A past pick of the Barren B*tches Book Tour -- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood -- has suddenly become a hot topic in Toronto this week.
A local parent filed a complaint with the Toronto District School Board after his son was assigned the novel to read in his Grade 12 class, prompting the board to review its suitability for inclusion on the curriculum.
The Toronto Star's Antonia Zerbiasias blogs about the issue and the Star's coverage here.
I really can't imagine there's anything about the sex, violence or language in the novel that any Grade 12 student doesn't already know. (I CAN imagine certain scenes & subjects provoking a lot of sniggers among the more immature students.) But I can also imagine some lively discussion on the serious issues it raises -- which, as we noted in our BBBT posts, are still as relevant today (perhaps even more so) as they were 25 years ago when Atwood wrote the novel.
Speaking of the BBBT -- the latest selection, Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination -- will be up for discussion early next week!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I'm Glowing in the Woods today...
Janis, one of the lovely Medusas at Glow in the Woods, asked me to guest post for her, as she is otherwise occupied with her beautiful new daughter! You can find my post -- about pregnancy loss & the perspective that the passage of time brings (or doesn't!) -- here.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Circle Time/Show & Tell: Me! 1st Christmas/Birthday
I love this photo -- my first studio portrait! It was taken by a photographer from my grandparents' small town in Minnesota -- the same photographer who did my parents' wedding portrait.It was taken in December 1961, just before my first Christmas and my first birthday. I remember seeing copies in both my grandparents' homes -- Christmas gifts, perhaps? I love that you can see a hand -- most likely my mother's -- on the seat of the chair in the lower right-hand corner -- just under my diaper-&-plastic-pants-clad butt, ready to catch me if should teeter on the chair.
And I love the little dress (it's baby blue -- which has long been my favourite colour. The dress I wore for my first day of grade one, and the dress I wore for my high school graduation, were both light blue as well). Several years ago, my mother gave me a bag full of baby clothes that my sister & I had worn -- post-Katie, but when we still hoped to have another child. This dress was in the bag. I knew that if we had a baby girl, I would have her wear it for her one-year portrait.
Tomorrow (January 12th) is my birthday -- my 48th birthday. My ttc years are fast fading into the past. (AF, however, continues to hang around & taunt me...!) I used to joke that I was following the example of my great-grandmother, who famously gave birth to her last child in 1923 at the then-positively-ancient age of 47 (no fertility drugs or donor eggs then!!). Having now been 47 for a whole year, I can't imagine how she did it (and she had five other children as well, ranging in age from 6 to 18!!). I get tired just thinking about it.
There is a certain relief in seeing this part of my life finally fading into the past -- getting closer to menopause and being done, really & truly done, with the whole thing -- although I'm sure my (in)fertility journey will continue to make its impact felt for the rest of my life.
Birthdays aren't quite what they used to be when I was younger -- or what they would be if we had a child around, I'm sure -- but they're still a good excuse for indulgence. ; ) Dh took me shopping this afternoon, & we're going out for steaks tomorrow night after work. There has to be some compensation for growing older, right??
For more of this week's Show & Tell, hop on over to the Stirrup Queen's blog.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Some good reading
A couple of recent articles & sites of interest, especially if you live in Ontario:
- A recent Toronto Star article about the provincial government's election province to fund infertility treatments, and the work of its expert panel, which I have blogged about previously, here. (As always, there are some interesting comments...!)
- The deadline to take part in the panel's online survey on infertility and adoption has been extended until next Monday, January 12, 2009. If you live in Ontario and infertility/adoption has touched your life, please take a few minutes to complete the survey, if you haven't done so already.
- The Infertility Awareness Association ofCanada (IAAC) is asking Ontario's infertile community to share their stories with the Ontario government and raise public awareness of this important issue before the expert panel issues its final report. They are hoping to collect more than 10,000 personal stories documenting the physical, emotional and financial impact of infertility in Ontario -- not just from those of us who suffer from infertility, but also our family members & friends.
