Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

Pandemic diary/update:  July was Month #28 (going on #29) of living with the COVID-19 pandemic. Wave #7 (!) -- driven by the Omicron A.5 sub-variant -- is officially here -- confirmed by Ontario's Chief Medical Officer of Health on July 6th (happy wedding anniversary to me...! -- not that I was at all surprised...).  And things will likely not improve once the colder weather arrives in the fall and we start moving back indoors... 

AND, of course, we are muddling through the summer with (almost) no mask mandates (and fewer & fewer people wearing them), no restrictions, stalled-out vaccination rates, and limited data -- (no) thanks to a recently re-elected provincial government & premier whose attitude over the past several months has basically been "move along, nothing to see here" and "you're own on." :p  (Both the premier and health minister have been mostly absent from public view and media availability over the past month, as the numbers climbed again, and as more and more hospitals are dealing with staff shortages and other resource issues, to the point of having to close emergency rooms, because they just can't handle the numbers.)  More and more people we know, as well as friends and family members of friends, and others in my social media feeds, are coming down with the virus, many for the first time, after managing to avoid it for the past two-and-a-half years -- including our ultra-cautious Younger Nephew.  

This Globe and Mail editorial from July 13th lays out the situation nicely. (This first-person essay by the marvellous Ian Brown is also worth a read -- and is not, I think, behind the paywall: "I caught COVID, again – this time, nobody cares.")

As of June 16th, the government has been reporting covid data weekly instead of daily (on Thursdays). :(  The Toronto Star (my main source of covid data) has started a brand-new weekly stats tracking page -- but not all data categories that were previously reported are still being disclosed there :(  although there are probably other places where that data could be found (if you hunt for it...!). 

Among the latest stats (last updated July 28th): 

• New case numbers & test positivity rates are no longer reported (on the Star's page, anyway -- not that they've been very accurate anyway, since PCR testing was limited/cut back at the peak of the Omicron outbreak in late December/early January). 

• Hospitalizations (people in hospitals testing positive for covid) increased from 538 on July 1st to 1,492 on July 28th (up 0.7% over the previous week). Peak was 1,529 on July 26th. 
• There were 101 patients with COVID-19 in Ontario's ICUs testing positive for COVID-19 or there for COVID-19 related illness on July 1st, and 138 on July 28th, up 9.5% over the previous week.  
• There were 9 deaths on July 1st and 15 on July 28th. Peak was 25 on July 27th. The 7-day average was 11.7, up 32.3% over the previous week.  
• On July 28th, 86.4% of Ontario's total population has had at least one vaccine, 83.4% had at least two, but just 50.8% had received a third dose. (No stats provided for fourth doses.)  These numbers have not budged much over the past couple of months. 
• Eligibility for fourth shots/second boosters here in Ontario was (finally!) expanded on July 14th to anyone 18 years old or older who received their first booster 5 months earlier or more. Previously, the second boosters were restricted to those aged 60 and older. Dh & I (being in that category) had ours in mid-May.  
• The province also announced then that it would continue to make free rapid tests available until the end of the year... just after I bought several boxes from an online supplier, of course...!

With a population of just over 14 million, Ontario has logged 1,350,212 (officially counted) cases of covid (37, 373 active) and 13,531 deaths. For Canada as a whole (population 38 million), those numbers are 4,027,954 cases and 42,589 deaths reported. (These numbers are from The Globe & Mail, as of July 22nd.) 

On the personal pandemic front: Despite the almost complete lack of both mask mandates and voluntary masking hereabouts, dh & I continue to wear them when out in public, and remain (mostly) socially distanced -- particularly toward the mid/end of the month, in anticipation of my eye surgery on July 25th. On top of dh's weekly (masked) trips to the supermarket for groceries and for occasional takeout lunches & dinners: 

