It's been really heartening to see how many people, parents and non-parents alike, found J.D. Vance's 2021 comments about "childless cat ladies," recently resurfaced, offensive. (I wrote about those comments at the time, here and here.)
However! I've noticed several comments/social media posts that have raised my hackles. They're from parents who declare themselves "childless" or "childless again" (etc.), now that their children are grown up and have left the nest.
(I'm reminded of taking issue when, years ago, I was startled to see gleeful parents declare online, "We're childless! Mom is taking the kids for the weekend!" -- or some other such celebratory comment. I know I've vented about that in this blog, but can't locate the post at the moment.)
Ummm, no. Sorry, but NO. You are NOT childless. You may not be living with children anymore -- but you HAD children. They are still your children, even if they no longer live with you. You brought them up, you got to parent them, you enjoyed the perks and social approval and built-in networks that come with parenthood (and yes, you also endured the hard work and pain and expense that I/we will never get to experience). If you're lucky, you have or may have grandchildren some day.
You may have lost a child, but that doesn't mean you're childless.
These are things that those of us who are childless not by choice wanted -- but never got to experience and never will. Your life is different from mine/ours because of the simple fact that you got to be parents and we didn't. Just because you don't have kids in the house now doesn't mean that your life is now like ours. It's not.
I know these comments are well-meaning, and intended as a show of support (which is very much appreciated). I don't mind if you call yourself an "empty nester" (although it does remind me that my nest was never full to begin with). You can certainly call yourself an ally of childless & childfree people.
But parents, you are NOT childless.
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(I suppose it could be argued that technically, I'm not childless, because I did give birth. In this respect, I hold a dual identity. I straddle both sides of the line that divides the childless from parents. But it was an abbreviated pregnancy, and my daughter never drew a breath. I never got to parent her. I only got to bury her, and to visit her niche in the cemetery, which most parents thankfully never have to do. I never had another child. I identify more as childless than as a parent, although I will occasionally call myself a bereaved mother or a childless mother.)
I totally agree. A friend, one who has been very supportive and reads my No Kidding blog regularly, once said that, in effect, our lives were the same once her kids left home. She was right and wrong. Our day to day lives didn't involve children in our houses, that is true. We both had and have freedom to do whatever we wanted. But her children still occupy her thoughts and her heart. The absence of any kids take space in my thoughts and heart. That's what these parents never quite get.
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