- While on the IAAC site, I found this link to the website of an interesting initiative: Did you know that a new global initiative called the Assisted Conception Taskforce (ACT) has been formed to provide advice, guidance and information for couples who are having difficulty in achieving a pregnancy? ACT includes patient leaders and health professionals from more than 20 countries around the world who are aiming to (i) help those that are having difficulty achieving a pregnancy through the process and (ii) encourage clinics to endorse a charter outlining global principles of care.
- Today's Globe & Mail had an article about yoga for infertility. I did not start yoga until after I had abandoned treatment. I started taking a weekly class to try to help alleviate the anxiety attacks I began having after we decided to abandon treatment, following several failed IUI/injectable cycles. It was recommended as good stress relief by several sources, including the infertility counsellor we had consulted, and Alice Domar in several of her books. I obviously never got pregnant, but I have hugely enjoyed the classes I've taken anyway!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Glow in the Woods January 7x7
Some thought-provoking, holiday-related questions from the medusas at Glow in the Woods, along with my answers. Follow the link for more answers from other readers.
1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?
Left behind: a full decade of grief and loss and life in the aftermath of stillbirth.
Hoping to find: a greater degree of peace & serenity in my life, and a better sense of purpose as I edge closer towards my (eek) 50s.
2 We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally?
Katie's stillbirth was followed closely by the death of my grandfather, who was the personification of family Christmases for me. So the loss of the Christmases I had envisioned in the future became intertwined with the loss of the Christmases I had always known. In the gap between, a sort of hybrid celebration has sprung up... I cling to those memories of Christmases past, and there's enough surviving elements to be able to carry on as we always have, mingled with melancholy & longing for what once was and what will never be, again or ever.
3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?
Katie is ever-present for us during the holiday season. Her due date was in late November, and I've written before about how I had fantasized about watching the Toronto Santa Claus Parade from the hospital window with a baby in my arms. So I can never watch the parade now without that picture in my mind.
We attend our support group's annual candlelighting service.
We decorate Katie's niche at the cemetery.
I usually manage to work in a reference to Katie in our annual holiday letter, and our Christmas card usually features something Katie-related (Classic Pooh, angels, etc.).
Our tree is covered in teddy bear angels, Classic Pooh ornaments, and hand-knit baby booties, in tribute to our little girl.
4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?
All of them. At GITW, Niobe said, "On almost every holiday and holy day, I realize how alone I truly am" and I thought, "Yes!!" I always find myself bristling at the suggestion that "Christmas is for kids," etc. -- and yet, I have to admit, there is some truth to it. Dh & I often find ourselves very much alone on most holidays during the year. Christmas we do spend with my family, but they live far away, & his brother & father are often busy with inlaws and stepfamilies. So for Easter, Thanksgiving, etc., we are often at loose ends. While the moms I know bustle around & chatter about colouring Easter eggs & designing Halloween costumes, I remain silent. I had looked forward to doing these things with my children... and dh & I do some traditional things (e.g., we always carve a Halloween pumpkin), but they aren't vested with quite the same anticipation or enthusiasm as they would be if we had a 10-year-old around.
5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?
We have several rituals we usually carry out for August 7th. In most years past, I have published an "In Memoriam" in the local newspaper (although I'm debating whether I'll do it every year, now that 10 years have passed). We make a donation to our pregnancy loss support group. I take the day off work, if it's a work day, and go through Katie's box of things. We take pink roses to the cemetery. And we order in Chinese food for dinner, in remembrance of what we did the night we arrived home from the hospital.
6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?
I grew up on the Canadian Prairies, so Christmas (or my birthday) doesn't seem quite the same without snow (lots of snow!) around. Those first few snowfalls can be magical. And I love Christmas -- the music, the lights, the decorations, the party clothes, the traditions (the food!!), the generosity.
