Sunday, November 13, 2011

Bad mommy :(

I had almost forgotten. I'd been so busy, at work, with the (ahem) events of last weekend, a day off on Friday & cleaning house all day yesterday. Friday & Saturday were gloriously clear & sunny and mild, totally unlike November, which is always grey & dull & dreary in my mind.

But then we stopped off at the cemetery late yesterday afternoon, en route to dinner, as we often do on weekends. And as we got closer, it struck me anew: tomorrow (Monday, November 14th) is Katie's due date. The first one of several I was given, anyway, which is always the one I tend to think about.

She would have been 13 years old this month. In a more perfect universe, I would not have been lolling on the couch all long weekend long, reading my book & catching up on blogs. I would have been planning and hosting a birthday party. For my TEENAGER.

I rarely cry at the cemetery these days, but I shed some tears yesterday, and I've been feeling guilty ever since.

And I've been bracing myself. So far, November hasn't been too bad, but I know from past experience that that is likely to change, as the month wears on, the early darkness envelops me more, and the year-end frenzy continues at the office. I don't think I've missed an annual "I hate November" post yet. ; )

And also because I know what's coming tomorrow. My grandmother-to-be coworker was throwing a baby shower for her daughter this weekend -- took the last few days off to get ready (!). And not only that, but another coworker -- young (26), idealistic, unmarried -- was hosting a baby shower for her best friend on the same day. There's already been lots of shower talk -- what games to play, what decorations to make, etc., etc. -- and I know that will be the prime subject of conversation tomorrow morning.

And of course, it HAS to be TOMORROW morning. :p Such is my lot in life, it seem. :p I feel the first hint of the November blahs settling upon me...


  1. Ugh...the coming of winter always brings out the sadness.

    The wife of my coworker is due anyday now; and I do believe another coworker may be pregnant (in an office of 8...this is hard to take).

  2. Oof, that is hard. A teenager. Must be so difficult to wrap your head around.
    All my love to you. Katie is remembered.

  3. LB, don't be so hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your life, enjoying your days, living in the moment. And there's nothing wrong about having a crappy month either. I'm praying the universe treats you gently this month, and please treat yourself too.

  4. I just have to say, I am so SOOO glad we don't do the baby shower things in NZ.

    If I were you, I'd look at avoiding work around these days. Can you work at home for the day? Can you absent yourself at least for the timing of the shower conversations? (Likely to be first thing in the morning I assume).

    Also, I'm not sure why you're feeling guilty - for shedding tears, or for not remembering earlier? You feel how you feel. There's no guilt in that.

    I'm hoping that tomorrow - and the rest of November - passes as peacefully for you as possible.

    (Breaking all commenting rules)

  5. Sorry for the sadness of November. We've been having unusually warm and sunny days here, but I know when the first cold front rolls in, it will bring a lot of sadness with it.

    And the co-worker baby showers timing is just plain crappy. Wishing you busy days that pass quickly, and other little things to look forward to.

    Remembering Katie with you.

  6. Sending love and hoping that you have some gentle moments coming your way. Remembering Katie.

  7. Thinking of you and Katie right now.

    I beg to differ with your post's title. I know that Katie is always ALWAYS on your mind and in your heart. And that you are good in all ways.

    XOXO for today, and for the rest of November.

  8. Hugs Lori...a difficult day no matter what's going on.

  9. Oh LoriBeth...I felt so sad reading that you felt guilty. I know it can be so hard sometimes. I hold you in my gently in my heart.

  10. I've been reading your blog past year or so, and must say each post, every line rips my heart apart. I cry so loud I think Katie would hear me too. KAtie will know how much her mom loved her, wherever she is. I;m and will always be at loss of words for what I feel for you... I don't think I've the stamina to face life the way you do. You're really brave, and a very, very good mommy!