26

26 years ago today (!), our daughter (Kathleen Maria/Katie) was stillborn, 26 weeks into my pregnancy. (Monday was 26 years since I went for the fateful ultrasound, where I learned her heart had stopped beating.)  

Dh & I have been talking about this day for a while now, and making plans for our traditional trip to the cemetery today with flowers and other decorations for her niche, etc.  

But last night, I was sitting on the couch,  watching TV and browsing on my laptop -- and suddenly it just HIT me:  "Holy crap, it's TOMORROW!  And it's been 26 YEARS!"  (And: "How can that be??")  

And I went into the other room, where dh was reading, and told him what I was thinking, and I started crying. I told him, "I haven't forgotten!  I KNOW it's tomorrow!" (We've been talking about it since we got back from visiting my parents, more than a week ago.)  

But I remember how in those first few years, I was painfully aware, every single day, as the day drew closer, what I'd been doing on that day, X number of years earlier -- and counting down the days in my mind, and building towards that. (The anticipation has always been far worse than the day itself, for me.)  And part of me is kind of glad that the overwhelming raw grief doesn't take up as much space in my head and my life as it once did.  

In recent years, this day has kind of snuck up on me, in a way I never could have imagined 26 years ago (as it did yesterday). Like I said, it's not that I forget -- it just doesn't preoccupy my every waking thought the way it once did.  

But sometimes it just hits you all over again -- like it did last night -- just how long it's been, and what a big deal it was and still is in our lives, and how different our lives would be today, if she were here. 

*** *** *** 

Happily, for a sad day, it turned out to be a pretty nice day. (For one thing, the heat and humidity from last week has dissipated, and we've had the balcony door wide open for most of the past two days! Glorious!)  We left here mid-morning, picked up some flowers and headed to the cemetery, back near our old community, a 30-40 minute drive away. After spending some time there, we went for lunch at a cafe we used to frequent (they make great chicken Caesar wraps). Then over to our old hangout, the mega-bookstore (same chain as the one here). It's larger with more stock than our local store here -- and it's also been completely renovated and rebranded (from Chapters to Indigo) since our last visit there (at least a year ago, maybe two?).  

Then we went through the drive-through at Dairy Queen (a tradition on/around this date) -- a Skor Blizzard for me, plain cone for dh before heading home.  

While sitting in the parking lot enjoying our ice cream, we spotted a monarch butterfly fluttering nearby. Coincidence?  :)  

Tradition!  ;)