A few bits & pieces from the past few weeks that had me thinking, "I should write about that...":
*** *** ***
Formerly pg coworker, now on mat leave, brought her baby (born mid-September) in to the office to meet everyone, a few weeks before Christmas. Lots of oohing & ahhing, of course. I actually found myself wanting to see this baby (& I was fine, so long as I didn't think about it too much as it was happening), & so hung around until she arrived.
She was very cute (of course). I got to hold her for awhile, bouncing back & forth from one leg to another while patting the baby on the rump, & she curled up against me & fell asleep. : ) It was actually kind of nice to be holding a baby amid a group of people, all but one of whom had no clue about my reproductive history -- I could enjoy the baby without feeling overly self-conscious, wondering what they were thinking about, seeing me with a baby (are they feeling sorry for me? are they wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant again? do they think I'm a psycho stillbirth mother who's going to take off with her??)(!!).
When I handed her over to another coworker (not wanting to hog her completely), she opened one eye & glared, lol -- I guess she was feeling pretty comfortable with me. And that made me feel good. : )
*** *** ***
At a divisionwide holiday event just prior to Christmas, I ran into a woman I've known almost as long as I've been with the company, but hadn't seen in almost 10 years, since she changed jobs & moved to another location in another part of the city. I used to attend an annual dinner that she was in charge of organizing, & since she lives in the same suburb as me (same subdivision, in fact!), we often used to travel home from it together.
The last time I saw her was on Mother's Day, a year or so post-stillbirth. Dh & I decided to escape the hoopla by going to an afternoon matinee, & she, her husband & two then-teenaged daughters sat in front of us.
I asked her about her daughters &, after telling me what they were doing, there was a pause & then she said, "So, any kids?" (I guess I asked for it by bringing up the subject, didn't I?) "No," I said, with a smile frozen on my face. "No?" she said, looking slightly puzzled. (I wondered whether she'd heard I was pregnant & had a vague memory of it.) "No," I said, and in the extremely awkward pause that followed, I added helpfully, "It's a part of my life that just didn't work out as planned."
Mercifully, that changed the subject, we soon moved on to talk to other people and, as it was a very busy day for me, I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. I haven't had an encounter like that for quite some time, though, & I'd forgotten how damned awkward it can be. Funny, though, I think she was more traumatized by it than I was.
*** *** ***
I mentioned in a recent post that we went to see my parents' neighbours' grandson over the holidays. Afterwards, I had a weird dream about breastfeeding a baby boy. I'm presuming he was mine (!). I don't recall much about the dream, just that I was breastfeeding & the baby took to it like a duck to water, much to my relief.
*** *** ***
Pamela Jeanne recently wrote a great post about holiday photo cards. I don't entirely mind them -- although, as I said in my comment to her, it would be nice to receive one of the entire family now & then -- I have friends that I haven't "seen" in 20 years!! Of course, most of the photos we get these days aren't of babies any more, which makes it slightly easier. In fact, the annual onslaught of photo cards & holiday letters reminded me that four of my oldest friends from growing up (grade school & high school) now have kids in university. Gulp.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Year's resolutions
Everyone asks whether I've made my list of NY resolutions yet. I always say that I don't have to make a list, because I've made the same ones for so many years now, I don't need to write them down. But for what it's worth, here they are (again...!):
My vacation (which began Dec. 19th) is drawing to an end (bah, humbug...). Back to work on Monday!
- Lose weight. (sigh)
- Exercise more. (And hopefully lose more weight...!)
- Write more in my journal. (However, I think blogging & message boards have superceded my paper journal...)
- Read more of the books that have piled up around the house.
- Tackle some of the clutter that never seems to go away.
- Get our passports, & get travelling!!
- Finally do something with the spare bedroom that was to have been the nursery (get new furniture & linens to replace the old castoffs).
- Set aside the nephews' scrapbooks for awhile, & start a scrapbook for dh & me (that will hopefully be finished in time for our 25th anniversary in 2010). And maybe (finally) start Katie's, too.
My vacation (which began Dec. 19th) is drawing to an end (bah, humbug...). Back to work on Monday!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Eve 2008
Dh & I got back from my parents' on Sunday night (that is, MIDNIGHT -- our flight was 1.5 hours late & the luggage took half an hour to arrive... ARGH...). The week at home that seemed to stretch in front of me with infinite possibilities is now flying by at warp speed. Ack... slow down!!!
We had a pretty good time, overall. It was bitterly cold when we first arrived (like, the low -20Cs, with windchill factors in the neighbourhood of -35C), so we barely left the house all week, but that was fine with me, lol. I read the next Barren B*tches Book Brigade selection as well as the new Vicky Bliss mystery by Elizabeth Peters (a favourite author of mine & my sister's since high school) and am currently about halfway through Barack Obama's Dreams From My Father.
