#MicroblogMondays: Online friends are real friends :)

Katy at Childless Collective wrote a blog post for the World Childless Week website recently titled "Online Friends are Real Friends." 

Amen!  My online friends are just as "real" to me as the people I know "in real life," and in many cases, they have been there for me over the past 26 years in a way that my "real life" family and friends have often not. I was lucky enough to find a "real life" local support group shortly after we lost Katie in 1998 (and wound  up staying 10 years as facilitators), but that group only met twice a month at most. Especially in those early days of bewildered grief, I craved something more.  And I found it, online.  (Even in those pre-blogging, pre-social media, pre-Zoom days!)  

I've written in the past about some of these friends -- the women (and a very few men) on a pregnancy loss email list I joined a few weeks after Katie's stillbirth;  the friends I made on the iVillage Childless Living message board in the early 2000s, several of whom I'm still in touch with regularly today.  And, since 2007 (17 years!!) bloggers.  I've been lucky enough to meet a few of these online friends face to face over the years too.  

Add one more to the count. :)  

A couple of Sunday nights ago, Mel -- the Stirrup Queen herself  -- messaged me:  "So totally random question - are you around this upcoming week because we just decided to come to Toronto."  

Me:  "Are you serious??!!  I would LOVE to meet up!!!!" 

If you're reading this post, you no doubt know Mel too, and all she's done for the blogging community over the past 18 years.  Blogging is, admittedly, not the force it once was (although I think it's just taken on a new form lately, i.e., Substack) -- but there was a time, pre-social media, when there was a flourishing community of adoption, loss and infertility bloggers -- and Mel was at the centre of it all, with her gargantuan blogroll and other regular community-building features and projects -- like this #MicroblogMondays, the Friday Roundup (which recently marked 1000 Friday posts!), the Lushary (which was always a favourite of mine, lol), the Barren Bitches Book Tour, the annual Creme de la Creme list of our favourite blog posts from the year, and so much more.  

Mel responded to some of my early tentative comments on her blog -- and encouraged me to start my own, back in (gulp) October 2007 -- almost 17 YEARS AGO.  To get to finally meet her -- AND her family, after hearing/reading about them all for so many years (from the twins' first day of kindergarten (!) to their departure for college!) -- was a surreal experience.  

(The hugs, however, were very real.  :)  )   

Several days and even more emails back & forth later, deluging Mel with suggestions for places they might want to visit during their stay (lol), I trekked downtown via subway to the Toronto Eaton Centre for the first time since before the pandemic, and we had dinner together on the patio of one of the restaurants there. (I had warned Mel about all the construction, roadwork and repairs going on in the city -- never dreaming that would include SANDBLASTING the walls of the old church across from the restaurant where we were eating!!  What a racket!  Thankfully, they did stop work for the evening, after we'd been sitting there about 45 minutes...!)  And after dinner, we walked through the mall to the Indigo bookstore, where Mel and I wound up standing and talking for more than an hour in the Mystery aisle ;) before I reluctantly headed home again.     

The visit was far too short, but I'm so glad the stars aligned to make it happen. 

Are online friends real friends? You bet.  ❤ 

You can read Mel's thoughts about her Toronto visit here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon

"Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon is the September choice for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club. Like our August pick, "Swing Time" (450-ish pages) -- which took me an entire month to slog through! -- "Code Name Helene" (I keep wanting to type "Code Name Ariel" for some reason??) was another long one -- the paperback was a hefty 570 pages of closed spaced, small-ish type. 

Fortunately, I had also purchased a cheap e-book version, where I could magnify the print to a more comfortable size! Also fortunately, "Code Name Helene" was a faster-paced and more captivating read (which got faster and more captivating as the book went on...!) -- and all the more interesting because, amazingly, it's a true story (!).  

The book moves back & forth in time and place, from pre-WWII Paris and Marseille to the French countryside in 1944, telling the story of how and why Nancy Wake, an Australian freelance journalist turned British Special Operations Executive (SOE) operative, parachuted into Nazi-occupied France to aid the resistance movement -- and seek a reunion with her French husband, Henri Fiocca. (And I think I'll stop there, because I don't want to give away too much!)  ALI note:  She did not have any children. 

My book club co-host (who is British) described "Code Name Helene" on Goodreads as "an absolutely cracking book!!!!"  I agree!  :)  I love WWII stories, especially ones focused on women, so this was right up my alley. The fact that Nancy was a real person is the icing on the cake! 

I'll admit I had to put the book down and take a break, every now & then -- despite my desire to find out what happened next! -- because some sections were pretty tense/intense! (But still, really good!)  What a movie/mini-series this book would make! 

(After I typed that, I Googled "Code Name Helene movie." What do you know? -- There is a mini-series in the works! -- or was?  Most of the stories I found about it were from 2020, and  announced that Elizabeth Debicki would play Nancy. Nothing since then. I imagine the pandemic may have delayed -- or derailed -- whatever was planned. :(   Further Googling revealed that there was, in fact, an earlier mini-series about Wake -- produced in Australia in 1987!)    

Content warning: A couple of graphic descriptions of torture (or perhaps more accurately, its aftermath) -- including that of a pregnant woman. :(   

5 stars on Goodreads & StoryGraph. 

Our next book (for October): "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I read this book back in 2008 (!) for Mel's Barren Bitches Book Tour, and reviewed it/answered some discussion questions here. I wasn't on Goodreads then (did it even exist in 2008?), but I later added a rating for the book of 4 stars. It will be interesting to see what I think of it, 16 (??!!-- WTF??!) years later!  

This was Book #24 read to date in 2024 (and Book #2 finished in August), bringing me to 53%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 5 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

Odds & ends

(Just some!! of the) Stuff I've been reading lately:  

• From the Globe & Mail (which bills itself as "Canada's national newspaper"): "An empty bird’s nest always leaves me melancholy."  (The print copy headline reads: "For many years I hoped and tried.")  Gorgeously written. (The author, Susan, & I have had coffee together and hope to meet up again soon!)  
• I had no idea who Anna Marie Tendler was -- although, once I read the Washington Post's review of her memoir, "Men Have Called Her Crazy," I recognized the name of her ex-husband (comedian John Mulaney -- as well as Olivia Munn, the actress he left Tendler for). What piqued my interest, though, was this telling detail (ouch!):  

A chapter about the death of her beloved dog is heart-rending, though. So is a chapter about freezing her eggs, especially for those who, again, know the context: Mulaney’s numerous jokes over the years about not wanting children, and the fact that he now has one with the woman he left Tendler for.

