#MicroblogMondays: Letting go... bit by bit

I never collected a lot of things for Katie during my pregnancy with her (as I think I've mentioned here before). Things were tentative right from the start:  spotting all through the first trimester, an uncertain blood screening test and a troubling ultrasound, followed by amniocentisis -- and an almost THREE WEEK WAIT for the results. 

When the results came back "normal," in late July (1998), I finally felt like I could start shopping. But by then, shower plans were underway for the September long weekend, and I was instructed not to buy too much yet;  I was going to get a ton of stuff at the party. (Which was never held.)  

As a result, my mementos of that time have been few. They mostly fit in two plastic bins that sit in the spare bedroom/office closet, and a large hatbox on the upper shelf of our bedroom closet. (Plus a smaller, shoebox-sized plastic bin full of artificial flowers, hanging ornaments and other decorations, both seasonal and general, for Katie's niche at the cemetery.)  

At one time, I couldn't have imagined letting go of any of it... but over time, little by little, I have actually sent a few things off to the thrift store. I got rid of most of my pregnancy & infertility books years ago (I kept my copy of "What To Expect While You're Expecting" as a "souvenir"), and I finally let go of most of my maternity clothes when we downsized from a house to our condo, 9 (!) years ago now (18 years after they were last worn). I did keep the outfit I'd been wearing when I went to my ob-gyn's office for my six-month checkup that fateful day in August 1998, as well as two or three pretty dresses that I'd loved.  

And... in one of those two plastic bins, I kept the one major thing I did buy for our baby in that brief interval between the good news and the absolute worst: a Classic Pooh themed bedding set, including a comforter, fitted sheet, bumper pads (which aren't even used any more), bedskirt and window valance, as well as two rolls of a matching wallpaper border.  (We had to order the border, and it didn't arrive until after the funeral. I couldn't bring myself to open the box for about five years -- and I used to joke that it would be funny if I waited all that time, only to find out it was the wrong paper!)(It WAS the right one!)  

I guess I've been in a bit of a spring cleaning mood, because I recently combed through the my (overstuffed) closet and armoire recently and pulled out enough old or seldom-worn items of clothing to fill a large plastic garbage bag. And then I did something I'd been contemplating for a while. I decided I could (finally) part with the bedding set (almost 27 years after we bought it!). I asked dh what he thought, and he agreed it was time. 

It was still in the original Sears bag (note: Sears closed all its Canadian stores in 2017), inside that plastic bin in the spare bedroom/office closet. I took everything out of the bag, set aside the folder with the sales receipt inside to keep (we got everything on sale! $177 Canadian!!), and took a few photos before I put it all back into the bag and into the pile of stuff for the thrift store. We dropped it all off on Friday morning. 

I felt a little sad. 

But no tears were shed. 

The comforter -- still in its original packaging. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Yes, we can!

The first year we were married (1985 -- 35 years ago now...!), I told dh I wanted to go to the Santa Claus Parade. 

"You want to go to the Santa Claus Parade??" was not only his reaction but his brother's & cousins' too. "Damn right," I said. I spent my entire childhood watching the Eatons Santa Claus Parade from faraway Toronto -- and now that I was living IN Toronto, I wanted to see it in person. Nevermind that I was now 24 years old and we didn't have any kids to haul along as an excuse. ;) 

We went. We (well, I, lol) had a blast. We went again several years later, along with BIL, SIL, the nephews, and a couple of dh's cousins & their kids. We were the only couple in the group without kids (and still thought we'd have our own someday at that point), but we had a blast then too. In the years after we lost our daughter, just thinking about the parade could sometimes reduce me to tears -- but gradually, the joy returned. There was no parade this year, because of COVID-19, but I keep thinking that I'd love to go again someday. :) (Preferably during a year when the weather is balmy versus subzero, lol.)  

This memory popped into mind after the usual Christmas season debate about photo cards erupted in one of the childless-not-by-choice communities where I hang out. People outside of North America apparently find the whole idea of photo cards generally bewildering, and (understandably) the annual onslaught of photos of happy families and adorable children is like rubbing salt in the wound of childlessness, particularly for people who are newly grieving the realization that the dream is over and this is permanent. A few made the comments along the lines of "nobody wants to see a photo of ME" and "people would think I'm crazy if I sent out a card with a photo of just myself/us, or of me/us & the dog." (You might be surprised... I've been getting more & more photo cards in recent years from my childless friends, both coupled & single. I love them!)

