My worst nightmare :(

One of my worst nightmares came true today. :( 

I was at a meeting late this afternoon with about 25 coworkers, and at the very end, our senior officer said she had some very sad news: one of colleagues has lost the baby she was expecting (in April, I think). Her office baby shower was going to be in a couple of weeks. :( 

Everyone gasped. I clapped my hands to my face, dropped my head & promptly started hyperventilating. :(  I kept thinking, "Don't make a scene, it's not about you," but I couldn't stop gasping. Someone handed me a Kleenex, I think?  My mascara was coming off in it. I couldn't move. I could hear people around me leaving, and then I felt someone hugging me.

When I finally looked up, there was just me and two longtime coworkers, both women also in their 50s. They remembered. Bless them both.

They stayed with me until I could collect myself enough to leave & we walked back to the office together. I hugged them both again before we went our separate ways. My mouth was dry, I was hot & red & shaky. (I wondered what my blood pressure reading would be.)  Another longtime coworker came to my cubicle with more hugs. She said she'd had to leave & go to the bathroom to collect herself, because she immediately thought of me & could see how distraught I was.

Well, if people didn't know before that I lost a baby, I guess they know now. :p  I'ts not like I've tried to keep it a secret -- but at the same time, it's not something I've talked about openly, either -- especially in an office filled with idealistic young singles, newlyweds and expectant parents. It kind of seems like bad taste to bring up around them -- and even if I did talk about it, nobody ever thinks it's going to happen to them, right?

My boss kindly asked if I'd like to stay home tomorrow. I don't think I will -- it's not about me -- but I'm not sure how productive I'll be. :p   I am still feeling a tad shaky. And exhausted. 

I've crossed my fingers & toes & other body parts through many, many office pregnancies these past 15 years. This is not the first coworker who's lost a baby since Katie -- but they have (thankfully) been very far & few between. As I said, this is one of my worst nightmares come true. I am devastated for her.

I'm going to talk to her boss tomorrow & pass along my contact info. What else is there to do? :( 

Katie's LMP date was this past week. February 8, 1998. The cycle begins anew.