International Women's Day -- for childless women too

It's International Women's Day, which was never much of a thing when I was younger, but has gained momentum as an event/day of note in recent years. I suspect this is largely due to two factors: (1) the latest wave of the women's movement, fuelled by #MeToo, etc., and (2) IWD-related marketing campaigns by corporations seeking goodwill from their female customers and prospects.

Jody Day of Gateway Women in the U.K. has a great post about IWD from the childless-not-by choice perspective, and I'd encourage you all to read it (& watch the embedded TEDTalk video too, if you haven't already seen it).

Of course, "Celebrating women means childless women too!"  I think most people would reflexively agree (as I did at first).

But does it, really?

Jody reminds us that as many as one in five (20%) of women do not have children (the majority not by choice) -- and yet "womanhood and motherhood are routinely conflated" -- in particular by employers (who seem to believe that "family-friendly" policies, by definition, mean "woman friendly");  by marketers, who routinely target "Mom" in their ad campaigns;  and by politicians, who love to talk about their "family values" and policies that benefit "hard-working families."

"It’s time that marketeers and social policy thinkers understood that not all women are mothers or grandmothers and that not everyone has a family poised to take care of them in old age," she writes.

I did (thankfully) see plenty of inclusive tributes to women on my social media feeds. But after reading Jody's article, I couldn't help but notice how many of my friends were posting tributes to & photos of their daughters (as well as their mothers) -- and how many references there were to "raising the next generation." I even heard (via my CNBC friends & sites) about IWD events where motherhood and support for mothers was the main topic of discussion. Ugh.

As someone said in a Facebook comment on Jody's story, "On a day like today I expected a much wider scope -- it's International Women's Day not International Mothers' Day.'"

IWD is a day when (unlike Mother's Day) I would expect to feel solidarity with all ALL my global sisters.  I hope that, as IWD continues to grow in prominence, it doesn't become another "holiday" where (along with Mother's Day, Father's Day and now Family Day) my "otherness" gets rubbed in my face.  Let's keep IWD focused on the progress and achievements and common interests that bring ALL women together, regardless of their childbearing status.

"Educated" by Tara Westover

You all know that I love me a good memoir -- and I was intrigued when I saw "Educated" by Tara Westover at the local mega-bookstore on Saturday night.  I'd heard nothing about this book before then, but the blurb on the inside flap & praise on the back cover intrigued me (plus, it was on sale, lol), so I bought it. 

While sometimes I dither when I buy a new book (do I want to get into this one now? should I read that other one first?), I dived right in.  By the time I went to bed a few hours later, I was almost 2/3 of the way through. I picked it up again yesterday afternoon and finished it later that evening. (I probably would have finished it sooner than I did, but we went to a movie on Sunday afternoon, and then it was time for the Oscars. ;)  )

Westover grew up on an isolated mountain property in southern Idaho, the youngest of seven children. Her family was Mormon, in a largely Mormon community -- but her father's bizarre beliefs about the Illuminati, the evils of government and the need to prepare for the imminent end of the world set her family apart from the mainstream. Guns, ammunition and gasoline tanks were stashed all over the property. Westover helped her mother can endless jars of peaches in preparation for the coming end times and (like all her siblings) slept with a "head for the hills" bag, ready to run from evil government agents at a moment's notice. She did not have a birth certificate, was not immunized, never saw a doctor and never attended school. Her education consisted mostly of reading texts by the Founding Fathers of the United States and Mormon prophets. She spent most of her younger years helping her mother (a midwife and homeopathic healer) deliver babies (ALI note & caveat: there are some disturbing stories about semi-disastrous deliveries and prematurely born infants) and brew up essential oils and herbal remedies.

Later, as a teenager, she worked with her brothers in her father's junkyard.  Scant attention was paid to workplace safety, and many of the Westovers (including Tara herself) endured some horrific injuries and accidents as a result (which were ultimately chalked up to "God's will" and tended to by her mother).  As she grew older, her father became increasingly radical in his beliefs (and likely mentally ill), while one of her brothers grew increasingly violent -- towards Tara, as well as others. Her parents made excuses for him and tried to convince Tara that it was all in her imagination.

