Saturday, April 28, 2012

Now... where were we? ; )

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post -- an explanation of my anxiety-induced, self-enforced, week-long hiatus from blogging. I missed you!  Which seems a little weird to say, because even though I wasn't posting, I was still in touch with many of you -- reading & commenting on other people's blogs (well, at least TRYING to catch up on my Google Reader... & not ever quite succeeding...!).

Even so, I felt... oddly invisible. I found myself clicking forlornly on the "comments" tab of my blog dashboard -- even though I knew I wasn't going to find anything there. I itched for the two-way contact, the feedback, the validation, the knowledge that someone out there was listening to me, was "getting" me. It wasn't a great feeling. I've always said that I blog first & foremost for myself, but hey, let's face it -- if I really just wanted to write for myself, I would have written in a paper journal & hid it in one of my drawers or under my mattress, like I did when I was a teenager.

I also felt like a bit of a hypocrite. Here it was, National Infertility Awareness Week... everyone was out there, posting up a storm (some REALLY great posts out there! -- including a few that have been picked up by Huffington Post)... Jjiraffe had just posted this lovely profile of me & my story... and here I was, hiding out from my own flesh & blood like a criminal on the lam -- when I had done absolutely NOTHING WRONG.  (What's wrong with this picture??)

But then, that's what infertility & loss can do to you -- to your self-confidence, to your sense of fairness and proportion and logic, to your relationships with the people who should, theoretically, be closest to you and your greatest source of support. :p 

I'm still a little nervous, heading into the next week. The blog post that got posted on Facebook and started this whole mess was one from almost exactly three years ago, about my grandparents. It was written as a tribute to them around their birthdays -- both in early May.  Those dates are coming up again.  In fact, my wonderful Grandpa would have been 100 years old this week. I would really like to make note of it on FB -- on my own wall, if not on the family group -- but now I am hesistant to do so, in case it reopens the whole can of worms all over again. Of course, someone else may mention it too.  (If I suddenly disappear again, you'll know why....)

But I was chomping at the bit to get my blog up and going again. ; ) One week was an awfully long time, from that perspective. Late Thursday night, I said to dh, "I think I'll bring my blog up again tomorrow." "Why wait??" he said. "Don't be silly!" : )

It's good to be back. : )


  1. I am so glad you're back - I too forlornly clicked on your blog just to check there was no new post, even though you'd warned us there wouldn't be.

    It is weird isn't it, this relationship we have with people we've never met (but who I am convinced I will meet one day), people who know some of our most intimate thoughts and feelings. It's been and still is a lifeline to me in many ways - and enables me to go on and live my IRL life happily and confidently.

  2. Welcome back! I think your comment on the side of your blog explains it well to family/friends IRL.

    I get it though, that is the main reason I stopped blogging - too many people IRL knew about it and it was weird. Damn internet!

  3. Sooo glad you are back!!!! I was worried!

  4. There's something to be said for being naked and out there...the fear of being "found out" loses all its power. Glad you're back...

  5. @Pamela -- yes -- and I know you know -- nothing beats the home page of the NY Times for a public "outing"!! ; )

  6. You were missed and I'm glad you're back!

  7. I just started following your blog and poof...the next day you were gone! So glad you are back and I can't wait to read some of your past blogs and look forward to your future ones.

    Welcome Back!!

  8. I am so glad you are back. I just started reading your blog and were gone the next day.

    Glad you are back and I am really looking forward to following along on your journey.