My parents' neighbours had their first grandchild (grandson) visiting so my mom, sister & I went over for the obligatory visit. He is seven months old & a very good baby. I held him for awhile & felt a brief pang looking at that downy head & the crinkle in his ears, thinking, "I will never have this for myself." But I managed to keep my emotions in check.
The only time I cracked, briefly, was at Christmas Eve service at my mother's church. The service traditionally ends with the dimming of the lights, the lighting of candles held by the congregants, and the singing of "Silent Night." I thought of my Katie, of my grandparents, dead these 10 years, and of all my real-life and cyberspace friends who have struggled (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) to bring their own babies into this world, and I had to stop singing and hand my candle to dh while I fumbled in my pocket for some Kleenex.
I feel a certain relief in letting 2008 go. It wasn't a bad year by any means, but getting past that 10-year mark was an enormous burden off my shoulders in some ways. The anniversary cycles will continue to come & go, of course, but they won't be vested with that special weight that a year ending in 5 or 0 seems to bring.
Some of the things that made 2008 difficult:
Whatever 2008 was like for you, I hope 2009 only gets better!
We had a pretty good time, overall. It was bitterly cold when we first arrived (like, the low -20Cs, with windchill factors in the neighbourhood of -35C), so we barely left the house all week, but that was fine with me, lol. I read the next Barren B*tches Book Brigade selection as well as the new Vicky Bliss mystery by Elizabeth Peters (a favourite author of mine & my sister's since high school) and am currently about halfway through Barack Obama's Dreams From My Father.
My parents' neighbours had their first grandchild (grandson) visiting so my mom, sister & I went over for the obligatory visit. He is seven months old & a very good baby. I held him for awhile & felt a brief pang looking at that downy head & the crinkle in his ears, thinking, "I will never have this for myself." But I managed to keep my emotions in check.
The only time I cracked, briefly, was at Christmas Eve service at my mother's church. The service traditionally ends with the dimming of the lights, the lighting of candles held by the congregants, and the singing of "Silent Night." I thought of my Katie, of my grandparents, dead these 10 years, and of all my real-life and cyberspace friends who have struggled (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) to bring their own babies into this world, and I had to stop singing and hand my candle to dh while I fumbled in my pocket for some Kleenex.
I feel a certain relief in letting 2008 go. It wasn't a bad year by any means, but getting past that 10-year mark was an enormous burden off my shoulders in some ways. The anniversary cycles will continue to come & go, of course, but they won't be vested with that special weight that a year ending in 5 or 0 seems to bring.
Some of the things that made 2008 difficult:
- reaching the big 10 year mark since my roller-coaster pregnancy & the stillbirth of Katie (& the death of my beloved grandfather).
- the closing of the first Childless Living board I joined, which helped me so much in those early days after stopping treatment.
- surviving several pregnancies around me, including my co-worker's, as well as unexpected pregnancies from the (40-something) wives of dh's cousin & stepbrother.
- another year of getting older, & various health-related concerns (most of them, however, thankfully, not serious).
- not enough vacation time (or so it seemed...!).
- the big stock market crash & all the economic uncertainty.
- a Canadian federal election that looks like it may be repeated early in the new year.
- constantly feeling disorganized & that there's never enough time to do everything that I need & want to do (how do mothers of small children do it??!).
- one full year of blogging, & all the new friends I've made.
- finishing two more scrapbooks for my nephews.
- meeting a new cousin, who's just as crazy about genealogy as I am.
- (finally) getting to see & touch my great-great-grandmother's letters, & donating them to the county museum.
- spending a weekend with our friends in their new home in September (note to self: must schedule more weekend getaways more often in 2009...)
- spending a week with my Mom in October & seeing "Jersey Boys."
- following the U.S. election (far more exciting than ours!), & staying up late to watch the historic results on election night.
Whatever 2008 was like for you, I hope 2009 only gets better!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A horror movie (in more ways than one...)
Has anybody else seen the trailer for this upcoming horror (in more ways than one) movie (which is currently being played ad nauseum on the Comedy Network my husband constantly watches)?? (And why do they show so many horror movie ads on the COMEDY channel anyway??)
(I'm not going to link to the trailer here, although it's easily found via Google.)
Is anybody else as utterly repulsed as I am?
Cripes, no wonder people find the whole topic of pregnancy loss so scary, with GARBAGE like this stirring the pot. :(
My beautiful stillborn daughter deserves better than this.
(I'm not going to link to the trailer here, although it's easily found via Google.)
Is anybody else as utterly repulsed as I am?