• (On the other hand, there's this...)  I wound up taking out a free 7-day trial subscription to Amanda Montei's Substack "Mad Woman," just so I could read the full text of the post titled "'Mothers' Instinct' and the horror of maternal desperation" (Subhead:  "The supposedly primal need women have for children is everywhere.")  
• (I already have a free subscription, and will likely cancel the free trial before my credit card gets charged... there are only so many paid subscriptions, for Substack and other things, that my budget can take...!) 
• The post analyzes a new film called "Mothers' Instinct" -- and the hoary old trope that the lack of a child drives women mad, that some women are so desperate for a child that they will resort to kidnapping, murder and other lurid crimes. (I know these things DO occasionally happen, but to apply that logic to all childless women is incredibly insulting.)  A couple of excerpts: 

...the film betrays two persistent and familiar fantasies: that mothers without children go insane; and that in their desperation for a child to control, women will stop at nothing.

...The mother-hungry woman is a common trope in psychological thrillers. We see this brand of horror a lot: the monstrous mother driven to madness by her insatiable thirst for a child— any child...  a kind of any-kid-will-do primal hunger that causes auto- and instinctual insanity in any woman who can’t get her motherhood dream fulfilled, or has it ripped from her too soon...

I could not help but think of the stories we’ve been hearing lately on the national stage. It’s that pervasive belief again: that women need motherhood not just to make their lives worthwhile, but to stabilize their moods.

And with the belief that without a child every woman goes mad, of course, comes more: the idea that women need children, need family, need men, to contain them, make them good, give them some target for all that wild animal energy. Even if their love for their child is destined to be a little pathological.

• Ali Hall -- whose work I have been reading on Medium -- has started a Substack, "Life Without Children." She's childfree by choice but consistently includes the CNBC perspective as well.  Her most recent post is "The Modern-Day Twist on “The Village” To Promote Equitability for All" (Subhead:  "Regardless of our parental or relationship status, we all need our village.") Hear, hear!! 
• Sample passage (emphasis the author's): 

There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.

This sense of entitlement is missing the whole point of “The Village.” For a village to function, it requires us all to be active members as soon as we can comprehend the workings of a community.

It takes time to build communities. They are an investment of love and support. A conglomerate of skills and interests. Expecting a village to present itself on command indicates a lack of personal contribution. I can’t help but wonder whether those who shout the loudest for a village have ever served as a villager.

If we want the benefits of a village, we must also be a villager.

• Ali Hall was also one of the speakers on Medium Day (Aug. 17th), and I reserved a "ticket" to her 30-minute Zoom session that morning, titled "Making Space for the Childless and Childfree."  (I am not sure whether those presentations are available to watch somewhere, but if you can find it, it's definitely worth seeing!) She spoke for about 15 minutes and then answered questions from viewers in the chat for another 15 -- but in those few minutes, she delivered a LOT of great messages!   
• "A truth of crones:" In her Substack "Gateway Elderwomen," Jody Day shares a linked list of other Substackers writing about the elderwomen experience, most of them also "NoMo Crones" (older women without children). 
• Phil Donahue died this week at age 88. He revolutionized the American TV talk show, considered himself a feminist, and was married to feminist icon, actress Marlo Thomas (who does not have children). I remember my mother watching his show every morning she was at home, when I was in high school. (I watched too, when I was home sick from school, or during summer holidays.)  I enjoyed this Salon article: "Phil Donahue showed how feminism and open-mindedness are crucial for democracy." 
• Kate Cox, the Texas woman who was denied an abortion (and had to go out of state to get one) after the fetus she was carrying was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, announced during the ceremonial roll call at the Democratic National Convention this week, that she is five months pregnant again and due in January.  Normally, I cringe at these sorts of public pregnancy announcements -- but I'll admit my eyes filled with happy tears for her! 
• This recent article in the Toronto Star, about Kamala Harris's teenaged years in Montreal (and how little she has to say about it), reminded me of my review of her book a couple of years ago (and one of my chief complaints about the book, lol).  Love the conclusion, lol:  

...we Canadians will harbour no hurt feelings about the strategic amnesia surrounding her Montreal years. But this we know whether or not she admits it: this woman who may soon occupy the Oval Office has a nice little sliver of Canada lodged deep in her soul.

We just won’t tell anyone.

• U.S. vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance's recent (ridiculous) comments -- about how the purpose of a post-menopausal woman is to help care for her grandchildren (!!!) -- spawned some hilarious comeback comments, posts and memes on social media. It also earned him a "Dingus of the Week" mention from Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell At Me." Lyz (single divorced mother of two children) added this thought at the end of the post, and I wanted to share at least part of it with  you here:  :)  (We need more Lyzs in the world, don't we??) 

So much of the discourse this week has involved weighing in on people’s choices to have children and dividing the world into the selfless parents and the selfish childless. So, I want to take a moment to say how much I value my friends who do not have children. I love them not because of the care work they do for me, but because they are delightful humans. But I would not be honest if I said I didn’t rely on their advice, insight, and kindness... 

So much of my life as a single mom who lives far away from family has meant building a new kind of community for myself, one that is bigger and wider and brighter and more spacious than the world I had before. And being able to have a night out with friends, who include my kids, and delight in them. Well, it means everything.

I don’t understand these small mean little worlds that are built to exclude rather than include...

So this week, I’m drinking Shirley Temples and toasting to all my friends without children. I’d be lost without you.

(Some appreciative remarks in the comments from childless and childfree people, as well as some kind affirmative remarks from other parents.)   

•  And speaking of Vance (although -- do we really have to??), I'm still laughing (BAHAHAHAHA!!)  over this satirical post from Charlotte Clymer:  "Are Childless Males Hurting America?"  ;)  (Definitely worth a read!!) 

There's something happening here...

 ...what it is ain't exactly clear. (Apologies to Buffalo Springfield for lifting their lyrics, lol.) 

Is it just me, or does it seem like we're at a bit of a turning point, when it comes to greater public acknowledgement, awareness and openness on reproductive-related matters? -- including childlessness (by choice and not), infertility and fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, abortion and maternal mortality? 

Some of this, of course, can be traced to the fall of Roe v Wade in the United States two years ago and increasing restrictions on access to abortion, IVF and other such procedures. There have been some horrifying stories coming out of some American states, where women are not only being denied access to abortions but to other healthcare procedures, including management of ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages, to the point that some women have almost died, and/or have had their future fertility prospects  compromised. 