Anyway, that got me thinking about all the things we hesitate to do, or deny ourselves, or resent families doing, just because we're childless. When we're still planning our families or ttc, we think "oh, we'll do that when we have kids" (never imagining, in our innocence, that day might never come). And then, when we realize that we're not going to have those much-wanted kids, we find ourselves thinking, "I can't do that, I don't have kids," or "They'd think I'm nuts if I did that."  

I had another flashback to when I was first married. Everyone around us was getting video cameras & taking videos -- mostly of their kids, yes, but other things too. (This was 20 years before video & photo cameras started being combined, and then being included in your cellphones!)  I itched to get one for myself. There were so many times I wished I had one... but I kept putting it off. "We'll get one when we have kids," I'd tell myself.  

I mentioned this to a girlfriend once. "GET THE CAMERA," she told me (like, "Why are you waiting, if you want it that much?"). I still didn't, until I finally got a digital camera, about 15 years ago, that took video as well as photos. 

I think about the kiddie movies dh & I have gone to see -- "The Incredibles," the Minions movies. Yes, we were often the only adults there without at least one kid in tow, and the first few times we did it, we felt extremely self-conscious. But you know what? When the lights went down and the movie started, nobody could see that... and I daresay we enjoyed the movie just as much (if not more) than the parents who had to worry about taking kids to the bathroom and for popcorn refills. (Most of the best jokes in those movies go right over the kids' heads anyway!)  

I think about the poor neglected spare bedroom at our house in the suburbs... the one that was intended as the nursery. The entire time we lived there, it was a repository for dh's cheap, castoff student apartment furniture, piles of Christmas presents waiting to be wrapped, a storage spot for the vacuum cleaner & caddy full of cleaning supplies, etc. Even after I realized it was never going to be a nursery, I kept thinking we should buy some nice(r) furniture and linens/curtains and fix it up properly as a spare bedroom. I did buy a new bedspread/comforter for the bed, but that was about it  We haven't lived there for almost five years now, but I still regret that we didn't do something better/nicer with that room while we lived there. It was almost like I was kind of subconsciously punishing myself -- I didn't deserve to have nice things, because I had failed in my original mission of filling that room with babies and baby things. 

I think about the wedding china that sits in the cupboard waiting for a "special occasion" and never gets used. Or the bath salts that a friend gives you that remain unopened because they're just too nice to use for everyday. 

Life is short -- if this past year has taught us anything, I think that would be it. The years go by way too quickly. 

So go to the Santa Claus parade. (Go get your photo taken with him! -- when that's allowed again...!) Send photo cards. Go to the kiddie movie you're secretly dying to see. Go to Disney World, or your local amusement park, and ride the roller coaster. Do something nice with that "nursery."  Use that china, use those bath salts.

Don't think that you have to wait "until we have kids" -- or that you can't or shouldn't do something, just because you're childless. Don't let parents & families monopolize all the fun. (I firmly believe that Christmas is for everyone -- not just for kids, or for people with kids.)  "What will people think?"  Who cares?

We are worth it. 

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I've written about Christmas photo cards here and here, and Pamela had a great post about them some years back too (with a lively discussion in the comments section!). 

Family Day 2011

It's Monday, but dh & I are enjoying a lazy day at home. It's a long weekend for us -- a relatively new (and most welcome!) phenomenon for us in Ontario during the dreary month of February. And while I will happily enjoy any day off that the powers that be see fit to bestow upon us, it still rankles that this one has been labelled "Family Day." I'm sure I'm not the only person in this province whose family situation doesn't quite fit the socially approved ideal of a mom, dad & 2.2 kids and who wishes the politicians who invented this holiday had come up with a different name. Even without the angst about my family situation (or lack thereof, depending on how you want to define "family"), to me, "Family Day" smacks of politics, of pandering to the "family values" crowd. (Right now, case in point, I'm watching the suppertime news, with each of the three political leaders preaching about what they will do for Ontario's "families." Ugh.)

