Monday, June 6, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Parenting transitions

I feel like I haven't been blogging much since the big move, which was six (!!) weeks ago now. I did manage 8 posts in May, which is not unsubstantial -- albeit not all of those posts were ALI-related. Still, 8 posts is 8 posts. ;) 

I have to admit that while never a day goes by that I'm not thinking about infertility, pregnancy loss and/or involuntary childlessness in some way or another, it has not been dominating my thoughts and emotions lately in the way that it once did. Blog posts haven't been as quick to pop into my head lately.  In part, I suppose it's because I've had plenty of other stuff to occupy my mind these past few months (and how...!! lol). In part, I think it's the regular ebb & flow of blogging inspiration at work.  I also think that enough time has gone by that ALI-related matters have lost a lot of their sting. They're always there, of course -- lurking in the background, sometimes surging into the forefront with unexpected ferocity. But the hurt is not as constant nor as overwhelmingly painful as it was in years past. Progress?

I guess it's also because my identity as a bereaved mother is in transition these days. When I used to think about Katie & what she'd be doing (and what I'd be missing out on, as her mother), I always had a pretty clear picture in my head.  I had yardsticks to measure her progress by:  she'd be in Grade 1, 2, 3 and so on, and I'd look at the kids around me to get an idea of  how big she'd be, what her interests might be, what she'd be studying in school and so on.

She'd be a big girl now, probably as tall as she was ever going to get, almost a full-fledged adult -- graduating from high school in a few weeks, off to university this fall, "legal" (gulp) in some provinces. From here on in, the picture in my head of who my daughter might have been is going to start getting fuzzier, I think. I can imagine what university she'd be at, what she'd major in, what kind of boys she might be dating, what kind of a career she might be interested in -- but I will never KNOW, in the same way that I KNEW she'd (most likely) be in this or that grade and probably reading Harry Potter because three other 12-year-olds I know were too.

The parents around me with kids who would have been Katie's peers are bemoaning their upcoming empty nests. Their kids are growing up & away from them.  My nest has never NOT been empty, but I am facing the same kind of transition in my relationship with my daughter too.  She would have been getting older, growing up and away from me (as it should have been).

And I AM getting older.

My high school friends and cousins are becoming grandparents. I'm already retired (early & not by choice), and more of them are starting to join me. My home life has been in transition for months, with the move to a condo, old furniture being sent to the thrift store and new furniture being delivered to take its place. My body is in transition too, with menopause seemingly just around the corner (finally!! -- why couldn't I go through it at 50, like everyone else??!).

It's sort of weird to have so many things in flux at the same time, but I guess that's life for you -- always throwing you curveballs, always changing.

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here 


  1. Based on what you described, I agree that you're also in a transition. Selling your house and moving to the condo is just one part of that. But you're also transitioning into a new chapter. Many mark it with becoming empty nesters, but I think there's more underlying it.

    Regardless, what you are experiencing sounds like it would be scary. To have images of Katie go a bit fuzzy. That can also be traumatic and bring up feelings of guilt. I'm thinking of you as you explore this.

    May settling into your new home continue to be smooth.

  2. Yes, you're right, just when we think life might settle down, we get a curveball (or fall down the stairs). I think understanding that has made it a lot easier for me to cope with things. And I guess, infertility/no kids taught me that.

    I'm sorry you're going through this transition with your relationship with Katie. I realise - as I read your thoughts on it - it is inevitable, but it's not something we would normally anticipate. Like Cristy, I can also imagine that there will be complex emotions and even guilt (guilt is hard to get rid of!) It's another loss, or transition. Maybe, in due course, it might be one that will leave you feeling a little freer?

    One thing that will definitely leave you feeling more liberated is the absence of AF. Let's hope she's finally going, going quickly, and going without any fuss.

  3. I know it's hard, particularly with Katie always in your heart. This is what you carry, as tenuous as that may be at times. But you have made these changes and I know you always seek to find joy in the life that you have. You've done well, you know and you need to give yourself credit for that.

    1. Awww, thank you, Deathstar. :) I needed to hear that today. :)

  4. Oh! This post nestled itself right into my heart. It feels not like a release, but more of an unfurling. If that makes sense. You're still holding the Katie close to you while that idea of who she might have been walks into the world.

  5. Like you, I can't seem to get into a regular groove on blogging ... but I'm very glad you're still at it! Value your voice in a big, big way!

  6. But when you do post, it's always brilliant, Pamela! :) Very glad you're still at it too!

  7. But when you do post, it's always brilliant, Pamela! :) Very glad you're still at it too!