• We visited SIL & Little Great-Nephew at BIL & SIL's house 3 times, including one morning when we stayed with LGN while SIL went for a medical appointment.    
• We spent a few hours on Canada Day (Friday, July 1st) at BIL & SIL's with both nephews, their wives, and Little Great-Nephew (entertaining us all!). (And the dog! -- miss him!!) 
• We dropped off some donations at Value Village (thrift shop), picked up light bulbs at Home Depot, an adapter for earphones for my cellphone at Best Buy, and then stopped at Chapters (bookstore), all on the afternoon of July 4th. 
• Back to Chapters and also to the drugstore on July 15th. 
• We treated ourselves to gelato on our 37th (!) wedding anniversary, July 6th. 
• BIL & SIL came over for coffee -- and wi-fi! -- after supper on July 8th, for the first time since the pandemic began.  Their telecomm provider -- Rogers, Canada's largest -- was out of service for the entire day, creating mass chaos across the country. (We're with the country's other major provider, Bell Canada, and were not affected -- other than not being able to contact anyone with Rogers!) 
• We went to StepMIL's 80th birthday party on Sunday, July 10th. The weather was gorgeous, fortunately, because there were about 40 people there, and we were able to be outside the whole afternoon. 
• We went back to our old community on the afternoon of July 16th for haircuts. 
• Later that afternoon, we headed up to Older Nephew's house for a joint birthday party for SIL & BIL (his 60th). It was just them, us, Older Nephew and Little Great-Nephew (and the dog), but we had a nice time. :) 
• Dh went to the urgent care clinic near us on July 21st, after almost two weeks of sneezing and itchy, red eyes & eyelids, :(  (He couldn't get an appointment with our own family doctor until July 29th! -- he went for a follow-up then, by which time he was feeling much better.)  He wound up going to two different drugstores afterward, trying to get his prescription filled. We think the culprit was a new variety of heavily scented shampoo, which he has stopped using. 
• We headed to a downtown hospital on July 25th for my eye surgery.
• And we had a family get-together yesterday (Sunday, July 31st) at BIL's for Younger Nephew's 30th birthday, later this week -- where WE were the ones who got a great present!  :) 

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished just 2 books in July (all reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads, & tagged  "2022 books"). I'd hoped to cram in at least one more before my eye surgery, but there were a lot of distractions this month...!: 

• "Anne of Green Gables" by L.M. Montgomery. My LMM Readathon Facebook group began reading & discussing this book on July 4th, chapter by chapter (two chapters per week) -- it's not too late to join in!  :)  I will count this book as a re-read when we're done in November. 
• "Anna and her Daughters" by D.E. Stevenson (in advance of my DES group read, which started July 11th. I will count this as a re-read when we're done in late August.)

This brings me to 31 books read so far in 2022, which brings me to 69% of my 2022 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway) 5 books ahead of schedule. :)  

Current read(s): 

• "Anna and her Daughters" by D.E. Stevenson (see above -- the current pick for my D.E. Stevenson fan group. Our chapter-by-chapter group discussion began July 11th, and I will count this as a re-read when we're done in late August).
• "The Menopause Manifesto" by Dr. Jen Gunter. 

Coming up: 

Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my D.E. Stevenson fan group:  
• "Sarah Morris Remembers" (likely to begin in September, after we finish "Anna & Her Daughters"). 
• For the Gateway Women book club: 
• "Exit" by Belinda Bauer (August) 
• "Tales of the City" by Armistead Maupin (September) 
• "Bewildered" by Laura Waters (October) 
• Within the private online Gateway Women community, we've formed a group to discuss Jody Day's book, "Living the Life Unexpected," one chapter per month, in a live Zoom call. (There are actually two groups -- one that's more conducive to UK/European/Australasian time zones, and one mostly for North Americans.) I missed our seventh call, on July 17th, to discuss Chapter 7. We'll discuss Chapter 8 in mid-August. Completing all 12 chapters will take us a full year.  If/when we complete the full 12 chapters, I'll count it as another re-read. :)  

A few recently purchased titles (in digital format, mostly discounted ($5 or less) or purchased with points):  

• "I'm So Happy for You" by Lucinda Rosenfeld 
• "Five Little Indians" by Michelle Good
• "Jackie & Me" by Louis Bayard
• "Going There" by Katie Couric 
• "The Beauty of Living Twice" by Sharon Stone 
• "All That She Carried" by Tiya Miles
• "I Was Better Last Night" by Harvey Fierstein
• "Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama" by Bob Odenkirk 
• "Rogues: True Stories of Grifters, Killers, Rebels and Crooks" by Patrick Radden Keefe (this one was on sale in hardcover) 

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Watching: (Still) Waiting for season 2 of "Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy" to resume on CNN on Sunday nights... 

We watched more of the January 6th committee hearings on CNN this past month. 

PBS had a fascinating four-part series from the UK called "In the Footsteps of..." in which the host (Gyles Brandreth) visited the places and events provided inspiration for some famous British authors: Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, and Thomas Hardy. We saw all four episodes. 

There are lots of movies out right now that we'd like to see, but we haven't been to a theatre since pre-covid. I still like seeing movies in a theatre, on a big screen, munching on a big bag of overpriced theatre popcorn (lol), but maybe it's time to explore pay per view?? 