Cripes, no wonder people find the whole topic of pregnancy loss so scary, with GARBAGE like this stirring the pot. :(
My beautiful stillborn daughter deserves better than this.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
"Dear Sweetheart"
Saturday morning, getting ready to head to the airport, I came down for breakfast & dh had The Globe & Mail sitting on the kitchen table.
I saw the banner on the front page -- the photo of a yellowed telegram -- & whimpered a soft, "Oh nooooo."
Over the past few months, the Globe has been running a series called, "Dear Sweetheart: Letters home from a soldier" -- a wonderful collection of letters home during the Second World War, written by a Toronto soldier named David K. Hazzard to his wife, Audrey, & two daughters, Anne & Karen. Every letter began "Dear Sweetheart;" every one ended, "P.S. I love you." David wrote vivid descriptions of training camp, life in England, and then being sent to France as part of the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
Saturday's story was the end. David was killed shortly after he arrived in France on July 5, 1944.
I don't know why I -- who should know better than anyone that stories don't always have a happy ending -- was so shocked. Somehow, I just assumed he made it back home & lived to a ripe old age.
Along with his final letter, there was a feature story, an epilogue, with photos, about what happened to David's family, titled, "'He never left my mother. Ever. Ever.'" Audrey lived to be 90 & died in 2004. Anne & Karen, now in their 70s, recently made the trip to France to scatter some of their mother's ashes on their father's grave, with a Globe photographer present. As far as they can recall, she only went on two dates after their father's death, and only many years later. "She said, ‘If you have found the best, why bother?” Karen remembers."
It's a sad, but wonderful story. Go read it.
I saw the banner on the front page -- the photo of a yellowed telegram -- & whimpered a soft, "Oh nooooo."
Over the past few months, the Globe has been running a series called, "Dear Sweetheart: Letters home from a soldier" -- a wonderful collection of letters home during the Second World War, written by a Toronto soldier named David K. Hazzard to his wife, Audrey, & two daughters, Anne & Karen. Every letter began "Dear Sweetheart;" every one ended, "P.S. I love you." David wrote vivid descriptions of training camp, life in England, and then being sent to France as part of the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
Saturday's story was the end. David was killed shortly after he arrived in France on July 5, 1944.
I don't know why I -- who should know better than anyone that stories don't always have a happy ending -- was so shocked. Somehow, I just assumed he made it back home & lived to a ripe old age.
Along with his final letter, there was a feature story, an epilogue, with photos, about what happened to David's family, titled, "'He never left my mother. Ever. Ever.'" Audrey lived to be 90 & died in 2004. Anne & Karen, now in their 70s, recently made the trip to France to scatter some of their mother's ashes on their father's grave, with a Globe photographer present. As far as they can recall, she only went on two dates after their father's death, and only many years later. "She said, ‘If you have found the best, why bother?” Karen remembers."
My loss was so very different from Audrey's. But boy, can I can relate. What a perfect description.“She made a good life,” says Anne, on a July afternoon, poring over old pictures with her sister in the basement of her Pickering home.
“It just wasn't the life she wanted,” Karen adds.
It's a sad, but wonderful story. Go read it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Christmas ghosts that haunt me (past, present, future, never)
My mother once said something, when we were talking about trying to get time off for Christmas, that struck me. She didn't say it in these words, but this was the implication, & the meaning I took from what she had to say:
Perhaps a family like mine -- where there are now just the six of us (my parents, me & my sister, her longtime boyfriend/partner & my dh), where I grew up without a large extended family close by to celebrate with, where there are no grandchildren on whom to focus the celebration now (and never will be), and the grandparents who used to be with us every single year for Christmas are with us no longer -- perhaps a family like mine needs all hands on deck, even more so than families where there's always an abundance of people underfoot.
Yes, it's great when the whole family can get together, regardless of size. And I know that the day comes for every family when certain key members are not going to be around -- because of work or the kids getting sick or inlaw obligations. Or death. And most families come to terms with that, & accept it.
But when there's only a very small group of people to begin with… and you've managed to spend every Christmas together thus far… I think it hits that much harder when someone isn't able to be there. Especially after a loss, when you know they're not going to be there, ever again. There's just not as big a pool of people around to fall back on for support.
I know that last year, when my sister unexpectedly wasn't able to come home on Christmas Eve for the first time ever, was a bit of a revelation for me. Yes, we don't have any little kids running around at Christmastime -- but we haven't for a very long time. (Even the neighbours' daughter, who still comes over ever year at Christmastime, is now almost 24!). Things have been more or less the same for so very many years, it's easy to sort of lull ourselves & fall back on old roles & traditions. But when someone who's been part of that tradition for so long is no longer there -- my grandparents and, last year, my sister -- it's a real jolt to the system.
Last year, I wrote about one of those revelatory moments, a year or two after my grandparents had gone:
And then what? That's the part I don't like to think about. I dreamed about bringing my children home to my family for Christmas, & passing along our family traditions to them. And it's hurt to watch that dream evaporate.