Some of these women have been speaking at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago this week. Other speakers -- mostly women, but also a few men! -- have been sharing, openly and pointedly, about their personal experiences with loss, abortion and fertility treatments. 

For example, at his very first campaign event with presidential nominee Kamala Harris, vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz spoke about IVF access and how IVF helped him and his wife Gwen conceive their two children.  Gwen Walz later clarified that they'd actually conceived their children through IUIs, not IVF -- which prompted Republican VP candidate J.D. Vance to call Walz a liar.  I'm not sure I'd call it an outright lie -- inaccurate, yes -- but how many people outside the fertility world would know the difference?  (Certainly, from the guy's perspective, it's all the same, right??)  True, IVF is definitely a lot more expensive, involved and intrusive than IUI.  But -- take it from someone who had three IUIs -- IUI is no walk in the park either. 

But then -- last night, I watched a panel on CNN discussing this, and the differences between IUIs and IVF -- and several of the people on the panel chimed in to say THEY had experienced one or the other. And then today, my husband saw another CNN panel discussing the same topic and the differences between the two procedures. 

When on earth did you ever imagine you'd be hearing THAT kind of discussion on a national news network??  I certainly didn't!  

Also yesterday:  I spotted a forthcoming book on a Goodreads list of fall reads that I've added to the top of my wish list.  Keep an eye out for "I'm Sorry for My Loss: An Urgent Examination of Reproductive Care in America" by Rebecca Little and Colleen Long. It will be available in Canada (if not other markets) on Sept. 24th.  Here's the book's description on Goodreads (boldfaced emphasis mine):  

A must-read investigation of reproductive health under fire in Post-Roe America.

More than a million women lose a pregnancy each year, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or termination for medical reasons. For most, the experience often casts a shadow of isolation, shame, and blame. In the aftermath of the 2022 decision to overturn Roe v Wade, 25 million women of childbearing age live in states with laws that restrict access to abortion, including for those who never wanted to end their pregnancies. How did we get here?

Rebecca Little and Colleen Long, childhood friends who grew up to be journalists, both experienced late-term loss, and together they take an incisive, deeply reported look at the issue, working to shatter taboos that have made so many pregnant women feel ashamed and alone. They trace the experience of pregnancy loss and reproductive care from America's founding to the present day, exposing the deep impact made by a dangerous tangle of laws, politics, medicine, racism, and misogyny. Combining powerful personal narratives with exhaustive research, I'm Sorry for My Loss is a comprehensive examination on how pregnancy loss came to be so stigmatized and politicized, and why a system of more compassionate care is critical for everyone.

It's currently got 16 ratings on Goodreads, averaging 4.63 stars. If you manage to get a copy and read it before I do, let me know what you think! 

After the last U.S. election, the Washington Post adopted a new motto: "Democracy dies in darkness." It's becoming obvious that reproductive rights do too. It's HARD to speak out on these subjects, go public, share the most traumatic experiences of our lives more openly. (It's hard enough sharing with family members & friends, let alone the general public!) But it's becoming obvious that the more we do, the more things start to change. 

(I find it hard personally to walk that talk -- but I like to think my upcoming World Childless Week webinar is a small step in the right direction...??)     

I've written here in the past on a couple of other occasions where I felt a similar shift in the childless/free zeitgeist, some forward movement:   

• Back in 2012, in a post titled "I am childless, hear me roar,"  I wrote about a growing sense that we, as a childless community, were beginning to find our voices:  

...over the last few months, I've had this sense of increasing momentum -- that we, the childless/free women of the world, are (at long last) beginning to find our individual and collective voices, our tribe, and make our presence known.

...It's still early days -- but I sense a growing willingness among us to speak out -- to stand up and be counted. To say, "I am childless after infertility (and/or loss). I am a survivor.  And I have a good life -- even if it's not the life I originally wanted or planned." 

Hear us roar. : )

• And in 2021, after spending the weekend at the first online Childless Collective Summit organized by Katy Seppi, I wrote about how I felt like I'd just attended "Childless Woodstock":  

Maybe I'm stretching things here just a bit ;)  but I feel like I just spent the weekend at the childless equivalent of Woodstock (minus the drugs & the mud, lol), being inspired and empowered and (yes) entertained by the rock stars of our community -- a community that some people didn't even know existed until they showed up and looked at all the other people around them -- all of us outsiders in both the parenting and infertility communities that envelop us (and sometimes threaten to smother us) -- and realized that we, too, are a force to be reckoned with -- on average, representing one in five people (20%!) in any given developed country.  

For most of the past four days, I've been sitting in front of my laptop, bleary-eyed and slightly delirious, basking in the company of my peeps -- 2,700!!! childless-not-by-choice women (and a few men)!!! -- at the online Childless Collective Summit, organized by Katy of Chasing Creation...  

I closed my laptop on Sunday night feeling both exhausted and exhilarated (and if *I'm* exhausted, I can't imagine how Katy is feeling this morning...!!), and thinking that perhaps (finally! finally!!), we too are on the verge of becoming a force to be reckoned with. 

You guys, I have been consciously living without children for almost 20 years now, and blogging for more than 13 of those years. 2,700 may not be quite half a million strong (yet!!) -- but!!! 20 years ago -- even 13 (or 10, or 5) years ago -- the idea that there would be 2,700 of us gathered together (online, but hey, pandemic...), talking openly to each other about our childless-not-by-choice experiences, sharing hopes and fears and tears, exchanging social media handles and other contact details, and organizing Facebook groups and regular Zoom meetups -- and that there would be so many amazing speakers, representing so many different aspects of our shared experiences, providing wisdom and guidance -- it would have been -- it was -- it is! -- absolutely, completely MINDBLOWING. 

I'm getting some similar vibes this summer. There's still PLENTY of room for improvement, of course!  Ours is still a very pronatalist society. It's going to take a while to change that.  

But yeah.   

How about you? What do you think? 

#MicroblogMondays: Coming soon to a screen near you...!

I tend to roll my eyes when people talk about their "passion" for something (perhaps because it was such an over-used buzzword in my former workplace!) -- but I think it would be safe to say that I am "passionate" about family history/genealogy. :)  

That is why I am taking a big step outside my comfort zone to share that passion with the rest of you!  As part of World Childless Week next month, Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast and I will be presenting a webinar on the morning of Monday, Sept. 16th, called "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" 

Stephanie Joy Phillips, who founded and runs World Childless Week, proposed the idea of a WCW webinar to me earlier this year, after reading some of my comments on a discussion thread related to childlessness, family history and legacy. I knew that Michael is also a keen genealogist (and even more knowledgeable on the subject than I am), and suggested him as another participant -- and happily, he said yes!  