Encouraged by one of her other brothers, Westover taught herself enough to pass the ACT (a standardized college admissions test, similar to the SAT) and was accepted to Brigham Young University in Utah when she was just 17. To say she was unprepared for the challenges she would face there -- academic and otherwise -- is an understatement.  (Prime example: She stunned her professor and classmates when she asked what the word "Holocaust" meant.)  Gradually, she found her academic groove ("read the textbook" turned out to be excellent advice).  Her hunger to learn and to explore the world took her from BYU to Cambridge, Harvard, and back to Cambridge again, where she eventually earned her PhD in history.

Inevitably, Westover's education and growing sense of self drove a wedge between her and her family.  She began to ask herself: what do we owe to our families? to society? What do we owe to ourselves? And what do we do when those obligations come into conflict with each other?  (These questions ultimately formed the basis of her PhD thesis, as well as this book.)

I gave this book five stars on Goodreads. It was intense and powerful, at times disturbing, and beautifully written. Ultimately, it was a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.

I will be thinking about it for a long, long time.

This was book #4 that I've read so far in 2018, bringing me to 17% of my 2018 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am -- so far! ;)  -- on track to meet my goal.  :) 

#MicroblogMondays: Let's talk Oscar

So who watched the Oscars last night?  If you've read my blog for a while, you'll know that while my interest in other awards shows has waned over the years, Oscar night has always been (and still is)  pretty much sacred at my house, and that I haven't missed one in the 45+ years since I started staying up late (on a school night!!) to watch with my mother. I never get to see too much of the red carpet show, because it bores dh silly and we only have one TV now, but once the orchestra strikes up the music and the main show starts, it's all mine....!

I was better prepared for staying up to the end this year, since I got lots of practice over the past two weeks, staying up till midnight or later watching figure skating at the Olympics. ;)  Also, it helps to be retired and know you can sleep in the next morning, lol.  ;)  (Personally, it was worth staying up to the end to see Helen Mirren aboard a jetski, lol.)  I didn't think it was the greatest Oscar show ever, but it wasn't the worst either.  And while both the actress & supporting actress won for mom roles, and there were plenty of the usual shoutouts to Mom & the kids in the acceptance speeches, there wasn't a lot of gushing about the wonders of motherhood (as there has been in some years past), which was a relief....!

I'm not sure I would want to go to an actual Oscars party -- I love watching by myself at home, curled up on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn and a bag of chips, blank ballot at the ready to mark off the winners as the envelopes get opened.  Which is not to say I don't enjoy hearing what other people have to say. :)  I belong to an annual online Oscars pool organized on Facebook by some online friends, & there's a running winners' tally & commentary on FB during the telecast. I've actually never entered the pool (and I should -- I think I would have a pretty good chance, because even if I haven't seen the nominated movies myself, I've usually read a lot & know who all the favourites are...) but I love following the conversation. So I keep my laptop close by and check out various live blogs & Facebook for commentary while the commercials are on.

So let's have some day-after conversation here in the comments.  Did you watch? Thoughts? Favourite dress?  Dress that made you wince? Favourite speech? Moment(s) that made you cheer? Cringe?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Right now

Right now... (an occasional meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"):

Reading:  To date, I've finished three books (out of my Goodreads 2018 Reading Challenge goal of 24 books).  Haven't started another one yet (decisions, decisions...). 

Recent purchases: "How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future" by Steven Levitsky & Daniel Ziblatt, and "Devil's Bargain: Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and the Storming of the Presidency" by Joshua Green. 

Watching:  Well, the Winter Olympics are over -- time to get off the couch, lol.  I always adore watching the Olympics & especially the winter edition, but by the end, I am always somewhat relieved to get back to normal and away from the TV set, lol.  Too many late nights. I'm still catching up on my sleep...! 

I caught up on the episodes of season 2 of "Victoria" on PBS that I'd PVRd during the Olympics in time for the season finale. The wait begins for season 3....!  (By the way, I noticed PBS will be showing a new adaptation of "Little Women" this spring. The catch?  The first episode airs May 13th -- i.e., Mother's Day....!) 

I dived back into "Designated Survivor" this week, which hadn't been on since a mid-season cliffhanger back in November. Plots still as ridiculous as ever, but still I watch...! 

I still have to watch CNN's multi-part documentary about Patty Hearst, which I PVRd (it was on at the same time as both "Victoria" & the Olympics). And I have not made much use of my Netflix subscription lately. 

