Back before Christmas, I suggested to Berenice, one of the co-hosts of the Full Stop podcast, that this might be a topic they could explore. I also added that they did not necessarily have to interview ME! They ignored that caveat (lol), and an invitation from co-host Sarah to appear on the podcast to discuss this subject popped into my email inbox -- on my birthday, no less!
I accepted.
It's an odd truth that while those of us in this situation are silenced by parents (even sometimes those who have also experienced loss while building their families) and the people around us generally, who shrink away from our stories (and the very idea that not everyone who wants a baby will wind up without one, even after being pregnant -- sometimes multiple times), our stories are also often met with silence by childless people too. Many childless people never had the opportunity to try for a pregnancy (medical issues, lack of a partner -- or a willing partner, etc.) -- or were unable to conceive at all.
Admittedly, that silence is sometimes (often?) self-imposed. Many CNBCers find it painful to deal with pregnancy and pregnant women -- perhaps even more so when pregnancy/loss is not part of their own personal stories. We all know what it's like to be childless and to have to listen to other women's pregnancy stories. They're hard to listen to -- and THOSE are the stories that usually have a happy ending!
Ours don't.
I used to tell my loss story -- the Reader's Digest Condensed Version, anyway -- at least twice a month in my role as a pregnancy loss support group facilitator -- but we stepped down from facilitating 15 (!) years ago now -- so let's just say it's been a while since I spoke those words aloud! I was a little out of practice ;) -- and nervous! (I found myself tensing up and shaking as I spoke -- and again later when I watched the video replay!) -- but nevertheless decided it was worth the stress and the risk to shine some light on this dark corner of the CNBC community.
Ironically/Sadly, Berenice experienced a wifi outage the morning we were recording the podcast (!), a few weekends ago, and was unable to participate (although she did send in a question she wanted to ask us). But I had a lovely, emotional conversation with co-hosts Sarah and Michael, as well as Sandra McNicol, a grief therapist & coach at Childless Life. All of us had experienced at least one loss at some stage of pregnancy.
(Of course I thought of a gazillion things I *should* have mentioned, after we'd all logged off...! Perhaps another time??)
The episode (#71) is now available for listening on most podcast platforms, or on the Full Stop website. If you listen, please let me/us know what you think!
(Note: You'll notice that the hosts were kind enough to respect my wish to remain (semi) anonymous, and have only used the name "Lori" on the podcast and related social media posts. Most of the people around me in "real life" (still) don't know about this blog or the extent of my activities within the ALI/CNBC communities -- and I'd like to keep it that way, if possible (or for as long as possible, anyway!). If you do know me personally, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tag me in any social media posts about the podcast. Thanks!)
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This was not my first podcast/webinar appearance:
Back in September, as part of World Childless Week, Michael and I chatted together for a webinar about childlessness and genealogy -- "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" (which I wrote about here and here and here -- link to the recording of that webinar are included in the comments on both posts). I described that then as "a big step outside my comfort zone." This was certainly another one!
Back in July 2018, I was part of a discussion organized by Jody Day about “IVF at 40,” featuring seven fabulous childless-not-by-choice bloggers. The video was shared on all of our platforms, including my blog here. It’s also available on Vimeo.
I also appeared on The Bitter Infertiles podcast (episode 20) way back in 2013 (!!) with Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, and wrote about that experience here.
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