The Fabulous 50 Meme, Part 1

Kristin at Dragondreamer's Lair did this two-part meme awhile back, & I filed it away as something I might do in the future. "The Fabulous 50 Meme" seemed like the perfect way to mark my (gulp) 50th birthday -- so here it is! Part 2 tomorrow. Feel free to lift this, but let me know if you do; I would love to read your answers!


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1. Introduce yourself... I'm Lori. Smalltown Prairie girl, born & bred, now living in the suburbs & working in the Big Smoke. Original ambition was to write books, then to be an ace newspaper reporter. Settled for a gig in corporate communications. ; ) Married 25 years to my dh. Bereaved mother of Katie, stillborn 12 years ago after several years of ttc. Unable to conceive again, even with the help of Clomid, Gonal-F and IUIs. Decided at age 40 to leave fertility treatment behind and continue to live without children.


2. If it’s Wednesday at noon, where are you usually? Probably at my desk at work, starting to think about what I should do about lunch -- what to eat, & what errands, if any, I should attend to.

3. What kind of laundry detergent do you use? Tide Free (HE liquid formula).

4. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now? Lately, I've been alternating between Neutrogena & Herbal Essences. Dh likes Pert.

5. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? The legal drinking age where I grew up was 18 (but the answer is still yes). ; )

6. What countries have you been to? Canada and the United States. Hoping to expand the list more shortly!

7. Do you watch MTV anymore? No. Unless I'm flipping by & they have a retro video on that I remember from the good old days. Dh likes to watch videos on CMT on Saturday mornings sometimes, though!

8. What do you think about Oprah? I'll admit it, I adore Oprah. She is a damned smart woman who has built an amazing connection with her audience. I am going to miss her show horribly when it's over next spring. (Although I only ever get to watch it when I'm on holidays.)

9. What color are your bed sheets? Off white with a floral pattern.

10. You need a new pair of jeans: what store do you go to first? Yikes. I haven't had to buy new jeans in awhile. I used to buy them at the Gap, but I'm not sure their styles would fit me anymore. :p

11. Did you ever watch The O.C.? Never.

12. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive, but we have a 2003 Toyota Camry.

13. Honestly, is that car insured? Yes, I don't think we're allowed to drive without it!

14. Do you like sushi? Never tried it. Don't really have any great desire to.

15. Have you ever been to Tiffany & Co. or Saks 5th Ave? No. Although there is a Tiffany store on Bloor Street.

16. Did your parents spoil you growing up? They'll tell you they did. ; ) I guess they did, a bit. ; )

17. Do you like roller coasters? I did when I was a kid, but I never rode any of the really big ones -- and I'm not sure my stomach would be up to it these days...!

18. What magazine(s) do you buy regularly or subscribe to? Oh man, too many, according to dh. :p I subscribe to a lot of the major Canadian magazines: Macleans, Chatelaine, Canadian Living, Homemakers, Style at Home, Canadian Scrapbooker. Also Consumer Reports. I regularly buy Entertainment Weekly, Vanity Fair & O Magazine on the newsstand. People and Rolling Stone occasionlly.

19. Do you remember the WB show “Popular”? Don't think I've ever even heard of it.

20. When you go out do you prefer to go to a dance club or to a bar? I haven't been to either in YEARS. I would probably opt for the bar.

21. What do you think about gay marriage? It doesn't bother me in the least.

22. Who do you think Obama will run against and, if he does, will he be re-elected? Two years is a long time away. I do think that, despite all his problems, he stands a good chance of being re-elected. Of course, I'm Canadian, so I don't have much of a say in the matter anyway!

23. Are you registered to vote? Yes.

24. Do you own an iPod? No. I never even had a Sony Walkman. I still buy CDs, and I still have all my cassette tapes & vinyl albums. Am I dating myself?

25. Is your bathroom filled with beauty stuff? Yes, and so is my linen closet.

50

Well, it's here. Today is the day. My birthday. The big 5-0. I am officially, if not OLD, then definitely not young anymore. Middle aged, even. I have long-lived ancestors on all sides of my family, but even in the most optimistic scenario, I know my life is at least at the halfway point.

