Monday, January 15, 2018

#MicroblogMondays: Heinz 57

Last Friday was my (BIG GULP) 57th birthday.  And like the Heinz 57 of my post title ;)  my emotions are mixed about turning another year older. Perhaps because I'm rapidly approaching the 20-year mark since my one & only pregnancy (LMP date February 8, 1998), cut short by stillbirth 26 weeks later in August.

Twenty years is a frickin' long time. My daughter, had she been here, would be 19 going on 20, and no doubt in university or college.  Her peers -- the babies & toddlers of my friends and cousins and coworkers -- are now grown up, or at least teenagers, and many of them are having kids of their own now too.  There is so much that dh & I have missed out on -- although the reminders don't seem to come as thick and fast as they once did. (But when they do, they can still hurt...)

There's no getting around the fact that 57 years represents a big chunk of time that has passed since I made my debut on this earth. There are days when I feel every bit of my age. (In my knees, in particular...!)  My hair is getting greyer (although my YOUNGER sister still has more grey hair than I do -- a fact that gives me some comfort, lol) -- the fine lines around my eyes are getting more noticeable. I don't bounce back from colds, or from one too many glasses of wine ;) , or from late nights, as quickly as I did when I was in my 20s.

But as my wonderful grandma used to joke about birthdays, "Consider the alternative...!"  As the saying goes, old age is a privilege that is denied to many. I think about our hairdresser N., who died last fall at 55;  the mother-in-law I never met, who died at 53;  and so many others who, even if they had kids, never got to see them marry or hold their grandchildren.

Aging -- with or without children -- isn't always fun. But on balance, I'm glad to be here. :)

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  


  1. Happy belated birthday, Loribeth. I have nephews who were born about the same time as our failed treatments, and once in awhile I look at them and wonder about my couldabeen child, who would also now be about 19 or 20. It's a wistful way to mark time, isn't it?

    I hear what you're saying about bouncing back from a late night -- I rarely have those anymore.

  2. Sending birthday wishes. I have similar experiences with correlating losses with nieces and nephews. It’s bittersweet for sure. But I also look at all the wonder that is in your life that you and Dh have created. You have lived well despite the losses. And you’ve honored Katie along the way. That’s quite a testament to who you both are and how you’ve risen above.

    Wishing you many, many more birthdays and years on this planet.

  3. I'm glad you're here, too! Happy birthday toooo yoooouuuu! Oh dear, I'm feeling my knees as well and fear it's not going to get any better, only worse. :) You have so much to be proud of in those 57 years, despite and maybe because of Katie's loss. It's hard to see the passage of time and the children who are older and older who share timeframes with those who were lost before their time. So hard. I'm glad those moments are few and far between for you, though. Wishing you a very happy birthday and many, many amazing years to come!

  4. Oh yes, the knees, the knees! (And the grey hair. I can relate, though I hide it!)

    And yes, ageing sucks, but it's still better than the alternative.

    And I too have (in particular) a niece who was born when I was pregnant with my first ectopic, and a great-nephew, whose mother was pregnant at the same time as I was with my second ectopic. I try not to think about what we've missed. But sometimes, the thoughts come, and whilst I can usually dismiss them, yes, sometimes they can still hurt. Hugs.

  5. Happy Birthday to you! My grandma also used to say 'consider the alternative' - so seeing that makes me smile as I remember her. That said, it can be hard on days to consider the alternative lives I could have had if things had gone differently. I hope your birthday was a day without too much 'hard' or too many sore knees! :)

  6. Happy belated birthday. I have a January birthday too. I hated it last year, not minding it too much this year as I keep forgetting about it. It must be strange (well, all kinds of adjectives, really) thinking of what could have been. Some milestones can bring things back into sharp relief, time is weird: I hope it's not too painful for you. I was going to sign off with greetings from a fellow Acquarian but I don't think you are one (must google the date range)...

  7. Happy (belated) birthday! Your grandmother was wise. I hope the day itself was a good one!