I was by myself, walking along a desolate country road, somewhere between the border town where I was born, close to where my paternal grandparents had a farm, and my maternal grandparents' home, 20 miles away in NW Minnesota. (The border did not seem to be an issue here, lol.)
I wanted to go to my grandparents' house in Minnesota, and I thought I'd walk there (20 miles -- with my bum knee -- yeah, right...!!). But then I remembered -- the house is gone, and there's no one left there. (Just one of my second cousins, and a childhood friend from the neighbourhood.)
So I turned and started walking in the direction of my other grandparents' farm, a few miles outside of town... but the road petered out into big snowdrifts, and I realized it hadn't been plowed -- and then I also remembered that there was no one left at the farm anymore either (hasn't been in almost 40 years...!).
So I turned again and started trudging back into town -- although there's really no one there I could ask for help either. I thought that maybe I could get a room at the motel there, and then a ride into the city the next day -- or start walking there in the morning (60 miles...?!).
But then I realized that although my sister and a few cousins live in or near the city, I couldn't rely on them to take me in either, certainly not long term. And I'm not sure I really belong in that city anymore either (if I ever did).
When I woke up, I realized that I've been struggling with these themes & questions my entire life. Where is home? Where do I belong? (DO I belong anywhere??) Do I matter to anyone (besides dh and my parents -- who aren't going to be around forever...)? Who will be there for me if/when I need help (especially in my later years)?
I've had similar dreams before, but for some reason, this one really bothered me and has stuck with me since then.
I think a lot of childless-not-by-choice women struggle with these questions.
You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.
Oh, that's a disconcerting dream. And the questions... I can relate. I actually have a post in drafts titled "Who Will Be There For Us?" because those questions lay heavily lately with aging parents and recent deaths/hospice situations.
ReplyDeleteI have very vivid, very detailed dreams. It's actually really difficult for me to deal with sometimes. This dream of yours definitely made me go "OOF." I can relate to the dream, and I can relate to the questions. Abiding with you...
ReplyDeleteOoh, I agree with Jess. Very disconcerting. And yes, a lot of CNBC women struggle with this. I can also relate as I contemplate "who will be there for me?" I live in a town with no relatives anywhere near, though with a few good friends. Food for thought!
ReplyDeleteMaybe your walk a few weeks ago added to that feeling. I think childless women think about this more than ones with children. I have this feeling now since both my parents are gone now. I fear being lonely and needing help if my husband goes before I do. I know how I helped my mom after my dad died.
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