Saturday, January 3, 2009

Odds & ends from the holidays...

A few bits & pieces from the past few weeks that had me thinking, "I should write about that...":


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Formerly pg coworker, now on mat leave, brought her baby (born mid-September) in to the office to meet everyone, a few weeks before Christmas. Lots of oohing & ahhing, of course. I actually found myself wanting to see this baby (& I was fine, so long as I didn't think about it too much as it was happening), & so hung around until she arrived.

She was very cute (of course). I got to hold her for awhile, bouncing back & forth from one leg to another while patting the baby on the rump, & she curled up against me & fell asleep. : ) It was actually kind of nice to be holding a baby amid a group of people, all but one of whom had no clue about my reproductive history -- I could enjoy the baby without feeling overly self-conscious, wondering what they were thinking about, seeing me with a baby (are they feeling sorry for me? are they wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant again? do they think I'm a psycho stillbirth mother who's going to take off with her??)(!!).

When I handed her over to another coworker (not wanting to hog her completely), she opened one eye & glared, lol -- I guess she was feeling pretty comfortable with me. And that made me feel good. : )

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At a divisionwide holiday event just prior to Christmas, I ran into a woman I've known almost as long as I've been with the company, but hadn't seen in almost 10 years, since she changed jobs & moved to another location in another part of the city. I used to attend an annual dinner that she was in charge of organizing, & since she lives in the same suburb as me (same subdivision, in fact!), we often used to travel home from it together.

The last time I saw her was on Mother's Day, a year or so post-stillbirth. Dh & I decided to escape the hoopla by going to an afternoon matinee, & she, her husband & two then-teenaged daughters sat in front of us.


I asked her about her daughters &, after telling me what they were doing, there was a pause & then she said, "So, any kids?" (I guess I asked for it by bringing up the subject, didn't I?) "No," I said, with a smile frozen on my face. "No?" she said, looking slightly puzzled. (I wondered whether she'd heard I was pregnant & had a vague memory of it.) "No," I said, and in the extremely awkward pause that followed, I added helpfully, "It's a part of my life that just didn't work out as planned."

Mercifully, that changed the subject, we soon moved on to talk to other people and, as it was a very busy day for me, I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. I haven't had an encounter like that for quite some time, though, & I'd forgotten how damned awkward it can be. Funny, though, I think she was more traumatized by it than I was.

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I mentioned in a recent post that we went to see my parents' neighbours' grandson over the holidays. Afterwards, I had a weird dream about breastfeeding a baby boy. I'm presuming he was mine (!). I don't recall much about the dream, just that I was breastfeeding & the baby took to it like a duck to water, much to my relief.

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Pamela Jeanne recently wrote a great post about holiday photo cards. I don't entirely mind them -- although, as I said in my comment to her, it would be nice to receive one of the entire family now & then -- I have friends that I haven't "seen" in 20 years!! Of course, most of the photos we get these days aren't of babies any more, which makes it slightly easier. In fact, the annual onslaught of photo cards & holiday letters reminded me that four of my oldest friends from growing up (grade school & high school) now have kids in university. Gulp.

7 comments:

  1. I absolutely love your line that "it's a part of my life that didn't work out as planned." I may have to adapt that to fit my own current situation and stick it in my back pocket as an alternative to my other stock answers. Perfect!

    Glad that little baby snuggled right in and you got to enjoy it!

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  2. so, it just takes 10 years to be able to hold a baby? great.

    glad you did it and you must have been calm or he wouldn't ave been so relaxed with you!

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  3. Ya Chun, this wasn't the first baby I've held in 10 years (& it was a she, not a he). I still can find it hard sometimes, though -- especially in large groups & family situations, where people know what happened & I feel like they are "watching" me. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than holding a baby whose parents are friends/former clients of our pg loss support group, though!

    It did take me six months to hold a baby after Katie -- it was our next door neighbour's new baby girl. I picked the day (that was important to me, rather than having a baby thrust upon me) & went over there with a gift for the new baby, & the mom asked if I wanted to hold her. It was just the three of us, & I survived! She'll be 10 years old in April.

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  4. I love your line also. just perfect.

    I also hate that self conscious feeling of pity or judgment or fear I'll steal their baby. just another reason to avoid it sometimes!

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  5. I hate that feeling as well and generally try not to hold babies in front of anyone. That said, I have held my 8 month old nephew, but I usually leave whatever room people are in and go to an empty one by ourselves. It's so weird that we feel self-conscious about this, but I assume everyone is just pitying me if I don't. And I don't want pity.

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  6. I've only recently been able to hold a baby -- and that was a few months ago, the first in nearly five years due to avoidance. sigh. who knew the effects of IF would be so pervasive. Just now getting my life back.

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  7. Hi. I've only just found your blog. I'm in similar circumstances to you. Your comment about feeling self-conscious really spoke to me. I felt like that before I tried to conceive, for other reasons, and of course still do now. It's starting to fade though. I think we are so more aware of our situation than others.

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