. I think the last time we went was on my birthday in January -- the grounds are lovely, and the weather is MUCH more conducive to a walk around there than it was then!. 

Hoping:  For a good report from the dentist next week, when we go for cleanings & checkups...!  

Enjoying: Playing Connections in the New York Times every day lately. I never got into Wordle, but we recently played a themed version on a Zoom call for one of the online groups I'm in, and I was hooked!  (One more thing for my daily to-do list...!) 

Loving & Appreciating:  Being able to have the balcony door open and letting the fresh air in for most of the day, almost every day lately, during the last half of the month!  

Wondering:  How long that's going to last before the heat & humidity kick in??    

Feeling:  Happy that warm(er, but not TOO warm... yet!!) weather is finally here! 

Odds & ends on THAT weekend...

• What are you all up to?  We're having a quiet weekend. (Not that most of our weekends aren't quiet...!)  Catching up on reading emails and books.  
• I'll be hanging out at the Childless Collective private online community tomorrow, where there are several Zoom events and an online (text) chat planned. :)  
• From the New York Times on MDay weekend: "An Ode to Those Who Mother Us." (Gift link.)  "Those who love and care for us are not always our parents. For Mother’s Day, The Times asked readers to tell us about the mother figures in their lives."  (Some of the examples cited, albeit not all of them, are childless.)  
• Marsha Lederman in The Globe & Mail had an opinion piece this weekend with a headline that gladdened my heart: "A Mother’s Day plea: Be mindful of those around you." (Gift link.) 
• It starts out very promisingly, citing many of the reasons why Mother's Day can be difficult for so many people. ("I hate to be a bummer, but we should be mindful that this is not a day of brunches and roses for all families.")  
• Then it shifts to the story of Anna Jarvis, who created Mother's Day -- and lived to regret it. 
• Alas, the ending undercuts the message, with a shoutout to the power of mothers. Sigh...
• Jennie Agg at Life, Almost, interviews Jenni Calcraft, a physiotherapist (based in Liverpool, England) who helps women in their physical recovery, postpartum, after pregnancy loss.  Check out the interview, and Jenni's website, the PABL Project. Hopefully this is something that will catch on more widely!  
•  I wish I'd seen this article in time to include in my last "odds & ends" roundup, since there were several (other) articles there that were critical of the fertility industry. This one is from The Atlantic: "America’s IVF Failure." (Gift link, available for 14 days from today.)  Subheader: "One out of every 50 babies born in the U.S. was conceived via IVF. Why is the industry so poorly regulated?" 
• (I don't think Canada is a whole lot better...! -- the legislation regulating the fertility industry is 20 years old -- the result of a royal commission on reproductive technologies created in 1989 (!!) -- and was already considered out of date when it was finally enacted in 2004.) 
• Annoying thing:  My (relatively new) Kobo e-reader has not been synching or downloading new books for almost two months now (AGAIN -- it's been doing this almost since I bought it last fall...!).  I haven't especially needed or wanted a book that's not already been downloaded for a while, but I will soon, and it's annoying. 
• Signing in & out of my account has worked as a fix in the past (and I've usually been able to sync regularly for a while afterwards)  -- but it's like setting up my e-reader all over again from scratch:  I can see all the titles I've purchased, and it keeps my collections intact -- but anything I've downloaded from outside sources gets wiped (I keep all those on my old reader);  all my bookmarks and highlights, etc., disappear;  and it only downloads the most recent 5 books I've purchased -- I have to re-download all the other titles I want to keep ready to go. (Right now, I have more than 600 downloaded.)  Sigh....  
• I created a new blog label/tag, "e-readers," so that I (if not you! lol) can find relevant posts faster! 
• (Very) annoying thing:  I just saw a TV ad for Ragu pasta sauce with the tagline "Cook like a Mother."  ARGGGHHH...  (Apparently it's been around for a few years now.)  
• I Googled "Ragu" and the tagline, and it looks like I'm not the only one who finds it offensive...! (for a variety of reasons that I never would have guessed...!).  
• Non-ALI related:  I've enjoyed reading several of Nick Hornby's novels (and the movies adapted from them), and recently learned he has a Substack newsletter (who doesn't these days??). In a recent post,  he wrote about a new television adaptation of Tom Wolfe's 1998 novel "A Man in Full." (Disclaimer:  I have neither read the book nor seen the TV show.) The show is set in present day, but Hornby points out that Charlie is still very much a man of the time when he was created, and the times he would have lived through to that point:      

