Next month, it will be 10 (!) years since dh lost his job and subsequently retired; it will be 9 years for me in July. It will also be 7 years next month since we sold our house and moved into our condo here. One of the main reasons we did this was to be closer to dh's brother, his wife and the nephews as we aged, thinking that, as we have no children, they would form an important part of our support network -- and it would be easier for them to help us out now & and then if we were 10 minutes away versus the previous 45+.
As it turns out, while they've certainly been there for us (especially when we first moved and were setting up our condo and finding our way around here), more and more frequently these days, it's been the other way around: we've been the ones providing support to them. We've been there to help out with the nephews' weddings & new babies (hunting out formula and children's Tylenol, for example). We've dropped by at least once a week to play with Little Great-Nephew (and give SIL, his primary daycare provider, a bit of a break), and stayed with him ourselves whenever needed. (We even dog-sat when Little Great-Nephew was born and both his parents and grandparents were at the hospital, so that the dog wouldn't be left alone for too long.) We've taken both BIL & SIL to various medical appointments, and dh has helped BIL & the nephews move furniture, etc.
This isn't going to change anytime soon -- and in fact, we may be called upon for help even more often in the days, weeks and months to come. As I've alluded in other posts, BIL has developed a serious health condition over the past year-plus. :( Dh has been taking BIL to some of his appointments (or we've been staying with LGN so SIL can accompany him to others). We've been taking them to family gatherings, so that BIL doesn't have to drive.
I wish BIL's health was better. I wish things were different... but they're not. And that's life. We can't control these things, and we can't predict the future. If my pregnancy with Katie taught me anything, it was that we are NOT in control of the universe... and that we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.
I will admit, I'm (still) not wild about the community where we now live -- but being closer to family these past 7 years, being able to help the nephews launch families of their own, spending so much time with Little Great-Nephew these past few years, and now being able to support BIL & the rest of the family through this challenging time -- I wouldn't have it any other way. We don't know what will happen tomorrow or a week or month or year or 7 years from now. All we can do is make the most of what we have right now. And help each other out along the way, while we're at it.
As the NYT article concluded, we can mourn the sad things that have happened, and wish that they hadn't happened, that things had worked out differently. "We can joke or wonder whether we’re in the wrong timeline. But we can’t lose sight of the fact that this timeline is the only one we’ve got."
You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.
BIL and SIL and their sons are lucky to have you and dh.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said: "we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time" and "...this timeline is the only one we’ve got." Both those are favourites of mine.
ReplyDeleteAnd I suspect that your BIL and SIL and nephews and nieces-in-law will not forget the support you are giving your family at the moment, and very much appreciate it.
I come from a European country where extended family is important, and you being married to an Italian man --I mean, to an Italian family ;-D--, you surely know what I'm talking about. You did the right thing moving closer to your BIL's family, which is also your family. The fact that you're helping them at the moment is a blessing in itself (I'm sure they're infinitely grateful), but there will come a time when they will help you too (and I'm not referring to dramatic events, just everyday things, just like now). And that's how it should be - that's what family is for.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm trying to say is that things did NOT turn out differently from what you expected -- they turned out exactly the way they should, with family helping each other, simply. A few weeks ago, you wrote about sharing a beautiful but nostalgic moment with your LGN where you wished he were your own grandson. I didn't get to comment then, but I instantly thought: Loribeth, he already IS! Families are miraculously flexible. The fact that your DNA isn't in his little body is just a technicality. You and your husband are virtually another set of grandparents to him. You're fulfilling that role, he loves you just like he loves his biological grandparents, and there's nothing in his little heart that distinguishes DNA or tracks family trees. I know YOU do track family trees ;-), but maybe this is another road less traveled for you, the one where you realize that the definition of family is beautifully elastic, and that your nephews' children are as dear to your heart as if they were your own grandchildren.
Do help them out, Loribeth, and love them unconditionally because they ARE your family.
LOL, yes, I'm married to a family as well as a man! And I'm very grateful for that too. :) I'll admit it's been a bit jarring, thinking they would be supporting us and right now, it's very much the other way around -- but yes, that's what family is for, and I know someday it may very well be different, and I'll be grateful for that too. Thanks for commenting!
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