I know many of us who don't have children don't see the point in learning about our families' histories.  It can hurt to see our childlessness reflected in black and white on a family tree chart -- our siblings and cousins' branches growing and flourishing -- while our little branch comes to a dead end -- so why bother?  Who really will remember us -- any of us, with or without kids, anyway -- especially after a century or two?  Shouldn't we be more concerned with the here and now and what we can do to make life better for others while we're here?  And, some would argue, does a genetic connection even matter that much anyway? Does our legacy lie in our descendants, in great achievements, or in small acts of kindness and connection with others?     

I can't deny some of these arguments. And I can't speak for others -- but I know that for me, learning more about my family history, and what my ancestors endured, to allow me to live the life I enjoy today (a pretty good one, all things considered...!) -- and especially learning about my childless relatives from the past -- has been both comforting and inspirational. Simply realizing just how many of them there are/have been has helped me to feel less alone as a childless person!  

Our family history and what we learn about it can be part of the legacy that we pass along to our other extended family members -- especially if we take steps to preserve and share the things we've learned. Family tends to be defined pretty narrowly these days -- we tend to focus on parents and grandparents, siblings and children -- but aunts, uncles and cousins also have roles to play too (if we're lucky enough to know them and spend time with them). Hearing my parents talk about their own extended family members and what they've learned from them gives me hope that perhaps someday our nephews and great-niblings will remember us and tell stories about us to their own kids in the same way.  

Michael & I will be exploring some of these themes in this webinar on Sept. 16th.  Come join us!  You can register here. (And if you can't watch live, the recording will be available on the WCW website later. You do not need to register in advance if you're just going to watch later on the website.)  

(I'll admit I'm a little nervous about "going public," after managing to (mostly) maintain my semi-anonymity here for almost 17 (!) years -- 23 years in the childless community generally!  It's possible that some family members and friends, who know nothing of my blog or other activities in the childless community, may see something about the webinar on social media and find their way here. But I think it's a worthwhile risk!) 

You can find my other genealogy-related posts here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

#MicroblogMondays: A few odds & ends

• 
  Something happened today that most Canadians generally don't have to deal with or think about, most of the time:  I got a medical-related bill, via my MyChart app (where you can sign up to receive your medical test results, etc., online) related to my recent emergency trip to the hospital. 
• It was a bill for the ambulance:  $45.  Not bad, eh?  (Same as the bill I got after my first ambulance trip, two years ago.)  
• I paid it (online, with my credit card). And I can probably get some if not all of that back via the supplementary medical insurance dh & I have as pensioners through our previous employer. 
• Glad to be Canadian (not for the first nor the last time, I am sure...!).  
• I saw my first back to school post on social media recently -- last week, on August 5th (!). (Someone's grandkids from the American South.)  Here in Ontario, first day generally isn't until the day after Labour Day (and some kindergarten classes and college programs start a week or so later than that). Which means I have at least six or seven weeks of photos and posts trickling (and then gushing) into my social media to (not??) look forward to. Sigh... 
• As a Canadian, I don't get a vote in the upcoming U.S. presidential election -- but I was tickled to see Kamala Harris chose the governor of Minnesota (my mom's home state, and still home to many of my relatives), Tim Walz, as her running mate. (I'm old enough to remember seeing former MN governor/former VP Hubert Humphrey speaking at the county fair in the early 1970s -- during the 1972 election, possibly? -- when I was a pre-teen -- but, I digress...!) 
• The best part, though, was Walz's frank declaration that he became a dad only after several years of IVF treatments -- and named his daughter Hope because of that. I think this guy gets it (certainly more so than a certain former president and his own VP pick...).   
• There's been some great coverage about that, and I will try to round up a few links to include in a future post...  
• Despite the alarmist/doom-laden headline (eyeroll), I appreciated the thoughtful overall tone of this article from the Guardian by Gaby Hinsliff:  "The shrunken state expects families to fill the voids in health and social care. Woe betide those without children." (Subheading: "As fewer Britons have children, more will be left to navigate our threadbare social care system and overstretched hospitals alone." -- it focuses on the British health care and social services system, but I don't think North America is any better...!)  Key paragraph (boldfaced emphasis mine): 

The last thing I want to do in raising this is add to a mean-spirited moral panic about what Donald Trump’s new right-hand man, JD Vance, so dismissively called “childless cat ladies”. Making people feel guilty – or worse still, frightened – about not having had the children some of them desperately wanted to have but couldn’t, is cruel and futile, since for the average older person finding themselves in need of care it’s about 30 years too late for regrets. Instead, what we need are services shaped for the way families are now, not the way that proponents of a smaller state would like them to be.

• I loved this Substack post from Jennifer Louden at "It's Not Too Late:"  "your yet to be lived lives are calling." Sample passage (boldfaced emphasis hers):  

To live is to whittle away possibilities. To choose one fork in the road over another. And to never know what you might have experienced, who you might have become, if you chose the other way.

Learning to make some kind of peace with your unlived life is part of growing down into the life you did choose. Of course, many of us didn’t get to choose — a host of factors outside our control choose for us, sometimes brutally. This too we have to metabolize if we are to continue to live more than a shadow existence.

We all possess unlived unexpressed potential. Missed opportunities. Stolen opportunities. Parts of ourselves we didn’t develop, roads we could not or did not venture down.

Yes, it is too late for those avenues, those options, those opportunities.

But there are lives ahead of you that are yearning to be explored. It is not too late for that.

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"Childless cat ladies" claw back :)

A lot sure can happen in a couple of weeks...!  

I'd barely settled in at my parents' house in Manitoba in mid-July when things started happening very quickly in the U.S. presidential election campaign: 

• First, Donald Trump barely dodged an assassin's bullet. 
• Then he nominated "Hillbilly Elegy" author and Ohio Senator J.D. Vance as his running mate.
• Bowing to pressure after a disastrous debate performance a few weeks earlier, President Joe Biden announced he would not run for re-election after all, and Democratic support quickly consolidated around his Vice-President, Kamala Harris. 