He belongs exactly where and when we first met him, at the end of the 1990s. If you start to fiddle around with him so that he at least pretends to understand what’s going on now, he falls apart. The novel was written to reflect that kind of ‘90s man; that was Wolfe’s schtick, the journalistic eye. Wall Street. Property. No women in any boardroom. Swinging dicks. There are assholes running big business now, of course, but it’s a different kind of asshole, one that reflects the times they have lived through.

Moreover, Hornby explains (and I love, love, loved this paragraph -- maybe because he's not that much older than I am....! -- and because he offers some sound advice to writers and others, along with a plug for the importance of considering history):  

No character can exist outside of history; history is a part of what makes us who we are. Working out what has happened during a character’s lifetime is an important step on the way to that character becoming real. Young writers attempting to imagine someone of my age, 67, often tend to attribute a cliched version of ‘elderliness’ to them: retired, walking the dog, doing the crossword, voting for Trump and Brexit, shouting at the television. Well, kid: I was nineteen when the Sex Pistols released their first single, and twenty-five when I heard hip-hop - ‘The Message’ by Grandmaster Flash - for the first time. (And I voted Remain twice, in 1975 and 2016.) Haight-Asbury was pop-culture history to me, something I learned about from my elders. The drugs were mostly the same, although you couldn’t order them from your phone. People had a lot of pre-marital sex. I’m not saying that I’m not ageing. I’m just saying that it’s happening differently for my generation. No pipes, not so many slippers. (Lots of dogs, and probably even more shouting at the TV.) We’re living longer, and we are fitter. Old age doesn’t have a permanent character.

#MicroblogMondays: Annoying things & small pleasures

 Annoying things: 

• MDay ads & marketing, reaching a fever pitch this week. Bah, humbug... 
• The master bathroom sink, which has always been sluggish, but always responded to a dose of baking soda & vinegar followed by hot water, clogged up a week ago Thursday (April 25th) and refused to clear.  
• Related annoying thing #1:  Called the plumber who handles the overall plumbing systems for our building on Thursday morning. He told me he'd try to come that day and, if not, would call me on Friday to arrange another time. He didn't show up all weekend :p -- but when I messaged him on Sunday, he did apologize and came early Monday morning.  
• Related annoying thing #2:  Paying him $250 (plus tax!) for half an hour's work (!!).  
• Related small pleasure:  Having a functioning second bathroom sink to use in the meantime...!!  (A second bathroom was not high on our list of "must-haves" when condo shopping, but this is not the first time we've been VERY glad we have it!)  
• There were a LOT of long faces around here last Saturday night/Monday morning:  The Toronto Maple Leafs lost to the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of the first round of Stanley Cup playoffs, in overtime, on Saturday night. I don't know how many times they've wound up playing Boston in the first round of playoffs -- when they've made the playoffs! -- and lost, but it's been a LONG time since they've bested Boston and gone on to the next round. 
• My beloved Winnipeg Jets were knocked out of the first round by Colorado. :(  
• There are still two Canadian teams left in the playoffs (Vancouver & Edmonton -- who are playing each other!). A Canadian team has not won the Stanley Cup since 1993 (31 years ago).  :(   
• The last time the Leafs won the Cup was in 1967 -- 57 years ago!! (My husband was 10 years old at the time and remembers it well!)   
• Someone in the neighbourhood blasting music at top volume on Sunday afternoon... it was mild enough that we had the balcony door open, but we had to close it (and we could still hear it faintly through the closed door/windows).  Hopefully this is not a preview of things to come this summer...!  
• How many guys (including my own dh.) are simply not getting the "man vs bear" debate going on right now (and why so many women are saying they'd choose the bear). One friend pointed out on FB that she probably wouldn't be in the woods by herself anyway (true for me too -- lots of things could happens beyond the whole man vs bear thing, right?). Another (a former blogger), lives in an area where close encounters with bears are not uncommon sight -- but, she added, "They never followed me off busses. Nor demanded I smile, nor catcalled me or slipped roofies in my drink." Exactly. 
• The price of books these days -- including e-books!  (All prices quoted Canadian prices/dollars.)  Hardcovers are now about $40, paperbacks $25. Current or recent e-books seem to start around $15 (minimum) lately, and are often priced at $18-20 or more. I keep a (very long!) wish list, consult it frequently, and snap up copies when they're on sale for for $5 or less. (Annoying thing:  It seems like the bargains have been further and fewer between lately.)  
• Example: I'm dying to read "Prophet Song," but it's not in paperback yet -- the hardcover is $40 and the ebook is not that much cheaper at $32 (!). (For an EBOOK!!) Seems kind of ridiculous.
• Example:  "The Postcard" by Anne Berest has been on my wishlist since it was published. Hardcover, $40. The ebook is $31. (!) The paperback just came out -- $29. (I caved and bought a copy -- I get a 10% discount with my Plum points card. But I still think it's ridiculous.
• Example: Barbra Streisand's memoir -- which, admittedly, has a pretty hefty page count -- is $63 (!!) for the hardcover!!  The e-version is $22 (which does seem more reasonable by comparison, albeit still slightly ridiculous for an ebook, I think...!). (No paperback yet.)  
• (Yes, I know the library exists...!  ;)  ) 