Listening:  I was trying to stay off screens as much as possible for the first while after my eye procedure -- mainly because it was just too difficult/uncomfortable!  :(  But I have been listening to a ton of podcasts!  Among others, I caught up on episodes of The Full Stop and New Legacy Radio (both geared to the childless/free communities), as well as several one-off appearances by Jody Day of Gateway Women on various podcasts. 

I also loved hearing Jess (of My Path to Mommyhood and A Different Path) and Greg (of A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy) talk about living childless/free after NOT adopting, on episode #306 of Lori Holden (Lavender Luz)'s podcast Adoption: The Long View -- definitely worth a listen! 

I also dove into several episodes of a podcast hosted by members of the original family rock band of the 1960s & 1970s (who were the real-life models for The Partridge Family!), The Cowsills. Brothers Bob & Paul and sister Susan (the youngest of SEVEN!! kids, AND the only girl, who is just two years older than me) are still singing and touring together, joined occasionally on stage and on the podcast by brother John, who also tours as the drummer for the Beach Boys! as well as other musicians of the era, with an emphasis on other family bands (among the interviews I listened to were ones with Jay Osmond, Tony DeFranco, Bo Donaldson of the Heywoods, and Steve Van Zandt). There's lots of sibling banter and trying to get a word in edgewise -- it can get a bit chaotic, but it's all good fun.  :)  I was just a little too young to have been a fan at the time they were making it big, but I do remember them being in the teen magazines just as I started reading them (in the heyday of Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy), and later bought and loved a collection of their greatest hits. Look up a few of their old clips on YouTube, and then a few more recent ones -- listen and marvel at their amazing harmonies, then and now! 

I never got into Wordle (at least not yet?) but I recently heard about another "one puzzle a day" online game that was right up my alley -- it's called Heardle (and just after I discovered it, it was bought by Spotify). You get six attempts to identify the song and the artist from listening to the first few seconds of the song. Each attempt gives you a few seconds more (up to 15 seconds total) -- the fewer the attempts, the higher your score. I'm usually pretty good at identifying a song within the first few bars -- especially if it's classic rock or pop (60s/70s/80s, and I'm not bad with the 90s either -- less so with newer stuff and rap/hiphop, which is NOT my thing...!).  Currently, I'm at 3/15 or 20% correct.  

Eating/Drinking:  We enjoyed a nice takeout dinner on our wedding anniversary from one of our favourite restaurants on July 6th, including a pasta dish we both enjoy, garlic bread, a bottle of chardonnay (half-price with takeout) and a slice of key lime pie to share for dessert (which we normally don't splurge on).  The portions were generous enough that we wound up having leftover pasta for lunch the next day too.  :)  (We even ordered online for the first time! -- usually I just call our order in. Dh always goes to pick it up. We've never used UberEats or DoorDash, etc.) 

We also tried a new place for takeout Greek food, which we both love, recommended by BIL. (Dh's family is Italian, but he grew up in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood of Toronto, and we often used to go there for souvlaki with his cousins in the early days of our marriage.) The portions were MASSIVE, but very tasty! We both had the chicken souvlaki on a pita and ordered small portions of both fries and roasted potatos. We didn't even touch the potatos, and only managed to eat half the souvlaki -- we had the leftovers for dinner two nights later, and we were back again for more towards the end of the month!   

I've been guzzling water like crazy since my eye surgery;  not sure why?  My eyes have certainly been feeling dry, and the prescription drops I've been taking seem to irritate my throat and leave a bad taste back there.  Hopefully temporary!  

Buying (besides books, lol):  An earphone adapter for my cellphone (recounted here)(lol).  

Replenished our supply of rapid tests, from this supplier, recommended by Turia (before we learned that free distribution of rapid tests will continue to the end of the year! -- although they're not always easy to find -- and you usually have to remember to ask the cashier for them -- and dh usually just breezes through the self-checkout whenever he's there himself...!). 

Wearing: Tank tops and denim shorts around the house, capris in public. And sunglasses around the house, for the first two days or so after my eye procedure (which left me very light sensitive). 

Enjoying: More time on the balcony with a book and a glass of iced tea, on nice (not too hot) days (mostly earlier in the month). 

Appreciating:  My vision, more than ever!  

Noticing:  Gradual improvements since my eye surgery... not fast enough for my liking, perhaps, but there has been progress...! 

How fast the summer is going by! 

Wondering: Whether I'll do better in terms of progress towards my reading goals in August??  

Wanting: To heal from my eye procedure faster than it's going at the moment. (Sigh.)  

Prioritizing: Post-op self-care. 

Waiting: For my second summer surgery: gallbladder removal on Aug. 15th. 