On the big screen: We didn't get to the movies at all during the Olympics, although we are hoping to see" Black Panther" soon (waiting for the crowds to die down a little bit).  We've seen just 3 of the 9 Best Picture nominees for this weekend's Oscars:  Darkest Hour, The Shape of Water, and The Post.  Looking forward: to watching the Oscars on Sunday night (as I always do!)! 

Listening:  To... nothing in particular lately. I subscribed to the Pod Save America podcast recently, because it sounded interesting, but I haven't listened to one episode yet.  Just not something I'm in the habit of doing, I guess.    

Following:  I WAS following the Olympics. What now? 

Feeling:  A little bored and restless. (What can I say... it's been a loooonnnngggggg winter....)   

Eating:  We'd laid off on eating tortellini/ravioli for the last year or so, because dh was sick of it, but it's back on the menu (as well as gnocchi), with pesto sauce & parmesan cheese (because I can't eat tomato sauce).  Yum! 

Also: Lindor chocolate mini-Easter eggs. (Double yum!  :)  ) 

Wearing:  Winter coat. Still. SIGH. :p  

Buying (besides books, lol):  Birthday gifts!  Within less than three days this past week, we went to birthday celebrations for dh's aunt's 85th and his uncle's 80th.  We took a plant for his aunt, who lives in an assisted living facility, and a nice bottle of wine to his uncle. 

Enduring:  Yet ANOTHER visit from Aunt Flo, just 33 days after the last one. :p  I am starting to think she is really never, ever going to go away (despite the assurances from my gynecologist that she will, eventually...).   

Grateful:  That February is FINALLY over...!!  (Yes, it's not an "-ing" word, but it's how I'm feeling...!) 

"Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder" by Caroline Fraser

I was happy to finally get my hands on a copy of "Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder" by Caroline Fraser -- one of the best-reviewed books of 2017. Like many of you, I grew up reading Wilder's Little House books (over & over again), and I watched the sugarcoated TV adaptation in the 1970s (although I was not as rabid a fan of that as some -- I preferred the books).  My own ancestors came to the prairies of northwestern Minnesota around the same time that Wilder and her family moved from southern Minnesota to the plains of South Dakota, and it thrilled me as a child to realize that my family too had been homesteading pioneers like Laura Ingalls and her clan. In later years, one of the happiest memories I have from my pregnancy is sitting up in bed & reading "Little House in the Big Woods" aloud to my growing belly, as dh watched from the bedroom doorway, a huge smile on his face.

As an adult, I've enjoyed learning more about Wilder and her family, and have read several relevant books about her life and influence, including "Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography" which I reviewed here. That book included both the manuscript of "Pioneer Girl," Wilder's handwritten memoir, which formed the foundation of the Little House books, as well as the story of how Wilder and her daughter, Rose Wilder Lane, worked together to shape the manuscript, plus extensive footnotes verifying the historical accuracy of the people, places and events referenced.

Like "Pioneer Girl," "Prairie Fires" is a multifaceted book.  It's not just a biography of Laura but also the story of her family -- her family of origin, including her parents' families and roots, and also that of her husband, Almanzo Wilder. It's also the story of Laura & Almanzo's headstrong daughter, author/journalist Rose Wilder Lane, whose relationship with her parents, and especially her mother, was highly complex and even dysfunctional. The two women collaborated closely on the writing and editing of the Little House books (and Lane borrowed freely from her mother's stories for her own writing projects), and we learn more about how they worked together and how the books took shape.  Finally, the book places Laura & her family in the context of the times in which they lived -- with some themes that continue to resonate today, 150+ years after Laura was born.

Prior to reading "Pioneer Girl," I hadn't known very much about Rose Wilder Lane, and I learned much, much more from this book. She does not emerge as a very likeable or sympathetic figure. She was a harsh critic of her mother's writing, even as she plagiarized it for her own purposes & projects. She held extreme right-wing views (Ayn Rand was an acquaintance) and preached the virtues of self-reliance and independence -- even as her life became inextricably entwined with her parents'.  (She promised to support her parents for the rest of their lives, and built them a new house they never asked for -- while, at the same time, she borrowed money from them to pay down her own debts.)  She lived with them on their farm near Mansfield, Missouri, on & off throughout her life, until 1936 (eventually settling in Danbury, Connecticut).  Her father never saw her again:  she did not return home to visit (despite his offers to send her train fare) until his funeral in 1949.