As my grandmother used to joke, when it came to getting older, "Well, it's better than the alternative..." And yes, I know, you're only as young or as old as you feel.

I remember my great-aunt, in her 80s, once saying solemnly to my mother, "You know, there's still a young person inside this old body." The older I get, the more I understand what she meant. There are days when I still feel like a teenager (especially when a song from the 70s comes on the radio, whisking me back in time). There are days when I don't feel a day older than I did in university -- my memories of that time (the best time of my life) are still so clear.

And then there are days (especially when I listen to a bunch of teenagers, or even the 20-somethings in my office, talking about technology or music that I know absolutely nothing about, or the bender they went on over the weekend -- or when my knees creak & I survey the age spots on my cheeks and the coarse grey hairs sprouting at my temples)(or -- horrors! -- on my CHIN!!) when I feel positively ancient.

My mother turned 70 this week. She said 70 doesn't bother her -- but having a daughter who is turning 50 -- well, that just doesn't seem possible.

Sometimes it doesn't seem possible to me either, Mom. Can it really be possible that I've been married 25+ years -- that my pregnancy was almost 13 years ago -- that we stopped fertility treatments almost 10 years ago -- that I graduated from university 27 years ago and high school (gulp) 32?

At the same time, though, I can't deny that I'm feeling a little excited about this birthday. It's a milestone, no doubt about it. The closer it got, the more I began to notice -- really notice -- how much everyone likes to joke & moan about aging. (It becomes more personal when you're the one doing the aging...!) I guess it's a reflection of the age-denying, youth-worshipping culture that we live in (never mind the fact that the first baby boomers started turning 65 this year, and that senior citizens will soon make up the majority of the population) that, whenever I bring up the fact that I'm turning 50, people immediately assume that I'm "having a hard time with it." When I'm really not sure that I am, entirely.

Yes, there's the vanity part of it, as detailed above, and the fear of becoming irrelevant (particularly as an older childless woman), of being left behind. On the fertility front, knowing that the end of my fertile years is nigh makes me sad... but, I must confess, also relieved. Yes, it's the end of a dream, of an important time in my life. This summer, it will be 10 years since we said goodbye to infertility treatments (even though I secretly hoped for that miracle pregnancy for several years afterward).

But, having made that decision, it will be kind of a relief to knowthat, once AF makes her final exit, that phase of my life will REALLY be over. Finis. (These days, every time Aunt Flo pays me a visit, I know her days are numbered -- yahoo!)

But there's also the beginning of new dreams and a new phase in my life -- new possibilities (counting down to retirement!) -- and that's kind of exciting. : )

I've been thinking about this upcoming milestone birthday a lot -- about what it means to be a 50-year-old woman right now. I guess I'm not alone -- I recently learned that my high school classmates are planning a reunion this summer. We graduated in 1979, 32 years ago, which may seem like an odd number -- but apprently, the theme is going to be "Class of '79 Turns 50" -- an en masse 50th birthday celebration. I only just learned about it, and haven't decided yet whether I'm going. I also remember reading awhile back that, while 1957 was the peak year for the baby boom in the United States, in Canada, it was 1961. So I have a lot of company. : )

I did some Googling recently on "women turning 50." And I found that, like me, a lot of women are approaching this birthday with more anticipation than fear.

For example, there was this article by Sara Thompson, who noted that many women shared her feelings about turning 50:

"What a surprise it was -- rather than anticipate my 50th birthday as a dreaded, 'over the hill' event, I actually feel like it gave me a new freedom; a freedom to not take so much so seriously. I don't mean to imply that I've become rude, insensitive or the like. I simply do not bother with many of the things I felt bothered about before and I laugh more....
"I realized that as we turn 50, we are catching a glimpse of our mortality and making a choice about how we want to feel and live the rest of our life. By now, we know what is important and what isn't, what needs to be taken to heart and when we can laugh unabashedly at ourselves and at each other."