But -- while I can enjoy, or at least put up with winter, over Christmas and through my birthday season, by February, I've had enough. The Toronto area can be kind of grey & slushy during the winter, which I find terribly depressing. I get lots of jokes about my home province & how cold it is, but, honestly? I often find it preferable. Back "home," the sun is usually shining (even if it IS minus 30C outside -- without the windchill factored in...!), & (outside the city, at least) things are white and sparkly, and the snow crunches underfoot -- a sound I miss.
Also, while I love Christmas -- the IDEA of Christmas -- the reality is (a) linked so closely to my daughter, it can't help but be tinged with some sadness, and (b) it's year-end at work, so I don't usually have the time to enjoy it and take everything in the way I would like to. Sigh.
7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?
By leaning on my dh. And on my friends, especially those I've made through my IRL support group and online forums. By writing. By being really good to myself. By taking yoga classes (helps me keep the anxiety at bay... sometimes...!). By realizing that many women have trod this path before me, and eventually, I will find my own way too. By realizing that I am a person of value and worth, no matter what my reproductive capabilities (& if others can't see that, well then, too darned bad). And that I am a mother, just not to a child here on this earth.
1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?
Left behind: a full decade of grief and loss and life in the aftermath of stillbirth.
Hoping to find: a greater degree of peace & serenity in my life, and a better sense of purpose as I edge closer towards my (eek) 50s.
2 We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally?
Katie's stillbirth was followed closely by the death of my grandfather, who was the personification of family Christmases for me. So the loss of the Christmases I had envisioned in the future became intertwined with the loss of the Christmases I had always known. In the gap between, a sort of hybrid celebration has sprung up... I cling to those memories of Christmases past, and there's enough surviving elements to be able to carry on as we always have, mingled with melancholy & longing for what once was and what will never be, again or ever.
3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?
Katie is ever-present for us during the holiday season. Her due date was in late November, and I've written before about how I had fantasized about watching the Toronto Santa Claus Parade from the hospital window with a baby in my arms. So I can never watch the parade now without that picture in my mind.
We attend our support group's annual candlelighting service.
We decorate Katie's niche at the cemetery.
I usually manage to work in a reference to Katie in our annual holiday letter, and our Christmas card usually features something Katie-related (Classic Pooh, angels, etc.).
Our tree is covered in teddy bear angels, Classic Pooh ornaments, and hand-knit baby booties, in tribute to our little girl.
4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?
All of them. At GITW, Niobe said, "On almost every holiday and holy day, I realize how alone I truly am" and I thought, "Yes!!" I always find myself bristling at the suggestion that "Christmas is for kids," etc. -- and yet, I have to admit, there is some truth to it. Dh & I often find ourselves very much alone on most holidays during the year. Christmas we do spend with my family, but they live far away, & his brother & father are often busy with inlaws and stepfamilies. So for Easter, Thanksgiving, etc., we are often at loose ends. While the moms I know bustle around & chatter about colouring Easter eggs & designing Halloween costumes, I remain silent. I had looked forward to doing these things with my children... and dh & I do some traditional things (e.g., we always carve a Halloween pumpkin), but they aren't vested with quite the same anticipation or enthusiasm as they would be if we had a 10-year-old around.
5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?
We have several rituals we usually carry out for August 7th. In most years past, I have published an "In Memoriam" in the local newspaper (although I'm debating whether I'll do it every year, now that 10 years have passed). We make a donation to our pregnancy loss support group. I take the day off work, if it's a work day, and go through Katie's box of things. We take pink roses to the cemetery. And we order in Chinese food for dinner, in remembrance of what we did the night we arrived home from the hospital.
6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?
I grew up on the Canadian Prairies, so Christmas (or my birthday) doesn't seem quite the same without snow (lots of snow!) around. Those first few snowfalls can be magical. And I love Christmas -- the music, the lights, the decorations, the party clothes, the traditions (the food!!), the generosity.
But -- while I can enjoy, or at least put up with winter, over Christmas and through my birthday season, by February, I've had enough. The Toronto area can be kind of grey & slushy during the winter, which I find terribly depressing. I get lots of jokes about my home province & how cold it is, but, honestly? I often find it preferable. Back "home," the sun is usually shining (even if it IS minus 30C outside -- without the windchill factored in...!), & (outside the city, at least) things are white and sparkly, and the snow crunches underfoot -- a sound I miss.