But it was still just a dream. It never became a reality. I hurt for that unrealized dream. But I still take great pleasure in Christmas as it is right now. When all things are considered, the present is not a bad place to be.
What I love about Christmas present is that it's (still, for now) so firmly rooted in the past -- in who I am, and what my family is about. Christmas has always been the one holiday that was about me and my family's traditions. When I married dh, I left behind my Ukrainian-Canadian/Irish-Swedish-American family and my Prairie roots, and moved to the big city and into his family's welcoming but unfamiliar Italian culture. I told dh then that, since we were living in the same general area as his extended family, they could see us anytime they liked during the year. Christmas has always been important to me & my family, & I wanted to go "home" for Christmas.
He agreed, and that's what we've done for the past 23 years. Our traditions have evolved over the years, of course, and as I said, we've had to adjust, as we moved from town to town & my grandparents grew older & then passed away. But I love the overall continuity of my family's Christmas celebrations, of the rootedness I feel when I'm with them at this time of year. And I dread the erosion, and possible eventual disappearance, of those traditions.
There were big chunks of my Christmas experience that dropped away after we lost Katie & my grandparents died. We adjusted -- but I dread the adjustments that I know will come in the years further down the road. What will I/we do when my parents are no longer here, & it comes down to just me & dh, & my sister & her partner? Will we still try to spend the holidays together? Will dh & I stay here, & try to wangle an invitation to be part of his brother's family's celebrations? I dread the thought of people (once again) feeling sorry for us, & extending invitations to us out of pity.
On other holidays during the year -- Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. -- dh & I are often at loose ends. My MIL died before I ever met her, & the holidays have not been the same for dh & his brother since then. FIL often winds up spending holidays with stepMIL's extended family, and BIL with SIL's -- leaving dh & me at loose ends. Sometimes, we'll get invitations to join FIL at one of stepMIL's relatives' homes, or to go to BIL's to celebrate with SIL's family. Sometimes we accept, more often than not we don't. They are all very nice people, but they are not OUR family.
Is this the shape of Christmases yet to come?
*** *** ***
For now, I will head home to my family for the holidays with an appreciative heart, & count my blessings while they still abound. This morning started out cr@ppily -- 10 cm (about 4 inches) of snow overnight, which wreaked havoc with the commuter train schedules. Which normally wouldn't be such a bad thing, but we had 8 a.m. dentist appointments, & wound up being half an hour late. My dh HATES to be late (or to be kept waiting himself) for anything, & so was in a lovely mood all the way there.
And then I got into the office -- & saw my family doctor's name on the call display of my phone. I just about had a heart attack. I went for my annual mammogram on Monday, & was told they would call my dr with the results within a week or so (which is par for the course). I figured a call just two days later could only mean one thing -- something was wrong. I started hyperventilating & my fingers were trembling as I dialled into my voice mail… only to hear the receptionist's cheery voice telling me the mammogram was NORMAL. Which is spelled R-E-L-I-E-F, lol.
After that, my morning continued to brighten:
Merry Christmas to all of you out there in blogland. I will be checking in from my parents' house (although I may be fighting for computer time with my sister, her partner & my dh, not to mention my parents!).
Perhaps a family like mine -- where there are now just the six of us (my parents, me & my sister, her longtime boyfriend/partner & my dh), where I grew up without a large extended family close by to celebrate with, where there are no grandchildren on whom to focus the celebration now (and never will be), and the grandparents who used to be with us every single year for Christmas are with us no longer -- perhaps a family like mine needs all hands on deck, even more so than families where there's always an abundance of people underfoot.
Yes, it's great when the whole family can get together, regardless of size. And I know that the day comes for every family when certain key members are not going to be around -- because of work or the kids getting sick or inlaw obligations. Or death. And most families come to terms with that, & accept it.
But when there's only a very small group of people to begin with… and you've managed to spend every Christmas together thus far… I think it hits that much harder when someone isn't able to be there. Especially after a loss, when you know they're not going to be there, ever again. There's just not as big a pool of people around to fall back on for support.
I know that last year, when my sister unexpectedly wasn't able to come home on Christmas Eve for the first time ever, was a bit of a revelation for me. Yes, we don't have any little kids running around at Christmastime -- but we haven't for a very long time. (Even the neighbours' daughter, who still comes over ever year at Christmastime, is now almost 24!). Things have been more or less the same for so very many years, it's easy to sort of lull ourselves & fall back on old roles & traditions. But when someone who's been part of that tradition for so long is no longer there -- my grandparents and, last year, my sister -- it's a real jolt to the system.