I wrote a few posts ago about watching Ali MacGraw on Oprah, & how they were talking about aging, & how so many women (especially in Hollywood) resort to plastic surgery Oprah said, "Everyone is trying to hang onto what WAS, instead of being present for what IS." Hmmm. There's a lesson there. (And not just for women turning 50.)

I also picked up the latest Canadian edition of More magazine (aimed specifically at women over 40), with the wonderful actress Jane Lynch (another 50-year-old) on the cover. One of the cover lines read, "Happier at fifty than at forty? You're not alone!" The article inside talks about how studies have shown that, for most people, happiness can be graphed in a U form throughout our lifespan: so long as our health & relationships stay relatively stable, happiness levels, which bottom out in your 40s, start to rise again in your 50s.

While young adulthood is seemingly a time of endless possibilities, our choices narrow as we age, so that by our forties we realize we'll probably never become a CEO, give a thank-you speech at the Academy Awards or have a picture-perfect family life. In fact, where we are now may be as good as it gets -- which can look rather bleak compared with what we earlier envisioned. It takes time to readjust our view of ourselves, says [Carol] Graham [author of Happiness Around the World], but by our fifties, we're generally more accepting of our limitations. "I do think we go through some sort of reckoning as we realign our aspirations with reality," she says. "And as we get older, there's a happy-to-be-alive effect. We see that life is short, so we better start enjoying it."

So here's to the next 50 years (give or take a few). I am taking the day off work, and kicking off the celebrations by... getting my blood pressure checked, lol. (Appropriate, no? I hadn't had it checked in awhile & when I called, this was the first day offered. It kind of tickled my funny bone, so I said yes.) After I leave the dr's office, I am heading to the SPA for a few hours (as I did on my 40th birthday, 10 years ago). Facial, manicure & pedicure. And then some shopping. Followed by dinner with dh.

I am a lucky girl. (A girl who just happens to be turning 50, lol.)

Diversity & inclusion, infertility & loss

I attended a workshop this morning on diversity & inclusion. It was kind of an obligatory thing we all have to go through at work -- but it turned out to be a really interesting presentation, & a great speaker. Most of the material we explored was stuff that I already knew -- but he presented it so well, it really got me thinking about these issues in a fresh kind of way.

Part of the presentation was to open us up to the idea that diversity is more than just the four groups designated under Canada's Employment Equity Act -- women, Aboriginals, persons with disabiities and visible minorities -- that diversity encompasses all sorts of things about us. Our religion, political views, education, age, education, socio-economic background -- and lots of other, more subtle things about us, too. 

 The part of the presentation that really hit home for me (& got me taking notes) was the idea of privilege, of insiders and outsiders. To make the point, he asked who was left-handed, and then had the lefties in the room talk about the challenges of being left-handed -- how the world was tailor-made for right-handed people, simply because they are the majority. (Everything from door handles to light switches to scissors and student desks are built with right-handed users in mind.) How left-handed people have to take that extra step, make that extra effort, ALL THE TIME, to navigate through a world that is not built to accommodate them. How so few right-handed people recognize this -- stop to think about what it's like for left-handed people -- unless, perhaps, they know or live with someone who is left-handed. 

Life is easy when you're an insider, isn't it? 

He also talked about "unintentional intolerance." Most of us like to believe that we're nice, tolerant people. We don't mean to be exclusive. 

But we are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zones, and we stick to them. We hang out with people who are like us, who agree with us, who reinforce our beliefs -- about the world and about ourselves and our place in it. It's just easier. It requires less energy & effort. We don't have to think about it. 

That leads us to make assumptions, even when we don't realize it. We don't consider alternatives. We don't LIKE having alternatives, being challenged with new ideas -- it's too much work! When we're challenged, we tend to retreat to our comfort zones. And we tend to absorb messages from our families, from the media, from our peers, that we unconsciously fall back on & regurgitate, even when when we don't necessarily believe they are entirely true. 