Also, while I love Christmas -- the IDEA of Christmas -- the reality is (a) linked so closely to my daughter, it can't help but be tinged with some sadness, and (b) it's year-end at work, so I don't usually have the time to enjoy it and take everything in the way I would like to. Sigh.
7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?
By leaning on my dh. And on my friends, especially those I've made through my IRL support group and online forums. By writing. By being really good to myself. By taking yoga classes (helps me keep the anxiety at bay... sometimes...!). By realizing that many women have trod this path before me, and eventually, I will find my own way too. By realizing that I am a person of value and worth, no matter what my reproductive capabilities (& if others can't see that, well then, too darned bad). And that I am a mother, just not to a child here on this earth.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Odds & ends from the holidays...
A few bits & pieces from the past few weeks that had me thinking, "I should write about that...":
*** *** ***
Formerly pg coworker, now on mat leave, brought her baby (born mid-September) in to the office to meet everyone, a few weeks before Christmas. Lots of oohing & ahhing, of course. I actually found myself wanting to see this baby (& I was fine, so long as I didn't think about it too much as it was happening), & so hung around until she arrived.
She was very cute (of course). I got to hold her for awhile, bouncing back & forth from one leg to another while patting the baby on the rump, & she curled up against me & fell asleep. : ) It was actually kind of nice to be holding a baby amid a group of people, all but one of whom had no clue about my reproductive history -- I could enjoy the baby without feeling overly self-conscious, wondering what they were thinking about, seeing me with a baby (are they feeling sorry for me? are they wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant again? do they think I'm a psycho stillbirth mother who's going to take off with her??)(!!).
When I handed her over to another coworker (not wanting to hog her completely), she opened one eye & glared, lol -- I guess she was feeling pretty comfortable with me. And that made me feel good. : )
*** *** ***
At a divisionwide holiday event just prior to Christmas, I ran into a woman I've known almost as long as I've been with the company, but hadn't seen in almost 10 years, since she changed jobs & moved to another location in another part of the city. I used to attend an annual dinner that she was in charge of organizing, & since she lives in the same suburb as me (same subdivision, in fact!), we often used to travel home from it together.
The last time I saw her was on Mother's Day, a year or so post-stillbirth. Dh & I decided to escape the hoopla by going to an afternoon matinee, & she, her husband & two then-teenaged daughters sat in front of us.
I asked her about her daughters &, after telling me what they were doing, there was a pause & then she said, "So, any kids?" (I guess I asked for it by bringing up the subject, didn't I?) "No," I said, with a smile frozen on my face. "No?" she said, looking slightly puzzled. (I wondered whether she'd heard I was pregnant & had a vague memory of it.) "No," I said, and in the extremely awkward pause that followed, I added helpfully, "It's a part of my life that just didn't work out as planned."
Mercifully, that changed the subject, we soon moved on to talk to other people and, as it was a very busy day for me, I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. I haven't had an encounter like that for quite some time, though, & I'd forgotten how damned awkward it can be. Funny, though, I think she was more traumatized by it than I was.
*** *** ***
I mentioned in a recent post that we went to see my parents' neighbours' grandson over the holidays. Afterwards, I had a weird dream about breastfeeding a baby boy. I'm presuming he was mine (!). I don't recall much about the dream, just that I was breastfeeding & the baby took to it like a duck to water, much to my relief.
*** *** ***
Pamela Jeanne recently wrote a great post about holiday photo cards. I don't entirely mind them -- although, as I said in my comment to her, it would be nice to receive one of the entire family now & then -- I have friends that I haven't "seen" in 20 years!! Of course, most of the photos we get these days aren't of babies any more, which makes it slightly easier. In fact, the annual onslaught of photo cards & holiday letters reminded me that four of my oldest friends from growing up (grade school & high school) now have kids in university. Gulp.