However, I will admit I am inclined to give Rose at least a little slack: like both her mother Laura and grandmother Caroline, she lost a baby -- a boy, stillborn in 1909 in Salt Lake City, Utah. (The child's death certificate only surfaced recently.) 

For a young woman, such a painful and chaotic experience must have been made even more traumatic by the fact that she was miles from home, family, and friends. She may have known her husband for only a year or so. She had probably never seen the inside of a hospital before.  

After that loss, under circumstances never explained, Lane underwent a surgical procedure in Kansas City sometime during the winter of 1909-1910. Recovery after a stillbirth can be difficult, and in this case there were apparently complications -- perhaps bleeding, infection, or retention of part of the placenta in the uterus, which often results in blood poisoning and can be fatal. Rose would never write about the experience in detail but would later describe her state of mind as "a kind of delirium." She was not physically "normal" between 1909 and 1911, she would say, or mentally fit until 1914. The surgery may have left her unable to have children. (pp.213-214)

Eventually, Lane experienced a nervous breakdown, and plunged into a deep depression that was to plague her, on & off, throughout her life, until her death in 1968. She never had another child or remarried after her divorce (in fact, she became bitterly anti-marriage) -- although she "adopted" several young (mostly male) proteges throughout her lifetime, most notably her eventual heir, Roger Lea MacBride, who ran for President on the Libertarian Party ticket in 1976. (He was endorsed by none other than Charles Koch -- yes, THAT Charles Koch.) None of Laura's sisters -- Mary, Carrie and Grace -- had children either -- so the Charles Ingalls family tree ended with Laura's daughter -- just as the branch of the family I grew up in will end with me and my childfree-by-choice sister.

I would like to say that if you are a fan of Laura Ingalls Wilder, this is an absolute must-read book. A cautionary note, however. Several reviewers on Goodreads -- while acknowledging the impressive quality of the research and writing -- admitted they could not finish the book, or found it a difficult book to read. The reality of Laura's life was much more harsh, dark and complex than the one portrayed in the books -- or, perhaps more accurately, the warm & fuzzy memories they conjure up. Caveat emptor.

Personally, I found this book fascinating and hard to put down (although it did take me a whole month to wade through it). :)  (Long and detailed, but utterly absorbing.) I will admit to reaching for the Kleenex box at several points. :) 

This was book #3 that I've read so far in 2018, bringing me to 13% of my 2018 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am -- so far! ;)  -- on track to meet my goal.  :)  

#MicroblogMondays: Good stuff, bad stuff...

First, the not-so-good stuff:

• Aunt Flo is here. Again. :p (Boo, hiss...) 
• It's STILL February... (for a short month, it's been a loonnngggg month...) 

The good stuff: 

• It's been milder and the sun has been shining these past few days (yay!).  I left my coat unzipped as we walked across the parking lot from the car to the supermarket today (living dangerously!!  lol).  Dare I hope that spring might (just might) be on the way?? 
• (FINALLY!) Taking the subway downtown from the new extension station near us (a 10-minute drive from our condo). 
• Spending time with dh's extended family over the weekend, including a birthday celebration for a beloved aunt.  
• Older Nephew's puppy going nuts when he sees me. :)
• Dress for Younger Nephew's wedding is ready for pickup at the seamstress, where I've been having some alterations done. :)  
• Lindor milk chocolate mini-Easter eggs. :) 
• A record 29 Canadian medals at the Olympics to celebrate, including gold in ice dancing and bronze in both pairs & women's figure skating. :)   (We won't talk about the curling, lol...)  
• Oscar night is Sunday!!  :)  
• The amazing kids from Marjory Stoneman Douglas school in Parkland, Florida. They've blown me away with what they've endured and what they've been able to accomplish in such a short period of time -- and they give me a glimmer of hope for America's future. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Lena Dunham & making tough reproductive choices

I should start by saying that, while I know who Lena Dunham is, and that she is a somewhat outspoken & controversial celebrity figure, I have never watched an episode of "Girls" or formed my own opinion about her. I had heard about her struggles with endometriosis, and that she recently had a hysterectomy to try to resolve the problem permanently.