Small pleasures: 

• Our new vertical blinds! :)  (Why didn't we do this years sooner??)(The pandemic, for one thing...)
• Milder weather, finally!! (although not always sunny skies...).  
• Italian pastries with my tea for the last few days -- takeaway goodies from dh's uncle's 90th birthday party this past weekend. 
• Getting dressed up and putting on makeup (for the party -- I wouldn't want to do it every day anymore, but once in a while, it's kind of fun...!). 
• Putting on a pair of pants I hadn't worn in a while, and having them still fit!  ;)  
• Having a good hair day, too!  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Odds & ends

• A reminder that this Sunday is International Bereaved Mothers Day. (It's always the Sunday before that "other" day in May!) I never really do anything to mark the occasion, but it's nice to think that there's an "official" day just for us. :)  (I wrote a little more about Bereaved Mothers Day and how it began here, last year.) 
• There's an promotional ad for a TV show on CTV here in Canada (and possible other markets elsewhere?) called "Sullivan's Crossing." (Filmed in Nova Scotia, with a Canadian cast.)  The ad has been  running CONSTANTLY -- and it's driving me nuts, primarily because it includes a shot of a young woman with a voiceover chirping, "I'm gonna be a MOM!"  Just the reminder I don't need! especially with You-Know-What Day fast approaching.... :p  
• Lisa Kissane (who created Instagram's Nomo Book Club, now run by Rosalyn Scott), has started a Substack about her experiences as a childless step-grandmother. Check it out at "The Childless (Step) Nanna)." 
• From Sue Fagalde Lick at Childless by Marriage:  "Four simple words that can end a conversation."  (Been there, done that, got the T-shirt...) 
• From Ali Hall on Medium:  "Adult-Only Spaces Are Not an Attack on Children." Sample quote:  "It may seem paradoxical, but we can like children and not always want to be around them." 
• I also appreciated the inclusion of this passage:  "Sometimes, those propping up the bar in adult-only pubs desperately want children and are seeking a safe space to drown their sorrows after yet another failed IVF cycle, and in their grief, they can’t bear to be around children because it hurts too much." 
• Pronatalism alert from the Washington Post:  "Blake Masters disparages his House opponent for not having kids."  (Gift link.) Masters is (just guess...!!) an Arizona Republican running for the U.S. House of Representatives.  I am SO tired of politicians who use their families (versus their opponents' lack of children, for whatever reason) as political fodder! 
• The Washington Post recently took a look "Inside the opaque world of IVF, where errors are rarely made public."  (Gift link.)  
• Sample quote:  “The vast, vast supermajority of mistakes in fertility clinics, the public doesn’t even know about,” said Adam B. Wolf, a prominent attorney for fertility plaintiffs...
• Another passage:  