Last year, I wrote about one of those revelatory moments, a year or two after my grandparents had gone:
…. we were all sitting down to Christmas dinner, and my father went to get the camera to take a group shot of us seated around the table, as he often had in years past. He stood there looking through the viewfinder and as we all looked back at him, a strange thing happened. He set the camera down without taking the picture, turned and went down the stairs to the basement family room. Everyone looked blankly at each other. My mother got up and followed him down the stairs, and I bowed my head & struggled to hold back the tears. I knew exactly why he had to put down that camera & hide the emotions that had hit him unexpectedly. Instead of growing, our family was actually shrinking -- so many people we loved just weren't there anymore (or, like my daughter, never made it there to begin with) -- and I knew instinctively that he had realized that as he looked through the lens of that camera.My parents, now 67 & 69, are still relatively young… but they are growing older (along with the rest of us). Someday, I know, the dinner table will become smaller still -- until perhaps it's just my sister & me and our respective partners left.
After a few minutes, he came upstairs & took the picture. I love looking at pictures, but this one gives me pain to see. None of us are smiling in it.
And then what? That's the part I don't like to think about. I dreamed about bringing my children home to my family for Christmas, & passing along our family traditions to them. And it's hurt to watch that dream evaporate.
But it was still just a dream. It never became a reality. I hurt for that unrealized dream. But I still take great pleasure in Christmas as it is right now. When all things are considered, the present is not a bad place to be.
What I love about Christmas present is that it's (still, for now) so firmly rooted in the past -- in who I am, and what my family is about. Christmas has always been the one holiday that was about me and my family's traditions. When I married dh, I left behind my Ukrainian-Canadian/Irish-Swedish-American family and my Prairie roots, and moved to the big city and into his family's welcoming but unfamiliar Italian culture. I told dh then that, since we were living in the same general area as his extended family, they could see us anytime they liked during the year. Christmas has always been important to me & my family, & I wanted to go "home" for Christmas.
He agreed, and that's what we've done for the past 23 years. Our traditions have evolved over the years, of course, and as I said, we've had to adjust, as we moved from town to town & my grandparents grew older & then passed away. But I love the overall continuity of my family's Christmas celebrations, of the rootedness I feel when I'm with them at this time of year. And I dread the erosion, and possible eventual disappearance, of those traditions.
There were big chunks of my Christmas experience that dropped away after we lost Katie & my grandparents died. We adjusted -- but I dread the adjustments that I know will come in the years further down the road. What will I/we do when my parents are no longer here, & it comes down to just me & dh, & my sister & her partner? Will we still try to spend the holidays together? Will dh & I stay here, & try to wangle an invitation to be part of his brother's family's celebrations? I dread the thought of people (once again) feeling sorry for us, & extending invitations to us out of pity.
On other holidays during the year -- Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. -- dh & I are often at loose ends. My MIL died before I ever met her, & the holidays have not been the same for dh & his brother since then. FIL often winds up spending holidays with stepMIL's extended family, and BIL with SIL's -- leaving dh & me at loose ends. Sometimes, we'll get invitations to join FIL at one of stepMIL's relatives' homes, or to go to BIL's to celebrate with SIL's family. Sometimes we accept, more often than not we don't. They are all very nice people, but they are not OUR family.
Is this the shape of Christmases yet to come?
*** *** ***
For now, I will head home to my family for the holidays with an appreciative heart, & count my blessings while they still abound. This morning started out cr@ppily -- 10 cm (about 4 inches) of snow overnight, which wreaked havoc with the commuter train schedules. Which normally wouldn't be such a bad thing, but we had 8 a.m. dentist appointments, & wound up being half an hour late. My dh HATES to be late (or to be kept waiting himself) for anything, & so was in a lovely mood all the way there.
And then I got into the office -- & saw my family doctor's name on the call display of my phone. I just about had a heart attack. I went for my annual mammogram on Monday, & was told they would call my dr with the results within a week or so (which is par for the course). I figured a call just two days later could only mean one thing -- something was wrong. I started hyperventilating & my fingers were trembling as I dialled into my voice mail… only to hear the receptionist's cheery voice telling me the mammogram was NORMAL. Which is spelled R-E-L-I-E-F, lol.
After that, my morning continued to brighten:
- Dh apologized for the morning, & has been sucking up to me ever since. : )
- We had coffee together this afternoon, a rare treat during a busy workday (we work in the same office tower & usually commute to & from work together, but rarely see each other during the day).
- Someone sent us a box of Laura Secord chocolates at the office, & I got to eat both the chocolate-covered cherries as well as the maple creams. : )
- The cafeteria was serving its annual holiday turkey dinner today, complete with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatos, gravy, vegetables, buns, cranberry sauce, a little cup full of candy & nuts, and your choice of dessert & beverage -- all for $7.75. (Granted, it's not Mom's -- but it will do until I get there, lol.)
