Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Odds & ends...

The dreaded M-Day (this year featuring a new form of torment & indignity -- a baptism to attend!!) is fast approaching. This will be my 10th M-Day as a babylost mama. Most of the time I do pretty well, I think... but M-Day still has the power to make me want to hide under the covers (not possible this year). I can't wait to get the hype over with.

I told dh last night that I had discussed my feelings about M-Day & the baptism with the employee assistance program counsellor I've been seeing. (Infertility & babyloss issues aside, I'm also a little nervous about the post-ceremony luncheon, at a local Italian restaurant, because of the food reaction issues I've been having lately (no tomato sauce for me!) -- and especially since I will likely already be in an emotional/anxious state.) .

Normally, he is sympathetic & says exactly the right thing -- but this time, he suggested that it maybe it was time to try to move on & let go of some of these feelings (!) & try to enjoy the baptism (!!).

Dear, deluded dh -- HOW long have you known me?? And how long have we been living with the loss of our daughter, and infertility??

I told him I think I'm doing pretty well overall, thank you very much -- and I'm sure I will cope with the baptism nicely when the time comes -- but I reserve the right to be sad/pissed off on (& before, & after…) Mother's Day. I think I'm entitled. End of story. :p

As I wrote last year, my usual M-Day strategy is… avoidance, lol. However, this year, there's another alternative activity for any of you living in the Greater Toronto Area. An organization called Conceivable Dreams: The OHIP for IVF Coalition is sponsoring a Mother's Day "Pram Push." They're asking Ontario's infertile families and their friends to join in a march to promote infertility awareness (and the restoration of OHIP funding for IVF), beginning at 10 a.m. at Nathan Phillips Square, up University Avenue to Queen's Park.

I'm hoping this will generate some good press coverage. Hoping…

*** *** ***

Speaking of my food allergies… as per Dr. Allergist's suggestion, I have been taking a daily (non-drowsy, thank Gawd!) antihistamine for the past two weeks, to see if that helps "break the cycle" I was in. I'm to continuing taking it until I go back to see her in July. So far, so good. Mind you, I am still being careful -- we have yet to try going out to a restaurant for supper, & I am still avoiding all tomatoes & tomato products like the plague -- but I have been taking baby steps to expand my diet again, even venturing back to the company cafeteria for lunch now & then, when they're serving something I regard as relatively "safe" I've still noticed a wee bit of red or pink spots on my chin & throat from time to time after eating (sometimes before eating too, which I chalk up to stress/anxiety) -- but it's been very minimal/mild compared to what I had been experiencing. Yay!

*** *** ***

As I alluded in my post for Tertia's book shower, I am never at a loss for something to read (case in point: the piles (yes, plural) of unread books stacked by my bedroom night table, and more in the basement, where our IKEA bookshelves have overflowed onto the floor) -- and with several bloggers putting out books recently, my to-read piles just keep on growing. : )

Just as I was finishing Tertia's book, Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos (better known to ALI bloggers as Pamela Jeanne of Coming2Terms) arrived in the mail. I'm reading that one right now.

I'm (im)patiently waiting for Navigating the Land of IF by Melissa Ford (Stirrup Queen extraordinaire) to arrive -- I'm betting the copy I won from Julie at A Little Pregnant (yay!) will beat the copy I ordered through

I also picked up It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather Armstrong, better known on the Internet as Dooce. I had never heard of Dooce until several bloggers mentioned meeting her at last year's BlogHer conference in San Francisco. I checked out her blog & while she definitely falls into the category of mommyblogger (albeit one who's had her own struggles, with PPD), she is also hilarious & worth a read. (But be forewarned -- she is in the last few weeks of her second pregnancy at the moment.)

I have yet to start reading the next Barren B*tches Book Club selection, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, which we'll be discussing towards the end of this month.

I'm also trying to get to Angels & Demons by Dan Brown before seeing the movie (which opens next Friday, May 15th. And My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, and The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, which have also been adapted into movies, coming out this summer. Too many great books, too little time… (Of course, I'd probably have more time for more books if I could just tear myself away from the damned computer once in awhile…).

*** *** ***

Now that spring is here, kids are popping up like dandelions all over the neighbourhood, running up & down the street to & from each other's houses. Little Girl Next Door's trampoline is up, and almost every night, we arrive home to see a cluster of leggy little girls (there never seem to be less than three), all around the same age our daughter would have been (10), gleefully bouncing, shrieking and giggling.

One day I answered a knock on the door, & LGND was there with two of her friends. They were all dressed up, wearing crinolines and tiaras and smudgy gloss on their lips. They had dropped something over the side of the fence & were asking permission to go into our backyard to retrieve it.

I gave them a bemused smile & waved them on back, saying they didn't need to ask, to go ahead. And I shook my head as I closed the door.

She is getting so big.


  1. Wow, the last section was poignant. I can't imagine.

    I'm not experienced in the babyloss area, but I empathize (as very much as I can) about the conversation you had with DH. I think you have the right to be kind to yourself.

    Glad you seem to be controlling the food allergies. It's so hard to know what's IN everything, especially when we don't have time to make everything from scratch.

    I might attend the Pram Push, depending on a few things. (E.g., if a reporter comes out, I do not want my face on TV or in print.)

  2. Yep, avoidance is my method of choice for the upcoming day.

    I also had someone tell me recently that it is "time to let go" - meant in the kindest way possible, but i spent a full day crying over it.

    Sometimes this life sucks.

    I want to read some of those books, especially Pamela's. Haven't ordered any.

    I don't think my taking out a pram by myself in this very small, scattered community would do anything but mark me as odd! I'm ok being odd, but prefer to do it quietly if i'm on my own! I'm better odd in a group of odd, but i don't know anyone near me with this issue.

    I'll be keeping you in mind & prayers for the baptism.

  3. Oh, i forgot. I meant to ask, do you know about EFT, "Emotional Freedom Technique"? It might help with some of the anxiety you have coming for that day. And other issues too.

    You can Google it or email me.


  4. Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing the reading (like I didn't waste enough time on the internet already) and for the book suggestions. Damn MD - it's my first and I'm not digging it so much.

  5. Wow, you have quite a few books on your nightstand! I do, too -- quite a few IF-related books; I want to space them out and give them proper attention.

    I really liked The Time Traveler's Wife. In fact I was just explaining the plot to D. the other morning -- I don't think I did a very good job, because he didn't get it at all, and Nina looked quite bored too.

    Not that you need more babyloss books -- but Gilead by Maryanne Robinson is beautiful and amazing.

  6. I know rationally that I should be so over the Mother's Day thing, but my heart still clenches and unguided emotions trump any amount of logical thinking I could offer up in defense. I'll be thinking of you and sending you wishes for strength and peace of mind.

    p.s. Thanks for the shout out...hope you're still finding the book engaging.

  7. That last bullet slayed me. I can't imagine being constantly reminded as you are by your neighbor. Thinking of you!

  8. I'm so glad I stumbled on your blog. You have added many books to my list! Good luck with the upcoming M day. I usually try to avoid it as well but my mother is pushing me to visit her... we shall see.

  9. I love your choices of reading materials. I have a feeling we would be great book borrowing companions.

    Thinking of you this weekend, Loribeth.