As you can imagine, throughout the presentation, I was thinking about my own particular frames of reference -- bereavement, infertility, childlessness -- and the challenges they present to the majority worldview. About how so much of the world is built with families in mind -- not childless couples (or single people, for that matter). How so many people just assume that they WILL get married, get pregnant within a reasonable timeframe, bring home a live, healthy baby nine months later (and then perhaps another one or two after that)? 

Until they don't. 

And how, when the way we try to build our families falls outside the "norm" -- dead children who are nevertheless talked about openly and treated like the important family members they are -- adoption, IVF, donor eggs, surrogates -- families of two (without children), families with two dads or two moms -- then people who have never had to think about building their own family in any way except the "norm" somehow feel threatened. Their assumptions about their cozy, easy, privileged world have been challenged. They find it difficult to relate to us in the same way they did when they assumed that we were just like them. 

I wonder how many fertile people would think of themselves as privileged or an "insider" because of their fertility? 

And how many of us who have had difficulty achieving what most consider to be a "normal" family structure perpetually feel like left-handers in a right-handed world?

Delurk!

Yes, I know, it's already the 9th. Better late than never! ; )

Whether you really are a lurker, a regular commenter or just occasionally offer your $.02, I'd love to hear from you. Who's reading, & (if you remember) how did you find me?

"Life" by Keith Richards

I just finished reading Keith Richards' new memoir, Life. I feel like I've emerged from a smoky bar where I've spent the last several hours listening to Keith tell stories about his many adventures over several bottles of Jack Daniels & way too many cigarettes, lol.

It's a hugely entertaining book, written in such a way that you can almost hear Keith talking as you read (with the occasional raspy laugh thrown in between drags on a cigarette). I imagine his cowriter relied heavily on interview transcripts for the wording. If you have any interest in the Stones, what it was like to grow up in post-WWII Britain, the evolution of rock & roll, how Keith invented certain chords for certain Stones songs, what the 60s were like, or how hard it is to kick drugs, Keith's your man.

It's a long book, dragged a little at times (e.g., I don't play guitar, so the lengthy explanations of guitar chords were lost on me, although I'm sure any guitar player with rock & roll ambitions or fantasies would find it fascinating). And there were certain topics that were glossed over, or that I read with a mixture of fascination & horror -- the drug stuff, for example -- and particularly the fact that Keith took his young son, Marlon, on tour with him and made him his "minder." Marlon contributes a few first-person accounts to the book about his bizarre childhood (referring to both of his junkie parents by their first names) that had me going "hmm....". But overall, I thought it was a great read.

You probably wouldn't expect a book by & about Keith Richards to be of interest to bereaved parents, but think again. As I blogged a few months ago when the book was first published and excerpts began appearing, Keith is a bereaved father: his second son & third child, Tara, died of SIDS in 1976 when he was a few months old. This part of the story is told as only Keith could tell it... and although I daresay there aren't too many of us who would refer to our lost babies as "the little bugger" (!), the emotions sound very familiar.

Keith was in Paris at the time, on tour with the Stones & just getting ready to go onstage. He turned down an offer to cancel the show & went on. ("What am I going to do?... It's happened already. It's done.") The mother, Keith's longtime girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg, took care of the coroners, cremation, etc., while Keith stayed on tour, accompanied by Marlon (then 7), "the only thing," he writes, "that kept me going... Thank God he was there... I've lost my second son, I ain't gonna lose the first."

To this day, Keith says, he and Anita have never talked about their lost son: "It's too painful... Neither of us, I'm sure in her case too, have got over it. You don't get over these things."

"What happened? I know very little about the circumstances. All I knew about Tara was this beautiful little boy in the cradle. Hey, little bugger, I'll see you when I get back off the road, right? He seemed perfectly robust. He looked like miniature Marlon. Never knew the son of a bitch, or barely. I changed his nappy twice, I think. It was respiratory failure, cot death. Anita found him in the morning. I wasn't about to ask questions at the time. Only Anita knows. As for me, I should never have left him. I don't think it's her fault; it was just a crib death. But leaving a newborn is something I can't forgive myself for. It's as if I deserted my post..."