It wasn't very long before comments Vance made in a 2021 interview resurfaced, in which he disparaged "childless cat ladies" -- naming several Democratic politicians who are not (biological) parents, including Kamala Harris (who does not, I believe, own a cat). He also suggested that parents should get more votes than non-parents (one extra for each child).  I posted about these remarks at the time, here. 

Perhaps not surprisingly, when confronted with the resurgence of these remarks, Vance doubled down, quipping, "I have nothing against cats." (!!!)  

Needless to say, his words have been both infuriating and painful for many in the childless-not-by-choice community, as well as others who don't have children, for whatever reasons. Overall public reaction has been uniformly negative (albeit sadly, there have been some pretty nasty comments on articles and social media posts -- **caveat emptor**...!!).

Being at my parents' house during this time, my online/reading time was limited -- but I did manage to bookmark some things to share here later (and went back to look at others later on).  (And wow, there were a lot!! -- Enjoy!!)  

(Note: Some of these articles were paywalled;  some may have been free when I read them but are not free now. If so, I've found that saving the link to Pocket and then opening it there to read sometimes acts as a workaround.)  

For starters, some basic news articles & analysis:  

• CNN revealed that "It’s not just ‘cat ladies’: JD Vance has a history of disparaging people without kids." (July 30/24) 

• Canadian journalist Justin Ling deftly connects the dots between J.D. Vance and... Pat Buchanan (!) in his Substack post "J D Vance's Natal-Futurism."  (Quote:  "Here’s a spoiler: It all comes back to white babies.")

• A Vox article traces the Hungarian roots of some of Vance's extreme pronatalist comments. 

...for Vance, the policy isn’t just about ensuring fairness for families: it’s about punishing childless adults. Vance sees Demeny voting as a tool for creating two-tiered citizenship, one where parents have more and better political representation than other adults.

And now on to some reactions:  

• From HuffPost via Yahoo News: "JD Vance Faces Backlash For 'Childless Sociopaths' Remark" features a selection of commentary from Twitter/X.   

• CNBC poster girl Jennifer Aniston made a rare infertility-related comment on her Instagram Stories. You can see a screenshot in this story from Entertainment Weekly.  
• Aniston's comments made headlines in traditional media outlets such as the New York Times.  
• The Washington Post also noted the reaction from Aniston as well as other public figures (including Pete Buttigieg, one of the childless Democratic politicians targeted by Vance -- albeit he and his husband have since adopted twins).  

• CNBC political commentator Ana Navarro blasted Vance on "The View" ("How dare you?!"). (I also saw her on Abby Phillips's show on CNN a few days later, and she still hadn't cooled down...!)  

• (Perhaps the world's most famous childless cat lady, Taylor Swift -- who posed for the cover of Time Magazine with a cat draped around her neck -- hasn't weighed in (yet?) -- but her fans definitely have...!  ;)  ) 

• "The Republican party’s obsession with families has taken a fanatical turn," observes the wonderful Moira Donegan in The Guardian. 

• "The GOP's "incel platform" repels voters," writes Amanda Marcotte in Salon.  

• "Dear J.D. Vance, Childless Cat Ladies Are People Too," writes Sarah Jones in New York Magazine's Intelligencer. (It's free for now, but if it's paywalled, try saving it and then opening it in Pocket.com.)  

By attacking childlessness, the right cheapens parenthood, too. The act of having children is no longer about joy but conquest. I can’t imagine anything sadder, though I am but a childless cat lady. Vance’s worldview is poisonous to parents and children, too: Babies should be loved and wanted for their own sake, not because they’re future nationalists or tradwives. The right offers a small and selfish vision that is authoritarian to its core. Their America belongs only to the righteous few, but my America belongs to everyone. I may never give birth, but I too have a stake in this country. We’re all responsible for creating a future worth living in. It will belong to somebody’s children, if not to ours.

• Yahoo News reposted an opinion piece from Buzzfeed by a childfree writer -- whose byline was inexplicably omitted!  Excerpt: 

This is an American take if I've ever seen one. Vance's hyper-focus on the individual and the nuclear family is nothing new in this country. But in many cultures, including my own, the emphasis lies on the extended family and wider community. While I don't have children, my cousins do, and I certainly have a vested interest in my nieces' and nephews' futures. Beyond that, I want to see my communities flourish — not just while I'm part of them, but after I'm gone because I am a human being with empathy and compassion for others in this world...

This is such a heinous notion that it's hard to believe a politician would even think this to himself, let alone say it out loud. I was born in the United States. I work and pay taxes here — hell, I even interned for a senator in college (without pay, I might add). My vote should hold the same weight as any other person's. Though this country certainly wasn’t built on equality, the US claims to stand for it now, and this flies in the face of that. It’s a betrayal of American values.

I shouldn't even need to say this, but having a child doesn’t magically transform someone into an exemplary citizen. While parents have an important and often thankless job, the decision to have kids should not automatically give them a greater voice in our democracy. And aside from all the childfree folks, what about families struggling to conceive? Parents who’ve lost children? Queer couples who want kids but can’t yet afford adoption or fertility treatments? The simple act of voting would always remind them of their hardship — and how the government punishes them for it. 

• While I was still visiting my parents, Jen Zoratti, a childfree-by-choice columnist in the local Winnipeg Free Press, offered her thoughts: "It takes a village of respectful opinions." 
• "It takes a village," she writes.  "Beware of politicians trying to burn that village to the ground."   
• Sample passage:  

Imagine having such impossibly narrow definitions of love and fulfilment, as well as what women’s lives can look like. Imagine being unable — or unwilling — to consider that people are capable of caring about kids who don’t share their DNA. Imagine being so casually and needlessly cruel to women who are navigating pregnancy loss and infertility.

From where I’m sitting, that’s far more pitiful and selfish and miserable than a woman living the life she wants to live.

• Thank you to Sandra McNicol at Childless Life on Instagram for flagging this opinion piece from the Marshall (MN) Independent by Sheri Ayaquica:  "All citizens — even those without kids — have stake in future of country."  Worth a read! Here's just one observation, with which I think most of us CNBCers will heartily agree:  

JD Vance has said, “having children, becoming a father, becoming a mother, I really do think it changes your perspective in a pretty profound way.” While I fully believe that this must be true, and I accept that parents have experiences and insights which are beyond my purview, I would also like to assert that childlessness, infertility, pregnancy loss and child loss also change one’s perspective in a deeply profound way, and I would dare to assert that they likely change one’s perspective in a way beyond most parents’ purview.

