There was an interesting article in the Globe & Mail recently that posed the question "How soon is too soon?" Apparently comedian Patton Oswalt is coming under fire for getting engaged (and then remarrying) a little more than a year after the sudden death of his wife at age 46.
There doesn't appear to be a concrete answer to the "how soon?" question, but if you cross that line, you'll probably hear about it...!
And yet... I keep thinking the people who are crying "too soon!" about adults acquiring a new partner/spouse are probably the very same people who would tell parents who have just suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, "You can always have another baby" or "The best thing you can do is to get back on the horse (!) & have another baby as soon as possible." (This used to be -- and might still be, for all I know -- common post-loss advice from doctors, nevermind your mother or best friend or neighbour.) Right?
Thoughts?
I find that those who offer advice for stuff like this tend to be the same people with limited life experience. Of course they are appalled. They would also be appalled to see someone who never marries or couples up again. And I agree that they would be the ones to offer the advice of replacing a lost child with a new one.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a poorly understood thing in our society. We assume all situations are the exact same and that all people should have the same reaction. Honestly, I think it’s what has is in the current political mess we’re facing now.
Sheryl Sandberg's Option B has a whole chapter on relationships and it can basically be summed up as "You aren't the other person so you don't know what's right for them". It helped me better understand my mother jumping into a relationship very soon after my stepfather's death (my first reaction was absolutely "too soon!").
ReplyDeleteSince then I've read some more stuff about grieving and loss and new relationships, and the general consensus is always that there's no "right time" for people to be ready to date/love again. One article also made the point that we don't know what the marriage was like before the individual died. Maybe the surviving spouse has spent years not feeling cherished or valued, or acting as a care giver. Not everyone is mourning the loss of a "perfect" partner. It's definitely something we're uncomfortable with in our society.
Cristy & Turia, I've been mulling over your comments (thank you) & thinking about the story some more. I find myself thinking that when people say "too soon" about widows/widowers remarrying, what they're really meaning is "too soon for ME." They probably had their own relationship with & memories of the dead spouse and of the couple as a unit, and are not prepared to see someone else moving into that place. Unlike the surviving spouse, of course, their grief over the loss of a friend is not a constant companion. It does not affect them in the same way. They are not confronted with the emptiness & loss every day, as he or she is. But when someone new enters the picture, it's a sudden & jarring reminder of the loss.
ReplyDeleteWhereas when a couple loses a baby, the people around them are not invested in the pregnancy in the same way as they would have been with someone who has been around and a part of their life for years & years. The lost child is not as "real" to them as he/she was to the parents. And of course, the loss of a pregnancy or infant is still such a taboo subject, and something most people are definitely uncomfortable dealing with. Hence, their eagerness to see the parents have another child, as a signal that they have "moved on" (and so, then, can everyone else...), and the universe is now unfolding as it should.
As I read your post, and the comments, I was formulating my response in my head. But you've just written it! (Great minds, and all that ...)
DeleteThis is absolutely the case. The same people who never took my pregnancy losses seriously are all over me about moving on too soon after my spouse died.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have experienced both these losses. :(
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