(Still) Hoping:  For a fall trip home to see my family, once I've recuperated sufficiently. And that the current mess at the national (and international!) airports (and Toronto Pearson in particular, which was recently ranked one of the worst airports in the world right now re: delays, cancellations, lost baggage, etc...!)  clears up by then....!  (One good thing about not travelling right now, I guess...!).  We're thinking of trying to make do with carry-ons if we decide to fly, so as not to have to deal with the hassle of checked luggage right now. 

Trying:  To catch up on my backlogged (since my eye surgery) email, blog reading & commenting, social media, etc. -- while not overdoing it. 

Loving:  Spending time with family this month, especially outside when it's not too hot. 

Feeling: Relieved to have the eye surgery done. Impatient with the pace of my recovery. A little nervous about the next surgery (gallbladder removal on Aug. 15th). Glad it's summer! SO happy about the prospect of a new little great-nephew or great-niece, due in February.  :)  

#MicroblogMondays: Birthday present :)

(Pregnancy mentioned -- not mine, obviously, lol.)  

It's Younger Nephew's 30th (!!) birthday this week -- but it was he & his wife who gave dh & I the best present, when we all got together to celebrate at BIL & SIL's house yesterday.  :)  

Yes!!  A new great-nephew or great-niece is scheduled to make his/her debut in late February 2023. Finally, something to look forward to in February (which has always been my least-favourite month)! The rest of the immediate family (both his & her sides) has known for several weeks now and were sworn to secrecy. (None of the men in dh's family can keep secrets to save their lives...!) Younger Nephew remarked to us that his brother gave him the biggest hug he's ever given him in their lives when they told him the news (awww...).  :)  I don't know when they plan to go fully public, but I imagine they'll have to soon... she is starting to show. (I certainly won't be posting anything on my social media about it until at least then, and then only if/when they say it's okay.) 

Hence, the couple's extreme caution re: covid, and the requests for us all to test before each recent get-together. The pregnancy also comes after two years of infertility testing and treatments (they didn't mention specifics, and I was not going to ask). Needless to say, they did not want to do anything that might jeopardize such a hard-won pregnancy (not to mention all that money down the drain...!).  

This side of the family -- dominated by boys (on both our/BIL's & SIL's sides) -- is hoping for a girl, while Younger Nephew's wife's side -- dominated by girls -- is hoping for a boy. I guess there's a 50-50 chance that one side will get their wish, lol -- although, of course, the only thing everyone really wants is a safe and healthy outcome. 

Needless to say, given our own fraught reproductive history, dh & I will be the most nervous ones of all.  On the one hand, the young couple's fertility issues hit just a little too close to home for our comfort. :(  On the other hand, I'm relieved that this pregnancy won't be happening in lockstep with the timeframes of my own 1998 pregnancy (which was the case with Older Nephew's wife's pregnancy with Little Great-Nephew in 2019), and that makes me feel a little bit better about it.  

There were a few remarks yesterday that had me grinding my teeth and trying not to roll my eyes (the usual cliched stuff that grandparents and parents tell parents-to-be). I found myself wistfully biting my tongue and holding back from sharing on topics such as where I shopped for maternity clothes and how I told my boss at work about my own now-long-ago pregnancy. 

But overall, it was a very happy day all round. :) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

I wear my sunglasses at night...

Well, not quite -- but I couldn't resist a great '80s song reference, lol.  I HAVE been wearing my sunglasses around the house, during the day -- at least I did for the first few days, post-eye surgery -- but it's become less and less necessary as the week went on, thankfully! 

So, I survived my eye surgery on Monday morning -- which, in medical lingo, is actually called a "superficial keratectomy." You can Google it, if you're interested, but be forewarned, it's not for the squeamish...! My appointment (at the downtown hospital we'd visited back in late April) was 8 a.m., and we got there early. (Got a parking spot, no problem.) I was the first appointment of the day, and I was in & out in half an hour, tops (although it seemed like a lot longer while I was in the chair...!).

There were a couple of surprises along the way.  First surprise:  the nurse who escorted me into the procedure room mentioned "she'll be with you in a few minutes." She?? I said, "Dr. Opthamologist (the older male doctor I saw back in April, who my referring optometrist had assured me was "the best there is") isn't doing it?"  Oh no, she said, he hasn't been doing these procedures for about five years now (!). (He's probably winding down towards retirement; at least that's my guess.)  

So my procedure was done by another opthamologist I had not yet encountered, a young-ish (mid-30s to 40s, I'd guess) woman, as well as a younger-still guy. They both worked on me -- and it soon became evident, from their conversation, that he was an intern she was coaching (greeeaaatt, I get the amateur!! lol).  

