"Surprise?"

So last night just before 10, I was half asleep on the couch, laptop in my lap, when a "ping" alerted me to an incoming e-mail.

It was from a Canadian pregnancy and parenting magazine -- which, for obvious reasons, I haven't touched for years.

"Your Pregnancy: Week 5: Taking Care of You." it read.

WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I said to dh "What the...??!!!" and showed him the e-mail.  

"Umm, is there something you're not telling me?" he said.  

"I'm almost 52 years old, with not exactly a stellar track record in these matters. What do YOU think??" 

The first line of the e-mail reads, "Still trying to process the fact that you're pregnant?" And a little below, a section that reads:  "Surprise?... If your pregnancy was planned, you're probably feeling overjoyed right now. If, however, you were taken by surprise by that plus sign on the pregnancy test, you probably have some mixed emotions right now. You're not alone."

Needless to say, "surprise" doesn't even BEGIN to describe what I was feeling at that moment. Was someone playing a cruel joke on me?

I thought about sending a return e-mail saying, "You are barking up the WRONG tree, people!" Instead, I just clicked on the "unsubscribe" button and went to bed, shaking my head.

Then, this afternoon, I logged into Facebook -- and there was one of my ALI friends posting that SHE had received the exact same e-mail. Many of her friends chimed in that they, too, had received an e-mail, and that, if the buzz on Twitter was any indication, half the female population of Canada had too.  

There is nothing about it on the magazine's website at the moment -- but they did post an apology on their Facebook page, saying they are trying to get to the bottom of what happened. Some people think it's hilarious -- but not surprisingly, there are also quite a few people who are (quite rightly) pissed off, many of them mentioning infertility & miscarriages, and many wondering how the heck their names got on this particular mailing list. I'm guessing it's either some weird technical glitch, or some hacker's idea of a practical joke.

But it's comforting to know I wasn't the only one.

A blog post of sorts ; )

The date of my last post looms large and reproachful whenever I open up my blog -- and unread posts continue to pile up in my Google Reader. I open a "new post" window & stare at it and nothing comes. Even if I have ideas, I don't seem have the energy to get them out & onto the screen.

Time just seem to whiz by these days. I'm not exactly sure what I've been doing besides blogging. Working (most definitely -- busy year end season has begun :p). Some great progress on the genealogy front, in collaboration with cousins in the States and Scotland -- some great detective work among us, all made possible by the Internet!  Skyping with my mother. Entertaining my aunties, who were visiting my cousin, who lives nearby. Helping dh coach our nephew through a rough patch at university.  Feeding my inner political junkie by staying up WAY too late watching political conventions, several nights in a row, then scouring the online newspapers and blogs the next day to see what's being said (& how -- marvelling over the clever turns of phrase some columnists manage to come up with -- on deadline!!).  Finishing off a book that I started while on vacation (which seems like eons ago already).  I do have a post in the works, reviewing my vacation reads. Eventually, it will get done...!

Actually, two cool things happened this week that I'd like to write about. First, I went to an event sponsored by my company's employee Pride group -- a panel discussion about how to be an ally to the LGBT community. The panellists included three of our executives and a special guest, Brian Burke, general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. He was blunt, profane, funny and touching.  Burke admitted that he's an unlikely ally and never thought he would find himself in this spot. Like most of us, what made the difference for him was someone he knew -- in his case, his son Brendan, who came out to his father and then to the world before he was killed in a car accident in 2010 at age 21. Since then, both Burke & another son, Patrick, have become high-profile supporters of organizations such as PFLAG and anti-bullying initiatives.  Patrick has cofounded the You Can Play project, which has been supported by athletes from all four professional sports leagues.

Someone asked Burke if he does a lot of speaking to students. He said he's visited about half a dozen schools, but admitted, "I don't like doing it, because I have to talk about my son, and then I feel s***y for a long time afterwards."  As a fellow bereaved parent, my heart went out to the man, because I knew exactly what he meant. It can be so difficult -- and exhausting -- to dredge up the pain, even if it is for a good cause -- nevermind in front of a couple hundred kids who might not understand what it means to lose a child. 