- I went to a noon hour concert in the concourse by The Barra MacNeills, a Celtic-flavoured musical group of siblings from Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia. It was mostly Christmas music, including a high-spirited rendition of "Christmas in Killarney," some step-dancing, beautiful harmonies, an audience singalong to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," and an achingly beautiful version of "O Holy Night" that gave me goosebumps & brought tears to my eyes. (I love Celtic/East Coast music. I grew up on the Prairies but, with only one television channel -- the CBC -- watched a LOT of Don Messer's Jubilee, Singalong Jubilee, The Irish Rovers, John Allen Cameron, etc.)
- I have 1 & 1/2 days left to work before vacation (part of which will be spent at home with my family, the rest around the house).
- The weather forecast is calling for more snow on Friday & Sunday -- but Saturday is supposed to be clear & good travelling weather. Fingers crossed!!
Merry Christmas to all of you out there in blogland. I will be checking in from my parents' house (although I may be fighting for computer time with my sister, her partner & my dh, not to mention my parents!).
Article: "Merry Christmas, you're working"
The Globe & Mail had a story earlier this week about working at Christmas… and how the burden of covering shifts always seems to fall on people without kids. The focus was mostly on singles, but does also mention childless/free people. Here's the story (since the links will likely expire soon) -- my comments are below.
*** *** ***
Holiday Survival Guide
Merry Christmas, you're working
SARAH BOESVELD
From Monday's Globe and Mail
December 15, 2008 at 4:10 AM EST
For the third year in a row, Lyndsay Morrison won't be eating turkey dinner or gathering round the tree on Christmas Day.
Instead, she will be sitting at a desk, writing script for The Weather Network so Christmas travellers are wise to dangers such as snow squalls and freezing rain.
Since the weather doesn't halt for the holidays, somebody needs to work. And it's rarely those with kids.
"They give us some holidays and assume we'll be working them," says the 21-year-old part-time news writer.
New to the industry, Ms. Morrison says she doesn't complain about working holidays. Still, Christmas is but once a year and sometimes she would rather get time off than automatically see her name on the schedule.
"It gets to a point where you kind of feel like you've paid your dues a little bit and you would like some time," she says.
Young people, singles and employees without kids often feel an expectation to remain glued to their desk once the holidays roll around, partly because bosses think employees with kids have more important commitments, experts say.
And while many singles such as Ms. Morrison say they don't mind filling in for colleagues now and again, some think it's unjust when the boss schedules them without a second thought.
In its most extreme form, one can call it "singlism," a term coined by University of California psychologist Bella DePaulo. Family status routinely plays into some bosses' decisions for who gets a holiday and who stays at work, says Prof. DePaulo, the author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.
"Co-workers and bosses say, 'Oh you can cover. What do you have to do on the holidays?' " she says. "I think that's totally inappropriate even if it were true. It has nothing to do with your work."
In the Winnipeg family restaurant where Joanne Evans has worked every Christmas for four years, it's often new employees who, when hired, say their schedules are wide open but then scramble to get out of holiday shifts claiming they need to be with their families.
"They do need people to take certain shifts and it elicits guilt if [you're single and] don't take the shifts," the 22-year-old says. "I think it would be more fair if it was on seniority, something you could sort of work toward or earn, not based on family status."
So if you would rather spend Boxing Day scouring the mall for sales or watching a marathon of holiday movies, you shouldn't keep quiet and work through the holiday if you think it's unjust, Prof. DePaulo says.
You can get out of it, she says, by appealing to your boss's sense of fairness and negotiating for holidays off.
Sometimes simply expressing your side is enough, but take care to acknowledge your boss's scheduling dilemma, says Laurie Barclay, an assistant professor of organizational behaviour at Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, Ont.
"I think people have to remember a lot of the times their bosses aren't trying to be mean or pick on them unfairly and they have to pick somebody to work," she says.
It also helps to be vocal about the other people you plan to spend holidays with, says Laurie Lisle, author of Without Child: Challenging the Stigma of Childlessness.
"People without children need to explain what their lives are like and have pride in them and talk about the kinds of relationships they have," she says. "They need to think they're valued and not be intimidated at Christmastime [because] it's so family focused."
But that doesn't work for everybody.
One human resources professional in Toronto, who didn't want her name used for fear of company repercussions, occasionally mentioned visits from extended members of her family in front of her bosses, but to no avail.
The until-recently single 42-year-old worked every Christmas for 15 years because, unlike her colleagues, she didn't have stockings to fill and a turkey to stuff. She finally just booked the time and offered no explanation.
"I just kind of hit a point where I said, 'I don't have kids, I don't have a husband, I barely even have a household to manage, but you know what? I'm taking three weeks at Christmas,' " she says.