• Sarah at Apricot Lane Coaching in the UK commented on the Vance kerfuffle with a post titled "My (Apparently) Miserable Life." 

I wonder why the assumption persists that the life of a "childless cat lady" is a life of misery, Do people that have given birth to children have lives of constant joy and elation? 

Yes, I sometimes feel sad that I didn't have children. Clients often begin coaching with me when they are in the depths of misery and, yes, they do sometimes feel like they will never be OK again. But we find ways to process grief and sadness and move forwards towards fulfilling and happy lives. 

If we are lucky, we all have times of happiness, contentment and joy that outweigh times of sadness, frustration and even misery...whether we are parents, step-parents, childless, child-free, cat-lovers or not.

• From Christy Staats, a single, childless-not-by-choice, former Christian missionary, in the Akron Beacon-Journal (in Vance's home state), via Yahoo News:  "JD Vance speaks with contempt about childless women: We don’t deserve it." 

We have a problem of lazy elected officials who use fear and contempt to run for office instead of good policies and problem solving, hope and future building. We do need to solve the housing crisis, but blaming Haitians in Springfield is not going to fix it. We do need to solve the demographic decline, but criticizing childless women will not solve it...

Politicians need to stop oversimplifying hard problems and throwing people under the bus who don’t deserve that. 

• "JD Vance is wrong: Childless people have a lot to contribute" write Bobbi Nodell in the Seattle Times. 

I’m single without kids. Not by choice, but through a series of events involving my marriage, health and career....

I have given so much to society and have a stake in its future.

I worked for 12 years at a homeless shelter, helped start a nonprofit for unemployed coffee workers in Nicaragua and campaigned for candidates. I have helped single mom friends — always being their go-to person. I worked in global health with the belief that all lives are equal. I support my friends’ kids. And I have been there every step of the way as my parents aged. I now teach yoga to active older adults and anyone who wants to learn. I love my life and the ability to give back.

For many years, I felt less of a person for not having kids...

 But I never stopped helping kids or society,

• Katherine Baldwin, who Substacks at "From Midlife With Love," answers the question "What's my stake in the future if I don't have kids?" (Definitely worth a read.) 

• Kat Rosenfeld ponders "What the Childless Among Us Leave Behind." Subhead: "The history of human achievement is, in part, a history of cat ladies and cat dudes, staking their lives on a dream bigger than themselves." (Most of the article is paywalled, but I was able to read it all via Pocket.) Sample passage (and I love this thought so much!): 

I think that there’s more than one way to populate the planet—if not with children, then with other things. With invention and discovery. With art and beauty. With lovely things that keep blooming, long after we’ve left the world behind.

• From MSNBC, by Keturah Kendrick:  "Why we ‘childless cat ladies’ are JD Vance’s biggest fear." 
• "As a woman who has chosen not to raise children, and who first expressed my disinterest in motherhood when I was 10, I’m not surprised by Vance’s remarks,"  she writes. (I can't imagine very many of us are...!) 
• I LOVE her parting words:  
  

Whether miserable or joyful, what childless cat ladies have in great abundance is time. And we’re looking forward to making use of it in November. Our schedules tend to be more flexible than mothers, particularly those who have chosen to procreate with macho men like Vance. We’ll be first in line at the polls, happily making good use of the time that Vance is upset we have.

• This 2021 Medium piece from Yael Wolfe, about Vance's original comments and the media coverage of them (which I wrote about here), remains relevant:  there's been a lot of discussion about "childless cat ladies" -- and there has, thankfully, been a much greater number of published opinion pieces this time around from childless and childfree people, objecting to Vance's remarks and explaining why they are so offensive.  A few media articles have quoted reactions from high-profile childless/free celebrities, such as Jennifer Aniston and Ana Navarro (as mentioned above). And his comments seem to have opened a lot of parents' eyes, too:  there have been lots of supportive comments from them, which has been (mostly) nice to see. (More on that further below.)  
• BUT -- I (still) haven't seen many (any?) childless or childfree people -- cat ladies or others -- interviewed in a straight-news or analysis piece about their lives and their reactions to Vance's remarks. 
• And too often, the coverage of Vance's comments (and conservative hostility towards people without children in general) devolves into a discussion of why it's so hard for people to have families and be parents these days, and what governments can do to better support and encourage them. (Lack of maternity leave and daycare in the U.S., etc.)  Which, to be sure, is a big issue and part of the problem -- but NOT the immediate issue at hand!  (Sorry, parents, but it's NOT always about you! -- this time it is -- AND it should be -- about US.) 
• Case in point:  Vance's wife, Usha, defended her husband on Fox News, saying that he was just making "a quip" (i.e., a joke)(!) -- that “What he was really saying is that it can be really hard to be a parent in this country, and sometimes our policies are designed in a way that make it even harder.” 
• Nice try, Usha, but...!  It may be true (that it's hard to be a parent and lack of supportive policies makes it even harder) -- but we all know that is NOT what he was saying or meaning when he was disparaging "childless cat ladies."  
• I love the sarcasm of this Vanity Fair headline: "JD Vance’s Wife: My Husband Only Meant to Insult People Who Actively Choose Not to Have Kids, Not People Who Are Trying but Are Unsuccessful." 
• Said Yael Wolfe in 2021:  

Needless to say, I’m flummoxed. I cannot fathom why big media outlets wouldn’t be knocking down the doors of childless people — women, in particular — to address this nonsense, to defend ourselves and our own, and to share our experience of what it’s like to live in a culture that is so violently pronatalist that it would actually suggest that childless people shouldn’t get an equal say in a democracy.

• I guess part of the problem is that, as a group, we are still a diverse and largely unknown entity. (And silent -- particularly the CNBCers among us.)  When most people who are parents this about people without children, the assumption is usually that if we don't have kids, we didn't want them. Those of us who are CNBC are often an afterthought (because these days, there's IVF!  there's adoption!  etc. etc....).  
• And who would speak for us? Who are our spokespeople?  Within our CNBC community, we know who some of our major role models would be (Jody Day, Katy Seppi...) -- and I'm sure there are similar figures within the childfree by choice community -- but (with all due respect and love and props to these amazing role models and advocates) they are not household names in the way that Gloria Steinem was/is for the women's movement, or that, say, John Lewis was for civil rights. (Jennifer Aniston?? -- well, a girl can dream, can't she?) Unlike other marginalized groups, we don't have a national or international advocacy organization like NAACP or NOW to speak for us. (Yet?) 