All of Monica Coakley’s 18 eggs were in cryopreservation Tank 4 at Pacific Fertility Center when it crumpled like an empty soda can, devastating nearly 500 people’s hopes of having children. She was 42, did not have a partner and was not ready to get pregnant, but freezing her reproductive material had given her assurance that she had time.

And suddenly that was gone. She tried to have more eggs retrieved, but the procedure did not work. She said she accepted settlements from the San Francisco clinic and Chart Inc., the tank manufacturer, and is prohibited from disclosing the terms.

“It makes me sick, still,” Coakley, now 47, said in an interview. “I look at this money now that’s in my account and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I wake up most mornings and still go, ‘I can’t believe I don’t have kids.’”

• I was amused/bemused to note, near the end, this sentence:  "They had the best two implanted, or “transferred” to Laura, in the parlance of fertility care... "  Close, but no cigar, right?  (lol)  The (mis)use of "implant' versus "transfer" (which is the correct terminology in this instance) has long been a pet peeve here in the ALI blogworld...!  
• From Today: "IVF ruined my life. What I learned from years of failed fertility treatments." Excerpt:  

IVF is an incredible gift. The science behind it is astonishing — and yet, it’s not enough. Three years, five egg retrievals, 10 embryo transfers, 19 embryos, $165,000 and over 80 pounds of weight gained — and I have nothing to show for it. It’s not the doctor’s fault, nor is it my fault. Objectively, I can recognize that. But as I look back on who I used to be three years ago, the confident, happy, hopeful young woman who dreamed of raising a family of her own, I can’t help but think that despite its magnificence, IVF ruined my life.

I am a broken shell of the person I used to be. I have nightmares; I have inescapable bouts of depression. I can’t look at an ultrasound image without choking back tears.

I will never be the same again. IVF did that to me. Hope did that to me. I wish there was more transparency around IVF — I wish there was more honesty about what it’s really like. Would I have gone forward with it if I had known how it would destroy me? In truth, I can’t answer that question. I don’t know.

• Vox recently published an article, "The failed promise of egg freezing," an eye-opening look at  the realities and limitations of the procedure, based on more than a decade's worth of statistics and research, since egg freezing became more widely available in 2012. 
• "For many years, the effectiveness of the procedure was a bit of a black box: Not enough people had tried to use their frozen eggs for scientists to pull together reliable data. Now, however, a picture is emerging," the article says. 
• Childlessness gets a passing message not just once but twice, including a quote from Katy Seppi of Childless Collective:  

Some of that feeling [that this will work, despite no guarantees] may stem from a kind of relentless optimism in American culture — or, perhaps, a Protestant work ethic — around the idea of having biological children, the message that if people simply try hard enough and long enough, they will eventually be rewarded with a child. This messaging has led some women to open up in recent years about their unsuccessful infertility treatments, to destigmatize their experiences. “For those of us who close our infertility chapters without a baby, we’re often met with unsolicited advice, reinforcing the narrative that we obviously gave up too early,” one woman, Katy Seppi, told CNN. 

And:   

Greater support for single parents and other family forms beyond the heterosexual two-parent household could also take the pressure off of women to bank eggs in hopes of meeting a male partner. So, too, could a greater social acceptance of the value of a child-free life, especially since more and more people are choosing not to have children. While many people who freeze eggs have a deep and personal desire for children, it’s also the case that women, especially, experience enormous social and even political pressure to reproduce — and reducing that pressure could free some people to pursue other shapes for their lives.