I did a quick Google News search, & was heartened to see I'm not the only one who thinks the name needs something to be desired. As the Toronto Sun says, "Great holiday. Name needs work."

"This is a small thing, but it's a powerful recognition of our priorities," [Ontario Premier Dalton] McGuinty told reporters at the time. "There is nothing more valuable to families than time together."

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

With nine brothers and sisters, and four adult children, his family can field a football team and have one left to ride the bench.

Not everyone is so lucky.

Family Day #1 2008
Family Day #2 2009
Family Day #3 2010

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So, being that I have the day off, I tuned into Oprah this afternoon. I doubt that Oprah knows that it's "Family Day" in Ontario (as well as Alberta), but -- as if to rub salt into the wound -- her special guests today included Celine Dion (with several lovingly photographed segments featuring her new twins), as well as a family of SEXTUPLETS from Columbus, Ohio (the mom previously lost twins to premature labour). The sextuplets went home with $250,000 in store credit from their local Wal-Mart, and Mom & Dad got a belated honeymoon in Vegas in the best suite at Caesar's Palace, with front-row seats to Celine's new show there.

I've probably written about this before, but I have a love-hate relationship with Celine. I'm not a particular fan of her singing. Both the music & her personality are a little over the top for my tastes. I find myself cringing at her willingness to share every last detail of her personal life. She was going through infertility treatment at the same time I was -- and I remember standing in line for my ultrasound at the clinic, hearing one of her songs on the radio, & muttering to the woman in line next to me, "I'll bet SHE doesn't have to line up at her clinic at 7 a.m. with her butt hanging out the back of a gown."

And yet, I think she's genuine -- there's nothing artificial about her. She's Canadian : ) and there is no doubt that she loves her family (and she has a LOT of extended family to love!). And if all her oversharing about her desire to have children, her many IVFs, her miscarriage, brings some level of infertility awareness to a few more people in this world, I guess that's a good thing.

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We've been in our house almost 21 years. Katie's been gone almost 13 years, & we're coming up to the 10-year mark of our decision to stop infertility treatment.

During all this time, our spare bedroom has stood as a kind of symbol of our thwarted plans & dreams -- of how our life sort of screeched to a standstill for awhile (& is still sometimes struggling to get back up to full speed). It's the smallest bedroom in the house (the third is our office/junkroom) & the one we had designated for the nursery (it was the baby's room for the previous owners, too). We never did much with it after we moved in, because we were expecting to decorate for a baby, sooner of later.

But it's been years since we (more or less) accepted that it wasn't going to be the baby's room, & still haven't done much with it.

The room is furnished with our very first bed (double mattress & boxspring on a frame, no headboard), and a cheapo, particleboard chest of drawers & night table that dh had in his student apartment. There's not much room for much more. The bedspread on the bed was the very first one that was on the bed (courtesy of dh's aunts) when we arrived home from our honeymoon -- an embroidered organza over taffeta confection that was still pretty, but increasingly becoming shredded.

For the longest time, I've been wanting to do something with that room. I thought that finding a new bedspread would be a good start -- but I haven't been able to find one that I liked -- at least, at a price that I liked. I wasn't going to spend more on a bedspread for the spare bedroom than I would spend on my own room.

Yesterday, we went to the mall & I went to investigate the white sale at one of the department stores. I stumbled onto a bedding set that I finally thought would do the trick. Comforter, bedskirt & pillow shams. Not the greatest quality, but good enough, for the amount of use it will get (we don't get a lot of overnight guests). Best of all: it was originally just $79.99 (a price I would have thought quite reasonable in any case), but it was marked down to $39.99. AND it was a scratch & save weekend, so I got an extra 10% off on top of that. All told, my new bedding set cost about $40, including taxes. Not bad!!

Dh helped me to move the mattress off the boxspring & put on the bedskirt, then make up the rest of the bed. We still need new furniture (again, nothing expensive, but I think we can do better than what we have), lamps & curtains/valance, but it's a start.




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To end off, a meaningful quote (brought to my attention by another childless-not-by-choice friend):

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." ~ Fr. Alfred D'Souza