Childless/free Seneca Falls?

Monday night, I watched the first-ever Zoom call organized by the new Alliance of Child-Free Voters (which I mentioned in a previous post) -- and I took lots of notes! 

The 90-minute call was recorded, and will be sent to everyone who registered, along with a poll/survey, relevant links, etc. (still to come). The host said she would also be sending the video to every politician in Washington D.C., as well as the state legislatures (yes!!). If/when I get a public link, I'll share it here.  

A couple of general observations from me:  While the invitation was inclusive to all non-parents, the call was almost entirely from the child-free (by choice) perspective. There were 10 speakers (including the host). All but two (who were parent allies) were from the childfree community. It would have been nice if childless people -- those of us who wanted/expected to have children but didn't, for many different reasons -- got more of a mention than we did. Still, we do share a LOT of the same concerns -- and the fact that we were having a call like this at all was certainly something to be excited about! Near the end of the session, the host called it "the Seneca Falls convention for childfree people," and it had that feeling, that this could be the start of something bigger.  

As the call progressed, I made a note to myself: "consciousness raising."  In the 1960s, feminists held "consciousness raising" sessions (and during the Vietnam war, students held "teach-ins"), where they explored the issues and developed the language around the issues they were trying to articulate.  Such sessions gave attendees information and a vocabulary to express what they were feeling and experiencing. A lot of what was being discussed at this session was not new to me, but then, I've been immersed in all things related to childless/free living for more than 20 years now. I sometimes have to remind myself that not everyone who is childless or childfree is aware of the broader cultural and political aspects of our lives in the same way that I am. 

Indeed, the host of the call, activist Shannon Coulter, began with a confession of sorts. She said she attended a Zoom call for white female Kamala Harris voters, shortly after the "childless cat ladies" comments made by a certain vice-presidential candidate resurfaced in late July. 

"My social media lit up like a Christmas tree, even some high-profile Republican women were mad," she said. And yet -- the topic never came up during the Zoom call she attended, which she found "astonishing." Coulter thought it was an oversight -- until she spoke to a childfree thought leader, who assured her no, it was NOT, and explained pronatalism to her  She realized that, beyond making comments in support of IVF, very few high-profile Democrats have specifically addressed the blatant hate speech being directed at people without children, who generally represent a "third rail" in American politics (and I would suggest, politics in many other countries as well!). Politicians who don't have children generally do not talk about it:  it's just not good for their careers to draw attention to it.  

Once Coulter realized this -- and just how big the group of voters without children is in the U.S. -- she was motivated to start organizing, with a focus that goes beyond just one candidate or a single election cycle.  Coulter, who is LGBTQ+, said she's drawing inspiration from that community in setting an agenda for childless/free voters:  

• Destigmatization: It's simply not acceptable that NO politicians are challenging the narrative and rhetoric against childless & childfree people, beyond support for IVF.  
• Visibility: We need to become part of the conversation.  
• Policy priorities: e.g., people without children often find their time is valued less than parents' -- particularly in the workplace. 

Here are some of my notes about what the other speakers had to say:    

Therese Schecter, filmmaker ("My So-Called Selfish Life"): 

• I've known all my life that I didn't want children. 
• This is not a "lifestyle" -- it's something much more profound. It's about reproductive freedom. Living an authentic life, despite the pressures to conform.  
• People without children are NOT some weird, deviant fringe group.  We are a growing and powerful demographic. We have a stake in the future too.  We pay taxes, And we vote!! 
  
• Pronatalism -- not just a conservative thing.
• "A woman in control of her own life is terrifying." 

Nadita Bajaj, Population Balance: 

• Grew up in India, came to Canada at age 17 with her parents. Home was a liberal haven, unconventional thinkers. Interested in environmental & feminist issues. 
• Confronted with pronatalism in late 20s:  I saw myself as a free thinker, and yet I thought everyone HAD to have children!  Never realized I had a choice, it wasn't inevitable. 
• Patriarchy & pronatalism are connected:  became institutionalized 5000 years ago. The more people/babies, the more power for politicians, businesses, etc.  
• Having children or not is not just a personal choice -- deeply political. 
• No coincidence there's so much pushback against the idea of smaller families/childfree. 
• Fertility can also be controlled the other way (forced sterilization, etc.), depending on the desired result. 

Kerry Graham:  

• Hated to admit to myself (let alone to others) that I didn't want kids  -- seemed like part of being an adult. Now proud to be childfree, but it took some time to get there. 
• Found communities that understand my experience & share my values. They exist, and they get it. 
• Two years ago, health crisis -- had to leave teaching. Felt less deserving to be here, less value than parents: don't have my own, can't care for others' kids. 
• Now 40 and refuse to let anyone make me feel ashamed. 
• "I deserve to be proud of who I am. I deserve to live in peace with who I am, and so do you." 