*** *** ***
Formerly pg coworker, now on mat leave, brought her baby (born mid-September) in to the office to meet everyone, a few weeks before Christmas. Lots of oohing & ahhing, of course. I actually found myself wanting to see this baby (& I was fine, so long as I didn't think about it too much as it was happening), & so hung around until she arrived.
She was very cute (of course). I got to hold her for awhile, bouncing back & forth from one leg to another while patting the baby on the rump, & she curled up against me & fell asleep. : ) It was actually kind of nice to be holding a baby amid a group of people, all but one of whom had no clue about my reproductive history -- I could enjoy the baby without feeling overly self-conscious, wondering what they were thinking about, seeing me with a baby (are they feeling sorry for me? are they wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant again? do they think I'm a psycho stillbirth mother who's going to take off with her??)(!!).
When I handed her over to another coworker (not wanting to hog her completely), she opened one eye & glared, lol -- I guess she was feeling pretty comfortable with me. And that made me feel good. : )
*** *** ***
At a divisionwide holiday event just prior to Christmas, I ran into a woman I've known almost as long as I've been with the company, but hadn't seen in almost 10 years, since she changed jobs & moved to another location in another part of the city. I used to attend an annual dinner that she was in charge of organizing, & since she lives in the same suburb as me (same subdivision, in fact!), we often used to travel home from it together.
The last time I saw her was on Mother's Day, a year or so post-stillbirth. Dh & I decided to escape the hoopla by going to an afternoon matinee, & she, her husband & two then-teenaged daughters sat in front of us.
I asked her about her daughters &, after telling me what they were doing, there was a pause & then she said, "So, any kids?" (I guess I asked for it by bringing up the subject, didn't I?) "No," I said, with a smile frozen on my face. "No?" she said, looking slightly puzzled. (I wondered whether she'd heard I was pregnant & had a vague memory of it.) "No," I said, and in the extremely awkward pause that followed, I added helpfully, "It's a part of my life that just didn't work out as planned."
Mercifully, that changed the subject, we soon moved on to talk to other people and, as it was a very busy day for me, I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. I haven't had an encounter like that for quite some time, though, & I'd forgotten how damned awkward it can be. Funny, though, I think she was more traumatized by it than I was.
*** *** ***
I mentioned in a recent post that we went to see my parents' neighbours' grandson over the holidays. Afterwards, I had a weird dream about breastfeeding a baby boy. I'm presuming he was mine (!). I don't recall much about the dream, just that I was breastfeeding & the baby took to it like a duck to water, much to my relief.
*** *** ***
Pamela Jeanne recently wrote a great post about holiday photo cards. I don't entirely mind them -- although, as I said in my comment to her, it would be nice to receive one of the entire family now & then -- I have friends that I haven't "seen" in 20 years!! Of course, most of the photos we get these days aren't of babies any more, which makes it slightly easier. In fact, the annual onslaught of photo cards & holiday letters reminded me that four of my oldest friends from growing up (grade school & high school) now have kids in university. Gulp.
New Year's resolutions
Everyone asks whether I've made my list of NY resolutions yet. I always say that I don't have to make a list, because I've made the same ones for so many years now, I don't need to write them down. But for what it's worth, here they are (again...!):
My vacation (which began Dec. 19th) is drawing to an end (bah, humbug...). Back to work on Monday!
- Lose weight. (sigh)
- Exercise more. (And hopefully lose more weight...!)
- Write more in my journal. (However, I think blogging & message boards have superceded my paper journal...)
- Read more of the books that have piled up around the house.
- Tackle some of the clutter that never seems to go away.
- Get our passports, & get travelling!!
- Finally do something with the spare bedroom that was to have been the nursery (get new furniture & linens to replace the old castoffs).
- Set aside the nephews' scrapbooks for awhile, & start a scrapbook for dh & me (that will hopefully be finished in time for our 25th anniversary in 2010). And maybe (finally) start Katie's, too.
My vacation (which began Dec. 19th) is drawing to an end (bah, humbug...). Back to work on Monday!
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