• HuffPost (via Yahoo News) published a rare article that DOES include a selection of more than three dozen emails received from livid non-parents reactions ("a massive and unlikely voting bloc" -- why unlikely??):  "Childless Cat Ladies Claw Vance: We 'Don’t Exist To Fulfill Your Baby-Making Fantasies'." Definitely worth a read!   I especially loved this comment at the very end: 

Laura Belgray, who is 54 and has no children, living in New York, told HuffPost that she thinks Vance has done a real service for Harris’ campaign by uniting so many people ― i.e., voters ― in their disgust with his comments.

“Your position, which you stand by, makes you and your running mate more beatable,” Belgray said, addressing Vance. “And, you did a great favor to all of us childfree women (whether by choice or not) by stirring up this conversation that’s been missing from the public for so long.”

“We’ve come together,” she added, “and feel so much less alone.”

• And it looks like the public generally is not amused by Vance's comments either.  From the Guardian, on Aug. 6th: "JD Vance pleads sarcasm in latest effort to clean up ‘childless cat ladies’ remark." I was heartened when I read this paragraph:  

Democrats, and outside voices including the actor Jennifer Aniston, have branded the “childless cat ladies” comments as offensive. Polling shows the public agrees. On Tuesday a University of Massachusetts Amherst poll showed 64% of respondents saying they disapproved of the statement that not having biological children hindered Harris’s ability to be president. Only 15% of Republicans approved.

• Even when mainstream media does cover these subjects, they don't always get it quite right. Case in point:  "J.D. Vance said Kamala Harris has no kids. Stepparents would like a word," writes Caitlin Gibson in the Washington Post. (Subhead:  "The vice president is stepmother to two children, but that hasn’t stopped her opponents from suggesting she isn’t a real parent.") 
• On the one hand, this is a great defense of the valuable role many step-parents play in the lives of children.  
• On the other hand, Jess felt that Gibson's piece "Missed the Mark" (and I'll admit I got the same uncomfortable vibe here too):    

It was a great opportunity for people to assert that yes, not having children (biological or not) is NOT A DISQUALIFYING CHARACTERISTIC. That your qualifications and stake in the future have nothing to do with the (in)activities of your womb.

 

But, instead, it seemed the chorus became BUT SHE'S A STEPMOM! SHE'S MOMALA! which sure made me feel like the message was "OH GOD NO, she's NOT one of those SAD childless women, she HAS KIDS she's helped to raise! She's really ONE OF US!" 

• I commented in a similar vein in a post from November 2020, when Biden was (finally!) declared the winner of that year's election:  

Of course Kamala Harris is also a hero to childless/free women because she's never had children -- although she became a stepmom to her husband's two teenaged kids when they got married six years ago -- thus allowing her to talk about being "Momala" and placate those who find a completely childless/free woman unacceptable to vote for...! (eye roll) 

• (As I mentioned in this review of her book, aside from her role as "Momala" to her husband's two children, who were teenagers when they married, when Harris was in her late 40s, Harris has never spoken publicly about whether she wanted biological children. Which is, of course, her prerogative -- but whether her biological childlessness was by choice or otherwise, it sure would be nice to have her as a spokesperson and advocate, wouldn't it?) 

• One mainstream media piece that actually delves into the topic of declining fertility rates in a relatively thoughtful way (albeit it still presents childlessness as a "choice" and doesn't includes quotes from any childless or childfree people themselves)  came from the New York Times (gift link): "Why Are So Many Americans Choosing to Not Have Children?" 

Many Americans in their teens and 20s still report that they want two children, said Sarah Hayford, the director of the Institute for Population Research at Ohio State University. The fact that many of those adults don’t realize those goals probably means that external factors are making it more difficult to be a parent, she said.

• Sarah from Afterward Honesty, has a new Substack! And in her first post there, she takes on Vance, his recent remarks, and the daily barrage of hurtful comments and behaviours that CNBC people are subjected to. "It’s time to start to unpack our unconscious biases towards all people without children," she concludes. Sample passage:  

I sat in front of my tv, mouth agape, as I witnessed for the first time ever childless people take the floor.  As numerous panel members identified themselves as childless, and maybe shared some personal aspect of their story, other panel members said very little and did their best to be thoughtful and careful with their words.  “Well I’ll be damned” I thought.  I’d been waiting ten plus years for this, and made sure to drink it all in.

And, I finally was able to find some surprise.  That fact that people were surprised and even shocked by Mr. Vance’s words surprised me. [Note from Loribeth:  I was surprised that they were so surprised too, Sarah!] “Don’t people know that this is what childless people deal with to one degree or another throughout our lives?” I pondered.

• I shared my discomfort on this blog about how parents who also find Vance's remarks outrageous are demonstrating their enthusiasm... by claiming that they, too, are "childless cat ladies."  (!!) 
• Ummmm, no. Just... no.  It's been heartening to see the support (thank you!), and yes, you may be a cat lady -- but if you have kids, even if they're grown up now and out of the house, you are NOT childless. (Sorry.)  
• Thank you to Mel for sharing my post in her recent Friday Blog Roundup!  

• And, while I rarely post on social media about loss/infertility/childless topics, I was moved to share this Instagram post from Rest Your Heart Here (Tanya Hubbard) on my Facebook page, with this note:  

I don't often comment on these things, but it needs to be said:  As someone who was never able to have the children I wanted (but who has managed to build a pretty good life for herself, regardless), recent political comments in the U.S. (about "childless cat ladies" and "psychos," etc.) have been both hurtful and infuriating, to me and to other childless & childfree people around the world. More than 20% of women 40 and older in North America do not and will not have children, for many different reasons, and that number is growing. We may not be mothers, but we are (or could be) your daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces, cousins, friends, neighbours, co-workers, fellow citizens -- and we contribute a lot to our families, workplaces, communities and countries (including taxes that support YOUR children!).  

This Instagram post was written by a therapist who works with the childless-not-by-choice community -- it's worth clicking over to read the caption. 

(For the record, I have never owned a cat.  😉😂)

• Sue Fagalde Lick at Married and Childless says "Enough with the ‘Childless Cat Lady’ craziness!"  "Let’s support all sorts of families, including yours and mine," she says. I agree, Sue!    

• And Kate Kaufmann, in her "Unapparent" column (lol -- love that title) in Psychology Today, has a few words of sound advice to offer: "Calling All Cat Ladies and Other Non-Parents: Here's how to deal with all the buzz about people who don't have kids." 