Dr. Angela Harris, No Bibs Burps Bottles:  

• My call to action:  Vote!  And bring your friends with you! 
• We fought too hard to be here today. We are making great strides, and we should celebrate and be proud, move upwards from here. 
• Words can hurt OR heal. 
• Great to mention support for IVF, but equally important to recognize a different choice. 
• 40-50% unlikely to have children. 
• All women need to unite for the greater good. We don't have to be at odds with each other (some are trying to create a gap between us).  
• BIPOC childfree women matter.  Before you know whether I have kids, you see my skin colour. 
• We (BIPOC) know there have been some dark & ugly periods in this nation's history. 
• Role models:  Oprah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Ava Duvernay. 
• You are great and your voice matters. 

Dr. Jennifer Watling-Neal & Dr. Zachary Neal:  

• We use data sets (from Michigan State University, CDC, Japan, USAID) to study stigmas & stereotypes re: childfree people, leverage the power of data to give childfree people a voice. 
• Exciting to see how many of us there actually are: 
• 10-20% of people in the U.S. are childfree (don't want and don't have children). That number is growing. 
• Other types of non-parents:  3-4% are childless.  
• Stereotypes:  you'll regret your decision.  Data shows that older parents (70+) express MORE regret than older childfree people. No weight to that argument! 
• Who holds these stereotypes?  Men (e.g., Vance), non-college graduates, parents or people who want to be parents in the future. 
• Political views:  Parents are more likely to be conservative/Republican, childfree much more likely to be liberal/Democrat. 
  
• Dobbs decision has led more people to identify as childfree:  20-21% before Dobbs, 26% after.  
• Childfree people feel okay about parents and other childfree people.  
• Parents think childfree people are okay. 
• BUT, parents REALLY love other parents!  Strong in-group favouritism, prefer to interact with other parents = childfree people get left out. 
• Childfree people are less satisfied with the neighbourhoods where they live than parents are. Their needs & preferences often ignored. Focus on "family friendly" neighbourhood events may be driving dissatisfaction. 
•  A lot of data available, tells a powerful story.  We have a lot of potential power.  
• More info available at www.thechildfree.org . 

Kat Calvin, Spread the Vote:  

• Raised by generations of well-educated feminist black women. 
• The world is driven by childfree & single women!  Most of your female heroes are likely childfree and/or single.  NOT unusual or weird! 
• We've been around throughout history:  more people need to understand that. 
• People think change is impossible. It only takes 3% of a population to make significant change. 
• We are in a place of power, we are not victims! 
• Need community and strategy. 

Dr. Amy Diehl & Dr. Leanne Dzubinski:  

Dr.Diehl: 

• Technically, now a parent ally.  Had a child in my late 40s, now 1 year old. 
• BUT, spent the previous 5 decades (most of my life) without children. 
• I would have termed myself ambivalent. Didn't really know if I wanted kids. 
• Have felt & experienced a lot of what you have described:  staying late at the office because no kids, odd person out in large extended family. Expected to do more. 
• Come from large religious community: certainly felt it there. Celebrations for marriage, babies -- nothing for me & my accomplishments. 
• Harvard Business Review article about how maternal bias affects women at work. 

Dr. Dzubinski: 

• Also a parent ally. 
• Leadership issue in faith-based world.  Large number of women without children there.  Noticed a difference between spoken & lived values.  
• Important to me that we respect & support each others' choices and shared humanity. 
• If you're female, you are seen as potential mother. 
• Lingering beliefs that men need to earn, women don't. 
• 4 biases/discrimination in the workplace: 
• Maybe baby: If you're a woman, you MIGHT have a child. 
• Do more:  If you're childless/free, you're expected to do more. 
• Pay less:  You're not supporting a family so you don't need more money. 
• Never quite right:  Parental status leveraged as an excuse for gender bias.  You can't win. Excuses to disguise flat-out gender bias. 

Dr. Diehl:  

• How to address bias & create a more equitable workplace for ALL of us. 
• Quick solutions: 
• Flexibility for all employees:  86% believe parents get precedence. Child-related reasons seen as more valid. But people without children are also caretakers -- and everyone has a life outside of work. 
• Equitable work:  Childfree people get dumped on with extra work. Must build in enough coverage for absences:  temporary/contract workers, overtime pay or stipend. Compensate existing employees for extra workload, release them from other tasks. Also: leaves of absence/sabbaticals for all. 
• Equal pay/pay transparency:  Pay based on qualifications, not parental status. Analyze parental status of employees and correct pay inequities. 
• Encourage men to be caregivers and take parental leave.  They need to be vocal when they need to leave early for child-related reasons and why. 
• We all must be allies -- not a zero-sum game (winners/losers).  
• There are many ways to contribute to society.