"There's no question that losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen, which is why I wrote to Eric Clapton when his son died, knowing something of what he was going through. When that happens, you go totally numb for awhile. It's only very slowly that the possibilities of your love for the little chap emerge. You can't deal with it all at once. And you can't lose a kid without it coming to haunt you. Everything's supposed to go in its natural order. I've seen my mum and dad off, and that's the natural order. But seeing a baby off is another thing. It never lets you rest. Now it's a permanent cold space inside me. Just selfishly, if it had to happen, I'm glad it happened then. When he was too young to form a relationship. Now he bangs into me once a week or so. I have a boy missing. Could have been a contender. I wrote in my notebook when I when I was working on this book, "Once in a while Tara invades me. My son. He would be thirty-odd now." Tara lives inside me. But I don't even know where the little bugger is buried, if he's buried at all."

Keith later met & married supermodel Patti Hansen. He says, without going into much detail, that she told him she couldn't have babies; with two older children already, he figured his nappy-changing days were over. But surprise! They went on to have two daughters, Theodora & Alexandra (whom Keith refers to affectionately as "Little T&A," in a nod to a Stones song).

New Year's odds & ends

• I'm slowly making my way through the Stirrup Queen's annual Creme de la Creme list for 2010, which was posted on New Year's Day and features the best (self-selected) entries of the past year from almost 300 ALI bloggers (and counting). Mel puts an amazing amount of effort into this annual project, and it's a wonderful sampling of great writing and thought-provoking posts, covering a broad spectrum of topics. Lots of great reading there, so if you haven't checked it out yet, please do!
• Yes, I have a post on the list. I picked "25 Years: Our silver lining" as my contribution (#24). I posted it on & about our 25th wedding anniversary in July, and I knew right away that it was the post that best summed up the year for me & my current state of mind.
• Had lunch on New Year's Day at FIL's. Also there: stepMIL's son, his wife, her 22-year-old daughter from a previous relationship (!), & their two-year-old son together. This is stepMIL's only grandchild, & of course the sun rises & sets on him. ; ) He IS a cute little guy, and dh & I were both enjoying him. I even found myself thinking that I was doing very well, wasn't I? And then -- I reached a point where all I could think was, "OK, enough already, time to go," lol. I reached that point somewhere around the two-hour mark, between stepBIL's wife ravings about how it's "so great" to be a mom (again), what a happy child her son is, & how she's been talking with a high school girlfriend about how weird & wonderful it was that they all had families now (she's a nice, friendly girl, but tact has never been her strong point...), & then stepMIL's gushing about how wonderful her grandson was.
• Was reading the NYT Book Review section tonight, and a review of the new memoir by the Duchess of Cavendish, nee Deborah Mitford, when I stumbled on this paragraph (we bereaved parents are everywhere...!):

So in 1950, when his father died, Andrew became the 11th Duke of Devonshire, and the couple moved to Chatsworth, the family’s vast country estate. With them came their two children, Emma and Peregrine (who became the 12th duke on his father’s death in 2004). Three other children died at birth — tragedies that Mitford humbly, feelingly describes. But in 1957 another child, Sophia, was born. Although there was “much rejoicing,” Mitford recalls, “I was so apprehensive that I did not buy any new clothes for the baby, and the washed-out woolly things and old-­fashioned gowns surprised the nurses in the smart maternity wing.” She adds, “I could hardly believe it when they said that she was perfect.”

• Went to see "The King's Speech" today. Even my anti-monarchist husband thoroughly enjoyed it. Colin Firth looks nothing like King George VI, but does an amazing job of conveying what the man went through. (And, of course... he's Colin Firth!! ; ) lol) Geoffrey Rush is wonderful too, & so are the supporting cast.
• Still off tomorrow, but back to work Tuesday (boo, hiss, lol).

My other Christmas butterfly

Before we took down the Christmas tree this afternoon, I snapped a few pictures to share with you of the ornaments that stepMIL gave us, which I mentioned a few posts ago.

First, the glittery butterfly ornament (you can see dh's Katybeth ornament in the background, to the left), followed by the golden cross: