Thursday, February 14, 2013

My worst nightmare :(

One of my worst nightmares came true today. :( 

I was at a meeting late this afternoon with about 25 coworkers, and at the very end, our senior officer said she had some very sad news: one of colleagues has lost the baby she was expecting (in April, I think). Her office baby shower was going to be in a couple of weeks. :( 

Everyone gasped. I clapped my hands to my face, dropped my head & promptly started hyperventilating. :(  I kept thinking, "Don't make a scene, it's not about you," but I couldn't stop gasping. Someone handed me a Kleenex, I think?  My mascara was coming off in it. I couldn't move. I could hear people around me leaving, and then I felt someone hugging me.

When I finally looked up, there was just me and two longtime coworkers, both women also in their 50s. They remembered. Bless them both.

They stayed with me until I could collect myself enough to leave & we walked back to the office together. I hugged them both again before we went our separate ways. My mouth was dry, I was hot & red & shaky. (I wondered what my blood pressure reading would be.)  Another longtime coworker came to my cubicle with more hugs. She said she'd had to leave & go to the bathroom to collect herself, because she immediately thought of me & could see how distraught I was.

Well, if people didn't know before that I lost a baby, I guess they know now. :p  I'ts not like I've tried to keep it a secret -- but at the same time, it's not something I've talked about openly, either -- especially in an office filled with idealistic young singles, newlyweds and expectant parents. It kind of seems like bad taste to bring up around them -- and even if I did talk about it, nobody ever thinks it's going to happen to them, right?

My boss kindly asked if I'd like to stay home tomorrow. I don't think I will -- it's not about me -- but I'm not sure how productive I'll be. :p   I am still feeling a tad shaky. And exhausted. 

I've crossed my fingers & toes & other body parts through many, many office pregnancies these past 15 years. This is not the first coworker who's lost a baby since Katie -- but they have (thankfully) been very far & few between. As I said, this is one of my worst nightmares come true. I am devastated for her.

I'm going to talk to her boss tomorrow & pass along my contact info. What else is there to do? :( 

Katie's LMP date was this past week. February 8, 1998. The cycle begins anew.

16 comments:

  1. Oh hon, I am so sorry for your co-worker, and I am so sorry that you encountered that trigger. What a punch to the gut to hear those words.

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  2. I am so sorry for your co-workers loss and for all the feelings it brought up anew (*hugs*) Thinking of you, and of your co-worker.

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  3. How horrible for your coworker and for you. I'm so sorry you both are going through this, her for the first tme and you reliving your loss.

    Abiding with you both.

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  4. Glad there were hugs, sending some more from across the ocean.

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  5. Oh Loribeth, I'm reading this with tears in my eyes thinking of you, and of course your colleague. Sending hugs and love.

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  6. I am so so sorry. It is just so heartbreaking to hear and I can just imagine how you felt. I hope that you can be a source of comfortable to your co-worker and that she will reach out to you. Sad to say, I had a similar experience last summer with my niece (who I am not very close with). She lost her second child at 7 months. I tried to reach out, but never got any response. My heart literally dropped when I heard the news. It makes me sad that someone so close to me had to have this happen to them. I wish this kind of heartbreak on no one. Big hugs to you.

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  7. As I read this, I was almost feeling it right along with you. I'm so sorry for your co-worker, what she's going through at this time, and for your reliving your worst nightmare.

    So kind of you to reach out to her.

    And the timing is almost eerie....

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  8. so so sorry for your co-worker. and yes, hearing news like this that hits close to home for us - while it isn't about us - we have so much empathy and it can be very hard. love, love love to you.

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  9. There are just no words. I feel so sorry for your coworker and I will be praying for her and for you as well. I can only imagine how I would have handled this situation. I am glad there were women there who supported you.

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  10. I'm very sorry...(HUGS)... triggers are hard to predict- I'm thankful your co-workers remembered and gave you support- you have a circle of love around you..

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  11. I'm so sorry for your co-worker's lost and for what you felt following the news. Sending hugs your way ...

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  12. I'm so sorry. For you, for her, just sorry.

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  13. I have read this post a few day ago. I chose not to comment on the spot, but to think about it and come up with something meaningful. I haven't found anything that could remotely be classified as meaningful, but I also fear there are no such words. I am so sorry for this awful day, this awful loss,both yours and hers. I am sorry you lost your child and get to relive it with every loss you hear.
    So, nothing meaningful. But loads of hugs.

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  14. Just read this post - it shows once again that there is no greater trigger for grief than being exposed to someone else's loss. Sending big hugs to you, and her. Congratulations on this wonderful blog - I just added it to the Resources page at TheNotMom.com

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