Monday, December 3, 2007

Not invited :(

Looks like dh & I will have another weekend of together time coming up, without family obligations. (Which is fine with me, especially at this busy time of year.) We haven't been over to visit FIL & stepMIL in a couple of weeks, and normally would have tried to go on Saturday, but they will be out. At a birthday party. A first birthday party. For dh's cousin's little boy.

We haven't been invited. Apparently BIL & family were not invited either. The explanation stepMIL got from the baby's grandmother (dh's aunt) was that only the cousins with small children were invited, as well as the aunts & uncles. Which effectively means just about everybody on dh's dad's side of the family, except us & BIL (whose sons, our nephews, are 15 & almost 19). Possibly one other cousin falls into this category -- not sure whether they were invited or not.

Both dh & BIL say they could care less. We are not close to this particular cousin at all. He & his wife are both nice people, but they are much younger than dh, by 15-20 years, so he really hasn't had much to do with them growing up (is much closer, both in age & emotionally, to the cousins on his mom's side of the family), & dh feels he has very little in common with them. We basically see them at weddings, funerals and other birthday parties. We really don't need one more social event to attend at this time of year (not to mention one more present to buy -- and in dh's family, it's expected that the present would be fairly substantial), particularly for a baby we have seen exactly once before. (Make that "I" -- dh has never seen him; I saw him at a bridal shower this past spring.)

But still, it irks me that they couldn't extend the invitation to the few people in the family who fell outside the lines they drew for inclusion. It's just another painful reminder that we lack what every other married couple in the family has -- a child.

Which is worse -- having to endure birthday party after boring birthday party for the children of family members & friends (knowing they will never be asked to reciprocate in kind), or knowing that you haven't been invited -- and your childlessness/infertility is the reason why??


  1. Gah. I'm sorry.

    We are one of only two childless couples among D.'s side of the family. Generally we are not invited to bday parties for the cousins' kids -- this was true even before we were married. D.'s family draws circles around immediate families, which makes some sense. But to be excluded specifically because you don't have children -- that sucks.

  2. That sucks, either way. Around here, etiquette says that everyone has to be invited, and such a exlusion would have everyone up in arms (manly's family jumps at any excuse for a throw-down :)).

  3. I know how this feels ... Many of our friends who still live where we moved from (out of state) have stopped announcing their pregnancies and births to us. We heard about most of their firsts, but with each subsequent child we're left out more. Every so often we get an email with a reference to so-and-so's new baby and we're surprised because we didn't even know they were having one. I guess they're doing it because they feel bad for us but it stings like a slap in the face. Obviously, our IF has sifted out our real friends. Family, however, are those we're stuck with. Sorry you've encountered this. I agree with you, it's hard to say which is worse ... having to hear the news/attend another kid centered event or being excluded for something you can't control - infertility.