Thursday, June 16, 2011

"Your dream will change... and that's okay"

If you haven't already, I urge you to read or watch Conan O'Brien's commencement address at Dartmouth from earlier this week. It's funny to read & even funnier to watch, if you have 25 minutes to spare/kill/waste. But he winds up with a serious message, and as I thought about it in relation to my own life, my pursuit of a family & my ultimate decision to remain childfree, I could recognize something of myself in his words.

Some excerpts:


In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years...

But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things... and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.

How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course....

But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay....

Not that I will ever consider losing Katie a good thing... but yes, it most certainly was a catalyst in my life, and nothing has been the same since then. Sometimes that's been good, sometimes it's been bad. But I survived. I'm still here.

My dreams today at 50 are different than they were when I was 20, or 30, or even 40. (Sometimes, I'm still trying to figure out what they are.) But as the guy said, that's okay. Thanks, Conan. : )

17 comments:

  1. This is fantastic. Thanks for sharing!

    I wish I could think of something more substantial to say than that, but I am still drinking this post in.

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  2. I love Conan and I love commencement addresses. And I am still struggling with change. Thanks for posting this.

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  3. Conan isn't really my cup of tea, but he's bang on with this advice, that's for sure. Change. We all have it. We all have to deal with it. Regardless of what life throws at us, we just have to handle it. I agree though: the quote should have involved drinking Chardonnay at 11 a.m.! That would have made much more sense!!

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  4. WOW! Awesome. And Im not a fan of Conan. I do think that he acted sorta silly with the whole battle with Jay Leno, but as honest as this is, he hit the nail on the head. Dreams change. I am JUST NOW realizing this myself. THANKS for sharing!

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  5. I haven't commented in a long time, but just want to say thank you for posting Conan's speech, and a big AMEN to the words he spoke. Isn't that the truth? Thank you.

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  6. I saw this earlier online. Funny stuff, but a very real message. I loved how he ended it about how your dreams will change, it was very poignant.

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  7. That's awesome Loribeth! Thank you for sharing! Our dreams certainly do change and I wish that I had realized and made peace sooner with the fact that it really can be okay, as Conan says.

    I have never been a huge fan of Conan. I don't dislike him at all, just haven't watched him much over the years. But I do think that in addition to being funny he has some really inspiring and profound thoughts to share.

    I watched the last episode he did last year of the Tonight Show and shared my favorite quote from one of his reflections that night in this post:

    http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/2010/01/amazing-things-will-happen.html

    Thanks again for sharing! This is good stuff and I am going to go link to it now for Mel's Round Up this week.

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  8. That is well said, and it's something that needs to be said more frequently -- especially to a crowd who is used to succeeding in everything.

    I like reading your blog because you display what Jane Austen referred to as "elasticity of mind" (Persuasion, Vol 2, Ch 5) -- "the choicest gift of Heaven." Maybe you need to be a commencement address writer or ghostwriter. : P

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  9. thank you for sharing that. Its true what he says...since the decision has been made not to try again, I find myself stretching my wings a little bit, dreaming about new things, appreciating that with one child, I can still do many things. not that I don't get sad or struggle, but I find myself surviving too...

    A long time ago, before my losses, at my sisters high school graduation one of her teachers made a speech that included the line, "It isn't failure to change your mind" I still think of that line sometimes when contemplating my different path from my original plan. Though I didn't change my mind in the traditional sense, it helps remind me that changing paths isn't failure, but sometimes even adventure.

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  10. Wow. That was an *excellent* exerpt ... definitely one that provides hope to those whose dreams have vastly changed due to circumstances beyond our control. Thanks for sharing ... I'll have to listen to the rest of it one day.

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  11. Wow I didn't realize Conan was so deep. What he said is so true and I have been feeling it more and more this year as I move past my grief possibly into acceptance? Whatever it is I am definitely changed and a lot of the changes have been good although I would have never wished IF and loss on myself or anyone.

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  12. This was fantastic. It's actually not unlike a commencement address JK Rowling gave a year or two ago (to Harvard? I forget), saying out of failure can come amazing things. I'm going to send this link to my niece, a university student about to enter her last year.

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  13. Here from the Roundup - What a great message! Thanks for sharing and just what I needed to hear as I celebrate my 11th anniversary, still without a baby.

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  14. What a lovely post. I particularly like that this is coming from someone who didn't necessarily have the "happy ending" in the IF world. I have no doubts that you are happy with your life now - I just mean that it's particularly poignant to read this point of view from someone whose dream really *did* have to change, not just be delayed or not realized the way they'd planned.

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  15. My dream has changed, as I have changed, and grown ans blossomed. I never thought I would want anything different, but I have found that I can be surprised by my dreams and desires.

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  16. Thank goodness our dreams change, or we would be stuck with childish dreams forever. I love this, thanks for posting it.

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