We’ve been present in our communities from time immemorial, often relegated to the sidelines. So, what shall we do with this unexpected spotlight? Let’s drop the veil of stigma and defensiveness and simply share the realities of who we are and how we organize our lives.

What cat lady time offers us is the opportunity to flex our voices and offer our truths. What it’s like not having kids in a culture high on family. How it feels to be called out for not being a parent when we offer so much to the texture of our society.

Let us learn from other movements—Civil Rights, Gay Pride, #MeToo, Black Lives Matter, and so many more...

As one of the remaining bastions of marginalization, remaining silent invites further misunderstanding and widens the gulf between parents and non-parents.

These are just SOME of the articles I've found recently -- and I wasn't able to keep on top of my regularly newsletter/blog/Substack reading while I was away visiting my parents!  This is getting pretty lengthy -- so I think I will end this post for now, with a sequel to follow later, depending on what other/new goodies I find. :) 

26

26 years ago today (!), our daughter (Kathleen Maria/Katie) was stillborn, 26 weeks into my pregnancy. (Monday was 26 years since I went for the fateful ultrasound, where I learned her heart had stopped beating.)  

Dh & I have been talking about this day for a while now, and making plans for our traditional trip to the cemetery today with flowers and other decorations for her niche, etc.  

But last night, I was sitting on the couch,  watching TV and browsing on my laptop -- and suddenly it just HIT me:  "Holy crap, it's TOMORROW!  And it's been 26 YEARS!"  (And: "How can that be??")  

And I went into the other room, where dh was reading, and told him what I was thinking, and I started crying. I told him, "I haven't forgotten!  I KNOW it's tomorrow!" (We've been talking about it since we got back from visiting my parents, more than a week ago.)  

But I remember how in those first few years, I was painfully aware, every single day, as the day drew closer, what I'd been doing on that day, X number of years earlier -- and counting down the days in my mind, and building towards that. (The anticipation has always been far worse than the day itself, for me.)  And part of me is kind of glad that the overwhelming raw grief doesn't take up as much space in my head and my life as it once did.  

In recent years, this day has kind of snuck up on me, in a way I never could have imagined 26 years ago (as it did yesterday). Like I said, it's not that I forget -- it just doesn't preoccupy my every waking thought the way it once did.  

But sometimes it just hits you all over again -- like it did last night -- just how long it's been, and what a big deal it was and still is in our lives, and how different our lives would be today, if she were here. 

*** *** *** 

Happily, for a sad day, it turned out to be a pretty nice day. (For one thing, the heat and humidity from last week has dissipated, and we've had the balcony door wide open for most of the past two days! Glorious!)  We left here mid-morning, picked up some flowers and headed to the cemetery, back near our old community, a 30-40 minute drive away. After spending some time there, we went for lunch at a cafe we used to frequent (they make great chicken Caesar wraps). Then over to our old hangout, the mega-bookstore (same chain as the one here). It's larger with more stock than our local store here -- and it's also been completely renovated and rebranded (from Chapters to Indigo) since our last visit there (at least a year ago, maybe two?).  

Then we went through the drive-through at Dairy Queen (a tradition on/around this date) -- a Skor Blizzard for me, plain cone for dh before heading home.  

While sitting in the parking lot enjoying our ice cream, we spotted a monarch butterfly fluttering nearby. Coincidence?  :)  

Tradition!  ;)  

"Swing Time" by Zadie Smith

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"Swing Time" by Zadie Smith is the August selection for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club, which focuses on books where motherhood and babies are not the focus. I've heard of Zadie Smith, but haven't read anything else by her before this. 

"Swing Time" is the story of two "brown girls" (mixed race) growing up in London -- our narrator (who is never named) and her friend Tracey.  They are dance classmates, and both dream of becoming dancers. As they grow up, however, their lives go in very different directions. Tracey pursues her dancing ambitions, while our narrator winds up travelling the world as the personal assistant to Aimee, a world-famous Australian pop star, who has elaborate philanthropic plans to open a school for girls in West Africa.  The narrative jumps back & forth between past and present, London, New York and Africa.  

In many ways, this is a beautifully written book. The quality of the prose is top-notch. There were some interesting observations & themes explored -- identity, culture, celebrity, race/racism, activism, capitalism, colonialism, white saviourism, classic movie musicals... 

BUT.  I have to admit, this was kind of a slog to get through, and it took a LOT longer than I had anticipated. (I started on July 8th!! = a full month!!)  If it wasn't for the fact that it was for the book club (and that I'm one of the co-hosts, albeit this wasn't "my" month to lead the discussions), I probably would have set it aside (possibly permanently -- which I VERY rarely do!).  At 450ish pages (depending on your edition), it WAS a long one, and it didn't help that July was a busy month with a lot of distractions. But beyond that, I just didn't find the characters that interesting/sympathetic (perhaps a little more so towards the end), and it felt like it was probably at least 1/3 longer than it needed to be. The story did pick up somewhat in the final chapters (after wandering along for what seemed like forever) -- but for me, it was too little too late. 

3 stars.   

ALI notes:  The narrator and one of the secondary characters in Africa bond over the absence of children in their lives. (Part 6, Chapter 2). And there's an adoption near the end (by one of the secondary characters in the book) that's the catalyst that brings together a number of threads from throughout the book into a climactic finale. 

Also:  As children, the narrator and Tracey are fascinated by the dancers in Hollywood movie musicals. In particular, they fixate on a black woman dancer & actress named Jeni LeGon.  I began to suspect LeGon was a real person, and a quick Google confirmed that she was.  She was the first Black woman to sign a long-term contract with a major movie studio (MGM). Originally from Chicago, she moved to Vancouver in the 1960s and taught dance classes there. There are clips from her movies available to watch on YouTube. In 1999, she was also the subject of an award-winning National Film Board of Canada documentary, " Jeni LeGon: Living in a Great Big Way." 

LeGon died in Vancouver in 2012 at the age of 96. She didn't have any children. Here's her New York Times obituary (gift link),  and one from the Independent (UK). 

In the acknowledgements at the end of the book, Smith writes, "Thanks to Eleanor Wachtel, for introducing me to the matchless Jeni LeGon."  Eleanor Wachtel was the host of CBC Radio One's long-running program about books, writers and other literary matters, "Writers & Company," for 33 years before her retirement in 2023, and a quick search of the program's archives shows that she interviewed Smith many times. 

This was Book #23 read to date in 2024 (and Book #1 finished in August), bringing me to 51%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 4 books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."