And liars beware: If you tell the boss you're going to church, then skip it to get sloshed on eggnog with your buddies, your dishonesty may catch up with you, warns Blaine Donais of the Toronto-based Workplace Fairness Institute.
"Lying is something that can get you fired and keep you fired," he says.
If your boss is being really unfair, Mr. Donais suggests talking to a union representative or visiting the human resources department. Discrimination against family status is included in the Ontario Human Rights Code and codes in other provinces.
Though working through Christmas may be kind of a drag, Ms. Morrison is grateful she will get to ring in the New Year with her friends and not the weather anchor.
She also keeps things in perspective by putting herself in the shoes of those with children at home.
"I can't imagine working Christmas when I have kids," she says. "No way."
*** *** ***
You may also want to read some of the comments.
*** *** ***
Let me start by saying that I feel very fortunate: in the 22+ years I've worked for this company, I've always been able to take at least a few days off & fly home to be with my family at Christmastime. (Disclosure: our office is closed on both Christmas Day & Boxing Day, and most people are allowed to leave early on both Christmas & New Years Eves.) There were some years that I didn't get an answer to my request right away, as the higher-ups wanted to ensure there was adequate "coverage" over Christmas week (even though very little usually happens around the office then). For a long (long!) time, most of the people in my immediate work group were childless, which perhaps levelled the playing field somewhat. Also, most of them have most of their families close by and don't have to take extra time to travel, as I do. At any rate, I am thankful that my bosses have been so accommodating. I know that many others are not so lucky.
At the same time, I've often worked on the Friday before a long weekend when it seemed like everyone else had left to get an early start, or on the Monday when Canada Day fell on a Tuesday, etc., while others enjoyed an extra-long weekend at their cottage. I find that these things generally even out in the wash, so to speak, & there's generally no need to keep a scorecard, so long as people try to accommodate each other & don't totally abuse the flexibility.
Flexibility is the key word. When my company introduced a formal "flexible work arrangements" policy in the mid-1900s, I interviewed several people about it for the staff magazine. One of the women I interviewed worked a compressed week -- longer hours four days a week so that she could take the fifth day off. I asked her about her motivation to pursue such an arrangement, & what she did with her time off.
Most people mentioned spending more time with their children. She told me she didn't have children -- she liked to use her days off to go to the theatre and work on the novel she was writing -- but she didn't believe that being childless meant she shouldn't ask for a flexible arrangement. Officially, people asking for such an arrangement are not obliged to disclose WHY they want one, and it is not supposed to be a factor in evaluating the proposal. Employees only have to explain how it will benefit the company (or, at least, not be disruptive) & how the work will still get done.
Still, she noted, there was an assumption among most employees that children were the only "legitimate" reason for asking for flexibility or for time off, & she wanted to dispel that notion. "If you have an interest you would like to pursue, or you need that extra tie to yourself, why not? Your needs are important too," she pointed out to me.
I was still in the early stages of ttc (loss & infertility were still in the future), & never dreamed her words would someday apply to me, but they have stuck with me. Why not indeed? It seems fair enough.
*** *** ***
Holiday Survival Guide
Merry Christmas, you're working
SARAH BOESVELD
From Monday's Globe and Mail
December 15, 2008 at 4:10 AM EST
For the third year in a row, Lyndsay Morrison won't be eating turkey dinner or gathering round the tree on Christmas Day.
Instead, she will be sitting at a desk, writing script for The Weather Network so Christmas travellers are wise to dangers such as snow squalls and freezing rain.
Since the weather doesn't halt for the holidays, somebody needs to work. And it's rarely those with kids.
"They give us some holidays and assume we'll be working them," says the 21-year-old part-time news writer.
New to the industry, Ms. Morrison says she doesn't complain about working holidays. Still, Christmas is but once a year and sometimes she would rather get time off than automatically see her name on the schedule.
"It gets to a point where you kind of feel like you've paid your dues a little bit and you would like some time," she says.
Young people, singles and employees without kids often feel an expectation to remain glued to their desk once the holidays roll around, partly because bosses think employees with kids have more important commitments, experts say.
And while many singles such as Ms. Morrison say they don't mind filling in for colleagues now and again, some think it's unjust when the boss schedules them without a second thought.
In its most extreme form, one can call it "singlism," a term coined by University of California psychologist Bella DePaulo. Family status routinely plays into some bosses' decisions for who gets a holiday and who stays at work, says Prof. DePaulo, the author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.
"Co-workers and bosses say, 'Oh you can cover. What do you have to do on the holidays?' " she says. "I think that's totally inappropriate even if it were true. It has nothing to do with your work."
In the Winnipeg family restaurant where Joanne Evans has worked every Christmas for four years, it's often new employees who, when hired, say their schedules are wide open but then scramble to get out of holiday shifts claiming they need to be with their families.
"They do need people to take certain shifts and it elicits guilt if [you're single and] don't take the shifts," the 22-year-old says. "I think it would be more fair if it was on seniority, something you could sort of work toward or earn, not based on family status."
So if you would rather spend Boxing Day scouring the mall for sales or watching a marathon of holiday movies, you shouldn't keep quiet and work through the holiday if you think it's unjust, Prof. DePaulo says.
You can get out of it, she says, by appealing to your boss's sense of fairness and negotiating for holidays off.
Sometimes simply expressing your side is enough, but take care to acknowledge your boss's scheduling dilemma, says Laurie Barclay, an assistant professor of organizational behaviour at Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, Ont.
"I think people have to remember a lot of the times their bosses aren't trying to be mean or pick on them unfairly and they have to pick somebody to work," she says.
It also helps to be vocal about the other people you plan to spend holidays with, says Laurie Lisle, author of Without Child: Challenging the Stigma of Childlessness.
"People without children need to explain what their lives are like and have pride in them and talk about the kinds of relationships they have," she says. "They need to think they're valued and not be intimidated at Christmastime [because] it's so family focused."
But that doesn't work for everybody.
One human resources professional in Toronto, who didn't want her name used for fear of company repercussions, occasionally mentioned visits from extended members of her family in front of her bosses, but to no avail.
The until-recently single 42-year-old worked every Christmas for 15 years because, unlike her colleagues, she didn't have stockings to fill and a turkey to stuff. She finally just booked the time and offered no explanation.
"I just kind of hit a point where I said, 'I don't have kids, I don't have a husband, I barely even have a household to manage, but you know what? I'm taking three weeks at Christmas,' " she says.
And liars beware: If you tell the boss you're going to church, then skip it to get sloshed on eggnog with your buddies, your dishonesty may catch up with you, warns Blaine Donais of the Toronto-based Workplace Fairness Institute.
"Lying is something that can get you fired and keep you fired," he says.
If your boss is being really unfair, Mr. Donais suggests talking to a union representative or visiting the human resources department. Discrimination against family status is included in the Ontario Human Rights Code and codes in other provinces.
Though working through Christmas may be kind of a drag, Ms. Morrison is grateful she will get to ring in the New Year with her friends and not the weather anchor.
She also keeps things in perspective by putting herself in the shoes of those with children at home.
"I can't imagine working Christmas when I have kids," she says. "No way."
*** *** ***
You may also want to read some of the comments.
*** *** ***
Let me start by saying that I feel very fortunate: in the 22+ years I've worked for this company, I've always been able to take at least a few days off & fly home to be with my family at Christmastime. (Disclosure: our office is closed on both Christmas Day & Boxing Day, and most people are allowed to leave early on both Christmas & New Years Eves.) There were some years that I didn't get an answer to my request right away, as the higher-ups wanted to ensure there was adequate "coverage" over Christmas week (even though very little usually happens around the office then). For a long (long!) time, most of the people in my immediate work group were childless, which perhaps levelled the playing field somewhat. Also, most of them have most of their families close by and don't have to take extra time to travel, as I do. At any rate, I am thankful that my bosses have been so accommodating. I know that many others are not so lucky.
At the same time, I've often worked on the Friday before a long weekend when it seemed like everyone else had left to get an early start, or on the Monday when Canada Day fell on a Tuesday, etc., while others enjoyed an extra-long weekend at their cottage. I find that these things generally even out in the wash, so to speak, & there's generally no need to keep a scorecard, so long as people try to accommodate each other & don't totally abuse the flexibility.
Flexibility is the key word. When my company introduced a formal "flexible work arrangements" policy in the mid-1900s, I interviewed several people about it for the staff magazine. One of the women I interviewed worked a compressed week -- longer hours four days a week so that she could take the fifth day off. I asked her about her motivation to pursue such an arrangement, & what she did with her time off.
Most people mentioned spending more time with their children. She told me she didn't have children -- she liked to use her days off to go to the theatre and work on the novel she was writing -- but she didn't believe that being childless meant she shouldn't ask for a flexible arrangement. Officially, people asking for such an arrangement are not obliged to disclose WHY they want one, and it is not supposed to be a factor in evaluating the proposal. Employees only have to explain how it will benefit the company (or, at least, not be disruptive) & how the work will still get done.
Still, she noted, there was an assumption among most employees that children were the only "legitimate" reason for asking for flexibility or for time off, & she wanted to dispel that notion. "If you have an interest you would like to pursue, or you need that extra tie to yourself, why not? Your needs are important too," she pointed out to me.
I was still in the early stages of ttc (loss & infertility were still in the future), & never dreamed her words would someday apply to me, but they have stuck with me. Why not indeed? It seems fair enough.
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