Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post -- an explanation of my anxiety-induced, self-enforced, week-long hiatus from blogging. I missed you! Which seems a little weird to say, because even though I wasn't posting, I was still in touch with many of you -- reading & commenting on other people's blogs (well, at least TRYING to catch up on my Google Reader... & not ever quite succeeding...!).
Even so, I felt... oddly invisible. I found myself clicking forlornly on the "comments" tab of my blog dashboard -- even though I knew I wasn't going to find anything there. I itched for the two-way contact, the feedback, the validation, the knowledge that someone out there was listening to me, was "getting" me. It wasn't a great feeling. I've always said that I blog first & foremost for myself, but hey, let's face it -- if I really just wanted to write for myself, I would have written in a paper journal & hid it in one of my drawers or under my mattress, like I did when I was a teenager.
I also felt like a bit of a hypocrite. Here it was, National Infertility Awareness Week... everyone was out there, posting up a storm (some REALLY great posts out there! -- including a few that have been picked up by Huffington Post)... Jjiraffe had just posted this lovely profile of me & my story... and here I was, hiding out from my own flesh & blood like a criminal on the lam -- when I had done absolutely NOTHING WRONG. (What's wrong with this picture??)
But then, that's what infertility & loss can do to you -- to your self-confidence, to your sense of fairness and proportion and logic, to your relationships with the people who should, theoretically, be closest to you and your greatest source of support. :p
I'm still a little nervous, heading into the next week. The blog post that got posted on Facebook and started this whole mess was one from almost exactly three years ago, about my grandparents. It was written as a tribute to them around their birthdays -- both in early May. Those dates are coming up again. In fact, my wonderful Grandpa would have been 100 years old this week. I would really like to make note of it on FB -- on my own wall, if not on the family group -- but now I am hesistant to do so, in case it reopens the whole can of worms all over again. Of course, someone else may mention it too. (If I suddenly disappear again, you'll know why....)
But I was chomping at the bit to get my blog up and going again. ; ) One week was an awfully long time, from that perspective. Late Thursday night, I said to dh, "I think I'll bring my blog up again tomorrow." "Why wait??" he said. "Don't be silly!" : )
It's good to be back. : )