The other cool thing was Friday at lunchtime, the city of Toronto held a parade for the Canadian Olympic team members, who recently returned from the London Games. The parade went right past my building, so I couldn't resist popping downstairs to watch it pass (I even remembered to bring my camera!), and I am glad I did. The athletes looked like they were having a blast (several of them had their own cameras, filming the crowds as the crowd snapped pictures of them) and it was fun to see so many people lining both sides of the street, waving Canadian flags and cheering as they passed (including lots of parents with young children).  As they passed, I recognized the legendary Clara Hughes (who can miss that smile?), gold medallist Rosie MacLennan & Karen Cockburn, Simon Whitfield & Paula Findlay, Alex Despatie (eye candy, lol), Adam van Koeverden (ditto), the women's eights rowing team, and chef de mission Mark Tewksbury & assistant Sylvie Bernier, bringing up the rear. It was a nice way to kick off the weekend. : )  

(I guess that wasn't so hard after all.) ; )

Splish splash ; )

 

 

Another great Facebook find sent to me by my friend... of course, puddles aren't always a negative thing. Whenever I see a puddle, I have the irresistable urge to find a pair of rubber boots & splash around in it like I did when I was a kid.  : )

High school (!)

Msfitzita had a great post this week about Thomas's first day of Grade 2.  Entirely theoretical, of course, since her Thomas, like my Katie, never has and never will set foot inside a school. I could so relate to her words: 

"Back to school pictures, which began popping up on Facebook back in mid August as children of my American friends headed back, reached their agonizing peak this week. The annual assault... It was wearying...  I don't tell people that eleventy-billion milestone pictures coming at me for two solid weeks eventually starts to erode the stitches holding my heart together."

I wrote once before on this blog about how I can take it and take it and take it, and then, like raindrops eventually start to erode stone, my brave face starts to crumble. As I commented to Msfitzita, I don't mind the odd photo here & there... I don't want my friends to feel they have to hide their kids from me... but day after day, to read update after update & see picture after picture (and entire Facebook album after album of back to school pictures)(and they are STILL being posted...)... to read thread after message board thread and hear conversation after conversation focused on back to school stuff... it IS wearying to deal with -- still, even 14 years on.

I had already recognized, as I wrote a few posts ago, that this year (being Katie's first year of Grade 9 = high school hereabouts) might be a hard one for me. I welcomed our end-of-August vacation as one way to avoid dealing with the subject.

But a Monday (Labour Day) morning visit to the cemetery had tears rolling down my face. I had a hard time getting ready for work on Tuesday.. and I had to gulp back tears again as we drove to the commuter train station.

You see, our route takes us right past the high school Katie would have been attending -- would have been heading to that morning for the very first time (albeit not as early as we were driving by...!). And of course, the big sign out front that morning read, "Welcome Grade 9 students." For the next four years, I won't have to guess what Katie might have been doing at school. It will all be there for me to read on that sign -- report cards, pictures, exams, fundraisers, school holiday dates and early dismissals, drama productions -- all announced to the community via the sign outside. From now on, the kids we see hanging around outside and walking home in the late afternoon, won't just be any old kids -- they will be Katie's peers -- schoolmates and classmates and might-have-been friends.

I mentioned on Facebook to a few old friends from my pg loss support group, while complementing the back-to-school photos of their kids, that Katie would have been in Grade 9 & I was having a hard time with it. I guess I was fishing for support from people I knew would "get it." Thankfully, they did.

But as Msfitzita points out in her post, it would have been nice not to have to go on a fishing expedition -- to have someone remember and recognize that it might have been a difficult day for me.

When the going gets tough... the tough get going

A (childless not by choice) friend sent this to me on Facebook, with my blog in mind. : ) Isn't it great??

Sometimes it's hard to believe, I know... when I started off down this road less travelled 11 years ago, I didn't know exactly what I would find. I hoped and believed that, because my husband & I had had a good life up until that point as a family of two, that we could still have a good life in the years ahead, even if things hadn't turned out exactly the way we had planned.

And while there have been bad days (and weeks... and months...) -- there HAVE been good things down the road. 

