I decided, on the spur of the moment, that today would be the day. Here are some of the things I noticed from the time I got up at 5 until I posted this:
- Around 6 a.m., while eating breakfast & listening to the radio: Annoying ad for local French schools, beginning with a little boy singing "Frere Jacques" and piping up at the end, "Daddy, I'll teach you my song!" (There may have been more such ads -- there often are -- but I hadn't decided yet that today would be the day, so I didn't take note, lol.)
- Driving past the local high school, with a reminder still on the sign outside about exams.
- Listening in the car to a morning show radio hosts' chatter about kids & school.
- News headline, in the sports section of all places: I don't think the print version was exactly the same, but you'll get the idea from the online header: "Canadian hurdler Priscilla Lopes Schliep ready to roll after pregnant pause." (She had a baby five months ago but is back training for London this summer.)
- Article towards the back of the front section about a breastfeed-in at local Facebook headquarters, protesting their removal of photos of mothers breastfeeding babies.
- Other child-related topics in the paper, mostly in the "Life" section.
- Walk past a toy store in the concourse en route to work.
- Posters in the concourse of our office tower for a new ad campaign, based on various (not necessarily monetary) definitions of "ri.ch.ness." The first ad featured (what else??) a closeup photo of a sleeping newborn baby. (Two others on display feature various family groupings.) "The mo.me.nt when ev.er.yth.ing ch.an.ges," the tagline reads. Um, yeah, right. Want to hear about MY life-changing moment?
- 9:15ish: Team meeting (not mine) in the senior manager's cubicle opposite mine -- which begins (of course) with the daily update on her new granddaughter, how breastfeeding is going, etc. Followed by numerous calls throughout the day to & from the new mom, as well as friends & relatives seeking status updates. All within easy earshot.
- Mid-morning coffee break: two pregnant women in the lineup at Tim's (one behind the other), and another working behind the counter.
- Lunchtime: I go for a 20-minute stroll before picking up some food to take back to my desk... 20 minutes in which I take note of five conspicuously pregnant women. And pass by a hockey display downstairs, with a poster illustrated by a drawing of a peewee hockey player.
- Afternoon coffee break: no pregnant women spotted, but passed by the magazine stand, where the covers of People, US & the like each contain at least one reference to pregnancy, babies or celebrity offspring.
- Two more pregnant women spotted on the late afternoon walk to the train station.
- Commuter train en route home, and walking to the car when we reach out stop: overhearing snatches of conversations between moms, talking about their kids.
And this is 14 years out from my pregnancy. It would have hurt a heck of a lot more in those early days, post-stillbirth, during & post-IF treatment.
But I still can't help but notice now, sometimes.
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Since this is a post all about the daily reminders of what I don't have in my life, "How you remind me" popped into my head when I was trying to think of a title. Now don't laugh -- I'm not a big Nickelback fan (some of their stuff is pretty misogynistic) -- but some of their stuff is pretty catchy, and I do like this song (although I got kind of tired of it when it first came out & was hugely overplayed).
Just for fun I looked up the lyrics -- & while I very much doubt these guys have ever thought about infertility (!) & not all the lyrics apply, here are a few excerpts:
This is how you remind me of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
these five words in my head scream
are we having fun yet?"
yet, yet, yet, no, no...
"This is how you remind me of who I really am... I was waiting on a different story."
What I am is a childless woman in a world that worships pregnancies, babies, mommyhood and family (the idea if not the reality). And some days, that's a hard thing to be.
Sometimes, yes, we ARE having fun. ; )
Sometimes, it just sucks. :p
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Tomorrow, Feb. 8th, was my LMP date in 1998 -- day one of the cycle that, by some miracle, resulted in our Katie -- my one & only, albeit all too brief, pregnancy. And, as luck would have it, Aunt Flo is due for a visit any day now, too. Maybe that's why I'm in "a mood." :p
Hit it, boys. ; )