So why aren't there more of us? (part 2)

There was an interesting recent conversation on social media (mostly Twitter but also Instagram), between Katy at Chasing Creation, Erik & Melissa at the podcast LiveChildfree, and others, on the question of why so few people openly embrace a non-parent identity, especially those who initially wanted children.

It started when Erik & Melissa posted a new podcast episode pondering this topic, and asked the same question on Instagram (also on IG here).

Then Katy asked, on Twitter,

@LiveChildfree mentioned on a podcast I recently listened to that they were surprised at how many people reach out to them but are only sharing privately. Do you guys have thoughts on this?

This is a subject that those of us who have been around this community for a while have pondered in the past.  I knew I had written something on this topic here before ;)  so I dug through my blog archives & found it  :)  -- "So why aren't there more of us?"  (from January 2012)

The stats show that we are NOT an insignificant part of the population. In January 2014, Jody Day at Gateway Women reassured us: "You’re Not the Odd One Out." [emphasis mine]

Although when you look around you in the street, amongst your friends and family or in the media you may sometimes feel like the only woman who isn’t a mother, the surprising fact is that 1:5 UK and US women born in the 1960s reached 45 without having had children. And, as the first of those born in the 1970s turn 45 in 2015, we’ll begin to see if the statistic rises to 1:4 as it already is in Italy, Switzerland and Finland. My hunch is it will, but the data’s a few years off yet.

The last time the rate of childlessness was this high in the population was for women born around 1900. Research has shown that this was due to two factors: the large number of women who remained unmarried due to the loss of so many men in the First World War, and the effect of the Great Depression of the 1930s on both fertility and finances. Rather shockingly these were known as the ‘surplus women’. 

The fact that it took the most devastating war this world has seen in terms of loss of life, coupled with the Great Depression, to suppress birth rates to this same extent before shows that we are indeed living through a period of massive social change. It really isn’t ‘just us’.

Despite these large and growing numbers, however, the percentage of childless/free women (and men!) who are openly embracing a childless/free identity, online & elsewhere, is still, curiously, very small.

Why?

While I think most of the points I made in my original post are still valid (please read them over there!), there are a couple more thoughts that have come to me that I wanted to throw out.

We still live in a hugely pronatalist society that is only just beginning to become dimly aware of us as a large and growing group with legitimate concerns, needs and interests apart from those of parents. The glorification of pregnancy and parenthood, the assumption of parenthood as "the norm," is something many of us without children are only too aware of -- but when you're a parent, it's something you tend to take for granted and don't question. Creating awareness, changing the culture, changing firmly entrenched, long-held attitudes toward childless/free people (let alone policies and practices that affect them) is a lonnnnngggggg sllllllooooowwww and often painful process (as activists from visible minority groups, LGBTQ communities, and the feminist movement at large will tell us...!).

And it's not just parents who have a blind spot on these matters. Many people without children, even if they're struggling with painful feelings, are only dimly aware that they're part of a large and growing group, and that they have a right to be sad -- and, yes, even angry sometimes! -- about the way their lives and concerns are minimized and ignored by others around them. It's not surprising. After all, when you're going through infertility treatment, the focus is on getting a child. Nobody wants to talk about the possibility that this isn't going to work. You hear very little -- from the clinic, from other infertiles, from your family & friends, from the culture around you -- that suggests a life without children could be an acceptable (even positive) outcome. (There's no money in that for the clinic, of course...!)

Over time, there HAS definitely been progress in changing the culture and encouraging the childless/free to speak up -- and there will continue to be more. When I think about the resources that were available to me back in 2001, when we closed the door on infertility treatment, versus what's out there right now, there is just no question that things have improved.  Maybe not enough! ;)  -- but there HAS been SOME progress.

I believe our numbers will continue to grow, and attitudes will continue to change. One reason why I believe this:  On LiveChildfree's IG post, Sistergoldenhair924 made an interesting observation:

When we were growing up people like us were just kind of pitied and no one talked about it! Now, women and couples openly tell the world that they are infertile and use social media as a tool for support and advice, as well as education. So I think a result of that is that women have become more comfortable being open about ending their quest for a baby since we have been sharing everything else. 

I think she is absolutely right.  I do think we are STILL pitied and not talked about/ignored, lol.  But I think she's nailed it here, about how social media is making it easier (a) for CNBCers (and childfree-by-choice-ers, for that matter) to find & support each other & (b) to speak out more openly about these subjects to others outside of ALI circles, if they choose to do so.

For some of us (like me), this is (still) difficult to do.  I'm not as worried as I used to be about family members and friends stumbling onto this blog (as one did a few years ago)... but I'm not gonna hand out the address either, lol.  I think it's partly a generational thing. I am 58;  I've noticed that some of the younger emerging CNBC bloggers & social media activists are in their 30s & early 40s -- i.e., I AM OLD ENOUGH (or almost old enough) TO BE THEIR MOTHER (eeeekkkkkk).  I was 35 when I got my first personal computer & went online for the first time. I was 37 when my daughter was stillborn, 40 when we stopped treatment, 46 when I started blogging, 48 when I joined Facebook, and 55 when I got my first smartphone and joined Instagram & Twitter.

Younger people have grown up immersed in this stuff. They are used to sharing their lives openly on social media and have little/no hesitation about doing so when it comes to infertility too. (Certainly less of it than my peers & I did, and perhaps still do.)  And while I have difficulty sharing my story (outside of the adoption/loss/infertility community), I am glad others don't. :)  I think it's a good thing overall. :)

I also think that, even in this age of social media & greater sharing of our personal lives, some people are (still) simply unaware of what's available out there -- or even just that there IS support available online. In the comments on my original 2012 post, Jamie commented:

To be honest, it surprises me when I come across someone who ~isn't~ a blog reader. I have a co-worker friend who had been going through the IF journey and asked me if I had ever heard of a HCG "trigger" shot. I was like, "Seriously? Do you just not have internet access at home?" 

Shocking as it seems in this day and age but I wonder if there aren't women out there who don't know where to go for support. Because, you know, it's a topic that is still taboo to talk about. Along with IF, loss, etc.

I had a similar experience(s)/reaction during the 10 years we led our pregnancy loss support group.  Many (not all, but a good number) of our clients were also dealing with infertility issues, and I was shocked at how ill-informed some (not all, certainly, but definitely some) of them were on these matters. Granted, this was 10-20 years ago, and the online world has evolved significantly since then -- but there was still good information & support out there for those who chose to look for it and ask questions. My own approach, whenever I'm dealing with an issue that's affecting my life in a major way, is to research the hell out of it.  ;)  I sometimes forget that not everybody is like me and does this. :)

What are your thoughts? If you've written a post about this, now or in the past, I would love to read it -- please share a link here!