Another surprise -- it was NOT a laser procedure!!  (Perhaps that's enough said, lol.)  They did put some freezing drops in my eye so I didn't really feel much. (At first, anyway...!) 

At the end of it all, she put a contact lens bandage on/in my eye -- which will stay in place until my follow-up visit, next week -- and taped my eyelid down so that I couldn't fully open it. She said I could take off the tape when it started to lift. (I removed it before I went to bed that night.)  And she handed me some prescriptions to fill. 

One prescription was for Tylenol 3 with codeine, for pain. I told her my past experience with Tylenol 3 was NOT good (30 years ago, when I had my wisdom teeth out -- I had to stop after taking a couple of them, because I could not keep them down -- or anything else, for that matter!).  She said I could try Tylenol Extra Strength instead -- and added, "I suggest you take something as soon as you leave here, before the freezing wears off." 

She also gave me prescriptions for steroid eye drops (four times a day) and doxycycline (once a day for 30 days), which is related to tetracycline, which treats acne and other skin conditions (?!).  It's an antibiotic, and apparently it is also effective in treating dry eye -- who knew??  

She also added a few over-the-counter items to the list:  Omega 3 vitamins, and Hydrasense eye drops for dry eyes (at least four times a day, or up to once an hour if I felt I needed it -- and I have). My sister -- who had a similar procedure done last year, for different reasons -- suggested I keep my eye drops in the fridge. The prescription drops must be stored at room temperature (check the labels, if you want to try this yourself), but I keep the Hydrasense in there and it DOES feel good! 

I knew we had some Tylenol Extra Strength at home -- purchased at the start of the pandemic, just in case we needed it -- but it is (just) past its best before date -- probably still effective, but... I've been looking for a new bottle every time we've been at the drugstore for the past month or two, but the shelves for pain relief, cough and cold medicine, etc., have been completely bare (and people say covid is over??).  There was a drugstore on the main floor of the hospital near the exit, though -- and I figured if any pharmacy would be well stocked, it would be one associated with a hospital -- so we stopped in there, and the shelves were full -- so we bought a big bottle of Tylenol Extra (it was even on sale!) and a bottle of water, and I took one pill in the car on the way home. (Dh went to our regular drugstore after we got back and got the prescriptions filled, and the rest of the stuff.)  

By the time we got home, I was wishing I'd taken two pills. I won't lie, those first few hours were pretty painful!  By evening. I was still hurting, and horribly light sensitive (I spent a lot of time lying in the bedroom with my sunglasses on and the curtains closed for the first two days) -- but overall, I felt like the Tylenol Extra was doing a pretty good job, and I'm glad I stuck it out and didn't take any Tylenol 3s. (Not sure what they'll give me or what I'll do for pain relief when I have my gallbladder out, a few weeks from now, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there...) I took close to the maximum daily dosage for the first two days or so, but I've been gradually tapering off. I took one this morning, but I haven't had another since. 

So -- today is day 5. I have to admit, I was hoping I would be "back to normal" more than I am. My sister told me she noticed a significant improvement in her vision almost immediately after her similar procedure last year. My experience has not been that dramatic -- but I am seeing gradual improvement every day. My eye is still rather irritated/raw/dry, and my vision is still fuzzy/cloudy/blurry -- but it's better than it was -- getting a little better every day -- and my eye is definitely less red and less light sensitive.  

It's been five (almost six!) days since I've been on my laptop. My sister warned me I'd have to lay off the screens for a while. Nobody actually forbade me from using them (except maybe dh, lol), but the dr did tell me to keep my eye closed and rest it as much as possible, at least that first day -- and I HAD to, because it was so uncomfortable, especially in bright light. I have been on my cellphone, increasingly -- liking posts on social media, glancing at email and notifications, etc. -- but nowhere near the amount of time I'm usually online (aside from listening to podcasts, which I've spent HOURS doing over the past few days). It's not so much a question of whether I should or shouldn't be on screens -- I just haven't been able to tolerate them.  Spending too much time on my phone or laptop can get uncomfortable after a while, although that's been getting better as time goes on too. 

So -- I'd better wrap this up!  One more update: dh went to see our family doctor today, following up on his urgent care visit re: his eyes last week. The dr said the prescriptions were pretty much what he'd have given him. He is MUCH better since he started them, the ointment in particular. 

So that's all the medical reports, lol.  It will take me a while to get back online fully, but this was one of the first places I wanted to come, when I could!  :)  Thank you (again) for all your good wishes and tips/advice. (I'll need them again in a couple of weeks when I go for my gallbladder removal surgery -- eeek...) 

Pre-surgery odds & ends

• My eye surgery is early Monday morning at a hospital downtown, three months after I was diagnosed with a patch of scar tissue om my right cornea that's been affecting my vision. It's a quick, in-office, in-and-out laser procedure. I'll be getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we get there in plenty of time, but at least it will be over with early on, and I won't have to spend half the day in nervous anticipation (that's what this weekend is for...!). Wish me luck!! 
• Depending on how things go and the restrictions I'm subjected to (my sister, who had similar surgery last year, warned me I will have to limit my screen time for at least the first few days), I may not be around the blogosphere much over the next week or two.  
• If I can come up with a #MicroblogMondays post before then, I'll write it and set it to post automatically on Monday morning, albeit it won't be linked to Mel's list, at least not right away. But if I don't come up with anything, I won't fret...! 
• Poor dh has been suffering for at least two weeks with fits of violent sneezing, and itchy red eyes... not even so much the eyes themselves, but the skin around them has been puffy/baggy, itchy and red. He has seasonal allergies, and they've been especially bad this year (even though he no longer has to mow the lawn, which was always a trigger in the past!).  He also has very dry, sensitive skin at the best of times. (And, of course, like many men, does nothing about it...!)  
• We tried Benadryl, Claritin, Reactine, saline eye drops, cold compresses, warm compresses, even tea bags! but nothing was helping much. We couldn't get an appointment for him with our family doctor for more than a week (! -- our health care system may be "free," but it is absolutely swamped right now, with another covid surge and shortages of staff, many of whom are sick, burned out/fed up and/or quitting -- and who can blame them, after what they've endured in recent years??) -- so he wound up going to an urgent care clinic near us yesterday (Thursday). They gave him a prescription for both Reactine (stronger dosage than the over-the-counter stuff) and an ointment for the skin around his eyes.  
• He wound up going to two different pharmacies trying to get the prescription filled -- the Reactine was no problem, but the ointment had to be special ordered. It was SUPPOSED to be ready this afternoon.
• You guessed it -- he went to pick it up and they still didn't have it... told him to come back Monday. :(   Poor guy -- very frustrating. :(  
• I was trying to think if anything in our environment had changed recently to trigger an allergic attack -- same laundry detergent, no new foods lately -- and then we realized dh had come home with a new bottle of shampoo and started using it right around the time this all started. He has mostly used Pert 2-in-1 shampoo for almost as long as I've known him (40+ years!)... and this was Pert, but they didn't have any of the "regular/classic" Pert in stock, so he bought a variety marketed towards men called "Ocean Rush." It was very strongly scented, and I am willing to bet money that's the culprit. 
• He's going to try using baby shampoo until things settle down, and then maybe go back to using his regular/classic Pert. 
• Speaking of shampoo:  I have used Neutrogena's Anti-Residue shampoo for something like 40 years too. A university friend used it, and left me a half-used bottle when she went back home for the summer. I tried it and loved it, and have been using it two or three times a week since then, alternating with another shampoo (currently Pantene 2-in-1 Volume & Body formula). I've noticed it was getting harder and harder to find (the conditioner that went with it was discontinued years ago) -- and my current bottle is about 2/3 empty, so I've been looking for another bottle lately, without success. Did some Googling, only to find... you guessed it -- it's been discontinued!! (Someone said they found it on Amazon... for $70 a bottle!!)  Their Canadian website is full of customers in the review section, wailing "WHY???"  :(   They have introduced some new formulations (which I have not yet seen on the drugstore shelves here), but the buzz on the website, and on a Reddit thread I found, is that they don't work nearly as well. Boo, hiss.... 
• I saw the Twitter thread mentioned in this New York Times article before I read the article -- related to parenting, sexism, learned helplessness, and the division of household labour. Sadly, I wasn't surprised...! 
• Speaking of Twitter, I've noticed something odd recently. I get a couple of emails every day featuring about a half-dozen tweets that Twitter thinks will interest me, generally from people I follow. If I click on the tweet in the message, it takes me to Twitter, where I get to see (and like or share) the original tweet and some of the responses -- and then sometimes a section of "More tweets," which are usually related, at least tangentially, to the original tweet. I follow a lot of childless and childfree people on Twitter -- and invariably, the featured tweets from them (usually about childless/free topics) are followed by other tweets related to either (a) parenting & pregnancy (!!) or -- (b) artistic photos from Germany. (??!)  
• Bloglovin' outage: still ongoing for more than a week (since Thursday night, July 14th!).  :p  

It takes a village, but how do we build it?

Anne Helen Petersen (who is childfree by choice) has had several conversations with guests recently on her Culture Study newsletter on Substack about building community, and how difficult that is to do. 

She's also hosted several recent subscriber threads/conversations on this subject. About a week ago, she asked: 

So tell us: how did you become important to someone else’s kid? How did you strengthen or formalize the relationship? If you wish you had someone like this in your kids’ lives: what’s made it hard? And if you wish you could be this person in a kids’ life: what’s the roadblock?

There were 105 responses -- a lot of them childless & childfree people who have developed relationships with their parent-friends' kids -- or who would like to do so, but have run into obstacles. 

That conversation was for subscribers only (of which I am one!). But she asked the same question on her Instagram Stories, and featured some of the answers she got on there as well. Unfortunately, IG Stories are only available for 24 hours (which drives me nuts sometimes).  There was a lot of talk about how people are reluctant to impose on each other (parents on childless friends and childless friends on parents), and how the relationship needs to be reciprocal and not just childless/free people supporting families.  Lots of food for thought! 

A few days later, there was another subscriber thread on the community-building theme:  

So tell us: how have have you shown up for and otherwise shown care for your friends who aren’t parents?

I’d love to hear from people who aren’t parents and are forming communities with other people who aren’t parents, and I’d especially love to hear from people who are parents are thinking about the ways they can continue to form community and networks of care with people who are showing up for them, as well, even when their everyday experience is different than your own...

If you’re struggling to figure this out: what’s stopping you? What are your hesitations? How would you like to be better?

That one got 185 responses. 

Today, her latest newsletter brings together the wisdom from the subscriber threads and Instagram Stories mentioned above into a post titled "How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents aka How to Be in a Community."  I don't think you need a subscription, and it's worth a read! 

Some of the key points: 

1) Most people feel left behind in some way, no matter what their life is like (parents and non-parents). "Everyone’s struggle is different — but life is not a struggle contest. Competing for the most aggrieved is what keeps us from actually creating the sort of solidarity that can result in change."

2)  People need and want help, and people need and want to provide help. 

3) People are also incredibly bad at communicating with one another, because... 

4) American culture is all about the myths of self-reliance and perfection. 

5) Because we are so bad at asking for and receiving help, we need scripts and plans. (AHP goes on to offer tips for both parents and non-parents about how we can better show up for and support each other.) 

6)  "Friendship, care, and community-building is periodically no fun at all. It’s un-optimizable. You can’t put it in your resume. You can’t buy it, or hack it, or fast-track it. But its value is beyond measure."

(She's also tweeting about this.)  

What do you think? Fellow childless/free readers, what makes it hard for you to build relationships with parents and their kids?  Parents, what are the barriers you've encountered to building relationships with your friends who don't have kids? 

Odds & ends from a busy weekend

• The second Childless Collective Summit is over, and I hope you had the chance to at least sample some of the amazing (FREE!) presentations offered! It was a pretty hectic & exhausting four days, trying to keep up with everything (and if *I* found it tiring, I can't imagine how Katy, the organizer, feels...!) -- but it was a good kind of hectic & exhausting ;)  and well worth it!  
• I actually missed most of the presentations on Saturday, because we were busy with haircuts and family birthday celebrations for BIL & SIL -- and I missed a few on Sunday as well -- but I bought a "Pace Yourself Pass" (again this year), which will give me access to all the presentations for a full year (as well as some other perqs).  If you missed the summit in full or in part, or want to revisit some of the presentations you enjoyed, the passes will remain on sale for the rest of this week, until Sunday July 24th. 
• This year's summit had 2,200 people registered, which -- as I noted last year -- is absolutely MINDBLOWING, when I think about what was out there when I first came to childless/free living 21 years ago (i.e., not a whole lot...!). 
• On a note related to the point above -- it was 21 years ago today, that I made my very first post to the Childless Living message board on iVillage (which no longer exists). This was my first tentative step towards accepting a childless life, and so I consider today my "childless anniversary."  I've written about it in the past several times, and you can find many of those posts tagged "iVillage Childless Living message board."  
• (Appropriately -- today is also Jody Day's birthday! -- happy birthday, Jody! :)  ) 
• Speaking of Jody and Gateway Women -- some major announcements were made at the summit about what Jody, Katy and Gateway Women will be doing next: 
• Jody has said she wants to focus more of her efforts over the next few years on her Conscious Childless Elderwomen project and -- once she finishes the novel she's been working on! -- a book on the subject! 
• To create more space for this, she's entrusted Katy to take on the leadership/stewardship of the Gateway Women online community. Jody will continue to be part of the community, serving as a mentor to Katy, and leading the NoMo Tribe and Gateway Elderwomen sub-groups. 
• Jody will be retaining the Gateway Women name for her own work, including her Reignite Weekends. As a result, the online interactive Gateway Women community she founded had to find a new name. Members were involved in the search, and at the end of the process, the new name is: Lighthouse Women.  
• In part, the name was inspired by this passage from the introduction to Jody's classic book, "Living the Life Unexpected":  

