Thank you for your kind messages on Katie's day earlier this week. As usual, the anticipation of the day was worse than the actual day itself.
Dh & I drove to the cemetery that morning... only to find a work crew digging around in the flower beds RIGHT BESIDE the wall structure where her niche is. Talk about bad timing!! So instead of the leisurely visit and walkaround, and freeflow of tears I had anticipated, we only stayed a few minutes, whispering to each other the whole while -- long enough to change the niche decorations & leave the flowers I had brought. (Pink roses -- from the supermarket, but the girl at the floral counter arranged & wrapped them up beautifully, with a tulle ribbon, without me even asking. I also found and bought a lovely butterfly ornament there that I left hanging from the niche vase holder.)
After leaving the cemetery, we drove to a nearby cafe where we used to have lunch sometimes, when we lived in the area, and had chicken caesar wraps. Then over to the local outlet of the mega-bookstore (which, IMHO, is bigger and much better stocked than the one where we now live) for a browse. Then dh insisted on going BACK to the cemetery before we headed home. The moment had passed, so no outpouring of tears, but we were able to take our time, and take a few photos, before we left.
We were both exhausted & went to bed early. I felt a bit guilty, like I hadn't done enough for her -- I didn't even take out her box of things and go through them, as I often do at this time of year -- but hey, we do what we can...
(On a somewhat related note: FIL's condition is rapidly deteriorating. We've been doing a lot of driving back & forth across the city over the last few days to be with him. Please keep FIL in your thoughts & prayers, if you pray. Many thanks.)
I don't think you should feel guilty, at all. You think of Katie every day. You've written beautiful tributes to her here. And you visited the cemetery, with flowers and the ornament, to honour her. I think you did her proud.
ReplyDeleteAnd you faced, as you said, the anticipated day with some real trepidation. Remembering Katie, and honouring her, shouldn't be torture for you. She would never have wanted that for her parents. And I think you honour her by living your lives well.
By your words and obvious thoughts and emotions, you're also honouring FIL, in this time that is so difficult for him, and too for you all to watch. I'm thinking of you all.
It sounds like a it was a lovely visit (despite the work crew). I sympathize with the guilt, but I think you and dh did a wonderful job of honoring Katie, just as you do every year. Still sending you love.
ReplyDeleteAnd sending love to your whole family during this time.
I like what Mali said a lot, about what your beautiful Katie would have wanted for her parents. Just beautiful. And I think that as long as you do what feels right in the moment, you have honored her well.
ReplyDeleteSending many prayers up for you and your family. ❤️❤️❤️
>I felt a bit guilty, like I hadn't done enough for her
ReplyDeleteI came to write a comment in response to this, but Mali has already said it a thousand times better. I'll just add that you honour her through your best talent --i.e. writing--, and there is no better or more beautiful tribute than that, putting your talent to work in honour of your child.
I was thinking about your and your husband all week. I don't have the words right now to express what I am thinking and feeling, but Mali already said it all in the best way possible. You two are wonderful parents and have continually loved and honored Katie for 20 years. <3
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