I just read Dunham's essay about her experience from Vogue magazine. I have never had to deal with endometriosis (although I have wondered, sometimes...), but there was much in her article that was familiar -- from the doctors who held out hope even as Dunham herself knew better, to coming to the end of a long-held dream, only because the pain (physical for her, emotional/mental for me) of hanging on got to be too much, to making a "choice" that creates a new kind of pain at the same time that it resolves another kind.

But I know something else, too, and I know it as intensely as I know I want a baby: that something is wrong with my uterus. I can feel it, deeply specific yet unverified, despite so many tests and so much medical dialogue. I just sense that the uterus I have been given is defective. 

And while I’ve been battling endometriosis for a decade and this will be my ninth surgical procedure, no doctor has ever confirmed this for me. They’ve told me I have a slightly higher chance of miscarriage. They’ve told me not to wait forever to “get it going.” But through the 40-plus vaginal ultrasounds where I’m forced to stare at the black emptiness of my uterus, they say things like “Look at those egg follicles! You better be careful or you’ll have a baby next week!” Their goal is to preserve my fertility. That is what they consider to be their job. And I laugh and smile, but I know that the blank space, the black hole that is an empty womb captured on-screen, is all I’ll ever see...

In the operating room the lovely Haitian anesthesiologist, Dr. Lallemand, lets me select a favorite Rihanna song, and I try to absorb the gravity of the moment—at least a dozen people dressed in blue scrubs with face masks, the fact that I could run right now but instead I am choosing to stay, choosing this. I have to admit I am really choosing this—I gave up on more treatment. I gave up on more pain. I gave up on more uncertainty.

Dunham's hunch about her uterus was vindicated by the results of her hysterectomy:

I wake up surrounded by family and doctors eager to tell me I was right. My uterus is worse than anyone could have imagined. It’s the Chinatown Chanel purse of nightmares, full of both subtle and glaring flaws. In addition to endometrial disease, an odd humplike protrusion, and a septum running down the middle, I have had retrograde bleeding, a.k.a. my period running in reverse, so that my stomach is full of blood. My ovary has settled in on the muscles around the sacral nerves in my back that allow us to walk. Let’s please not even talk about my uterine lining. The only beautiful detail is that the organ—which is meant to be shaped like a lightbulb—was shaped like a heart... 

Because I had to work so hard to have my pain acknowledged, there was no time to feel fear or grief. To say goodbye. I made a choice that never was a choice for me, yet mourning feels like a luxury I don’t have. 

She still holds hope of having children, perhaps via egg freezing,  perhaps via adoption. I wish her luck.

*** *** ***

I came to Dunham's essay in a roundabout way, via an article from Slate:  "The Only Certainty in Reproductive Health Is Uncertainty."  "As a gynecologist, I am grateful whenever celebrities publish articles about their reproductive health,"  writes Anna Reinart.

These women, whose lives and bodies are already the focus of incredible public scrutiny, are laying bare one of the most private and vulnerable aspects of their life—all for the sake of raising awareness about a medical condition they share with other women...  

They also tend to receive a hefty amount criticism for doing so. Dunham’s piece certainly did, which is unsurprising, since her story highlights some of the most uncomfortable themes that I’ve encountered as a women’s health care provider—namely, the issues around reproductive self-determination and the capacity for informed consent.

(I am hearing here all the echoes of "Oh, don't give up!!" and "Have you tried/thought of...?")  I had an "ah-ha" moment of recognition/deja vu when I read:

At the core of the impulse to question Dunham’s choice is the myth that if women just try hard enough, they can achieve reproductive self-determination. We all want to believe that Lena Dunham has the ability to conceive and carry the pregnancy that she eloquently describes herself as having always dreamed of. We all want to believe that she has a right to parent the biologic children that she desires. But in the fight for women’s reproductive freedom, in our efforts to remove external constraints on women’s reproductive choices, we have forgotten the one internal constraint over which even medicine is often powerless: biology... I have comforted women suffering through [various fertility-related scenarios], trying to reconcile her long-standing belief that she had control over her reproduction with the reality imposed by her biology.

Reinert concludes:

...many times, there are simply no good answers. So before you judge Lena Dunham, yourself, or anybody else for the decisions they have made about their reproductive health, remember—we have influence, but not control over our biology. We can hope for the best, but we can’t expect it.

I've cherry-picked the passages from both articles that spoke most directly to me, but I encourage you to read them both in their entirety. And let me know what you think.