Hope is a light in the dark. It is my deepest wish that you find your place in this world again through the pages of this book, and that your dream of motherhood can be put to rest with the tenderness and love it deserves. Letting go of hope when you can’t see any other kind of hope ahead is terrifying, like swimming away from the shore in the dark without any idea when you’ll reach land again. Let this book be your lighthouse; let it be your hope in the dark. Those of us who’ve already made this trip are waiting for you on the other side, and many others are in the water alongside you, each feeling that they’re swimming alone.

 But you’re not alone. Welcome to your Tribe.

• In addition to her new role with Gateway/Lighthouse Women, Katy plans to continue organizing an annual Childless Collective Summit, and to continue offering some of the support circles and webinars she's been doing over the past several years.  
• As a Gateway Women member, I've known about these changes for a couple of weeks now, but they were not "officially" announced outside the group until this past weekend. I am looking forward to benefiting from Jody's continuing work, particularly in the "childless elderwomen" space, and to new ideas and inspiration from Katy, whose work I've also followed and admired for several years now.  We are so very lucky to have both of these inspiring women in our community! 
• In her presentation at the summit, another inspiring community leader, Karen Malone Wright of The NotMom (which is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year), announced a new survey of both childless and childfree women, which will update the information from an earlier survey several years back. "We need to know more about what your lives are like NOW, and how we can serve you better," she writes. "As for potential sponsors, well, we're still here."  
• Take the survey here -- it only takes about 6 minutes to complete. 
• I loved this Washington Post article outlining "14 ways to get out of a reading slump" -- I've tried some of them myself!  :) 
• From The Globe & Mail recently: "People undergoing fertility treatments need greater flexibility at work."  I would agree with that. 
• A few commenters said something to the effect that "People need more flexibility at work, period, not just those going through fertility treatments."  Yes, that too! 
• After a couple of weeks of normal service, Bloglovin' went on the fritz (again!) Thursday night. I've been getting a few (very few) posts on the Bloglovin' app on my phone, but nothing on the laptop/website. SO. FRUSTRATING. 

#MicroblogMondays: In the Garden of Angels

Dh & I were back in our old community for haircuts, early on Saturday afternoon, and en route to the salon, we made a stop at the cemetery to visit Katie.

We hadn't been there on a Saturday in quite some time, and it was busier than usual, with lots of cars parked along the roads -- visitors, and preparations underway for a couple of funerals. As we parked near the columbarium structure where the urn containing Katie's ashes is interred, we noticed several other cars parked nearby, and small groups of people milling around.  

A few more cars and people arrived -- about 20-25 people in all, including a couple of little girls clad in white dresses -- and a foreboding feeling came over me, as I realized exactly where they were all congregating. 

Then we saw them begin to walk slowly in a procession toward the back of the section nearby, where the cemetery staff were waiting for them. 

One man was carrying a very small white casket in his arms. 

My heart sank. "Look," I whispered to dh. He looked. "Oh no," he said quietly, and his head dropped.

We both knew: they were in the Garden of Angels, the nearby section of the cemetery reserved for infant burials. When we visited the cemetery to make Katie's funeral arrangements, 24 years ago this summer, we were shown this section as an option for burial. All those tiny plots seemed unbearably sad, and we chose to purchase a niche for her in the nearby columbarium instead. (We later purchased a niche for ourselves in another columbarium structure nearby.)(All the niches in Katie's structure had long since been purchased.) 

Over the 10+ years that we attended a local pregnancy loss support group -- first as clients, and then the as facilitators -- we came to know several families whose children were buried in the Garden of Angels. We would sometimes visit those tiny graves when we came to see Katie. We haven't walked over there in quite a while now, but the last time we did, we noticed how many more graves had been added over the years, how much further back towards the tree line the markers now extended.  

We stood quietly watching, heads slightly bowed. "This brings me back a few years," dh said. "They have a long road ahead of them." 

I briefly thought about walking over and introducing ourselves when the service was finished, telling them that we were so sorry for their loss, that we'd experienced something similar. That we'd survived, and they would too -- but it would take time. Lots of time. 

But we had an appointment to keep, and we did not want to intrude on their grief, so raw and new. We left quietly. 

But I haven't been able to get them out of my mind since then. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.