And I hope there will be more as we keep on walking,

The dog days

• The last days of August are traditionally known as the "dog days" of summer, before fall kicks in. (It could also be interpreted literally.... my parents' neighbours have an adorable new puppy.) Reminder to self: I have been meaning to write a post on pets...
• Thank you to Neeroc, who left a comment on my last post wondering how I've been doing and whether I was OK. Hard to believe it's been almost three weeks since my last post, one of my longest silences on this blog since it began, if not THE longest. Sorry! :p  I honestly can't wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow it will be SEPTEMBER. Erk.
• My excuse:  I've been on vacation the last two weeks (& running around getting ready for vacation before that).  Traditional summer visit with my mom & dad, albeit later in the summer than we usually go. Our visit is winding down, and I'm feeling a little sad about leaving (not to mention the prospect of returning to work and to the daily grind -- particularly since fall is traditionally our busiest time at the office :p).
• We have mostly been extraordinarily lazy (which is exactly what we wanted) -- done a lot of reading (book reviews to come)  and eating ; ) and been royally entertained almost every day of our visit by The Princess (Parents' Neighbours' Granddaughter).  All activity basically comes to a standstill when she arrives.
• One reason why I haven't been blogging (or reading or commenting) as much as normal while I've been here (besides just being busy with other stuff, including The Princess) is my parents only have "high speed lite" Internet service. It's perfectly fine for them, of course -- but anyone used to normal high-speed Internet (i.e., me) would (and does) find it incredibly frustrating sometimes. And of course, when you get my mom on her netbook, me on my laptop, my sister & her boyfriend on theirs, all using up precious bandwidth... Forget trying to watch any video clip -- it stops & starts every 20 seconds. Maddening.
• I've also discovered that while I can receive e-mails through my Outlook program, I can't SEND them. Which left me bouncing back & forth between receiving e-mails on Outlook & responding via a little-used gmail account. Also maddening.
• It's political convention season in the U.S.  At one time, I was a huge political junkie (one of my double honours subjects at university was political science) and lapped this stuff up. I still follow current events to some extent,and I do like scanning the opinion pieces on Salon, the NY Times, etc., but I find I just don't have the stomach to watch a lot of this stuff anymore (no matter which party we're talking about -- or country -- U.S. or Canada).  
• I would, however, like to draw your attention to two blog posts by (of all people), the parenting blogger at Huffington Post (formerly of the New York Times), Lisa Belkin, who wrote kick-ass responses to Ann and Mitt Romney's speeches and particularly their repeated fawning references to "moms." 
• On another non-mom related note, the wonderful Mrs. Spit has put together a beautifully written Q&A about childfree living that is now available on her blog. Here's a link to the post where she introduces her list. Go have a read. And leave her a note of thanks while you're at it.
• All around me, conversations, TV & newspaper ads, stores, etc., are revolving around the subject of "back to school."  It's unavoidable, and I can't (or perhaps, don't want to) decide how I feel about it all this year. It is almost 30 years since that phrase had any personal meaning for me.  For the past 14 years, of course, it's all been about Katie and what she would have been doing -- and, as with most Katie-related milestones, some years have been more difficult (or easier) than others/than expected.  I have a feeling this might be one of the harder years, if I let myself think about it too much. So I'm trying not to.
• For the record, she would have been starting Grade 9 this fall. Hereabouts, that means she would be starting high school. HIGH SCHOOL, people. Gulp.
• So, how has your summer been? (Besides too short, of course!)

Life's a banquet

I'm not sure what got me thinking about "Auntie Mame" the other day.  I found myself mentally going through a list of strong childless/free women -- and suddenly Mame appeared at the top of the staircase in my mind, cigarette holder in one hand & martini glass in the other.

I can't remember whether I read the 1955 novel by Patrick Dennis first or saw the movie musical with Lucille Ball as Mame (and Bea Arthur -- Maude, as we knew her then -- hilarious as her best buddy, the perpetually hungover actress Vera Charles). (I do remember that I was about 13 & going into Grade 8 -- we had recently moved to a new town, and that was one of the first movies my mother, sister & I went to see in a rickety old theatre on the main street, which burned down shortly afterward).  I later saw the Rosalind Russell non-musical movie from 1958, as well as the musical onstage in a local summer theatre production.

The story of "Auntie Mame" begins as Mame's recently orphaned young nephew, Patrick, arrives at her Manhattan townhouse in the middle of a wild party -- this being the 1920s era of flappers, bathtub gin, speakeasies and the like. The freespirited Mame is completely unprepared for the responsibility of bringing up a child, and has some highly unconventional ideas about how to do it -- but of course, he turns out just fine in the end and makes her very proud.

I loved Mame in all her incarnations -- and most especially the lesser-known sequel to the book, "Around the World with Auntie Mame," which I discovered in the library when I was in junior high and read over & over & over again. Mame takes her nephew Patrick on a tour of Europe prior to sending him off to college, and each chapter details a new adventure in a different country.  I haven't read the book in at least 30 years (although I bought a copy a few years ago through Amazon), and I'm sure parts of it would be considered highly politically incorrect these days -- but I just remember it as screamingly funny, and wondered why nobody had ever made a movie out of it, too.

Now, I am nothing like Mame -- I'm far too conventional -- but I do adore my two nephews.  And you have to love someone whose motto is "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." Sometimes, I think we need to be reminded of that -- both about how fortunate we are, compared to so many others out there, and about the banquet of experiences out there, just waiting to be sampled. What are we waiting for?